This man wants you to Spread.

Just when it seemed like all the good names for Biblically orthodox web sites – ones like Hustler, or Giant Jugs, or Tight Butts – had been taken, along has come someone who proves there’s still plenty of potential for ministry on the old internet. I’m speaking of course of little Charles Raven, who’s interestingly titled movement and site SPREAD proves that even if evangelicals are determined to destroy the Church of England, they are at least committed to preserving the tradition of saucy British double entendre.

Now there’s no denying little Charles has issues. Nor that an illustrated discussion of those issues could probably not be sold to minors. But please, let’s give credit where it’s due: there aren’t many men with the degree of tactlessness necessary to call an organisation devoted entirely to their passion for a heady cocktail of bad theology, misogyny, and homophobia Spread. He may look meek, mild and only reasonably unpleasantly beady-eyed, but there's no denying he's not shy about letting us all know what's on his mind.

Sure it’s an acronym for something (isn’t everything in Conservative Christianity these days?), but a lesser Biblical Christian would have abandoned the name when they realised it makes their crucial contribution to the world of Orthodoxy look like something published by Paul Raymond. Not the Rev. Raven; throwing cultural awareness to the winds he pressed on regardless. Perhaps in doing so he sees himself as standing against the tide of secular colloquialisms? Or perhaps he’s so spiritual he’s never heard of the more profane connotations. Then again, maybe “Spread” just appealed to a part of himself he prefers not to discuss in public.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

The Midwestern Conservative Journal: Hating As Jesus Should Have.

Funnily enough, after yesterday revisiting one of my favourite “Gathered Brethren” links, I’ve now been called to add another. Hosted on the appropriately named “bloghorn” servers, our new addition rejoices in a full name so pretentious that even its “editor” and sole writer only mentions it in very small letters, preferring the streamlined cutting-edge abbreviation of “MCJ”.

Run by little Whatshisname, he and his charming team of commenters have so much to teach those of you who daily visit me here at GAFCON. Whereas your comments are invariably polite, showing each other courtesy and respect, their’s are a powerful witness that Jesus’ “love thy neighbour” stuff might have been appropriate two thousand years ago, but He only had to contend with Bible-believing God-fearing Pharisees. If Jesus had been faced with a Church consumed by Apostate Sodomites and Liberals he’d surely have been just as aggressive as BubbaStoneHeart, BigWhiteBible, and all the other inspiring pseudonyms vying for attention in Whatshisnames’ comment fields. Except Jesus would probably have known how to spell. And not have found guns quite so sexually arousing.

Where these shining brothers (and even sisters) truly excel, however, is in their exegetical understanding. For example: when studying Luke 6:41-42 Liberals always approach Jesus’ words about first removing the plank in one’s own eye before dealing with the speck in another’s as if He was figuratively teaching some sort of principle. Yet, as the folks at MCJ so clearly understand, Jesus was speaking literally. He was explaining the obvious fact (since people back then were stupid because television hadn’t yet been invented) that if you happen to have a plank in your eye (an extremely rare occurrence, you’ll have to agree) it should be removed before performing anything as delicate as removing a speck from somebody else’s eye. If you don’t happen to have a plank in your eye (and who does other than perhaps a few drunken sawmillers who’ve never realised professional wrestling is phoney?) this passage simply doesn’t apply! So when it comes to excluding anyone from the love of God, or intimidating a minority who’ve been persecuted for centuries, Our Lord’s ophthalmic advice is irrelevant. Just dive in and whack ‘em as hard as you want. That’s how they do things at the Midwestern Conservative Journal, and that’s the future of the Anglican Communion if the Gathered Brethren have their way.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

Virtue Online

Of all the many blessings showered upon mankind few are greater than the miracle that David W. Virtue’s father was not named Mr. Hotsweaty-Bondagebar. How different a place would the web be if the scent we now know as Virtue Online instead belonged to a rose of some other name?

Let there be no doubt. David W. Virtue is a true a gift to Bible-believers, one which no GAFCON man need ever contemplate instructing his wife to return to Wal-Mart for credit. From young David’s innovative use of RANDOM CAPITALS for emphasis (thereby ensuring THOSE less familiar with the Scriptures miss no SUBTLE insight), to his canny understanding of global media, whereby he can routinely perceive that an ordinary Reuters press release is actually a Virtue Online EXCLUSIVE, this web site sets the standard for GAFCON churches everywhere.

Perhaps an explanation for the powerful impact Virtue Online has made upon the faithful lies in the fact that David’s experience is in journalism, rather than in theology or ministry. Thus while men of the church are renowned for being impulsive and sensationalist, he brings the considered and pastoral approach of a successful popular journalist. Where a Christian academic might glibly seize upon one or two points without considering an issue’s broader historical and hermeneutic implications, David W. Virtue shares the fine mass-media tradition of patiently reviewing all implications before reaching any conclusions. Where lesser men refuse to review earlier findings, and instead stubbornly maintain their original position even when they know it to be wrong, David is committed to always maturely admitting any errors before revising his position and moving on in truth and love. That there are no examples of this occurring is simply because Mr. Virtue has never made a mistake, as he is the first to admit.

Despite fierce opposition, this man always remains resolute. Whereas liberals deleted his Wikipedia entry last January, David has kept the link in a powerful symbolic gesture of defiance against those who would see him silenced. For those of us who respect David it’s more than just a dead link – it’s proof he NEVER GIVES AN INCH when it comes to responding to critical taunts.

If there is just one problem with Virtue Online it’s this: a small matter of truthfulness. Now I realise truth is not an important issue for many GAFCON Christians, but in this instance I will be taking action to correct Mr. Virtue. His site claims to be The Voice for Global Orthodox Anglicanism, which is patently UNTRUE. I am The Voice for Global Orthodox Anglicanism.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

END

Titus One Nine

Kendall S. Harmon is not a good man, since the Bible teaches that God alone is good. (Mk 10:18). He knows, however, that he is a righteous man, and he enjoys reminding others of this.

His ever informative site Titus One Nine is an important adjunct to any GAFCON Christian’s arsenal. Even the name is an Biblical reference worth memorising, although I am still disappointed he lacked the resolve to persevere with his original choice of Nahum Three Six

The only caution which I am out of obedience to The Word compelled to make is that the Rev. Dr. Harmon is currently influenced by the hideous darkness that is Paganism and Wicca. Instead of referring to his assistants by their appropriate title of “Domestic Staff” (or, since he lives in South Carolina, where a more Biblical attitude towards such matters prevails, “Slaves”), Titus One Nine purports to be administered by elves!

Now I have read the Bible from cover to cover more times than any other man in the entire Communion, and I can assure you that there is within the Sacred and Hallowed pages absolutely no reference to elves. The existence of such beings is a lie with foul origins in the Satanic labyrinth of Pagan mythology: a darkness which has no fellowship with the light of GAFCON.

Having prayerfully considered this matter I am still prepared to recommend Titus One Nine as a source of Bible teaching, albeit with the proviso that women should best avoid it until young Kendall has repented of this disgraceful flirtation with evil.

For those men of sufficient maturity to not be seduced by the blatant Paganism, might I suggest that each visit be accompanied by an email to Kendall himself at KSHarmon@mindspring.com, urging him to turn from this wickedness and live (Ezekiel 18:27). Please, however, be aware of your manners: Canon Harmon is a sensitive and caring man, famous for his gentle and compassionate heart. Be sure when rebuking him you speak with the same love he so warmly shows others

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

Stand Firm in Faith

Of all Bible-believing internet sites www.standfirminfaith.com is unquestionably one of the most trustworthy and responsible.

However there is sadly one disturbing indication that the octopus-like tentacles of liberalism are encroaching. While drawing attention to this stain on an otherwise unblemished fortress of Bible Teaching causes me great personal pain, I cannot permit this to go unmentioned:

Stand Firm permits women to teach!

At first this was limited to allowing women to post their “thoughts” in the comments section of articles written by men, but lately women have even been permitted to produce and post articles of their own – in blatant disregard of the Apostle Paul’s clear injunction and practice (Timothy 2:12). The state of the modern church shows exactly where Stand Firm will end up if this trend isn’t reversed, and I urge everyone who takes the Bible seriously to contact and rebuke them for this wilful Scriptural apostasy.

Given the friendly and caring spirit for which the men at Stand Firm are renown I’m sure they will respond positively and with repentance. Soon the women currently nattering away like schoolgirls will once more bring glory to their husbands by quietly absorbing what they read in silence, and obediently wait for an appropriate time in the privacy of their homes to ask their male guardian for the meaning of any big words.

I’m Father Christian, and I teach the Bible.