Wednesday, January 11, 2017

A Gilded Clarification

I’m afraid the prurient godless liberal media have been at it again, publishing Slavic mistruths about the people’s Dear Leader. Normally when confronted with such lewd filth I simply turn my back on it, preferring to concentrate on matters more profitable to My Ministry. But this time, Beloved Sinners, for the sake of your spiritual well-being I’m forced to respond without delay.

The Bible has, like most things, a great deal to say about urination: by My count there are five references (Google them for yourselves – your colleagues and the good-for-nothings in the IT dept. deserve the ensuing mirth when they discover your browser’s history). Although the Scriptural context primarily concerns the act of relieving oneself against a wall, and how the ability to do so without requiring the flexibility of a fairground contortionist defines an individual as male, and thus appropriately equipped to be either (a) slaughtered (should said urethral furnishings be constructed of an opposing nation’s DNA); or (b) eligible for ordination to the Priesthood and Prelacy. Undoubtedly as the result of an oversight on god’s part the Holy Writings don’t devote as much column space to activities involving hookers and a Moscow hotel room as modern Exegetical Preachers would like. Although given the Evangelical predilection for lavishly illustrated “Children’s Bibles” that’s probably not such a bad thing.

As in all things, however, the truth is mundane. While in this instance it might not set you free, it could well make you gag a little, and I fully understand the sentiments of those finding this whole issue distasteful. Thought in the interests of scientific accuracy Bishop Quinine would like me to mention the extent of this largely depends upon what participating parties have previosuly been eating and drinking – there’s a reason some folk can’t abide asparagus, and I’m told it’s got nothing to do with the vegetable’s morphology.

No, as little Donnie’s closest Spiritual Adviser and Confidante I can assure you there’s absolutely nothing sexual behind this whole uproar. The simple fact is that an aspiring dictator’s got to do what an aspiring dictator’s got to do. And how else do you think Dear Trump is able to preserve the distinctive bright hue of his cranial follicular matter? Or maintain his skin’s lovely orange glow?

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.


A British Spy (in hiding) said...

My colleagues at MI6 have discovered Donnie is a germaphobic, Islamaphobic, latinophobic, homophobic Misogynist. This indicates he may have urinated on clean muslim lesbian prostitutes from Mexico at the Moscow Ritz Carlton. Please don't publish this.

unkmonk1 said...

Nixon is lord.

The Rev. Dr. Christian Troll said...

@unkmonk 1: Brad my son - after all these years - is it really you? And do you still have your kidneys? I've found a good buyer for them, and am willing to generously give you 3% of the price he's willing to pay Me for sourcing a reasonable set of said organs.

A British Spy: Of course I won't publish a word. Back in the '30s in Cambridge I became close friends with a number of fine young men who went on to work for your organisation, and each one of them would freely testify to My ability to keep a secret.

As for the "germaphobe" thing - what little Donnie was trying to say is that he's he's a germanophpbe - he doesn't like Germans. Who, as anyone who has for Ministry Purposes research into the sinful adult movie market knows, are the leading producers of materials featuring the aforementioned ablutionary practices.

A Russian Prostitute said...

Your presence at Donny's inauguration added much-needed gravitas at such a poorly-attended event. I was amazed to see only 5.8 million people present. Can you explain if telling lies is permitted by God's Word Written? And will Donny be closing down all the media and allowing bible-believers to read Twitter only?

unkmonk1 said...

Celebrate your diversity!