Sunday, August 24, 2008

The Midwestern Conservative Journal: Hating As Jesus Should Have.

Funnily enough, after yesterday revisiting one of my favourite “Gathered Brethren” links, I’ve now been called to add another. Hosted on the appropriately named “bloghorn” servers, our new addition rejoices in a full name so pretentious that even its “editor” and sole writer only mentions it in very small letters, preferring the streamlined cutting-edge abbreviation of “MCJ”.

Run by little Whatshisname, he and his charming team of commenters have so much to teach those of you who daily visit me here at GAFCON. Whereas your comments are invariably polite, showing each other courtesy and respect, their’s are a powerful witness that Jesus’ “love thy neighbour” stuff might have been appropriate two thousand years ago, but He only had to contend with Bible-believing God-fearing Pharisees. If Jesus had been faced with a Church consumed by Apostate Sodomites and Liberals he’d surely have been just as aggressive as BubbaStoneHeart, BigWhiteBible, and all the other inspiring pseudonyms vying for attention in Whatshisnames’ comment fields. Except Jesus would probably have known how to spell. And not have found guns quite so sexually arousing.

Where these shining brothers (and even sisters) truly excel, however, is in their exegetical understanding. For example: when studying Luke 6:41-42 Liberals always approach Jesus’ words about first removing the plank in one’s own eye before dealing with the speck in another’s as if He was figuratively teaching some sort of principle. Yet, as the folks at MCJ so clearly understand, Jesus was speaking literally. He was explaining the obvious fact (since people back then were stupid because television hadn’t yet been invented) that if you happen to have a plank in your eye (an extremely rare occurrence, you’ll have to agree) it should be removed before performing anything as delicate as removing a speck from somebody else’s eye. If you don’t happen to have a plank in your eye (and who does other than perhaps a few drunken sawmillers who’ve never realised professional wrestling is phoney?) this passage simply doesn’t apply! So when it comes to excluding anyone from the love of God, or intimidating a minority who’ve been persecuted for centuries, Our Lord’s ophthalmic advice is irrelevant. Just dive in and whack ‘em as hard as you want. That’s how they do things at the Midwestern Conservative Journal, and that’s the future of the Anglican Communion if the Gathered Brethren have their way.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

7 comments:

Fred Schwartz said...

Dear Fr. Christian:

I could hardly believe it what you said so I went to MJC to check on it myself and by golly, way too much whackin' goin' on. But it did put this song in my mind. I dedicate it to all the neo-can whackers.



Artist: Miller Roger
Song: Do Wacka Do

I hear tell you’re doin’ well,
Good thing have come to you.
I wish I had your happiness
And you had a do-wacka-do,
Wacka do, wacka-do, wacka-do.

They tell me you’re runnin’ free,
Your days are never blue.
I wish I had your good-luck charm
And you had a do-wacka-do,
Wacka do, wacka-do, wacka-do.

Yeah, I see you’re goin’ down the street in your big Cadillac,
You got girls in the front, you got girls in the back,
Yeah, way in back, you got money in a sack,
Both hands on the wheel and your shoulders rared back
root-doot-doot-doot-doot, do-wah,

I hear tell you’re doin’ well,
Good things have come to you.
I wish I had your happiness
And you had a do-wacka-do,
Wacka do, wacka-do, wacka-do.

(Nonsense syllable interlude)

Yeah, I see you’re goin’ down the street in your big Cadillac,
You got girls in the front, you got girls in the back,
Yeah, way in back, you got money in a sack,
Both hands on the wheel and your shoulders rared back
root-doot-doot-doot-doot, do-wah,

I hear tell you’re doin’ well,
Good things have come to you.
I wish I had your good-luck charm
And you had a do-wacka-do,
Wacka do, wacka-do, wacka-do.

Erika Baker said...

Even if you do not read the passage literally you are still left with the fact that St Paul said you must root out false teachings and not tolerate those who disagree with you.

What that means, as an earnest Christian explained to me once at length, is that "love thy neighbour as yourself" only applies to your Christian neighbours, not to any old neighbour.

It therefore also clearly means that the plank and speck business only applies within the true Christian fraternity, not to any old nobody.

And so it's appropriate that Christians forgive sexual sins of their fellow Christian brothers. A little straight adultery has never harmed anyone's career. After all, as long as they repent afterwards they are still saved!

It's only unrelenting sodomites and scripture authority denying liberals who are definitely false witnesses to Christ's teachings and who therefore have to be cast out of the brotherhood of true believers.

Cany said...

I tried to slog through this site some months ago, but there were so many dinosaurs there I had difficulty negotiating facts.

It's so much easier when you just tell us what to believe. Every time I have to think I get a terrible headache.

As for the guns, well, I spose they're for defending themselves against ideas that might knock on their doors. As you well know, and obviously teach, ideas are not EVER to be tolerated and they are as threatening as, well, liberals.

Leonardo Ricardo said...

It's so much easier when you just tell us what to believe. Every time I have to think I get a terrible headache." cany

Both you and cany know stuff Dear Dr. Christian Troll...I'm please that I can just sit here and learn stuff form both of ye...TRUST once was a issue with me, but, alas, no more as I stay tuned to YOU...going to that *other* place was indeed unpleasant...not my cup of frothy mouth at all.

Saint Superior said...

Yes, it's just ever so wonderful that we're so much more intelligent and Christian than they are at that little MJC.

The Rev. Dr. Christian Troll said...

On the contrary SS (what charming initials you have) - if you find someone to read you my article you'll realise I'm holding MCJ up as a role model for the liberal rabble who normally post here.

The Rev. Dr. Christian Troll said...

... although SS, you are indeed correct about one thing. The people posting here regularly are more intelligent than those thumping their chests at MJC. Nor do they believe human sexuality can be "perverted by catchin' them thar Gay Cooties."