Dear Sinners – today finds the World’s Foremost Doctrinal Warrior breathless with excitement as I announce with great joy that the FIRST SCHISM BETWEEN THE GAFCON BIBLE-BELIEVING FAITHFUL HAS OFFICIALLY OCCURRED!!
Yes, this monumental event has already taken place – while the dirty sheets at the Jerusalem Renaissance Hotel are still warm and sticky – and as you can well imagine Father Christian is right at the heart of things!
The reasons behind this exciting development are simple: after seeing Little Pete Jensen had managed to pull the wool over everyone’s eyes I immediately went to the Sydney diocese web pages with the intention of offering them my services (for an appropriate fee, of course) as an internationally respected Biblical-scholar and Pastor. Naturally they require one first register before participating in discussions, which was a pleasing sign: it’s always encouraging to find suspicion and exclusivity playing a key role in the life of a Christian institution. Then, after humbly filling in my online application like an ordinary common-or-garden believer (I may be the world’s most discerning exegete, but I am by no means a vain man) I was told to wait for their approval!
Now normally I don’t wait for anyone, since God has clearly anointed me as more important than others. Still, realising I was dealing with Sydney, and whichever Jensen has the job of being in charge of these things probably had to run off and find an older cousin able to read and check everything was correct, I was prepared to provide an edifying example of patience. Therefore Christians everywhere will understand my complete disgust when I received the outrageous response, presented here in full!
Christian Troll,THAT’S IT!!! In an email headed “Your membership account has been declined” this was all the information these jumped-up sons of kangaroos had the nerve to provide! No name (alright, it’s a certainty the sender’s family name is “Jensen”, but that’s not the point); no explanation of why they should have so insulted the wisest Christian in history; not even an attempt to address me by my PROPER TITLES!!
We're sorry but our staff has decided not to validate your membership.
There can be no turning back from this point: it is impossible for faithful Bible-believing Christians to remain in Communion with these godless apostate sons of the harlot of Babylon, and I hereby issue the first formal notice of GAFCON schism:
St. Onuphrius Ichabod Springs, a parish of the Northernmost Southern Cone under the oversight of the Bishop of Molvania acting in fellowship with Bishop Kunonga of Zimbabwe, is now officially in schism with the (formerly) Anglican Diocese of Sydney Australia (aka 'Jensenville'). Unless the Jensenites formally repent and return to the Bible's teachings (in addition to paying the St. Onuphrius’ Vicar Superior appropriate compensation for the harm caused by their wickedness) there can be no common ground on which we can consider ourselves able to meet and pray together.Yes; while there will be many such divisions occurring among the GAFCON faithful in the days ahead, we can all rejoice that I am the first to split, and you, sinful reader, have been so blessed as to be able to share in this historic moment.
I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.