Saturday, May 31, 2008

Sins of Ignorance

It is with much joy that I announce yesterday’s important Ask Father Christian segment so challenged the notorious the notorious Grandmère Mimi of Wounded Bird that she was not only compelled by the spirit to recognize me as a Citizen of Heaven, but she even confessed to practicing voodoo!

Today we continue with a similar question as that asked by the sorceress of New Orleans, although this comes from the much politer Grace Acolyte Master, whose parents were doubtless either Puritans or Christian martial-arts devotees:

Father Christian-
How big a sin is it not to know where Ichabod Springs is?

thank you for yor help
Firstly my child, please understand that while there may be some dispute as to whether “colour” should be spelled as St. Paul did, with a “u”, or without, as Bishop John-David (wasn’t he in The Waltons as a child?) does, nobody permitted to write with something more substantial than a crayon leaves the “u” out of “your”. I can quite understand you feeling nervous when addressing a Priest of my stature, but that’s still no excuse for being careless.

Having dealt with the important aspect of your letter we may now turn to your question. The answer depends on whether you are within sufficient proximity of St. Onuphrius to attend every Sunday, plus keep the other commitments which generally occupy another four to five evenings per week. As a general rule I tell people that if they’re within a 6 hour drive (one way) they’ve no excuse for not turning up – and if you fall within that category then it is indeed a most terrible sin to not know the whereabouts of our pleasant community.

If on the other hand you aren’t nearby then your lack of knowledge is to a great extend excusable. Since Ichabod Springs is not a town which welcomes outsiders (largely due to my influence, I am proud to add) it is also preferable you don’t come around. Just regularly send your donation by post and I’ll be more than happy to argue that there is Scriptural evidence for saying Christ’s Penal Substitutionary Atonement included forgiveness for your sins of geographic ignorance. After all, it’s not as if god can’t get you for something else instead, is it?

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

Friday, May 30, 2008

Even the Notorious Seek Truth

As testimony to the powerful impact my Ask Father Christian ministry is making upon the world of liberal darkness comes this plea for True Bible Teaching from one of the internet’s most notorious figures: the infamous Grandmère Mimi, proprietor of Wounded Bird.

This is a site so contrary to the spirit of GAFCON in its support for notions such as equality (including for women!) and justice that even the scurrilous OCICW feels obliged to warn visitors of the horrors they might find coming forth from this prophetess of New Orleans. Yet even Grandmère Mimi has now been so humbled by my GAFCON Ministry of The Word that she has come to recognize that here may be found Clear Bible Truths in a sea of confusion and post-modern double-mindedness, and she too has come seeking wisdom:

Dear Fr Christian:

My question is short. Are you from the US or the UK?

With all due respect, you and I don't seem to be in agreement on many of the controversial issues in the church today. Just saying.

Grandmère Mimi

Dear Woman

As a Bible-believing Christian I am a citizen of Heaven (Philippians 3:20). This is no doubt incomprehensible to you, but the Scriptures make it perfectly clear that a true Bible teacher resides not in a kingdom of idols (Isaiah 10:10), but in an everlasting Kingdom whose “dominion endureth throughout all generations” (Psalm 145:13). This is an extremely important position no successful Teacher can afford to compromise for taxation reasons alone, and despite having been challenged in a number of fleshly jurisdictions over the years I have never witnessed the Bible’s truthfulness about this matter be defeated – partly of course because I require all significant donations to my work be made in cash if they are to be deemed acceptable in the sight of the Lord.

As there is little sin upon this earth which escapes my attention I am aware that you have been indulging in idle speculation with respect to my spelling and grammar. Truly, your type really are as wise as serpents (Matthew 10:16). Might I have you know that having read the Bible from cover to cover more times than any man alive - in the original language - my very soul is so immersed in the Bible's language that when using words such as “color” or “favour” I cannot help but from time to forget myself and spell them as St. Paul did, rather than using the contemporary language and paraphrasing loved by those of hardened hearts and poor training currently pouring forth from today’s modern apostate liberal churches.

I realise the need to be “all things to all men” (1 Corinthians 9:22), but contrary to appearances I too am only human, and occasionally my immense knowledge and love of the Scriptures breaks through my veneer of missionary concern for those like yourself.

Thank you for sharing your recognition that we disagree on much: this insight comes not of your own “wisdom”, but is instead proof that God has not yet completely abandoned you as lost to eternal torture. The difference in our understanding is not merely because I am a man, but also because I am an internationally respected Scriptural Scholar and Priest. It is only natural for an unrepentant heart to rebel against my words; exactly the same thing occurred in relation to the Apostle Paul’s teaching.(2 Peter 3:15-16). Only when you can learn to quietly accept everything I say in obedient submission will you find yourself ceasing to disagree.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

Thursday, May 29, 2008

GAFCON Animal Husbandry

The good shepherd knows the importance of shearing his sheep. Indeed, the routine fleecing of one’s flock is a practice no successful Clergyman can afford to ignore.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

The Hounds of Scripture

First to seek GAFCON Bible teaching through my new Ask Father Christian facility is none other than the First Episcopal Canine Bishop of Pittsburgh, the Right Reverend Clumber, who writes:

Why doesn't the Bible like dogs? There seems to be a fairly negative view throughout, with even Jesus naming those he does not like as "dogs". I'm confused, as the first Canine Bishop on the Episcopal Church, as to what I should be teaching the good people of my diocese, Pittsburgh.

Dear Bishop Clumber,

May I begin by saying how honored I am to find myself in a position to clarify matters for one of your prestige, who is not only an important Episcopal leader, but should also by rights would have been crowned America’s Greatest Dog were it not for obvious foul play on the part of Pittsburgh’s former incumbent. Having deserted his Sacred Commission only to find you so capably filling his empty slippers he clearly sought revenge by vindictively fixing the judging.

Now regarding your question: when approaching the Scriptures one must always remember something that many of the Communion’s more outspoken Clergy find extremely disturbing: the difficult truth that the Bible was written by foreigners.

I say this not to offend, nor out of any desire to weaken my brothers’ faith, but simply because it is the truth, regrettably or otherwise. Personally I see it as inspiring that the One who can summon the stones to praise Him (Luke 19:40) can even speak through heathen tongues.

Having coming to us through such imperfect vessels we must realise that Scripture also reflects the culture of its original time and place, as well as speaking into our own. This is why we must no longer exclude men with spots or testicular defects from our congregations (Lev 19:20), but are instead free to include and ridicule them – because these sort of foreign phobias need no longer concern us.

Now in my experience most foreigners don’t like dogs, probably because dogs are loyal, faithful and discerning – all qualities which foreigners are famous for lacking. In the process of recording Bible truth a lot of nasty foreign preconceptions about dogs which we all now know are completely untrue were included: unfortunately that was inevitable given the people to whom the task of writing the Scriptures was entrusted However please don’t take it personally. You should hear what some of the Church Fathers said about ferrets, and we all know how much bad press pigs have had since day one.

Sadly in their desire to escape from the loathsome presence of liberals (who are sort of like the foreigners of god’s Kingdom) a great many members of the Communion have begun reading the Bible as if they are Baptists, which is hardly any better. Consequently there are those who even argue that the apparent criticisms of creatures such as yourself justifies their own foolish specism.

Yet this shows how little they actually understand about the fine art of misapplying Scripture to suit ones own ends. Just because it can extremely useful to use the Scriptures in order to justify one’s dislike of menstruating women (Levitcus 15:19) or sodomites doesn’t mean the Bible actually is intended by god to be read in such a way. Correctly applied the Bible can be a wonderful weapon against those whom we wish to alienate, and it can in the right hands be a powerful tool. Yet let no man, not even one as wise as myself, be deluded into thinking we can ever be the Scriptures’ master. Just because we find it handy to misuse the texts according to our whims doesn’t automatically mean our interpretations carry any divine authority.

It is one thing to be a corrupt old scoundrel like myself, but believing one’s own mischief is just foolishness. Just ask your predecessor.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Ask and You May Receive

I may be the True Voice of Global Anglican Orthodoxy, but I am also a humble parish Priest deeply interested in the sin of other people’s lives. Just because someone isn’t a member of St. Onuphrius’ doesn’t mean I don’t find their weaknesses profoundly revolting, and even though many of you live far from Ichabod Springs doesn’t mean I have no desire to rebuke each and every one of your weaknesses.

This Pastoral Heart is at the center of all which drives the GAFCON movement. Unless people are taught the Bible correctly there is no way an omnipotent god can be capable of bringing them to repentance, nor of forcing them to change their erroneous ways. That’s why it’s so crucial that Teachers like me reach as many people as possible: god needs us to do what he can’t accomplish.

To help this I’ve introduced a new feature: the colorful “Ask Father Christian” button on the right. Whatever your question, however shameful and disgusting the error into which you have fallen, simply click it and send me an email outlining the dilemma or heresy under which you labor, and the World’s Greatest Bible-teacher himself will correct you. It’s almost as if you were able to shake my hand at the door of St. Onuphrius for yourself on a Sunday morning – but even better since there’s no chance of my being soiled by us touching..

Still, please don’t think you’ll be entitled to the same care as those who actually support the ministry of St. Onuphrius in monetary terms. Given my busy schedule it may take a while to address your issues, and no correspondence will be entered into with anyone unwilling to heed my valuable advice. Think of this as not so much evidence of my caring as proof of my desire to appear to care. Which is still doubtless much more than you’ll ever receive from the mamby-pamby liberals hell-bent on tearing our church in two.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

Monday, May 26, 2008

GAFCON Children's Ministry

All the excitement we had here at St. Onuphrius’ last week was spectacularly capped off yesterday by the opening of our new state-of-the-art children’s facility.

Named The Ceausescu Creche in honor of the late Romanian leader and pioneer of modern Biblical child-care, it features individual sound-proof booths into which parents can deposit their little ones to scream the infantile self-centeredness right out of their systems in perfect isolation. Confident their precious bundles are busily developing the vacant blank gaze for which GAFCON parishioners are famous, Mom and Dad are free to devote their undivided attention on me and whatever important Bible Truth I feel like teaching them.

Preliminary research indicates that as few as ten sessions each averaging two hours in duration over a fortnight – less than minimum parish involvement expected from congregation members – produces significant changes to rebellious infant personalities. Instead of running about excitedly, laughing and exploring everything their little hands can grab hold of, toddlers are soon just sitting quietly and rocking themselves backwards and forwards on the spot, making no sound other than an occasional whimper. Even new-borns quickly cease demanding food and attention whenever their selfish unrepentant hearts want it, and become obediently attuned to a strict regular schedule, leaving their mothers able to organise their busy routine of Bible-study and parish service without inconvenience.

All indications are that this fine start will leave these children marked for life. We predict they will grow up untroubled by independent thought, unambitious, eager to do exactly whatever they are ordered (providing, of course, that the task isn’t too complex), and seeking only the barest of attention in return for their obedience. And just think of the money they’ll save by wanting to spend the whole of their lives living in dormitories?

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

Sunday, May 25, 2008

Minorities Create Majorities.

The Bible teaches that all sin is equally abhorrent unto the Lord, but human nature is such that we readily consider some sins more shameful than others. The wise preacher understands this, and uses it to lay guilt upon a minority of his congregation, thereby encouraging the majority to feel self-confident and smug.

This tactic is at the heart of GAFCON Christianity, and one has only to see how homogeneously self-righteous churches are growing to understand its importance. Nobody likes being a loser, so inviting the insecure to join a large triumphant mob jeering at an alienated minority can rapidly develop a large and yet pliable congregation willing to do whatever one asks lest any disobedience results in them being on the receiving end of what they’ve grown used to throwing at others.

Yet sadly Clergy have of late been losing their creativity when it comes to creating alienated and oppressed minorities. Time was that within any diocese countless ways of achieving this could be seen; some preached against a particular race or ethnic group, others against women, or even against different flavors of Churchmanship or regional accents. Nowadays this wonderful variety has gone, and we hear nothing but sodomy, sodomy, and sodomy. What’s happened to the Communion’s imagination? Have today’s preachers never learned of the dangers in placing all of one’s eggs within a single basket?

The Anglican/Episcopalian leaders of tomorrow must be men who can vilify traditional minorities while at the same time developing new ways of fostering a pack mentality among believers. It’s not enough to simply assume that our present targets will remain vulnerable forever; we must find new groups to victimise lest our children find themselves in a world where liberal notions of inclusivity dominate. Just as the Israelites could enjoy slaughtering more than just Hittites, but were also blessed with an abundance Amorites, Perizzites, and Hivites - not to mention the Jebusites and Canaanites - to overcome and destroy, so also must we vigilantly ensure we discover a continuing supply of minorities with whom to fuel growing churches.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

Saturday, May 24, 2008

Virtue Online

Of all the many blessings showered upon mankind few are greater than the miracle that David W. Virtue’s father was not named Mr. Hotsweaty-Bondagebar. How different a place would the web be if the scent we now know as Virtue Online instead belonged to a rose of some other name?

Let there be no doubt. David W. Virtue is a true a gift to Bible-believers, one which no GAFCON man need ever contemplate instructing his wife to return to Wal-Mart for credit. From young David’s innovative use of RANDOM CAPITALS for emphasis (thereby ensuring THOSE less familiar with the Scriptures miss no SUBTLE insight), to his canny understanding of global media, whereby he can routinely perceive that an ordinary Reuters press release is actually a Virtue Online EXCLUSIVE, this web site sets the standard for GAFCON churches everywhere.

Perhaps an explanation for the powerful impact Virtue Online has made upon the faithful lies in the fact that David’s experience is in journalism, rather than in theology or ministry. Thus while men of the church are renowned for being impulsive and sensationalist, he brings the considered and pastoral approach of a successful popular journalist. Where a Christian academic might glibly seize upon one or two points without considering an issue’s broader historical and hermeneutic implications, David W. Virtue shares the fine mass-media tradition of patiently reviewing all implications before reaching any conclusions. Where lesser men refuse to review earlier findings, and instead stubbornly maintain their original position even when they know it to be wrong, David is committed to always maturely admitting any errors before revising his position and moving on in truth and love. That there are no examples of this occurring is simply because Mr. Virtue has never made a mistake, as he is the first to admit.

Despite fierce opposition, this man always remains resolute. Whereas liberals deleted his Wikipedia entry last January, David has kept the link in a powerful symbolic gesture of defiance against those who would see him silenced. For those of us who respect David it’s more than just a dead link – it’s proof he NEVER GIVES AN INCH when it comes to responding to critical taunts.

If there is just one problem with Virtue Online it’s this: a small matter of truthfulness. Now I realise truth is not an important issue for many GAFCON Christians, but in this instance I will be taking action to correct Mr. Virtue. His site claims to be The Voice for Global Orthodox Anglicanism, which is patently UNTRUE. I am The Voice for Global Orthodox Anglicanism.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.


Friday, May 23, 2008

The People Rejoice!

Our time of congregational repentance is over! In accordance with the Scriptures my Ministry Team and Domestic Staff are no longer required to fast, and to mark the occasion I have announced an Evening of Celebration.

Just as Rahab the Harlot proved to be the cause of Israel’s blessing (Joshua 6:25), so too in this instance has our joy come from a woman of foreign heritage; my chamber-maid in accordance with 1 Kings 1-3.

The circumstances of her righteous deed are straightforward, but a splendid example of how Orthodox Bible Teaching can transform even a foreign heathen into a creature of service to the Church. After conducting today’s moving funeral ceremony, during which I was filmed by not just one but three major network news crews while appearing to console the families of the mysteriously demised brats, whom were suitably dispatched in accordance with the appropriate liturgy (in the course of which, I must say, my new Vestments appeared truly splendid), the St. Onuphrius’ parish provided refreshments for the mourners, thereby giving me an opportunity to work the crowd of assembled media and community leaders.

While serving coffee young Consuella chanced to overhear our Chief of Police mention to a reporter that tracks near where the children’s remains were found had been identified as belonging to a Hummer. Consequently he explained that tires of all such vehicles registered in our area would soon be examined in the hope of finding a match. Without so much as breathing what she had heard to a soul present, the lass (doubtless acting under spiritual guidance) excused herself, and contacted a member of her family – a fine Hispanic businessman actively supportive of my short-term ministry activities in his otherwise pagan equatorial land of birth.

Again with complete confidentiality Consuella and her relative arranged for my car’s wheels to be exchanged with those of a particularly loathsome local planning official who just so happens to have a vehicle similar to mine, and who not only happens to have in the past opposed my enlightened vision to develop affordable housing for senior citizens (Who says old people can’t live happily in crates??!!!), but whom also happens to be a Baptist!

Once the exchange was completed Consuella quietly informed me of everything, enabling me to take the initiative of loudly announcing that since it was rumoured this heinous act may have involved someone driving that finest of automobiles, the Hummer, we as a community should call for the Police inspect all such vehicles known to have been in the district at that time. Further, as an example to Bible-believing Christians with nothing to fear everywhere, I insisted that mine be examined first.

Naturally everyone applauded my commitment to justice, and the Police forensic team quickly pronounced my vehicle clear before moving to inspect all other such machines in the neighbourhood. Later in the day it was announced that “a man is being questioned in relation to the matter”, followed by the news that this “man” had been charged with the crime. Naturally credit for the initiative leading to his arrest was given to none other than myself, the Episcopalian/Anglican world’s greatest Doctrinal Warrior.

Just as Israel celebrated after their adversary’s defeat (Esther 9:22), as an obedient scholar of the Word I recognized the Biblical imperative to invite Consuella and the congregation to rejoice in justice having befallen one who in the past opposed the Lord’s anointed. To be on the safe side I shall also make sure Consuella’s wage is increased to that of a double portion in accordance with Isaiah 61:7 One simply can’t be too prudent in these matters.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

Thursday, May 22, 2008

Strategic Ministry Events

Today is going to be busy, because I must officiate at the solemn occasion of a funeral for some local farmer’s brats who appear to have met their demise in some sort of mysterious firearm accident last Saturday.

Now I’ll be frank, under normal circumstances I refuse to conduct funeral services for anyone not a regular tithing member of our congregation. After all, does a supermarket allow the rabble to enter and purchase just a single loaf of bread and some milk? Does the local shopping mall permit people to avail themselves of their services for anything less than a full weekly shop? Of course not! Not that I ever do any grocery shopping myself, you must understand. The Bible teaches that such women’s work is beneath the Spiritual Head of the Household, but Consuella and the other domestics have explained these things to me in accounting for their budget, and it all makes perfect sense.

If you want to enjoy the Church’s good times you’ve got to give generously in the bad; that’s what I always say. Simply thinking that Christianity is some means through which we find God’s comfort and blessing is ridiculous. The Church is a place where sinners come to learn the meat of The Word, and if they don’t eat their meat how can they have any pudding?

However if the wedding, baptism or funeral falls into the category of what Bible Teachers call strategic ministry I am more than willing to make an exception. Normally the grounds by which these circumstances may be discerned are quite straightforward: how wealthy are the persons in question, and how much are they willing to pay? Yet sometimes other factors need to be considered, such as will there be a significant media presence attending the event, and by allowing it to take place will I be seen on television proclaiming the Scriptures like a true GAFCON teacher?

In this instance the latter most definitely applies. Few occasions allow a Priest to appear more caring and compassionate than the burial of someone’s deceased offspring. After all, it’s not as if any preparation as time-consuming as writing a new homily is needed. Simply changing the names in one’s regular piece is perfectly acceptable as those attending should in any case be too grief-stricken to notice. Then afterwards it’s important to imply to everyone within earshot that of course their loved one is now resting with Christ, but if they don’t show up this coming Sunday with a large donation and a matching eagerness to study the Scriptures there’s no chance of them ever meeting again. Properly executed this technique is a powerful tool for church growth, and let’s face it, at times like these it’s numbers that the Bible-believing church is really all about.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Brother Richthofen's Proposal

Following Sunday evening’s thoughtful proposal from Consuella, an invitation of a different kind came last night from Brother Richthofen, our Parish Ordinand.

To be perfectly frank I’ve never particularly liked Brother Richthofen. Had not our Bishop (the local one, not our GAFCON Bishop) implored me “take him on and try to frighten him away from the church for good” so that questions of the young man’s remarkable resemblance to His Grace, along with other persistent rumours concerning the lad’s parentage wisely (and covertly) circulated by myself several years previously might be permanently dispelled. As one should always ensure one’s Bishop is deeply indebted to your ministry I naturally agreed, although I must say that since then young fellow’s fondness for wearing lederhosen has become alarming.

Nevertheless, out of awareness of my keen interest in mentoring the next generation of fine, upstanding Bible-teaching clergy, yesterday evening Brother Richthofen suggested I might care to join him and a few cheerful friends from Seminary for a small party later this week. He was even so bold as to suggest I might find the evening “surprisingly enjoyable”, and that it might help me discern when this present time of congregational and penitence should conclude.

Now being well aware of the immorality rampant at student parties I was immediately on my guard, but something about the boy’s youthful freshness was curiously convincing. He was determined to put me at ease: “Oh no Father, there will be no women at this party at all, only my friends from seminary and some other men visiting from a social club.” Relieved, I pressed him further and eventually he revealed the other lads invited are from some group called the Bears and Boys Bootblackers, which certainly sounds innocent enough. Still, a wise Bible-teacher never drops their guard, and being well aware of the darkness of men’s hearts I ended by asking him point-blank: was he aware if any of the men in question had inclinations towards Sodomy?

He looked shocked, but I’m a direct man, and the boy knows better than to attempt deceiving me. “No Father” he answered, downcast as if confessing to something: “Our scene is more into rough water-play.” Realising that the poor fellow had simply been afraid that I might not think a little sky-larking in the college pool appropriate fro a member of my ministry team, I laughingly patted him on the shoulder; “Well in that case, Brother Richthofen, I might well join you after all. In my day I was once quite an active swimmer, and played a quick a sharp game of water-polo I’ll have you know.”

He’s an odd lad, and it must have been amazement at the soft side of my Pastoral Heart that caused him to run startled from the room. Between Consuella’s offer of ethnographic missionary study, and a merry evening’s swimming followed by Bible Study with Brother Richthofen’s young friends, and I believe it may indeed soon be time to draw this season of congregational scourging to a close. We shall see what I find in the Scriptures concerning the matter.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Advice Regarding Bishops

Last year my parish proudly and unashamedly re-aligned with The Most Reverend Gregory James Venables and the Diocese of the Southern Cone. Having had enough of the gross immorality and incompetence of so-called leaders who not only refuse to believe the Bible, but who instead make a mockery of all that Christians have traditionally held dear and sacred, we were left with no alternative but to follow the Truth of Scripture and shift our allegiance.

At the same time, of course, I have been careful to not do anything to risk being ordered to surrender my church properties. Exposing oneself to that sort of danger is simply ridiculous. Consequently I’ve never openly claimed to have left my original diocese – and never put anything remotely implying such a thing in writing. Indeed, upon seeing my faithfulness to the church’s historic via media amazed and admiring clergy can only ask “But Father Christian – how do you cope with having two Bishops? Isn’t one bad enough?”

This question only betrays their sorry ignorance of Scripture, for clearly ”no man can serve two masters”(Matthew 6:24). Neither would I even attempt such a folly. At St. Onuphrius’s we diligently only recognise the authority of one Bishop at a time.

Since our worldly, liberal local Bishop is a stressed and easily intimidated man it makes perfect sense to keep him available for those occasions when he can be useful. When it comes to adding color to community events, or making a really big impression at society weddings, nothing adds a sense of gravitas like a well-trained Bishop telling everyone what a wonderful Priest you are. What’s more, because your original bishop isn't a foreigner there's no risk of him embarrasing you by speaking with an accent.

On the other hand, an alternate Bishop living thousands of miles away lets one dispense with so many annoying little nuisances of parish administration, since it removes the need to seek the Bishop’s permission before developing or selling church property, or rewarding oneself with a much-needed Sabbatical. Someone on the other side of the world is far too busy to care about such trifling matters. Besides, until all this excitement came about it’s unlikely his See consisted of more then twenty goat-herd families and a large garden full of chickens. Thanks to you he’s now enjoying more prestige and attention than he’d previously ever dreamed possible, so there isn’t the slightest risk of him upsetting the source of his new-found importance by questioning you about anything. He may be a Bishop, but he’s not so foolish he can’t realise that since you’ve jumped ship once there’s no reason you won’t jump again. And then who’s going to pay for all those first-class flights?

Finally, having two Bishops lets you simply answer “the Bishop requested it” to any thing your annoying parish busy-body asks ( every parish has one – even St. Onuphrius’), and then leave them to work out for themselves which Bishop you’re talking about. Since neither is talking to the other there’s no risk of them comparing notes, so if they take the trouble to check with both you can simply accuse whichever Bishop the busy-body dislikes more of lying and be confident they'll believe you, since they'll be delighted to have "proof" of the "other side" acting dishonestly. Which will leave you free to continue ruling as master of your own domain.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

Monday, May 19, 2008

The Blessings of a Penitent Congregation.

The St. Onuphrius’ congregation was a little subdued yesterday. Doubtless they are finding the pressure of seeking forgiveness for the sin of pride in my popularity a strain, which is, of course, all the more reason for them to bow their heads under a cloak of humility. Even my deducting threefold the regular tithes from their bank accounts didn’t cheer them up, so I must search the Scriptures for guidance as to whether I may be pushing them too hard

In the evening Consuella, the serving-maid currently appointed to minister unto my needs in accordance with 1Kings 1:1-3 drew near and whispered that if the Lord were to instruct me to end the staff’s time of fasting she would perform a traditional dance involving a pole and native garments made only from vines, in which she knows I am interested from a purely anthropological perspective.

When I replied that it is only for me to speak on the Lord’s behalf when rebuking others, and not merely in response to those seeking relief from the burdens of their penitence, she grew more expansive. There are, she suggested, within the parish Latina Teens Fellowship a number of young ladies similarly skilled at what appears to be some sort of profession (possible of Roman Catholic) in which girls from her part of heathendom are trained. Should the Scriptures so guide me, she intimated, they would be able to perform their “routines” together in what is referred to in their dialect as a ”group show”.

Since a greater awareness of such matters would also stand as proof of my solidarity with the developing global south, her offer sounded interesting. However, like any wise GAFCON leader, I explained that I must first consult the Scriptures before reaching any conclusion. Nevertheless, I think these may well indicate there is merit in her proposal.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

Sunday, May 18, 2008

Firmness is next to Godliness.

Life at the rectory is currently rather gloomy due to everyone fasting and praying for humility in the face of my recent publicity, so yesterday I decided to spend the afternoon in spiritual retreat by driving my Hummer into the countryside.

Truly, few things are as enervating for a man as to crash through some ignorant farmer’s fences and carve across his freshly sown spring fields. It’s the sheer wholesomeness of it all, tearing deep tyre-tracks in the fertile soil behind, like a map of my path to righteousness.

Later, while resting beside a small brook and contemplating the sin in others’ lives, I was rudely disturbed by the farmer’s children. The little Hittites ran towards me shouting that they “had my number” and their “Pa will make me pay for all the damage to the crops.”

One of the marks of a GAFCON Bible-believer is that he carries at least one weapon on any journey (Luke 22:36-38), so I was not at their mercy for long. Let me say this; the little vermin won’t ever be telling any tales about this member of the Lord’s Anointed. If only our Church could be equally as firm with all the little ones who darken our doors. Would we not truly be a people feared throughout the nations?

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

Saturday, May 17, 2008

Titus One Nine

Kendall S. Harmon is not a good man, since the Bible teaches that God alone is good. (Mk 10:18). He knows, however, that he is a righteous man, and he enjoys reminding others of this.

His ever informative site Titus One Nine is an important adjunct to any GAFCON Christian’s arsenal. Even the name is an Biblical reference worth memorising, although I am still disappointed he lacked the resolve to persevere with his original choice of Nahum Three Six

The only caution which I am out of obedience to The Word compelled to make is that the Rev. Dr. Harmon is currently influenced by the hideous darkness that is Paganism and Wicca. Instead of referring to his assistants by their appropriate title of “Domestic Staff” (or, since he lives in South Carolina, where a more Biblical attitude towards such matters prevails, “Slaves”), Titus One Nine purports to be administered by elves!

Now I have read the Bible from cover to cover more times than any other man in the entire Communion, and I can assure you that there is within the Sacred and Hallowed pages absolutely no reference to elves. The existence of such beings is a lie with foul origins in the Satanic labyrinth of Pagan mythology: a darkness which has no fellowship with the light of GAFCON.

Having prayerfully considered this matter I am still prepared to recommend Titus One Nine as a source of Bible teaching, albeit with the proviso that women should best avoid it until young Kendall has repented of this disgraceful flirtation with evil.

For those men of sufficient maturity to not be seduced by the blatant Paganism, might I suggest that each visit be accompanied by an email to Kendall himself at, urging him to turn from this wickedness and live (Ezekiel 18:27). Please, however, be aware of your manners: Canon Harmon is a sensitive and caring man, famous for his gentle and compassionate heart. Be sure when rebuking him you speak with the same love he so warmly shows others

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

Friday, May 16, 2008

The Burden of Ministry.

Since I do not permit my congregation to view the World Wide Web, they were unable to comprehend the importance of us commencing this crucial internet ministry. Nonetheless, exactly in accordance with my initial pronouncements, this mission to the captives of darkness has indeed begun to quench the thirst of those yearning for the freedom of clear Bible Teaching.

Consequently I have instructed my parish council to increase my stipend and other remunerative benefits accordingly. Yet, as I told them, there is also much danger associated with my new-found renown. As Proverbs 16:18 teaches with blessed clarity: "Pride goeth before destruction, and an haughty spirit before a fall."

Therefore it is essential that, as I have ordered them, the congregation humbles themselves immediately, and enters unto a season of penitence lest their hearts be captured by vanity and pride. Congregational uniforms have been confiscated and replaced with sackcloth and ashes, and when it is revealed to me that their time of repentance and humility is concluded they will be able to repurchase their uniforms at a generous discount.

Further, the ministry team and domestic staff will set a special example by being restricted to a diet of bread and water. Since the Bible teaches that any man called to carry the burden of leadership is to do so in mercy (Luke 6:36) they shall be not be required to prepare my meals in the rectory during this time. Instead I shall use this period of spiritual growth to witness at several fine local restaurants.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

Thursday, May 15, 2008

Lies being told about Archbishop Akinola

That there is much darkness upon this cesspit called the internet is no secret to a faithful Bible teacher such as myself, called as I am to monitor the evil lurking in the hearts of other men. Of all the foul places which my eyes must peruse daily, perhaps none is as routinely abhorrent as that of an English (need I say more) Friend-of-Sodomites known as Mad Priest.

Now call me old-fashioned, but my policy is that if you can’t say anything nice about a wicked and insane menace to God-fearing society you shouldn’t say anything at all. Yet this latest accusation is going too far: an honest member of a fine GAFCON church selection panel has been accused of suggesting Archbishop Akinola would appoint a negro as their parish priest!

The patent absurdity of this lie is obvious to anyone who has read their Bible. Archbishop Akinola may indeed be a person of color, but he’s an outstanding example of his race, and certainly capable of understanding such a thing is completely contrary to Bible teaching.

My opinion is that the whole thing is nothing but the latest in a litany of lies and misinformation. Just look at the “facts” as presented – is it really possible that a GAFCON church would permit a woman to occupy a position of any authority upon their selection panel? What kind of a husband would permit his wife to communicate with their former apostate liberal bishop? In a person-to-person call, without an intermediary or chaperone? Certainly not a GAFCON man.

No. I believe this to be just one more deception from the father of lies (John 8:44). Christians can soon expect a statement to this effect from the GAFCON Eldership.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

The Importance of Hatred

”As it is written, Jacob have I loved, but Esau have I hated.” Rom 9:13

Something the liberals destroying our Church with their perverted message of love never mention is that The Word makes it clear that hating some folks is simply part and parcel of what every Bible believer must do. The Sodomites and wishy-washy liberals can squirm and scream like babies all they wish, but the fact is that The Bible shows some people were only created so those prepared to show obedience to Orthodox teaching can do so by hating them.

In the examply of Esau we are called to hate him because he was red and hairy (Gen 26:25). There can be no apology for saying that Scripture teaches we must sometimes despise people for the way they look. That’s just the way things are, and it’s why I cannot accept any compromise whatsoever when it comes to hiring domestic staff for the Manse. Servants must be pleasing to the eye, even if they come from lands where most folk are Roman Catholics, hairy and despicable. God loved Jacob because he was a smooth man (Gen 27:11), and if we are to be faithful to The Word we have no option other than to similarly value those qualities.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Thought For Today.

Like all of The Word’s promises, today's teaching has applications far wider than just those first suggested by the text:

Spare the rod and spoil the child.

I have personally proven this wisdom invaluable when disciplining domestic staff. It’s also much cheaper than having them deported.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

Monday, May 12, 2008


Of all the curses, pestilences, and perversions through which The Bible teaches that the chaff is being sifted from the grain, none is as pernicious as pornography. Whereas leprosy and jock-rot merely eat away at a man’s exterior, pornography literally devours his very spirit from the inside. While famine and dysentery might cause the body to waste and perish, pornography causes the heart to grow slothful and corpulent, and a man’s vital energies to fester and putrefy. Is it merely coincidence that the current epidemic of heart disease and cancer in otherwise virile and healthy men has corresponded exactly to the global fascination with viewing material unfit for even the very gutters of hell itself?

Faithful Bible teachers must cut no corners when it comes to fighting this plague, and I’m proud to say that recently I’ve been able to expose and expel from leadership no fewer than eight members of my congregation and ministry team for accessing internet sites containing unseemly and unnatural images.

The technology which has made this miracle possible is a marvellous gift called Covenant Eyes, which was revealed to me by a wicked liberal Friend-of-Sodomites, whose evil daily blathering I monitor as part of my burdensome commitment to be aware of the enemy’s latest tactics. “Forewarned is Forearmed”, as my late uncle always said right up to the day he was accidentally killed while hunting squirrels, and you can always be certain that anything which causes a liberal to mock and jeer is sure to be a powerful tool for righteousness. That’s why I drive a Hummer.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

Sunday, May 11, 2008

Stand Firm in Faith

Of all Bible-believing internet sites is unquestionably one of the most trustworthy and responsible.

However there is sadly one disturbing indication that the octopus-like tentacles of liberalism are encroaching. While drawing attention to this stain on an otherwise unblemished fortress of Bible Teaching causes me great personal pain, I cannot permit this to go unmentioned:

Stand Firm permits women to teach!

At first this was limited to allowing women to post their “thoughts” in the comments section of articles written by men, but lately women have even been permitted to produce and post articles of their own – in blatant disregard of the Apostle Paul’s clear injunction and practice (Timothy 2:12). The state of the modern church shows exactly where Stand Firm will end up if this trend isn’t reversed, and I urge everyone who takes the Bible seriously to contact and rebuke them for this wilful Scriptural apostasy.

Given the friendly and caring spirit for which the men at Stand Firm are renown I’m sure they will respond positively and with repentance. Soon the women currently nattering away like schoolgirls will once more bring glory to their husbands by quietly absorbing what they read in silence, and obediently wait for an appropriate time in the privacy of their homes to ask their male guardian for the meaning of any big words.

I’m Father Christian, and I teach the Bible.

Saturday, May 10, 2008

Thought For Today.

It's a simple little word, made all the more beautiful by that simplicity. If you think about it "no" is hat the heart of everything we "know". All that you say and do that is not directly related to Bible-believing teachers like myself should be based on this one expressive gift to mankind.

Today's liberals want to remove it from our vocabulary, and say "no" isn't needed today, but they are lying. A few church leaders still have the intestinal fortitude needed to say "no" to others in need, even if it makes them unpopular with those thrown about by every wind of doctrine Eph 4:14), and they're easy to recognise: they're GAFCON men.

Practice saying "No" regularly, and those around with will be certain of where you stand. They'll recognize you as a GAFCON bible-believer

I'm Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

You're Not Welcome.

Great things are happening in Global Anglicanism, and this blog is at the forefront. The time has come for Bible believers to live by the sword (Gen 27:40) and for Bible-believing congregations to reclaim their their birthright, living as The Word clearly teaches "as slaves to your masters with all respect, not only to those who are good and considerate, but also to those who are harsh." (1 Peter 2:18)

This blog will link to the people who matter - sites like Stand Firm and Virtue Online - but let's make it clear from the outset that we'll be doing so without fear or favor. The Word cannot be compromised; let's not pretend there aren't those who would "take away from the words of the book of this prophecy" standing on every corner. (Rev 22:19). Just as words came forth from the mouth of Balaam's ass, (Numbers 22:28), so too has Archbishop Akinola spoken for us all: "The other side do not have a monopoly on violence."

Let's be clear about one thing, however: if you're looking for mamby-pamby liberal forgiveness and "Adam and Steve" compromise you have come to the wrong place, and you won't be welcome here until you repent according the Bible's teachings. Sheep are being separated from the goats (Matt 25:33) and faithful Christian Bible teachers like me are not ashamed to be doing the sorting.

I'm Father Christian and I teach the Bible. Let's be clear about that.