Monday, November 30, 2009

There’s something fishy in Canada, and it’s not salmon.

I’ve always said that Conservative Leaders can learn a great deal from the great Numbers Game operators of my childhood, and while researching recent events in British Columbia it became clear I’m not the only one who feels that way. That’s because during the course of reading back through evidence from little David Short, the Sydney-bred and Jensen-trained show pony in charge of the schism and failed property theft at St John’s Shaughnessy, Vancouver, I’ve discovered enough number shuffling to do a Bernie Madoff prospectus proud.

The play starts back in May of this year, when little David told the court that his congregation’s membership had “totaled 2,000” in the late 90’s, before falling to 1,100 in 2007, and subsequently increasing to 1,500 in 2009. All of which are very different figures to that presented by the Anglican Network in Canada’s November2009 spreadsheet, which claims an attendance of 800.

Now if the last number is correct it means that between a quarter and a fifth of all Bobby Duncan’s Canadian cult members are in just one now property-less church, something which can’t help bring to mind an image of someone attempting to carry most of their eggs in a non-existent basket. If the earlier numbers are correct Bobby’s scenario is even worse – more than two-thirds of his flock might be homeless, which will make fleecing them in order to subsidize his predilections for litigation and travel extremely difficult.

Either way this all makes little David Short look about as trustworthy as the Archbishop of Sydney’s investment strategy. If 800 is the true number someone must have either been telling fibs in court (a practice Canadian law rather unsportingly calls ‘perjury’) or between May and November he’s managed to wipe out over 46% of his congregation – something that even the most godless apostate liberals can’t easily achieve. And at the rate of 700 people leaving every six months Short will by this time next year be the first Schismatic Conservative to boast of a negatively sized congregation.

Yet that isn’t all, since he also told the court that 98% of his congregation voted to leave the Anglican Church of Canada, and that about 200 people had quit St. John’s as a result of the controversy. So if only half of those leaving St. John’s had opposed schism the 2% translates into a figure of 100 votes against – which means a total voting congregation of 5,000. A figure not even David Short has been prepared to throw around while under oath. Either most of those not interested in joining ACNA didn’t vote, or the vote was rigged, or else they didn’t know what they were voting for, or changed their mind afterwards. Or someone’s told more lies. Whichever way it spins, the numbers smell worse than little Peter Jensen’s balance sheet.

I'm Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

Friday, November 27, 2009

Bobby Duncan loses a bit off the top.

Just as you’d expect from someone committed to liberal notions of impartiality and justice, a Canadian Supreme Court Judge spoiled every Bible-Believing Conservative’s Thanksgiving by ruling that property theft is wrong – even when the theft is motivated by a self-righteous calling to stop God’s ludicrous determination to show love and acceptance to everyone, including those a bit “Warden of Walsingham” in their inclinations.

This means that the Canadian franchise of little Bobby Duncan’s sect has indeed been struck a serious blow, since the Court held that four congregations in the Diocese of New Westminster are going to have to do what every new cult does when it comes to finding somewhere to meet – they’re going to have to beg, borrow, buy or hire a hall of their own, since stealing is an option that’s been categorically taken of the menu.

What makes things worse is that these congregations are a serious chunk of the Canadian schismatic population: numbers up north seem fishy even by Conservative standards (more on this in a few days), but doing the sums on the basis of an ANiC document dated November 11 shows the four comprise just over 40% of little Don Harvey’s sucker list. And they’re just the start: if this finding holds water a lot more Northern Schismatics will be scratching around for somewhere to meet before the winter’s over. Eucharistic snow caves anyone?

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

Thursday, November 26, 2009

Happy Thanksgiving!

Since the Pilgrims weren’t Anglicans, and I’m not sure the Bible had even been written in 1621, there can be no denying that Thanksgiving is a fundamentally pagan occasion. Consequently I’ve long considered mounting a campaign calling upon Christians to boycott the day, and probably would have done so if the Jehovah’s Witnesses hadn’t got there first. After all, who wants to let a sect that believes there’s something sinful about eating steak tartare think they’ve beaten me when it comes to taking the sanctimonious high ground?

And in any case, there’s no denying that there’s something really wonderful about gathering over a meal with family and friends in order to give thanks for my wisdom, ministry, and incomparable life of service to the Church. What’s more, thanks to the miracle of the internet I know that all of you, My Dearly Beloved Sinners, are also gathering wherever you may be around the world to give thanks for all that you have learned here during the past year, and I’d like each and every one of you to know that I’m also thinking of you – or at least will be until I’ve eaten and drunk too much and indigestion sets in.

So as well as weeping tears of gratitude for the many ways in which the Lord and I have blessed you, please also spare a moment to give thanks for those of lesser importance in your lives, such as your partners, children, parents, friends, dogs, cats, gerbils (yes Viagravillains – I’m thinking of you too), neighbours, village idiot, and people who use leaf-blowers when you're trying to sleep – not to mention that uncle twice removed who really doesn’t need to adjust himself that often. And everyone else in your lives, because they’re all a part of what makes your world go around. Besides, wouldn’t it get lonely and boring without them?

Happy Thanksgiving!

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

The Chuck Colson Declaration.

When it comes to global climate change, I’m a skeptic. Just because the planet’s heating up doesn’t mean it’s warming. Besides, if God had wanted us to reduce our emissions he wouldn’t have made it so affordable to feed one’s Curate a diet of boiled cabbage and onions.

That’s why I’m so delighted to discover the distinguished history behind the name “Manhattan Declaration”. It turns out that prior to its liberation from the blogspot grasp of a few of my less Orthodox imitators it was a statement produced by a conference altruistically funded by tobacco and oil companies. That’s right, my Dearly Beloved Sinners: the people who correctly taught us that smoking can’t possibly harm a person’s health, and to ignore the fact that oversized SUVs kill more people very year than terrorists ever have, are now right behind the movement to convince the world that global warming is a fiction. So we all know there’s absolutely nothing to worry about…

Mind you, if the involvement of such esteemed corporate citizens as Exxon and W.D. & H.O. Wills isn’t enough to convince you then, how about this - the one and only Mr. Chuck Colson shares these noble companies’ disinterested skepticism! That’s right: the late President Nixon’s hatchet man is equally proud to stand up and be counted when it comes to putting profits before creation. Which is fascinating, because he’s also one of the primary movers behind the faux-Manhattan Declaration – the one purporting to use the name of my other blog in an effort to stop folks from knowing that God foolishly loves and accepts everyone irrespective of what sort of naughty bits they might happen to find exciting.

Now there's no denying that I’ve got a lot of respect for little Chuck Colson. Whereas some famous sinners such mistakenly see repentance as involving a turning away from their old lifestyles and values, he showed all that’s necessary is to find a new niche in the market. Were St. Paul blessed with Chuck’s chutzpah he could have converted and kept hanging out with his fellow shakers and movers in the Pharisees. Or if only John Newton had paid a little more attention to Mr. Colson’s extensive literary works he’d never have imprudently abandoned his flourishing career in the slave trade. By grace little Chuck Colson went from being a mouthpiece living off the public purse while promoting a morally bankrupt ideology to a mouthpiece living off donations while promoting a morally bankrupt ideology. What a miracle!

And then there’s his masterstroke: while claiming to minister to prisoners (and actively soliciting for money to fund this apparently laudable aim) he simultaneously and unashamedly supports social strategies which have been proven to exacerbate crime and increase the prison population - thereby increasing the apparent need for his services!!! Honestly the man’s a genius. But that he’s then able to get away with claiming two people who want to commit to each other in marriage represent one of the greatest threats society has ever faced just proves Henry Louis Mencken’s famous aphorism.

I'm Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

Monday, November 23, 2009

Roseann Allen-Matthews


I’ve completely broken character here only once before, so you’ll all have to please excuse me if this sounds awkward. But Roseann has died, and right now I’m just not up to channeling the dreadful Reverend Dr. Troll.

Not many people know this, but I have another blog, an obscure and now neglected site at which I rediscovered a voice I’d thought lost. Roseann was one of the first people to comment there, and it was through the encouragement of her and people like her that I was able to keep writing.

Much later the idea of this place came upon me from nowhere (although the less attractive aspects of Fr. Christian’s personality are based almost entirely upon several men under whom I had the dubious experience of serving), and Roseann got the joke immediately. Sure, there were times when I think she may have felt things went too far (I sometimes worry things here go too far), but she had a way of steering it all back on track which only ever left me feeling more determined than ever to not just believe in peace, but to be peace – with all the crazy, anarchic, and infinitely loving madness that involves.

For me being a Christian involves admitting I don’t have all the answers; to cease pretending I can see with any more clarity than through the darkest of glasses. That’s where Roseann has left us all behind: on her side of the river she sees in a way we cannot even begin to imagine. Of one thing I am certain, that one day we shall all see each other as God sees us. And on that day Roseann shall be laughing in our midst.

Till then we can’t help but shed a tear, despite it probably being the last thing she’d want us to do. That’s life, and that’s the person Roseann is. When we finally meet again I’m sure she won’t hold it against any of us – I for one am going to have a ball laughing with her over all the things I wanted to post here but was too chicken. And she… she’s going to be Roseann. Which just one more reason why that day will be so wonderful.

Sunday, November 22, 2009

The Manhattan Something-or-other.

The usual suspects are all buzzing with excitement (well the noise is either excitement or Peter Ould has finally worked up the courage to buy a “special” device on ebay) about The Manhattan Declaration, which is the latest definitive statement on what Conservative Christians must believe.

Superseding all previous definitive declarations of Biblical Christianity, including those found in the Gospels, this document sets out everything Conservatives from a whole range of traditions have in common, with the exception, of course, of one minor detail: deep down each of them believes the others heretical and thus damned in perpetuity. Not that a little thing like that need ever get in the way of the really important aspects of ministry, like hating people who simply want to live and love as God made them, or controlling women’s reproductive organs.

There is, however, one other thing which I must explain in response to the thousands of Sinners who’ve been distraught to see I’m not one of the declaration’s original signatories. My absence is purely as a result of slight misunderstanding: when Metropolitan Jonah asked me to join the gang I thought he was talking about The Manhattan Project (he does have quite a strong accent), and naturally hung up on him.

That’s because when I was a younger man I was quite heavily involved with Bobby Oppenheimer and the people behind the bomb, only falling out when they stopped me using our findings to develop a means of dealing with Baptists once and for all. It’s a little known fact that I’d previously helped Albert Einstein discover the special theory of relativity, although I held that E stood for Evangelism, which was directly related to M ( Money) multiplied by C for Christian Troll, and that business about being square was just Bert’s idea of a joke he then took much too far. So naturally I wasn’t interested in going down that path again, and anyway, since the end of the Cold War there’s nobody to whom I could sell our research secrets.

Now everything’s been explained properly by someone who's only canonically foreign I’m 100% behind this innovative new repetition of the last innovation in hating people like folks did in the good old days. To show my support I’ve even accepted responsibility for promoting things in the blogosphere, and I’m sure little Martyn Minns and all the other schismatics involved will be delighted to learn I’ve already got the ball rolling at http://manhattandeclaration.blogspot.com.

After all, they’ve been so enthusiastic about using my acronym “GAFCON” there’s no doubt they’ll be just as proud to see what the future holds for The Manhattan Declaration. Goodness knows it’s got to be less turgid than their self-righteous tome.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

The Very Rev. James M. Jensen


“And what will we find? We'll find that any questions and doubts will fade away, as we meet God face to face. Which is simply to say that when things fall apart and time runs out, God's love remains and God's eternity breaks in. The word to us is wake up and live; watch and pray! Jesus Christ is truly the Living End -- the One in whom there is a new Heaven and a new Earth, a City of God, where we will at last be home, safe and sound, forever."
Fr. Jim

Let our thoughts, prayers, and love be with Klady and all who today are mourning. Together we weep, but only for a time; for we have been well taught that one day even grief shall be no more.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Arise, Dirty George Conger.

Well it took little George Conger less than 24 hours to crumble before the tide of liberal pressure brought on by his courageous move to illustrate the truth concerning lesbianism as every creepy old man, every sweaty-palmed post-adolescent fundamentalist, and every GAFCON-believing homophobe knows it to be. Or at least likes to imagine it to be in those special moments they pray very hard to be delivered from, and even harder that nobody will ever find out about.

That’s right, the hot ‘n’ sweaty picture he posted yesterday at Religious Intelligence has already been replaced by an image of a rainbow flag flying strong in the breeze, which Brother Richthofen and his friends from seminary say is more symbolic than folks at the incongruently named Religious Intelligence will ever understand.

Still, Canon Conger (say that out aloud: does it sound more like a 1940’s dance or a 1960’s brand of cheap bubble-gum?) should rest assured that his innovative masterpiece has been preserved, both as the jpeg here yesterday, and in entirety as a high resolution pdf stored under high-security on the St. Onuphrius’ servers. So there’s absolutely no need for concern that anyone might forget the original; rest assured my dear pseudo-journalist (I know you visit here from time to time, so there’s no need to be shy), we’ll keep the memory of your work alive.

What’s more, to mark this significant new milestone in Conservative Blogging I’ve decided, by the powers vested in me as the self-appointed arbiter of all that is Doctrinally Sound, to bestow upon Canon Conger a new honorific. This shall henceforth be used by all Dearly Beloved Sinners whenever referring to our favorite Orthodox Pornographer, who is to be afforded all the respect a man of his acumen deserves. Truly, truly I say unto you all: no longer shall he be “little” – from this day on the man will be known as Dirty George Conger.

I’m Father Christian, and I teach the Bible.

Monday, November 16, 2009

George Conger's Gift to Masturbaters.

Thanks to little George Conger and his publicists at “Religious Intelligence” Christians all around the world with Covenant Eyes installed on their computers are enthusiastically whacking away. Students at fine institutions like Patrick Henry College and Sydney’s Moore Theological College won’t be coming out of their rooms for days, and “Accountability Partners” will all be mystified as to why their charges have spent hours studying what appears to be a straightforward story about a judicial bureaucrat ruling children are better off being raised in cold and heartless institutions than in warm and loving family homes overseen by caring couples who happen to have similarly shaped smelly bits.

Little will the “Accountability Partners” realize George’s article has been thoughtfully illustrated with the kind of picture that heterosexual-but-dysfunctional Bible-believing men all know accurately depicts the depravity into which young women immediately plummet if left unattended after being in any way exposed to the lesbian lifestyle and/or its practitioners. You can see the original for yourselves here, but you'd better click quickly, since I doubt the Religious Intelligence will be able to cope with the increased bandwidth. Consequently I have for posterity's sake reproduced the relevant portion of Rev. Conger’s article:


After all, I’m sure it’ll only be a matter of time before some apostate liberal tries to suppress this article (which I swear I have not photoshopped!) on account of it revealing the truth about what happens when instead of marrying off their daughters to much older and wiser Biblical Christians, who then compel their legitimately purchased young brides to produce hordes of home-schooled progeny, parents permit girls to receive an education.

Mark my words: when you start with little things, like teaching a young woman to read, it’s only a matter of time before she’ll doubt the veracity of such Biblical truths as the fact that all the world’s linguistic differences resulted from God getting annoyed by few hubristic Babylonian property developers (Nobody likes having their view built out). Then the next thing you know she and her friends are leaning against pastel-colored walls in micro-skirts and feeling each other’s breast implants. Or at least that’s what most of George Conger’s followers hope will happen.

This all raises some serious questions. Like where did George steal this picture from, and is it part of a series? Can he give his assurance he was only viewing that site for research purposes? Or the most important question of all: what sort of Google traffic was he hoping to attract with the headline “Court blow for homosexuals”? And how can Bishop Quinine be prevented from taking this literally next time he’s ordered to make an appearance?

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

Sunday, November 15, 2009

Have I told you lately that I love you?

As everyone knows, ANiC is an rare Inuit dialect word meaning “unpatriotic cowards to afraid to start a schism of their own”, and northern members of little Bobby Duncan’s new sect have just concluded their 2009 synod.

Naturally Faux-Cardinal Don Harvey begged me to attend and present an inspirational message of Doctrinal Orthodoxy to the cheerful throng, but unfortunately the event coincided with the three days I had to stay home and wash my hair. After much prayerful consideration, and a vision from the Holy Spirit involving Mounties, lumberjacks, and a hot tub full of hockey jocks, Brother Richthofen and his friends from seminary felt called to go on my behalf.

Here’s a photo they took of a particularly sensitive moment between Canada’s most important Christian and his United States suzerain: as soon as the boys stop making whoo-hoo noises I expect they’ll have more to report…

Friday, November 13, 2009

Anglican Mainstream get Biblical.


A little Anglican Mainstream scriptural exposition:

“But we clearly do not have an account of Jesus going to places specially designated as formal places of obvious sin.”
Bill Muehlenberg, Anglican Mainstream
Which is absolutely correct. Everyone knows Levi the Tax Collector’s house was really the local headquarters of the Galilean Christians for Public Decency League. That's why the Pharisees were so pleased to see Jesus inside, and how they immediately recognized him as one of their own.

I'm Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

Earth calling David Virtue... Come in Mr. Virtue...

Some unkind commentators have used words like “failed property thief” to describe little Don Armstrong. Elsewhere he’s known as Colorado Spring’s most multi-faced progeny since Lon Chaney, while to others he’s simply “the defendant” or “the accused”. However on little David Virtue’s planet Don Armstrong enjoys a rather more salubrious reputation: there he’s “a faithful godly, gospel-preaching pastor”.

Since he was capable of saying that with a straight face I suppose I really shouldn’t have been startled to see Virtue publish the following, but I was...

“I can't imagine his (Bishop Robert O’Neill, Dio. of Colorado) use of trust funds meant for ministry isn't a legal problem itself.”
Donald Armstrong – alleged trust funder user extraordinaire
Who do you all think more epitomizes the spirit of GAFCON – Virtue for posting this, or Armstrong for saying it? And what's the point of trying to make humorous stuff up when folks are coming out with material like this for real?

I’m Father Christian, and not even I can believe these guys…

Monday, November 9, 2009

A bold witness to lift our faith..

I must confess, Dearly Beloved Sinners, that the news of Obama’s health reforms being passed by the House has hurt me deeply. Sure there’s still the very real hope of things not getting through the Senate, but it’s the principle of universal health care that troubles me so. It’s the idea of the great and proud nation that was once America becoming a place where less affluent citizens are not made to suffer needlessly as a result of their inability to afford the kind of health care people in most other countries take for granted which keeps causing my righteous old eyes to brim with tears.

Don’t people realise how important it is to preserve god-given barbaric inequalities? Don’t they even care about the compassionate medical insurance companies’ right to squeeze huge profits out of others’ suffering – albeit with the help of hefty tax subsidies? Don’t they see that making people incapable of paying a decent tithe endure sub-standard treatment and needless agony needs to be at the heart of a Christian nation’s values?

At times of grief such as these I often find comfort in meditating upon the inspirational words and actions of other Bible Believers, and in this instance my mind has been cast back to last May, when, like me, a sweet and honest beauty queen dared to bear witness before a false and deceitful world.

That’s right, who better to contemplate when it seems like there is no truth left in the world than Carrie Prejean; and there’s no shortage of fine Conservative bloggers who help brighten the darkness by recalling her example. Take “PastorBlaster” at ”I Smiteth Thee With the Holy Rock of Truth” (how could I ever have overlooked a blog name that catchy in favor of “GAFCON”???), who reminds us of the “fine outstanding young person who willingly stood tall in a situation where she knew she would be vilified by a liberal media”, who “grew up in an evangelical Christian home in Vista, California and is currently a senior at San Diego Christian College, a small, evangelical liberal arts college located in El Cajon, California”, and who “attends The Rock Church, where she volunteers with their outreach ministries such as Luv-em-Up Ministries in El Cajon, where she volunteers with members with developmental disabilities.

Or the wonderful show of strength from the gang at Jesus is Lord: A Worshipping Christian’s Blog (another great name!) who so clearly spoke in the Spirit when they said “After the initial fire is past, she will be hugely rewarded by our almighty God! I have a feeling she will be a huge spokesperson in the name of Jesus! Hallelujah!!” – a prophesy confirmed by Christian Girl Advice WeUsed2BU (I swear I’m not making any of these up), who quite correctly say “Carrie and her testimony are like the kingdom she represents—a priceless pearl.

Honestly, nothing lifts a saddened spirit as thoroughly as being reminded of this woman’s sincere faith. There’s certainly no doubt regarding how blessed the developmentally delayed clients of Luv-em-up Ministries are, and just thinking about her example should make us all feel almost as blessed ourselves. But now you’ll have to excuse me: Bishop Quinine is calling me to go over to his desk and see some pictures and a video he’s just downloaded...

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

Saturday, November 7, 2009

A people in rebellion against God.

Christians, even those of us who are infallible Doctrinal Warriors, must always remain open to the possibility of God leading us in new directions, and calling us to face new challenges. Growing in Christian maturity never ceases to bring he possibility of new insights and deeper understanding into the mysteries of our faith.

Which is why I’m not ashamed to admit, my Dearly Beloved Sinners, that I’ve recently been brought by the Spirit to a new conviction concerning a group of people I’ve always considered the Bible as condemning on account of their perverse lifestyle.

These are people who, despite the manifest sinfulness of their chosen way of living, persist in maintaining they “were born that way” - irrespective of the fact that plain common sense, not to mention the entire canon of church tradition (in so far as it refers to such people at all) makes it clear that that they have in fact surrendered themselves willingly to defilement, choosing to become an abomination in the sight of God's self-appointed spokesmen.

Yet without seeking to mitigate their shame and wickedness, I have now seen that just as Rahab proved herself faithful despite being a filthy evil-encrusted denizen of Jericho, there are also - purely by God’s grace – men and women among this group whom I once believed damned perverts who are – I know you’ll find this challenging to hear - actually Christians!

By now I’ve no doubt even the most Biblically Illiterate Episcopalians among you will have realized that the people of whom I have been talking are Ugandans. After all, Natural Order (thanks Bishop Lawrence) proves them utterly steeped in sin. What’s more it’s an indisputable Biblical fact that the Scriptures never so much as once mention Ugandans in a positive light. Nor did Jesus, or God’s son, the Apostle Paul, ever suggest the possibility of someone being both Christian and Ugandan. Besides, if God had wanted people to be Ugandan he would have created Adam and Orombi, not Adam and Eve.

Because St. Onuphrius’ is a caring congregation with a profound sense of mission we have over the years done much to minister to sinners ensared by the Ugandan lifestyle. To those who might claim being Ugandan is a matter of birth and development, or genetics, I would simply draw attention to the men and women who’ve come through our program and whom have now put the shame of their time in the Ugandan deception behind them. Some, for example, now by God’s grace describe themselves as Norwegian, or Latvian, and I personally know of at least one ex-Ugandan now living happily as an Esquimaux.

Which is not to say they don’t still face difficulties. The repentant Norwegians have yet to obtain passports, and since moving to Florida the Esquimaux has experienced terrible difficulties keeping his igloo from melting. Yet challenges like these are part of what it means to be a Christian, or at least they are for those whom GAFCON leaders like myself have successfully burdened with a hefty layer of extra-Biblical guilt. Sure, we’ve witnessed setbacks and failures in those to whom we minister (to be perfectly honest not a single Ugandan has ever experienced lasting reorientation), which is why we prefer not to submit our program to independent evaluation, but against this must considered the fact that we’ve been able to wring a fortune in donations from people who through issues of their own want to support the ministry.

Yet, like St. Peter learning it’s ok to enjoy a little sweet-and-sour pork with gentiles, the Lord recently convicted me to acknowledge what I once believed impossible: a Ugandan blessed with the Spirit and perception of Our Lord. Read his words for yourself and I’ve no doubt that you’ll understand this change in my position. Hopefully it will inspire you to reconsider your own attitude towards those whom you were once certain Scripture declared entirely beyond the reach of salvation. You might even – as I have been called to do – find it in your heart to remember this man and other Ugandans like him in your prayers. Lord knows they need all the help they can get.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

My Old Testament Guest List

Bible Gateway recently invited people to name the 20 Old Testament figures they'd most like to invite around for a dinner party. Since the site appears to be run by notorious liberals it's hardly surprising my list was ignored, so out of the pastoral concern I'm sharing it with everyone here:

1) Abraham: I love a barbecue, and he can always be relied upon to bring at least some sort of meat.

2) Balaam’s Ass: a talking donkey is even more impressive than hiring a jumping castle.

3) Elijah: when he’s around there’s never any problem getting the barbecue alight.

4) Goliath: just in case the young folk start texting each other that there’s a party on at Father Christian’s it’s always prudent to have a bouncer at the door. Besides, it’s not as if he’ll fall a second time for the stone-in-a-slingshot routine.

5) Lot’s Wife: nothing keeps a Doctrinal Warrior’s blood pressure thumpingly high like a little salt on his steak. If only she had a relative who was turned into ketchup…

6) Elisha: how can you not like a man who really knew how to handle teenagers?

7) Bathsheba: I’ve always had a thing about women bathing in public.

8 - 9) David & Jonathan: goodness knows the boys didn’t get invited out as a couple very often, and it’s the least I can do to show them both a little respect.

10) Samson: we’ve got some heavy furniture that needs moving and his help would come in handy.

11) Noah: he and Bishop Quinine have a lot in common.

12 - 15) Rahab, Gomer, Oholah, and her sister Oholibah: it’s my party, and they’re in the Bible. Ok? Besides, my interest in meeting them all is purely academic.

16-18) Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego: just in case the fire gets out of hand.

19) Joshua: perhaps he could be persuaded to march around the Baptist church up the road until it crumbles like the walls of Jericho.

20) Jacob: I’ve never been too sure about what he actually put in his mess of potage, but it’s always sounded like it’d make a great end to a big night, and it's more Scriptural than pizza, kebabs or curry.

I'm Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

Sunday, November 1, 2009

Reformation Sunday

Of all the special days on the Church’s calendar, Reformation Sunday is my favorite. That’s not just because you aren’t expected to buy other people presents or chocolate, but also because it’s when we remember those men of the 16th century who by their faithfulness won for us the right to hate Roman Catholics in perpetuity.

Indeed, were it not for men like Luther, Cranmer, Knox and Calvin, whose lives were in every way unblemished by sin, as well as other less important foreigners, sectarianism wouldn’t be half as much fun as it is today; the only people upon whom Biblical Christians could legitimately vent their feelings of insecurity would be Knights Templar. And we all know how rarely one of them is handy when you’re irritated.

Nor is popular hatred of Romans the Reformers’ only legacy: by placing theology in the hands of villagers with pitchforks the great witch persecutions of the 17th century were made possible, and by ending the Roman monopoly on abusive religion the foundations were laid for such greats as Joel Osteen and Oral Roberts, or that Canadian fellow whose specialty was kicking people in the head – and no, I don’t mean little David Short.

What’s more, the great Reformers provide the perfect role model for today’s young people. Take Knox, for example, who at the age of 50 married a 17 year old girl. Or Luther, a man so tolerant that his lesser known writings uncannily prefigure those of a later German nationalist. While in denouncing Servetus to the French Inquisition, Calvin established the glorious GAFCON principle of siding with those whom we hate in order to get rid of those we hate even more.

The greatest lesson of all however, that we gain from studying our Reformed predecessors is that valid theological development ceased after 1600. Unless you happen to be one of my Forward in Faith friends, in which case there was also a little window opened in the mid 19th century – a view with which Cranmer mightn’t have agreed, but then again he didn’t desperately need their money to keep Bobby Duncan in the lifestyle to which he feels entitled.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.