Tuesday, March 8, 2011

When the people of Christchurch have friends like this...

By now even those of you relying on Fox News to keep informed will be aware that Christchurch New Zealand was recently struck by a terrible earthquake. Hundreds have been killed or injured hundreds, and thousands of families left homeless. Indeed; among those affected by this tragedy have been a number of My Beloved Sinners, whom will no doubt be greatly comforted to know that I been personally praying for them through this time.

Obviously word of my incredibly generous and pastoral response has travelled, because in response little Peter Jensen, Lord of Mordor and Archbishop of Sydney, issued a press release announcing that he would also be praying. This was in turn sent to me by no fewer than three Beloved Sinners, all of whom were amazed by the penultimate paragraph:
The special relationship forged in conflict while facing common enemies means that our hearts go out to the citizens of Christchurch and that we have a special reason to pray for them.
Naturally I consider it entirely appropriate that in a time of grief such as this a Christian Leader should speak of “conflict” and “enemies”. What better an occasion is there to remember hatred and division than when people are mourning, and their lives devastated? Yet it can't be denied that I was also disappointed little Peter failed to be more explicit. Having never made any secret of his ambition to export the unique permutation of Gnostic Puritanism he so quaintly calls “authentic Anglicanism” (a boast his Forward in Faith allies-of-convenience must love hearing) to neighbouring dioceses, his sudden coyness in this regard is curious: who exactly are the “enemies” of which the GAFCON Committee’s favourite faux-primate speaks? Female Clergy? Homosexualists? Women daring to read the Bible aloud in the presence of men?

Aware that My Beloved Sinners deserve an explanation, the St. Onuphrius’ Ministry Team decided to call the contact at the bottom of the release: Russell Powell – the “Archbishop’s Senior Media Adviser”. Sadly upon his answering it became immediately clear that little Peter’s serfs are not used to their master’s press releases being taken seriously. Nor – if the very drowsy voice on the other end of the line was any indication – is the Senior Media Adviser’s workload such as to oblige him to get out of bed in the morning. In fact the poor man sounded so sleepy that I initially feared Bishop Quinine was mistaken in his insistence that the time in Australia was currently half past eight in the morning (a not unjustified suspicion given we heard him muttering “carry the nine and multiply by the square root of thirteen” whilst calculating), but subsequent checks ascertained we were indeed calling at a time less professional media advisers (i.e. those working for organizations where losing $160 million is deemed something for which those responsible must be held accountable) consider “mid-morning”. Although given the head honcho's track record I dare say Russell Powell isn't the only serf in Mordor to have lost faith in the old adage about “Early to bed and early to rise” rendering one “healthy, wealthy, and wise.”

Finally, once he’d regained some semblance of cognitive function, came a response which made the wait worthwhile. Lord Volder-Jensen wasn’t talking about his usual Anglican enemies, but about international ones. The people of Sydney and Christchurch, Sleeping Beauty continued, fought on the same side through both world wars, and the Arch-faux-primate was referring to these conflicts – something which “would have been immediately clear any Australian or New Zealander”.

Obviously I was overjoyed at hearing this, despite wondering how I’d break the news to the Beloved Sinners who’d sent the link that they’re clearly not really citizens of their respective countries, and their parents must have lied to them regarding their birth places. After all, in this time of sorrow little Peter Jensen had realized there’s something even more sacred than hating Apostate Liberals – killing foreigners. Our conversation continued:
“So Archbishop Jensen was referring to a time when the people of your two nations joined to kill Germans and Japanese?”

Yes.. er… I suppose you could put it that way.

“And now the Archbishop is comforting the bereaved, homeless, and frightened by reminding everyone how much your countrymen enjoyed killing Germans and Japanese together. If only more Christian Leaders understood the importance of recalling bloodshed and war in times of suffering!”

Er… Yes... Sort of...
Things somewhat tapered off from there - obviously the Senior Media Adviser wasn't used to engaging with a Doctrinal Warrior of my caliber. Yet as among those missing and presumed killed are twelve young Japanese students I can with absolute confidence declare that, given his amazing sensitivity and tact, we can all now expect little Peter Jensen's next project to be an evangelistic campaign in the streets of Tokyo. Featuring screenings of this.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

29 comments :

Fr Hugh Jass said...

Were there any Germans under the rubble of Christchurch Cathedral? I certainly hope not! Their one-time leader performed God's work by trying to rid the world of homosexualists. Just like Mr Jensen!

Fred Schwartz said...

I fear I have nothing glib to say. My family has been on the receiving end of an earthquake and the one thing that they did not need to hear was angry reminders of hateful things.

Is it true that the old adage, "If you have nothing good to say then say nothing" is not a Conelonialist quip?

Also, I am reminded of the quote, "Better to be thought a fool than to open one's mouth and remove all doubt" should be forwarded to the "Medium" for Lord Peter.

Silence is Golden said...

I agree with you Fred. "Better to be thought a fool than to open one's mouth and remove all doubt"... would be a good mission statement for the lords and ladies of Mordor; then they'd have nothing to say and the world would be far more harmonious.
I'm sure one of the orks has passed on your advice by now.

Calamity Jane said...

I thought everyone knew that ministers in Jensenland were trained by Phillip Jensen. His MTS apprenticeship program is short for Military Training Scheme. It's based on a 1950's military model.

Brian R said...

It is a wonder Jensen does not consider the earthquake is due to the altar cloth to which they objected in 2006. "A simple prayer has provoked an unholy war of words in the usually polite pews of Christ Church Cathedral.

A three-line, ancient Hindu text printed on an altar cloth has divided the church community and sparked a biblical row.

The text asks for enlightenment and immortality.

The cloth will be presented to the cathedral tomorrow, but will not be laid on the altar, after protests from conservative (evangelical) Anglicans over the inclusion of the Hindu elements."
I happened to be at the service when the cloth was finally laid on the altar 6 months later in October 2006. To my knowledge while the spire came down the altar cloth was not damaged.

The Rev. Dr. Christian Troll said...

I was going to ask, Calamity Jane, if Dean Jensen's indoctrination process also embraced the rampant misogyny and barely-contained homosexual yearnings (complete with the inevitable and mandatory self-loathing) of 1950s military training...
... But then I took another look at a few of his alumni's blogs, and realized what a stupid question it would have been.

Anonymous said...

Father Troll,

I note that while you were scraping the bottom of the barrel in order to find any way of misrepresenting the ANZAC relationship between Australia and New Zealand, you must have missed out on the fact that the judge has returned a judgement on the Haddon vs Steele case that you were so opinionated on last year.

Foolishly, the judge (what would she know?) appears to have disagreed with you and dismissed the plaintiff's case, awarding full costs to Steele and his co-defendant stating,


"where there is a conflict between the evidence of the defendants' witnesses, and that of Mr Haddon, I should treat his evidence with caution."

"I am also satisfied that Mr Haddon regularly and frequently imposed himself physically upon women members of the congregation, by kissing them and hugging them, and that this unwelcome. I am satisfied, in all of the circumstances, that this conduct had the necessary sexual element, and amounted to harassment."

no doubt in your ongoing quest for the truth you will see about doing your usual hatchet job on even this judge, who appears to have foolishly fallen in with the Jensen mafia. I mean, how else could she have some to a conclusion so utterly contrary to your own thoughts last year?

Anonymous said...

Don't forget the Guineas! Lots of greasy Popey people killed in WW2. And Turks in WW1-very swarthy and treacherous and Muslim.

The Rev. Dr. Christian Troll said...

Thank you, Anonymous 8:42 - it's always gratifying to learn that one of the world's only "Authentic Anglicans" (other than myself, of course) has enjoyed my homily.

Your delightful rant is, however, too long to address properly within the confines of a comment, but I assure you it will soon be receiving due attention in a post all of its own. Gifts like this one from you don't come along very often, and I've no doubt Beloved Sinners everywhere will gain much from a detailed exegesis of your charming bluster.

In the meantime, my son, please do me a favor: I've just spent the past 30 minutes scanning back through the past 526 homilies on this blog, and can't for the life of me find one in which I pontificated upon this exciting development in clergy-parishioner relationships at any length beyond that that of a one-line gag. Surely as an omniscient child of Mordor you'll have no problem assisting us by providing a link to the homily in which you claim I was "so opinionated" regarding this matter.

After all: it would be terrible if readers here should think you were exagerating, or - worse still - making things up. Because everyone knows the Orcs of Jensenland never do that. Or at least never when they think there's a chance of getting caught.

The Rev. Dr. Christian Troll said...

Whilst Beloved Sinners are waiting for the homily I've promised above, I'd encourage them to meditate upon another excerpt from the ruling our Fundamentalist Friend cites - one he curiously forgot to include in his loving assasination:

"290 - I am unable to conclude that Mr Haddon's conduct in the closed community of St Aidan's was such as to invite, whether expressly or inferentially, public criticism; or such as to affect people at large."

Surely a Jensenite wouldn't have omitted that paragraph simply because it's inconvenient. Would he?

MadPriest said...

In solidarity with the people of New Zealand and their fellow sufferers in The Family Firm, I am giving up the eating of Udon noodles for the whole of Lent.

Anonymous said...

Fr. Troll,
With the comment by Anonymous 8:42, do we have a sighting of Gollum? "Oh precious."
Fr. Maxwell Smart+

The Rev. Dr. Christian Troll said...

It could indeed be Gollum, Fr. Smart. The name does indeed fit perfectly!

Others have suggested to me that it is in fact the Crown Prince and Heir Apparent (appointed entirely on the basis of his ability, of course) who weighs into the fray in the third comment at Fr. MadPriest's.

Either way there's no denying "Crown Prince Gollum" has a lovely ring to it - all puns absolutely intended!

Stan Firm said...

How satisfying to have a follower who remembers what you wrote a year back.

Nixon is Lord said...

"The Precious will be ours once the hobbitses are dead!"

Anonymous said...

It is SHOCKING that an affectionate man should be prosecuted for kissing and cuddling women during The Peace. What are women in Sydney Diocese for - if not a bit of slap and tickle? Since they're banned from speaking, they must have some use for a man's amusememnt.

Anonymous said...

Personally, I don't thin Russell Powell writes this end of the wee stuff at Sydney Anglicans. I thin Gollum trawls the blog sites, and that is now the Sydney Anglican liturgical message. After all there is a lot at stae for Gollum, being one of the word's leading evangelicals. All he can do is censor because he is unable to debate. To debate one has to concede there could be another point of view.
Sorry but one of the letters on my ey board has dissappeared!

Anonymous said...

The Precious will be ours once the Hobbitses are dead!

Calamity Jane said...

Patricia Brennan, who was a great advocate for women's ordination in Australia was buried on Friday. It was a very sad day. She is survived by the Jensens and their henchmen.

Alcibiades said...

The scribes and pharisees may continue to control Sydney, but throughout the rest of Australia Dr. Brennan leaves a legacy of several hundred women priests, and two bishops, with many more in formation.

Even in Sydney, most of the few parishes to have achieved +Jensen's "vision for growth" (and the only ones to have done so without massive diocesan funding) are those which have been deeply touched by her prophetic vision of a church in which leadership is no longer determined by gender and sexuality.

She is gone, but through her inspiration the Spirit of God has raised up hundreds to continue in her footsteps.

Anonymous said...

Alcibiades,
It is hard to believe that Patricia Brennan has gone. There are some tributes to her on the internet.

Calamity Jane said...

I'm sure Patricia Brennan would be more than turning in her grave if she read this article at the Sola Panel. It's time Tony Payne realised that immorality comes in many forms and belongs within Complementarian circles.

Stan Firm said...

Off topic, Phil Ashey of the "American Anglican Council" now does a weekly video presentation. Far less fierce than all that "blow things up" rhetoric led one to expect. A pussycat, in fact - or at least a bear.

Anonymous said...

I wonder if Nicole Starling or Tony Payne from the Sola Panel can clarify if a Christian Complementarian wife, must stand by her husband even if he has sinned against God's innocents? Agnes Hart's hypothetical story is a good discussion point. It is the first in a trilogy that addresses the lies, abuse and corruption used by religious zealots to maintain control of a world based on literal Biblical interpretation...literal interpretation such as submission and the use of manipulation to cover the imperfections of fundamentalists.

Anonymous said...

Dear Father.

The Spirit moved me to write the following on Sola Panel:

@ Tony.

I think that any suggested immorality of CEOs stemmed from the fact that they recklessly and unethically lost huge amounts of investors' money and weren't held in any way accountable.

Just like Peter Jensen.

Let's see if it ends up there.

Also my word verification at SP was 'national69'

Mel from Sydney

Calamity Jane said...

Mel
It will be interesting to see if your comment is posted.

Anonymous said...

Fr Troll
Did you see that Apple have dumped the Exodus "gay cure' iPhone application?

Anonymous said...

The Sola Panel response:

Mel Keenan23/03/2011 10:51 AM@ Tony.

I think that any suggested immorality of CEOs stemmed from the fact that they recklessly and unethically lost huge amounts of investors’ money and weren’t held in any way accountable.

Part of this comment has been removed for having violated our comments policy (namely, that comments should be godly and on topic).

Anonymous said...

It is unGodly to be held accountable for misappropriation of funds ie gambling... and Godly to discriminate and incite prejudice against those who believe the spirit of Jesus Christ to be egalitarian and inclusive. Sounds like Evangelical fundamentalism...exploitive condesending elitism and hypocrisy!