Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Stupidest David Ould Quote. Ever.

Just when you thought you’d heard it all…

What goes on in our bedrooms while private is also a public matter.
David Ould 
St. Augustine’s Anglican Church 
Neutral Bay, Sydney Australia.
Contrary to what they might say on the type of web sites Deacon Dobby seems to have been spending waaaayyy too much time researching when he thinks nobody’s watching, providing what occurs in a person’s bedroom is between consenting adults and doesn’t result in death or injury then the law of pretty much every country with a name not ending in “stan” says it is private. And while he’ll no doubt be shocked to hear this, when Queen Elizabeth declared she had “no desire to make windows into men's souls” she didn’t follow it up by ordering clergy to make peepholes into each other’s bedrooms. Even if that is a thought Dobby clearly finds exciting.

Or as the brave friend who drew this to my attention said: “I DEMAND to see new videos from the nose-picking Neutral Bay deacon in the nude.” Which would be a truly frightening challenge if there wasn't absolutely no chance of the nasty little Pharisee ever actually doing himself what he demands of others. Which also reminds me: I wonder if the education of which he is inordinately proud included enough history to gain an understanding of how the Anglican Evangelicals of a century ago viewed clergy who married Chinese women? Because the expression I seem to recall hearing when I was a young man was "the sin of miscegenation", and I don't believe those using it did so in the context of praising the beauty of mixed-race children. Nor do I remember them ever stopping to think that instead of being directly countenanced by the Scriptures as they claimed, their loathsome racism was in fact merely the product of a culturally blended cocktail comprising equal parts ignorance, arrogance, fear, and stupidity.

I’m Father Christian and anyone who wants to see what goes on in my bedroom must be over eighteen and have a valid credit card.

Monday, February 13, 2012

Jesus Loves a Little Blackmail*

What would Jesus do? Everything published by Zondervan not withstanding, sometimes that’s not always the best question to ask when confronted by a situation for which the Bible's answers aren't satsifying. Such as, for example, when one is mocked and ridiculed on account of one’s self-proclaimed Pharisaic righteousness.

That’s because Our Substitutionary Atonement’s general instructions regarding such circumstances – turn the other cheek and bless the perpetrators – are, to be perfectly honest, downright effeminate. Not to mention that “turn the other cheek” can be easily misconstrued so as to cause weaker brethren like Peter Ould to stumble in ways he’d normally restrict to the comments field of his own blog. Consequently my response has always been to get legal. As I taught little L. Ron Hubbard and his suckers Sea-Org: throw enough money around and there’s few people a lawyer with a cocaine problem won’t harass on your behalf. However I am now delighted to announce that one of my favorite “anonymous” admirers has developed a whole new strategy. One which I dare say he calls “clever”, although most jurisdictions deem it “blackmail”.

But first a little background. Beloved Sinners might recall that about a fortnight ago an immature young man laboring under the foolish delusion that his identity is unknown to me left a comment on this important homily, in which he made a number of false allegations about a regular reader before then publishing their home address. In response I made the commenter a profoundly generous offer: give me permission to publish his personal details, and I’d in return permit him to indulge his habitual dishonesty. Sadly the ungrateful wretch failed to respond, leading us all to conclude that permitting others to do unto to him as he does unto them doesn’t figure highly in the boy’s soteriology. Bishop Quinine urged me to publish the pathetic imp’s details anyway, insisting “all your Beloved Sinners are longing to call him up in the middle of the night and shoot the breeze - or maybe to breeze his shoot”, but I refused: as a Christian I’m unable to sink to the same depths as our "anonymous" correspondent. 

Then the person with whom he-who-will-not-yet-be-named is obsessed received the following:

Good Morning [NAME REDACTED],
Over the past few weeks, in comments across several blogs that you comment on, you were warned that your continuing behaviour of abusive and insulting comments would have consequences. Since then you have continued your behaviour, as though this was an idle threat. It is not. You have left us with no recourse but to now act to correct your behaviour. 
You now have until Noon Sunday, February 12 2012, to publish a full and unequivocal public apology for your behaviour over the past few years. You will email us to this account the location where this apology may be found. 
• If after posting this apology you make any further blog posting or comment of a derogatory or insulting nature, we will judge that your apology was not made in good faith and will act as though it had not been made. There is NO TIME LIMIT on the exercising of this judgement. 
• If after posting this apology the apology then disappears off the internet, we will judge that the apology was not made. There is NO TIME LIMIT on the exercising of this judgement. 
If you fail to make this apology we will provide to every single member of the Deanery that you currently reside in the full documentary evidence of your placing on the Archbishops' List for admitting Conduct Unbecoming a Clerk in Holy Orders. If you then persist in such behaviour we will widen the scope of those parties deliberately informed of your behaviour. 
Furthermore, at the same time we will make publicly available for anyone to see the full details of your confession of the writing of highly offensive racist and sexist material and we will seek to propagate it as widely as possible on the internet. 
There will be no further warning from us in this matter.   
We will not enter into correspondence on this matter. 
The time and date of the sending of this email is 05:55 Eastern Standard Time, 11 February 2012 and the deadline referred to above is at 12:00 Eastern Standard Time 12 February 2012.
This charming epistle was sent via Gmail, so obtaining header information and originating IP address isn’t as straightforward as it might be (clearly the sender isn’t quite as stupid as his beady-eyed picture suggests), but rest assured the matter has been placed in the hands of all relevant authorities. Meanwhile those less familiar with criminal proceedings than myself, and whom as a consequence fail to appreciate the seriousness of our lurker’s strategy, should consider this advice from a helpful legal site:
Blackmail, in contrast to extortion, is when the offender threatens to reveal information about a victim or his family members that is potentially embarrassing, socially damaging, or incriminating unless a demand for money, property, or services is met. Even if the information is true or actually incriminating you can still be charged with blackmail if you threaten to reveal it unless the victim meets your demand.
While this source speaks from within a primarily Californian context, the law at this point is very much the same regardless of where in the world one may be committing the crime, and providing you’re not in a judiciary which considers expressing love for a person of one’s own gender more heinous than hacking children with machetes (which the threat's author isn’t), the penalty is also similar: “Under California law, extortion or blackmail are graded as felonies and are punishable by up to four years in prison and a maximum fine of $10,000.

 … which just goes to show how much a very arrogant young man is prepared to risk in order to unsuccessfully stop us guffawing at a former curate and his twin.

***

And now, and utterly apropos of nothing (perhaps) I’d like to lift everyone’s mood by dedicating a special song to David Ould (I’ve used your real name, Dobby, to help those searching on Google find you more readily.) When you’ve finished listening you might like to share the sentiment with a couple of your Jensenist uplines. Like you Dobby, they won’t realize on account of their obvious unfamiliarity with the Gospels, but I believe the lyrics are based on something Jesus said


We’re all Father Christian, and the Light of God laughs with us in their faces.


*To be sung to the tune of "Jesus loves the little children".

Thursday, February 9, 2012

An Ex-Gay Man's Man (Haydn Sennitt takes the Liberty).

For a young Biblical Christian intent upon gaining the approbation of his fellow Conservatives without the nuisance of obtaining recognized qualifications in theology, medicine, or psychology, there really isn’t anything that matches the lucrative field of homosexualist straightening. Especially now that godless socialists at the FDA have stopped the sale of homeopathic influenza cures, and transplanting hair without a license can earn serious time in a place where the only fashion statement involves orange overalls and DIY tattoos.

Mind you, when it comes to being internationally recognized as a man’s man in the imaginative world of homosexualist reparation therapy (that’s the technical term experts like myself use for the process in which young men who enjoy musicals and value their privacy are forced to feign an interest in poontang) not everyone waiting at the checkout has what it takes in their basket. One only has to look at the recent Anglican Mainstream debacle (less than 30 paying participants: that wouldn’t have even raised enough to cover Lisa Nolland’s internet “research” subscriptions – never mind buying the ex-gay speakers flowers and some nice cologne) to realize it takes more than just a stained copy of Leviticus to make a mark at the big end of the queer-curing scene.

Which is why I have in the past weeks become such an admirer of a young man to whom I was introduced through a blog from the heart of Mordor - the incomparable Haydn Sennitt. Nor, might I add, am I the only one here at St. Onuphrius’ to be so enamored, both Bishop Quinine and a number of Brother Richthofen’s Friends from Seminary share my fascination – although I still can’t quite understand why they keep printing out copies of the boy’s rugged manly visage “for the purposes of personal private study”.

Consequently I have, as a generous blessing to both members of My Ministry Team and the global multitude of Sinners regularly following My Word, undertaken further research on the only Christian I’ve ever encountered who regularly uses the term “faux-brothers” when speaking of fellow believers. (Read his first paragraph here for a wonderful example - that's an insult which even I have never thought of flinging around.) And what I’ve found shows little Haydn to be an absolutely remarkable boy. Even by the comfortingly nasty standards of his vocation as an unqualified psycho-sexual “pastoral worker” with an organization audacious enough to call itself “Liberty” while specializing in burdening men (and presumably also women, although like most such “ministries” anyone without a penis who isn't a “proof I’m straight” trophy wife rarely rates a mention) with soul-crushing guilt and self-loathing.

Not that undertaking this research has been an easy. The boy’s got more internet personas and closed blogs than a middle-aged Cub Scout master - the kind who lives with his parents and claims communal showers are the most health-giving aspect of camping. Add to this a practice of routinely deleting/editing any ejaculations which subsequent to their emission cast a less than evangelically-glorious light, and nailing down the real Haydn Sennitt becomes more than simply a question of dialling a number on the parish toilet wall. Fortunately, however, it’s been beyond his power to remove the wealth of material quoted on other people’s blogs, and it’s largely through these gems that we’re blessed with a truly inspiring insight into type of person who feels called to make a career out of claiming that people whom God has created, redeemed, and loves, will suffer eternal hellfire should they dare to live as God made them.

The first such jewel comes from Haydn’s now firewalled blog http://giraffepen.blogspot.com - no: I’d also prefer not to speculate upon the significance of the moniker “Giraffe Pen”, but you can trust it’s really him alright. Sourced here, it’s a post on an expat Korean forum discussing another of our boy’s unique evangelistic efforts - be warned that he induces some strong language in those he’s thoughtfully rebuking back to righteousness.

"I'm now on my honeymoon- in Korea, on Jeju island. This has had to be one of the most bizarre stories:
a) on Saturday, March 10 2007 at 4pm, I was married to Ji Hyun Sennitt in a Sydney Anglican church, followed by a reception at a golf course. The ceremony and the reception were absolutely terrific- praise God that the day was good!;
b) we went to the Vibe hotel in Milson's Point, where we stayed for 2 nights. On the second night Ji Hyun's heart stopped when she slept with her chest uncovered in a freezing cold bedroom. She had an encounter with 'the other side' of death (I've never been more terrified in my life than that moment when I thought I was going to lose Ji Hyun). I managed to restart her heart and keep warm for the night, but scary it was."
Yes My Sinners, you did read that correctly! According to Haydn (who would never lie or exaggerate), his second-ever night of conjugal hetero bliss involved Mrs. Sennitt’s exposed mammaries chilling to the point of inducing cardiac arrest. Whereupon our hero – whose obviously done more whilst watching Baywatch than just ogling David Hasselhoff – resuscitated his freshly demised bride and then, rather than calling 911 so paramedics could race her to the nearest intensive cardiac care unit, expertly treated her alarmingly acute myocardial infarction by “keeping her warm for the night”. What a guy! Obviously it is purely due to reasons of personal modesty that Haydn no longer lets the public read his original account of breathtaking medical chivalry.

Yet that’s by no means the only fascinating window Mordor’s fresh-faced ambassador for heterofascism. The next is from May 2009, just over two years after our proof of effective reorientation saved his spouse from fatal thermo-mammarial coronary disease. This time the quotes are taken from the blog of a tragic young man convinced that by publically recounting the minutia of his sexual urges (including a daily masturbation update - TMI is most definitely not a term he understands) God will respond by exchanging an interest in men’s bits for the kind of sexuality George Rekers is probably still purporting to enjoy. The exchange is here, but given Haydn’s determination to remove anything incompatible with his persona du jour I’ve taken the precaution of preserving the screenshots below:



Many of My Beloved Sinners might not be aware that during the Korean War I served in a missionary capacity, conducting top-secret negotiations on behalf of western armament manufacturers. As a Biblical Christian and Patriot I’m proud to say that it was purely due to my faithfulness that the godless communists weren’t the only ones to make a fortune by supplying weapons to the North. During the long sleepless, prayer-filled nights of ’50-’53 I was called to gain intimate knowledge of a little Korean, much of which occurred in one of the relaxing locations to which the indirect object of Haydn’s proposition - 찜질방 - refers. Transliterated as “Jjimjilbang”, those unable to deduce the meaning via onomatopoeic contemplation will be interested to learn it refers to the public bathhouses popular in the land of Mrs. Sennitt’s birth. Not, of course, that a newly-minted hetero could share the steam with his genitally-appropriate helpmate - even if he so desired. Jjimjilbang are strictly segregated, and as Haydn is well aware, during the course of a visit only those possessed of a penis are permitted to give other such endowed bathers a refreshing suds up and scrub down.

All of which, of course, implies absolutely nothing with respect to young Mr.Sennitt and his intentions. In fact it’s quite possible that expressing a longing to visit men's steambaths is common practice among the staff of Jensenist para-church “ministries”: for all we know sharing the urge to get “man-to-man” in such contexts is an actively-encouraged aspect of Mordor church culture, and plays no part in evaluating the efficacy of an individual’s reorientation. Perhaps Dobby Ould or one of the other “anonymous” propagandists from the diocese Christianity forgot regularly visiting could enlighten us?

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.



Afterword
Forgive me if now breaking character detracts from this post: it’s not something I’ve done before. But in the course of writing this I discovered more “ex-gay” blogs than I’d ever dreamed possible, and the depth of despair, self-loathing, guilt, shame, and desperation therein was utterly heartbreaking. And wrong. 


Very, very wrong.


Feeling sexually attracted to people of your own gender isn’t any more a sin than feeling attracted to people of a different gender. Some of us find our longings run more in one direction, and some of us yearn in another; just as some of us have curly dark hair and others straight blonde - not to mention a whole lot variations in between! It's all part of being human, part of the wonderful experience of being made from the same stuff as Jesus. Despite what some (often very dishonest) Christians claim, being gay, or lesbian, or transgendered, or anywhere in between, doesn’t mean you can’t follow Christ without pretending to be someone you’re not. Nor does God hate your sexuality, and "biblical" arguments to the contrary are exactly the same as those once used to justify obscenities like slavery, as well as idiocies like the idea women shouldn’t vote, drive cars, or operate office typewriters (yep – people really did once use the bible to justify that last one).


If you’ve somehow wandered here from the type of places that want you to believe God doesn’t love you as you are, and you find the idea of walking away from self-hatred and guilt frightening, then – please – remember you’re not alone. A lot of people have been along that path before you, and their journeys are proof that you too can find life and the light of Christ on the other side of “ex-gay” judgmental bitterness.


Anyone wanting support along the way in North America should try contacting Integrity; those in Great Britain can get in touch with the wonderful team at Changing Attitude. And since fist posting this I've been informed Australians now have their own Changing Attitude Australia, as well as the wonderful www.freedom2b.org. Or you’re always welcome to email me and I’ll do my best to confidentially find the details of someone in your region. Just please don’t ever buy into the lie that the Pharisees speak for God.
They don’t, and the love for you God revealed in Jesus is proof.
‘Fr. C.