Monday, August 31, 2009

"Brokering Community Peaceful Relationships..."

In the comments to yesterday’s important homily Dearly Beloved Sinner Lapinizarre noted that Gbenga Onayiga’s subtly balanced review of Archbishop Akinola has also appeared in a second Nigerian newspaper, The Nation.

Clearly big Pete’s publicity machine is now running at full throttle, although how much traction he’s got won’t be certain until we see an article in The Sun (how can anybody not love a newspaper that runs an article headlined “Mystery World of Hunchbacks”?) What’s more The Nation’s version is heavily edited – something you’d better believe the Abuja Diocesan Communicator is hoping his boss doesn’t notice.

This is especially a problem because The Nation has omitted a paragraph lauding one of big Pete’s greatest strengths: his relationship with other faiths. As the hagiography’s unabridged version trumpets “The members of the Anglican Church are committed to establishing mutual co-operation with members of other faiths and religions”. Which is epitomized by his response to the Yelwa massacre - if grinning and saying “No comment” (see here for a précis on that example of “mutual co-operation”) doesn’t help “achieve the goals of winning more people to Christ and evolving a society that is just, caring, equitable, and one in which all can live in peace and true love” what will?

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

Sunday, August 30, 2009

"Let's start with his administrative wizardry..."

Gbenga Onayiga, the Abuja Diocesan Communicator, today wrote in the Nigerian Guardian of my ministry: “GAFCON has now grown to become a global Movement that continues to fight for the soul and future of the Anglican Communion as a Church that is faithful to the revealed and written Word of God.

Now praise this effluvial, even when coming from someone whose occupation is more correctly described as “court flatterer”, is always most enjoyable, but nobody in their right mitre ever takes it too seriously. Not even humble big Pete Akinola, of whom Gbenga speaks in such glowing terms through the rest of the article that Bishop Quinine’s first reaction upon reading it was to fear the Nabob of Nigeria had died and Michael Jackson’s hagiographers moved on to a new contract.

As I explained to him, and as anyone who’s ever spent time in a nation as socio-politically sophisticated and honest as Nigeria knows, eulogies this glowing are never produced when someone’s died, since that’s the time to curry favour with the new regime by sticking knives into the corpse of their predecessor. No, this is either the work of someone who badly wants a very large favour granted, or else he’s been ordered to start preparing the ground for a constitutional variation permitting big Pete to continue wielding his sacramental machete of office. My belief is the latter: that the modestly understated “hero of our time” has ordered his minions to get busy in order that he might soon be declared Supreme Leader for Life.

At the very least things are being set up in such a way as to ensure that the still unannounced heir is appointed unquestioned, but I have my doubts such a lad, if he ever existed at all, is still extant. Leaders of ++Akinola’s persuasion have an unfortunate tendency to eat their young.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

Friday, August 28, 2009

Dream a little dream of Me.

It’s just come to my attention that the fairest maiden in all schismatic Christendom, whose love for me must forever remain unsatiated, has been experiencing dreams of a “lude [sic] and catchy” song featuring “an inappropriate dance”.

Now you don’t have to be Sigmund Freud (or even James Dobson) to understand what this most beautiful of all “invalid matter” (read the comments here if you’re not familiar with that wonderful expression) has been subconsciously projecting her yearnings for the Greatest of all Doctrinal Warriors, and I must ask all of you, My Dearly Beloved Sinners, to pray for sweet Hostillium in her struggles.

In the meantime, my blossom of Binghamton, please accept this clip as a dedication made especially in your matchless honour:


And for those of you who don’t have the faintest idea of what all this is about, click here and read down to the third last paragraph.

I’m Father Christian, and I understand why people find me irresistible.

Thursday, August 27, 2009

There'll be a fight before bedtime.

Recently I’ve been growing concerned about the amount of time that’s passed since ACNA appointed another “bishop” – it must have been more than six weeks since they ordained the last one, and there’s no way they’ll have every man, child, & dog (but no women. Ever.) wearing purple by Christmas if they don’t get a move on with things.

Thankfully the drought broke last Saturday, when little Jack Iker consecrated layman William H. Ilgenfritz, who is known to his friends as “Uncle Fester” for reasons which will become entirely obvious after viewing his picture here. He'll be “bishop” of the “Missionary Diocese of All Saints”, a trans-American Forward in Faith overlay which hopes to establish pseudo-Anglo-Catholic parishes in places where people can’t distinguish them from the real thing.

According to little Jack, Mr. Ilgenfritz’s (why do all these schismatics have names that sound like they were taken from a Marx Bros. movie?) appointment also “secures a continuing line of apostolic succession for traditional anglo-catholics, which is no longer possible in The Episcopal Church in the United States”, which suggests the future of little Bobby’s sect is going be very, very complicated.

For all its faults, at least when someone was ordained in the old apostate Communion they were ordained: they were either a Priest or they weren’t. In ACNA, however, it looks as if the validity of any individual’s ordination is going to depend upon whether or not their faction is recognized by one’s own schismatic sub-set. After all, how will Mr. Ilgenfritz and his gang be able to consider Sacraments valid if the consecrating Priest wasn't ordained a bishop they consider 'real'? Will they even begin to acknowledge the authority of, for example, the Reformed ACNA leaders?

Some years ago we triple-booked the St. Onuphrius’ Parish Halls. A simple oversight, it lead to the simultaneous arrival one Saturday morning of the Ichabod Springs Poultry Fancier’s Association (accompanied by more than a hundred prize birds), a convention of cat breeders displaying their most virile toms, and a support group for hyper-active terriers and their anxious owners. Although we engaged professional cleaners to handle the resulting mess, it’s still possible to find feathers if one looks closely, and I recently heard our insurance company finally negotiated a payout for those rendered deaf by the melee. Rest assured, however, that little scuffle was nothing compared to what ACNA conferences will be like a few years from now. If they haven’t torn themselves apart long before then.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Peter Ould: Theology from Evangelicalism's Prostate.

There’s no denying Prostate Pete is a tricky little fellow. A few days ago the world’s most outspoken evangelical advocate of bum play published a post which quite cleverly managed to draw a distinction between Justice and Jesus.

Naturally the real thrust (sincerest apologies to anyone whom stumbles as a result of my using that word in this context) of the little Rev. Prostate’s post was about homosexualists daring to enjoy the rich blessings of the life God has given them. So to be honest it was pretty much the same as all his other posts, but as every Reasserter knows, it’s quantity not quality that matters when arguing theology. This notwithstanding, however, let's not lose sight of the fact that the notion that Our Lord is not synonymous with justice strikes is a truly marvellous development for Gafconeers everywhere.

Certainly, we've all paid lip-service to the idea of justice being integral to Christianity for years, but thanks to Peter Ould we can now be free of the pretense entirely. All those terrible mistakes in the Infallible Scriptures about caring for the poor, the weak, and the vulnerable, can be discarded in an instant: all we need to say is that “we’re about Jesus – not justice” when confronted by some sordid and petty affair involving suffering and someone unimportant, and our hands can be washed as clean as Pilate’s.

In keeping with the spirit of his theological initiative, little Prostate has also decided he doesn’t need to care about anyone else’s opinion. As I write this his site's front page shows he's received 20 comments to this post, but clicking on the link miraculously renders them all invisible! This is a pity, because yesterday, when those not part of Petey’s inner circle (notice I didn’t use the word ring here – never say I don’t have any compassion for my post-gay brethren) could still read the comments there were not only a number of insightful remarks from a Dearly Beloved Sinner, but Petey's responses were an absolute education in evangelical thought. My favourite was “I just have absolutely no idea where you’re coming from with all this.”, uttered in response to a straightforward outline of the traditional Christian belief in Jesus as the personification of justice. This sort of insight shows just how well Petey’s already practicing what he’s started preaching, although I’ve got to admit it does suggest standards at British evangelical seminaries have fallen even lower than we feared.

The most beautifully self-obsessed quote, however, is still on display to anyone interested in reading far enough into the piece to find it:

Despite this, my homosexuality was never a bar to ordination and never a hindrance to being a fully baptised member of the church and one privileged to administer its sacraments.
I wonder if Prostate Pete thinks Archbishop Jensen would have seen things this way had it been him and not his twin Dobby who sought ordination in Sydney?

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

PS: A few hours after posting this homily our little double-minded friend turned his comments back on, although most people daring to question him (The impudence! Petey's been ordained for more than a year now, so how can anyone have the nerve to presume he doesn't know everything???) are finding their comments censored in a fit of prostate-fueled pique.

In accordance with the conservative principle of always placing oneself at the center of every conversation he's also trying hard to shift to the question of how much time a dearly beloved sinner thinks Petey spends in daily Bible study. For someone who's obviously more than a little obsessed with you-know-what it's not a bad attempt at side-stepping, although it would be far more convincing if the Prince of Prostate-pleasure could demonstrate he has actually glanced at more than a few proof-texts from Leviticus: regardless of how much time he devotes to gazing at a beloved Schofield Reference it's obvious it isn't what one might call 'quality comprehension time'.

Monday, August 24, 2009

A new mission to Britain.

As every Reasserter knows, the future of Anglicanism depends upon stealing churches. Granted, so far the wicked judges whom our Infallible Father in Heaven mistakenly appointed to rule over us have generally decided Episcopal church property is in fact the property of the Episcopal church, and not that of a new sect created by a former Bishop of Pittsburgh, but the principle remains the same: “Thou shalt not steal” applies only to six-packs of beer from the local 7-Eleven, automobiles belonging to people you like, and any act of larceny involving a blue-collar perpetrator. Everything else is fine, and in the case of parish buildings if one shares the theological inclinations of Jack Iker or little David Schofield, the theft can even be considered a work of supererogation.

Thanks to The Lead I’m delighted to learn that this truth, which up until now has only been applied in the U.S. and Canada, is now attracting adherents in Great Britain. In fact church theft is catching on so fast there that Peter Walley, chaplain to the Bishop of Lichfield, described this development to The Times as “the biggest asset-stripping of churches since the dissolution of the monasteries”.

So far it appears British church-thieves have some way to go before matching their Conservative North American brethren, since according to the The Times they’re currently only stealing the roofs, and leaving behind items of real value such as the silverware, pews and parishioners. Surely ACNA can spare at least one Bishop (goodness knows they’ve more than enough of them) to jump across the Atlantic and show them how to do things properly – if Bobby Duncan is serious about mission he should make this an issue of the highest priority. At the very least someone needs to quickly take everything they can grab from all these roofless churches before the apostate authorities have a chance to make the premises more secure. One only has to look at little Matt Kennedy’s story to see how much harder stealing church property becomes once the locks have been changed and the building secured.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

Saturday, August 22, 2009

The Heart of the Church.

Poor little Kendall Harmon isn’t what he used to be, and lately Nahum Three Six has been a shadow of its formerly aggressive self. Once a reliable source of fresh vitriol every morning, these days I generally find myself visiting David Virtue’s little brother purely for the sake of the advertisements: it’s always interesting to see who’s so desperate for customers they’ll link their name to anyone.

The latest sponsor of Kendall’s pre-digested bile is a South Carolina “educational” institution which boasts of “Restoring theology to the heart of the church”. (Since Kendall’s site rotates advertisements I’ve saved a copy of this bold claim here.)

Now my Dearly Beloved Sinners, of all the things I’ve heard through the years that supposedly belong at the heart of the Church, theology is a new one for me. “Jesus”, “The Holy Spirit”, “Love”, or “Forgiveness” – nothing new about any of these. Those of you with Catholic inclinations might hold that “the Eucharist” lays at the Church’s heart, while my friends in Forward in Faith would expand this to “the Sacraments when administered by a priest with an allegedly heterosexual penis”. Meanwhile Evangelicals insist it’s “the Bible”, or “Grace” (by which they really mean “Condemnation”), and little Bobby Duncan would undoubtedly answer “Property”. Martyn Minns’ track record proves that for him it “becoming a Bishop”, an answer not dissimilar to +Nasty-Alley’s and +Wright’s: “becoming Archbishop”. But theology????

At a congregational level I know from my many years of practical ministry that the heart of the Church should be “keeping the Senior Minister in the lifestyle to which he is entitled” – a view with which Don Armstrong clearly concurs, although he also serves as an example of what happens if one loses a sense of subtlety when applying this principle.

Even so, I’ve always been of the opinion that theology is the means by which people reach the end goal of better understanding God, in much the same way that medical science is the means by which treatments are developed for the purpose of healing the sick. Both the means and the end are vital, but the former is so because of its impact upon the latter. Little Kendall’s advertiser would have us believe that tools – not the life which enables us to use them, nor the enjoyment of that which they equip us to construct – are central to the communities in which we share our faith.

Mind you, looking at the advertiser – “St Paul's Theological Center - South Carolina Campus” a little more closely showed that they are in fact an off-shoot of the latest development in the empire that is Nicky Gumbell’s Alpha Course. Which means that when they say “theology” they actually mean “our theology”; a dozen or so points in an ahistorical blancmange of Protestant-revivalism which has always excluded more people than it accepts. If the future heart of the church is filled with this I predict a massive increase in the demand for Clerical Cardiologists: how much do you think St. Onuphrius’s will be able to charge for a triple bypass and valve replacement?

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

Friday, August 21, 2009

The Immutability of Conservative Dogma.

“If your faith isn’t static” I always teach young Christians, “our Loving Father is going torture you for all eternity.” This principle is something all the important names in the Glorious Schism understand; they might speak of the “living’ God, but you’ll never catch anyone at Viagraville implying God’s interaction with humanity might be in any way dynamic.

Sure it was in the past, as suggested by errors in the Infallible Word of Scripture such as Jonah 3:10, which depicts God as having a change of heart concerning the smiting of Nineveh, doubtless because it seemed easier to simply wait a couple of thousand years and let George W. Bush and the American taxpayers do it instead. Yet this passage should foremost be seen as indicative that Jonah clearly lacked focus when it came to building the kind of congregation that Rick Warren bothers soliciting.

After all, when it comes to travelling to speaking engagements Jonah’s standards were distinctly lower than contemporary expectations; correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think Bishop Tom Wright accepts “in the belly of a great fish” as an acceptable substitute for Business Class (although given little Peter Jensen’s investment prowess I believe his serfs are being ordered to investigate it as an affordable alternative to flying – the current problem is finding a fish capable of swallowing Bishop Falstaff).

No, if we are to grow subservient, unthinking hordes for Jesus we must dismiss the archaic notion of a dynamic God the same way we have replaced the notion of faith as only finding expression in community; with simplistic misinterpretations of single verses removed from their Scriptural context. Thus when confronted with the notion that God is calling us to move on from a nasty late-Victorian notion of sexual identity and marriage, we need to chant Hebrews 13:8 (“Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.”) in much the same way as the sheep chant in Orwell’s Animal Farm.

Never mind that the author of Hebrews said this in the course of a polemic against the idea that gentile Christians should submit to the Torah – it’s only the rhetoric that matters. More crucially, never permit people to think about the implications of interpreting that verse literally, or else they may start to wonder how Jesus could've learned how to use modern firearms. After all, how can anyone be the Son of God if they can’t operate an automatic rifle? And on a similar note, 6,935 days without once putting on fresh underwear is excessive for anyone - even if they are divine.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Last drinks for big Pete.

Dearly Beloved Sinners; I’ve just realised we’re more than halfway through August, and the clock is ticking on the greatest African Clergyman in history. And no, I’m not talking about little Matt Kennedy, but a real African: big Pete Akinola.

Contrary to what most people believe, the Church of Nigeria is not ruled by primatial fiat, but does indeed have a constitution. Which specifically states that the longest any one man is allowed to wear the biggest hat in Abuja is ten years, and that his successor must be elected no less than three months before the previous incumbent shuffles off to enjoy the fruits of his previous decade’s reign.

This means that the Glorious Global Schism has at most four months left to enjoy the balanced, selfless leadership we’ve grown to know and love – providing, of course, big Pete doesn’t find a convenient loophole allowing him to continue in some ‘advisory’ capacity. After all, if Kim Il-sung can remain ‘Eternal President’ of North Korea despite the minor inconvenience of having died fifteen years ago, there’s got to be some way of keeping big Pete on the throne.

What’s more, thanks to ++Akinola’s impressive vision for growth the numbers now are certainly stacked in his favor. When first appointed to enjoy a little rumpy-pumpy in the Bishop’s Court bedroom, in 2000, the Church of Nigeria comprised just 79 dioceses: the figure today is 159. Sure, some of them have more in common with The Sopranos than with Anglican Tradition (anyone fancy a parish in Okigwe-North?), but that’s neither here nor there when it comes to calling in favors from all the ambitious young gentlemen you gave a leg-up on their ascent to the prelacy. Consequently my prediction is that as an expression of their gratitude big Pete will be invited to continue as overseer of CANA.

After all, a nice mansion in Virginia would be the ideal base from which to continue basking in the limelight to which he has grown accustomed, while at the same time allowing his successor enough distance to begin indulging his own predilection for expensive automobiles: it would make for a classic win-win situation. Providing, of course, you’re not Martyn Minns or Bobby Duncan – but it’s a bit late in the day to start worrying on their behalf. They made their bed; they’ve nobody but themselves to blame if they find themselves having to share it.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

Friday, August 14, 2009

Catching Up.

Like any conservative Rector, I’m a great believer in micro-managing my staff. It’s the little things that keep them on their toes and feeling incompetent, like ignoring the message of a brilliant sermon to focus upon a point somewhere about five minutes in (never be precise in your criticisms) when a more mature preacher would have momentarily paused before continuing. Similarly, always ‘find’ blemishes upon their vestments immediately prior to the service commencing (keep a small bag of dirt in your pocket for this purpose): that way no matter how well they perform you can always bring them back down to earth afterwards by warning them of the number of complaints parishioners made about their slovenly appearance.

Similarly, a Bible-believing Leader must never miss an opportunity to make mountains out of mole-hills. The finest example of this strategy was sent to me by a thoroughly scurrilous escaped prisoner of Jensenland, who recounted how the slum-lord Suffragan Bishop of South Sydney Robert Forsyth (known colloquially as “Bishop Falstaff” on account of his discerning palate) once spent an entire hour-long meeting ignoring the content and findings of a 12 page report – which had taken almost a month to compile – to quiz the author at length upon their choice of font and text size. Honestly, my Dearly Beloved Sinners, if all clergy could aspire to standards like this the apostate liberals would have all been driven away years ago!

Consequently these last few days I’ve been terrifically busy nit-picking over everything done while I was bed-ridden: anyone seeing how thoroughly I’ve meddled in the minutiae of ministry would think this was San Joaquin in the good old days before little David Schofield became preoccupied with losing court cases. This has, however, meant I’ve found myself unfortunately short of time when it comes to following the Glorious Global Schism’s latest developments.

Nevertheless, in a refreshingly vicious quarrel at Viagraville (do they have any other type of interactions there?), which was pointed out to me by a Most Fondly Beloved Sinner, little Matt Kennedy has managed to insult two of Conservatism’s most famous educational institutions, as he has every right to given his obviously superior ministry experience (how many church properties have they managed to unsuccessfully steal, and what kind of prison time are they facing for having goofed around with TEC assets?). Things turned really exciting when Dean Munday of Nashotah House (where I’ve been told students' quarters are equipped with positively palatial closets) remarked “Golly, if only I had known sooner how much slander against Nashotah House our advertising on Stand Firm was helping to support!” - which in turn was met by the most pleasantly sycophantic response from little Greg Griffith I’ve seen in a long time.

Naturally little Matt wasn’t threatened with a banning, because Viagraville would never ban anyone for something like that, and the idea of them having different rules for their own is simply ridiculous. As is the notion that Nashotah would ever spend their money elsewhere. They’re as eager to see themselves closed down and converted into the “Primate Duncan Institute for Selective Bible Study and Eyebrow Care” as little Bobby himself is.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Orange Laughter

Young Brother Richthofen just popped in for a visit, and to cheer me up read some of the most hilarious things ever found on the internet. It seems he’s been following the recent trouble in Dumbarton, and in an effort to get a better understanding of things followed the problem back to its source – or at least one of the sources, given that both Satan and innate stupidity also deserve credit. And where he ended up was the Grand Orange Lodge of Ireland.

Now to be perfectly honest these past few days laughing hasn’t been foremost on my mind; it's been one of those times when trivial predilections like breathing assume a disproportionate importance. Still, thanks to your prayers, the altruistic pharmacists at Roche who gave the world Tamiflu (not to mention every Republican frat boys’ first-date essential, Rohypnol), and the kind of medical care that Obama diabolically feels should be available to anyone, regardless of whether or not they’ve had the foresight to be born wealthy, WASP and beloved by god, I’m already feeling much better. And while I had been a little despondent at my doctor’s advice to wait at least another week before resuming the Freestyle Motocross training I’d just commenced (one can only do so many BASE Jumps before the endless equipment checks become tedious), Brother Richtofen’s discoveries on the Orange Lodge web site have certainly brightened my morning.

Take this one, for example:

“The Orange Institution is a Christian organisation… It is Christ-centred, Bible-based, Church-grounded.”
Or how about the handy “In Your Pocket Guide to Orangeism”? With this little gem by your side you’ll never again find yourself lost for words in a sectarian argument – although I’d recommend you keep it in your jacket pocket, not your trousers. You wouldn’t want to catch anything nasty down there, and the voices of Orangeism aren’t used to that degree of proximity to anyone’s personals.

The most inspiring, however, is this:
“When brethren in Togo, which has a strong Orange movement...”
Just when it had begun to look like the trade in bigotry and religious hatred between Africa and the west was all one way...

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

Monday, August 10, 2009

Apropos of...

Father Christian's condition has deteriorated, although with Tamiflu and a nebulizer he's expected to be feeling much better in the next 24 hours. We'd all appreciate your prayers for him, since if things get any worse he's going have to be moved to hospital and put on oxygen, and who can tell how much mischief he's going to get up to while surrounded by people in nurse's uniforms?

Since he's unable to deliver a homily today he's asked I instruct you all to meditate on this icon by the writer / historian / adventurer / artist / musician / social commenter Bill Bottomley.


'Consuella'

Sunday, August 9, 2009

An Open Letter to Martyn Minns.

Dear ‘Bishop’ Minns,

As The Lord has undoubtedly already informed you, for the past twenty-four hours I have been smitten by an influenza virus so virulent that until medical experts convinced me otherwise I believed I’d been captured by Apostate Liberals and was being broken at the wheel.

Fortunately ample doses of paracetamol have reduced my fever to somewhere between ‘nuclear’ and ‘molten’, and a combination of steroids so lavish that an Eastern bloc Olympic team would have been envious, has controlled the ancillary respiratory complications to the point where breathing no longer invokes auditory images of Darth Vader. With a juicily phlegmatic cough. (Hey – if Prostate Pete can discuss his you-know-what I’m allowed to tell people about my sputum.)

We both know there are dark spiritual forces behind this attack on the Wisest Christian in Orthodoxy; forces which Bible-denying westerners have ignored in their futile pursuit of humanist notions like academic honesty and scientific impartiality. Sure, we’ve eliminated smallpox, but who in TEC - or anywhere else among the god-forsaken revisionists - is taking seriously the very real threat posed by demonic witch-children?

While trawling through YouTube in search of a gentle melody to ease my aching bones and remind me of my feelings for all of you in ACNA, I chanced to discover this inspiring video of Nigerian Christians fighting for the right to maim, torture, and kill children.

Now I realise none of these loving servants of Our Lord are Anglicans, but I can’t help noticing that neither authentic Nigerian Clergy, such as Big Pete Akinola, nor faux-Nigerians like yourself have uttered so much as one word in opposition to this reign of paediatric terror. Consequently I can only conclude that you and your colleagues are aware there might be something in all this ranting about innocent infants engaging in a demonic attack upon crazed Bible-believers.

Which brings us to the point of why I’m writing to you, my dear little Martyn. Lately I’ve noticed a number of children “playing” in the grounds of a nearby child-care facility, and I’m becoming increasingly convinced that their evil is the real cause of my current malaise. Consequently I’d very much appreciate if you forwarded me some DNA samples from yourself and other leading Nigerian clergy, so that after the problem has been dealt with in an authentically Christian Nigerian fashion – by hacking the little ones to pieces with machetes and then setting fire to their limbless (but still conscious) bodies – this can then be planted at the scene to male it look like you and your fellow clergy are responsible.

After all; it’s not as if your hands aren’t already smeared with the blood of countless African children. What’s that of a few more from Ichabod Springs?

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

Friday, August 7, 2009

Peter Ould on Biblical Bum-Play (and Book-Burning).

Sadly it’s a rarely taught fact that what Jesus meant by ‘blaspheming against the Holy Spirit’ in Mark 3:29 is actually the wicked and unforgiveable sin of laughing at Conservative Bible Teachers. As Peter Ould’s new role model, L. Ron Hubbard, so eloquently demonstrated, anyone indulging in the heinous sin of failing to take pompous and self-important religious 'leaders' (especially the young and inexperienced ones) as seriously as they take themselves is indeed “fair game”. Consequently orthodox believers in freedom, free speech, and the personal accountability of each and every one of us before God, are perfectly within their rights to do whatever it takes to silence anyone daring to mock their arrogant pretensions to exegetical infallibility.

After all, if a post-homosexualist conservative can’t discuss bum-play (scroll down the comments to find the reference, or go to the link, press Ctrl-F and search for “G-Spot for all males”) when he feels the urge without people snickering things are worse than we thought. I ask you, how can anyone consider the following an odd tangent in a post about a Ruth Gledhill article:

“The prostate works as a G-Spot for all males, regardless of the sex of the person they’re having sex with. It’s not a proof of the validity of homosexual activity in and of itself. Plenty of wives have discovered how to access said prostate and husbands up and down the land are truly grateful.
I think that’s about as far as I’ll go on that one.”
... and just because he says a few comments later
“The things my wife and I enjoy doing are probably not the same things that other married couples enjoy doing…”
is certainly no reason to engage in speculation about why he feels this necessary to share. Nor can it be in any way considered inappropriate to the context of Ruth’s original topic. Can it? (Stop laughing, my Dearly Beloved Sinners!)

One of the many things I love about little Peter Ould is his refusal to recognize stereotypes. While some Conservatives are obsessed with 'curing' homosexuality, little Petie never swings the subject in that direction more frequently than 4 out of every five posts. (Alright – perhaps the real figure is 9 out of 10, but I’m a Conservative, so I’m allowed to exaggerate to make a point.) While like to be thought of as considering threats of litigation unacceptable for Christians (irrespective of what they actually do), little Peter takes pride in making vexatious threats.

Nor, surprisingly given his background, does he seem to have heard of Barbra Streisand. Or, to be more precise, The Streisand Effect. Which as a result of having done this is something that’s going to change.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

The Covenant: a little background.

Back when Henry Ford was just another insignificant anti-semite with a crazy dream of doing something spectacular to help warm the planet, he came to me seeking advice. After reviewing his plans, which at that point was for a whole range of automobiles in a plethora of colors, my recommendations were straightforward: that in his initial stages he should stick to just one model, which I called “T” (for The World's Greatest Bible Teacher), available in just one color.

“There’ll be plenty of time in the future to offer variety, and a special range of vehicles featuring murals based upon the subtle cover artwork of Meatloaf’s Bat out of Hell” I advised the visionary of Fordlândia, “You’ve only got to read the New Testament to see what happens if developing institutions aren’t rigidly forced into a single guiding principle.”

That advice, my Dearly Beloved Sinners, is as true today as it ever was, and I’m delighted to see the Archbishop of Canterbury is heeding my words in pushing for his own Church of England to lock their proverbials in a vice ++Cantaur's marketing experts have shrewdly branded The Covenant.

After Our Lord’s resurrection His great error was in failing to establish any water-tight managerial structure. Sure, St. Peter got the keys, but who got the handcuffs? Who was appointed to keep the books, or to stash the cash? Whose job was it to ensure the Apostles were maintained in the lifestyle to which they were entitled, and what were the finer points of that lifestyle anyway? Should leading clergy only ever be served Evian, or is it alright to offer Perrier if they find the bubbles’ sensually stimulating?

Certainly, the anarchic mess Christ chose to leave us with transformed the world, and two thousand years later continues to do so, but there’s no denying it was over a century before anyone was able to turn this confusion into something which made them seriously wealthy. Which is fine if all you’re selfishly concerned about is tomorrow’s entrepreneurs, but for those like Big Pete Akinola, or little Martyn Minns who want to enjoy the excesses of power, money and prestige now it’s simply not enough to leave things unharnessed. Control must be imposed from above, irrespective of whatever crazy ideas Jesus might have had.

Let’s face it; at the moment Archbishop Williams isn’t exactly enjoying the respect he anticipated when he first enjoyed a good bounce in the big bed at Lambeth. Just as was the case in the days of the early church, all sorts of people are running around saying all sorts of things, and there’s certainly no one organization reaping all the benefits associated with holding a monopoly on all things truly Christian. All this Covenant business is an attempt to redress this problem, and move the Church of England away from a Biblical model and towards one which ensures senior executives can exercise the degree of authority which God obviously forgot to give them.

I for one intend working closely with those Prelates who in their support for +Cantaur’s initiative are committed to taking the Church of England away from the unwieldy frameworks of Scripture, and towards one strict and ruthlessly enforced chain of command. It might not be what Jesus intended, but just look at how well it’s worked in Burma.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

The prodigal Fr. Jake returns!

Just as Our Lord was preceded by St. John the Baptist, so too was the path of my vital internet ministry first prepared by a voice crying in the wilderness. In this instance, however, that Faithful Servant was not only - let’s be frank about this – wiser than he who followed, and invariably less vitriolic, but frequently wrote with a compassion not dissimilar the sweetness of wild honey. Although I know for a fact that he drew the line at eating locusts.

And now – for the benefit of any Dearly Beloved Sinners who don’t already know this – he’s back from the wilderness. Regardless of how desperately little David Virtue may have sought to pretend he’s Salome, and demanded our Prophet’s head on a platter, Father Jake’s cranium remains firmly attached to his neck. And he’s not afraid to use it.

Go there now, and go there often. One cannot live on sarcasm alone.

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Clarification re: Peter Ould.

In response to the countless aggrieved Scientologists who’ve complained that a recent homily implied little Peter Ould had embraced Dianetics®, I would like to categorically state he is no way associated with your nasty cult, and his behaviour is entirely the by-product of his involvement with an equally nasty pseudo-religious entity: Gnostic Anglo-Baptist Puritanism, a soul-destroying brew more commonly known as Jensen Export®.

My reference to Scientology® was purely within the context of little Peter’s enthusiastic adoption of your founder’s cavalier approach to litigation, and it was never my intention to suggest Petie had been accepted as a member of your ‘Church’, nor that you would ever consider admitting him . I fully appreciate that not all spiteful power-hungry cults are entirely bereft of standards, and that groups such as SPREAD, ACNA and the Anglican Diocese of Sydney, should not be considered as representative of your own organization, irrespective of the obvious similarities.

I’m Father Christian and Xenu* loves you.

*Xenu fulfills a similar role in the Scientological pantheon as that occupied by little Peter Jensen within Anglicanism. Except little Peter Jensen is real. Sort of.

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Too much Viagra, Matt.

“But how are women going to run the Communion for a year and do laundry and clean house at the same time?”

Yes, I know he’s being facetious, but coming from a boy whose wife is not only a much better preacher than he’ll ever be, but who also home-schools four children, runs a blog that does at least show people of her persuasion can have a heart and soul (albeit frequently misguided ones), and who pastors a church while he’s off playing at being someone of consequence with people who say women have no right to do any but one of those things (teach the kids), it’s surprisingly revealing. And very stupid.

That it was made on a thread entitled “Is This the Stupidest Anglican Idea Ever?” is simply ironic. Especially when everyone knows this is the stupidest Anglican idea ever. Or it is now that Matt's taken left Anglicanism and joined an obscure misogynist sect.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

Monday, August 3, 2009

Peter Ould embraces Scientology.

Back in the 1950’s, when I was helping L. Ron Hubbard (the “L” stands for “Little”) develop what the world now knows as Scientology®, my advice was that at the first sign of any criticism he and his clams should threaten litigation, and keep sending out intimidatory mumbo-jumbo until all opponents are silenced.

These days there’s no denying what has become widely known as The Church of the Vexatious Lawsuit has faithfully applied my teaching (although they prefer to call it “Religious Technology”), but it’s always saddened me that Conservative Biblical Christians have failed to heed my advice with the same respectful diligence.

Fortunately little Peter Ould shows my words have not completely fallen on deaf ears. Certainly I’ve been heartened by the efforts of folks in places like Virginia racing off to the courts in accordance with St Paul’s teaching in 1 Corinthians 6, but generally it’s been left to men (and I use that noun figuratively) like the J. Mark Brewer to show what fundamentalists feel about free speech. Yet thanks to Dobby Ould’s envious twin Anglican Conservatives can once again hold their heads proud in the knowledge that they too embrace ‘Cease & Desist’ Slapp Suits as part of their evangelistic arsenal.

Since Petie doesn’t want his threat published, I’ll repost it in full here just in case something happens to the original at Father David Heron’s place:

Dear Mr Heron,

On receipt of this email I request that you immediately undertake the following actions;

i) The removal from your website (
http://fatherdavidheron.blogspot.com/) of all digital image material that I, Peter Ould, of Ware, , have created and own the copyright to, that you are displaying without my permission.

ii) The removal from your website (
http://fatherdavidheron.blogspot.com/) of all material that you havepublished, whether you are the author of said material or not, which consists of any words, writing, sign or other visible representation that is designed to threaten, abuse or insult myself, Peter Ould, Ware, on the grounds of my religion, race, age, sex or sexual orientation.

iii) The removal from your website (
http://fatherdavidheron.blogspot.com/) of all material that you havepublished, whether you are the author of said material or not, which consists of any words, writing, sign or other visible representation that is designed to threaten, abuse or insult my wife, Gayle Ould, Ware, on the grounds of her religion, race, age, sex or sexual orientation.

iv) The removal from your website (
http://fatherdavidheron.blogspot.com/) of all material that you havepublished, whether you are the author of said material or not, which consists of any words, writing, sign or other visible representation that is designed to threaten, abuse or insult my son, Reuben Ould, a minor, of Ware, on the grounds of his religion, race, age, sex or sexual orientation.

If you fail to comply with this request I shall take all necessary action in English, Californian and United States Federal jurisdictions, and in the Ecclesiastical Province of York of the Church of England under the Canon Law of the Church of England, for both the enacting of the above and the request for necessary ecclesiastical discipline for conduct unbecoming or inappropriate to the office and work of a clerk in Holy Orders, together with any civil claims for reasonable damages and the reclamation of all reasonable costs to the above end, as I see fit.

Further, if you fail to comply with this request I shall not repeat this letter or provide any similar communication before taking the action described above.

Sincerely,

Peter Ould
A little later he then sent this, demanding nobody be shown his earlier correspondence:
Please note that unless you remove my letter of 15:31 GMT 3rd August from your website, I shall take all necessary action in English, Californian and United States Federal jurisdictions, and in the Ecclesiastical Province of York of the Church of England under the Canon Law of the Church of England, for both the enacting of the requests in my previous letter dated 15:31 GMT 3rd August and the request for necessary ecclesiastical discipline for conduct unbecoming or inappropriate to the office and work of a clerk in Holy Orders, together with any civil claims for reasonable damages and the reclamation of all reasonable costs to the above end, as I see fit, regardless of the continuing presence or otherwise of said published illegal material on your website.

Sincerely,

Peter Ould
I especially admire the way little Petie has made threats of action in the jurisdictions of California and the Federal United States: if one knows absolutely nothing about the law as applies in a particular realm making empty and ludicrously self-important threats is always an effective way of convincing oneself that you’re more than the pillock you really are. After all, what possible authority could the First Amendment carry in the face of objections by a non-resident evangelical curate with a very silly beard and an obsessive interest in discussing his sexuality?

Meanwhile in the U.K., where libel laws have long been a much more profitable distraction from engaging in serious thought about why somebody might be ridiculing you, little Petie has bravely ignored the increasing traction being gained by the defense of parody: just because a notorious homosexualist like Elton John failed in his
action against The Guardian
doesn’t mean a famous ‘post-gay’ evangelical can’t succeed. Especially since little Petie’s curate’s stipend will undoubtedly enable him to afford a much more expensive legal team than Mr. John's.

The most important thing everyone needs to understand about all this concerns the expression ‘post-gay’: I’ll admit that even I was a little bewildered by the term until Brother Richthofen explained things. He says that ‘post’ is a British fundamentalist term having the same meaning as ‘pole’, ‘rod’, or ‘wood’ in our part of the world. Or, as Bishop Quinine prefers to call it, ‘the Tower of Power’.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

Saturday, August 1, 2009

Nashotah House supports lay presidency.

During this past week Viagraville has been conducting a not-so-subtle preliminary election campaign for the über-Calvinist Sydney suffragan Bishop Glenn Davies, who is David Short’s strongest rival in the upcoming race to become Supreme Chancellor of Mordor.

First little Matt Kennedy presented a delightfully sycophantic piece, and then a day or two later Dobby Ould followed this up with another exercise in obsequiousness - although in Dobby’s case it’s more understandable, since the Jensen Ring-wraith is also his own Bishop, and given the precarious state of funding in Dobby’s part of the world as a result of little Peter Jensen’s gambling problem it makes a lot of sense for a curate whose income depends upon a diocesan grant to grovel before his paymaster for all he’s worth.

What neither of them mentioned, however, is that Bishop Davies was also responsible for the resolution that led to Sydney giving the Anglican Communion lay presidency. Not that a little detail like that would have stopped Nashotah house from spending their money on some very nice banner advertisements which have been running just above articles praising someone who considers the Eucharist nothing more than a post-it note.

You may think this incongruous, but actually it shows just how generous the folks at Nashotah really are. After all, when little Peter Jensen’s dreams for ACNA are finally fulfilled there certainly won’t be room for a beautiful historic Anglo-Catholic seminary in the world: the word ‘seminary’ will itself be superseded by the evangelically sounder ‘Bible college’. Besides, plans have already been made to erect an impressively modern pesticide factory on the valuable land currently occupied by a few sacerdotalist lecturers and ordinands, and how dare some traditional-but-homophobic Anglicans think they can stand in the way of progress and profits. Especially given that ACNA’s going to be needing every penny they can grab given the way their attempts at stealing church property are panning out.

No, clearly Nashotah House don’t mind who or what their money promotes, just as long as it doesn’t support anyone not prepared to lie about their sexuality, or who is unwilling to spend their life in the back of a closet. Which is only reasonable: there’s hardly any point worrying about the Sacraments when a GAFCON Bishop and his Stand Firm fan-club have already declared them irrelevant.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.