Happy 4th of July!!!!

In order to celebrate today I have specially created this inspiring image for my Orthodox imitators like little David Virtue, or the wild & crazy gang of persecuted martyrs at Viagraville. I trust it will help them always remember how fortunate they are to be living in a democracy which permits people to voluntarily place themselves and their families in hands of a religious dictator. A place where the expression “land of the free” can be twisted to justify the appropriation of another church’s name and property (albeit only until those courts still to hand down their findings do so) on the basis of bigotry and bad theology. And somewhere in which disrespectful bloggers are free to ridicule their vain-glorious pretensions to be anything other than a bunch of sexually insecure little men determined to drag the Gospel and everyone who's been touched by it down to their own miserable level.

For those of you who count themselves as among my Dearly Beloved Sinners, this picture forms part of different celebratory gift, since there'll be a prize for the first person who spots it having been used as a mark of respect on a conservative site. Yes, I know that may take a month or two, but it’s been named and tagged in such a way as to ensure it’ll show up on the kind of Google image searches little Bobby’s faithful run when struck by a sudden craving for an image of their favourite flimflammer. At the moment I’m unsure of what the prize will be: perhaps I’ll mail the winner Evangelical Eric for a week (2nd prize is two weeks), or perhaps it might be a limited edition Father Christian sweat-shirt (for some reason I find the notion of people sweating beneath my image strangely arousing, but that might just be an after-effect of the Independence Day breakfast Bishop Quinine prepared for us all: he insisted they were mushrooms, but I still think they looked more like toadstools). Whatever I decide on, I’m sure you’ll be delighted, so keep your eyes open and email me here as soon as you think you’ve found something. My tip for one of the first places to watch is here, although I wouldn't put it past little Bobby to use it himself.

Lastly, I want to deliver a special warning to any Rectors intending to hold a church fireworks display this evening: DO NOT LIGHT THE FIREWORKS YOURSELF!. Fireworks are dangerous, and it’s for risky activities like this that God gave us Curates. Each year more people than you can imagine blow fingers - and even hands - to kingdom come, and what would be the point of your new high-speed internet connection if that happened? Let your Assistant Minister risk his palm and digits: you need both hands in good shape for those times when everyone’s been ordered to not disturb you while you’re “researching your sermon”. Remember; “one handed surfing” is awfully difficult if you’ve only got one hand.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

Sarah Palin: a Nixon for our times.

“I have never been a quitter” announced the man many Christian Conservatives quite rightfully believe to have been America’s greatest President. If only he'd not said it while in the process of quitting his words might have carried a bit more credibility, but then again, President Nixon also said a number of that my fellow Bible-believers prefer to not discuss, but at a time like this I can’t think of a more appropriate Republican to quote. That’s because news from north has just reached my ears that Governor Palin has not only decided to not seek re-election, but has tendered her resignation – effective as of 26 July – from the office which is rightfully hers.

Now the cynics among us might suggest that she’s only doing this because of the fact not having candle’s chance in an Anchorage blizzard of winning next time around, it makes more sense to desert her sinking ship while there’s still time to start pestering party officials in the lower 48 to give her a chance to deliver Obama an even bigger majority in 2012.

Yet I believe the real reason is that she’s finally seen the light as taught by this delightful woman, who happens to be the spouse of Pastor Brokenbrow (thank you Alice Grumbacher) – the Baptist pastor whose hobby involves making a nuisance of himself at DHS checkpoints. Words fail me when it comes to describing Mrs. Brokenbow’s logic (is it just me, or does the way that elsewhere on her site she frequently refers to her husband not as “Steven”, but as “Pastor Anderson” also strike you as not so much ‘faithful’ and ‘endearing’ as ‘creepy’?) – read her take on Palin’s involvement in politics for yourself. That way nobody will accuse me of making things up.

Either way, in quitting Sarah Palin has shown the spirit of a true Bible-believing Conservative: while faithfully spouting ideo-babble she’s made a huge mess which she’s now leaving for somebody else to clean up. Whether it’s Vietnam, Iraq, or Alaskan mismanagement – you can always rely on a religious conservative to create enough work to keep idle liberal hands busy fixing things afterwards.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

He's not deposed; he only smells that way.

A most Dearly Beloved Sinner has just brought a marvellous little blog to my attention, and believe me when I say that what I’ve found there has been more than enough to warm the nether regions of a mighty old Doctrinal Warrior like myself.

I must admit I was initially a bit concerned about the site, called “And Now For Something Completely Different”, since the little Gafconeer responsible keeps talking about something called “Monty’s python”, which obviously seemed some kind of code for an unhealthy obsession with a small part of his Bishop’s anatomy - and when you realise his “Bishop” is none other than little layman Schofield you’ll understand my unease.

Consequently I was indeed relieved when Brother Richthofen and his friends from Seminary explained that the blogger, who is also the happy-clappy Rector of a congregation occupying property stolen from the Diocese of San Joaquin, is actually only obsessed with a group of English comedians. Which explains why Fr. Riebe (as his colonic-irrigator and parishioners address him) takes such pride in posting this clip of someone called Mr. Creosote being interviewed by an earnest young Biblicist: those unfamiliar with Mr. Creosote may also wish to view an earlier appearance here.

Yet not only is Fr. Riebe a fan of British comedy, he’s also been trying to produce a little humour of his own. In a truly hilarious piece entitled In Response to Being Deposed the merry-making Gafconeer claims “the rest of the bishops of the Anglican Communion” regard those who like him have now become Bishop Creosote’s ringwraiths as “STILL priests and clergy in good standing”. Sure: and 3 out of 4 people honestly can’t tell the difference between butter and margarine. Except the proportion of provinces recognizing little Bobby Duncan’s sect isn’t 3 out of 4, but closer to 1 in 5, but hey: since when has amateur stand-up been too concerned with details?

The best, however, comes a little further into the routine: “it is like the CEO of IBM trying to fire the executive staff at Xerox”. This would be so true if the Xerox employees had been previously employed by IBM, and thought themselves entitled to take the office building and contents when resigning to join Xerox. Which no doubt occurs all the time in Fr. Riebe’s over-heated reality – if not in the world everyone else lives in.

Indeed, I’m seriously considering adding this to my list of Gathered Brethren, and it’s a detail on a form letter from little Bobby which And Now etc. obsequiously reprints that really shows why: the letter is signed +Robert Pittsburgh, and not ++. Either little Bobby doesn’t really believe he’s a Primate, or Fr. Riebe can’t bring himself to extend the façade that far. And either way one of them is correct, even if medication could well be of help to both.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

Happy Canada Day, eh?

Special greetings to all my Dearly Beloved Sinners north of the 49th Parallel, as well as those of you in places like Montreal, Toronto and Ottawa who may be geographically a few degrees south, but are as patriotically north of that cartographic divide as it's possible for a soul to get. Blessing to you all!

As a treat, I'm pleased to be able to inform you all that by way of a national birthday present the British Government has announced that they've relinquished all claim upon J. I. Packer, so you're now officially stuck with him in perpetuity.

Additionally, the people of Australia have said you can keep David Short for as long as you want - but when you've had enough of him they wonder if you could please not send him home, but perhaps instead arrange for him to be cast adrift on an ice floe?

What's more, the people of the U.S. would like you to know you're welcome to have as many ACNA bishops as you'd like, and if you take more than half they'll outlaw the telling of Canadian jokes and do their best to stop people mistaking you for Americans whenever you travel.

And lastly, Evangelical Eric is more than willing to accept Celine Dion in exchange for all of the above. Does a national birthday present get any better than that?

Je suis Père Christian et j'enseigne la Bible.

I think we have a problem, Lagos.

As every orthodox post-colonial Christian knows, Africa is in no way a homogenous mono-culture. Instead the continent actually encompasses a vast array of ethnic, social and linguistic groups, who come together to form a total of 47 widely differing countries and 12 Anglican provinces. Yet at the same time, as every faithful Gafconeer also knows, African Anglican leaders – unlike their apostate western counterparts – are universally pure in doctrine and practice.

Indeed; these uncorrupted and incorruptible men serve as role models to us all, and it is to them we must turn for guidance when it comes to reasserting the values of our homophobic and misogynist forbears. After all, if our great-grandparents lived in a world of repression and hatred who are we to aspire to anything more?

Yet as an Orthodox leader steering our faithless and reprobate church against the tide of justice, I must confess that I am increasingly finding myself confronted by a new quandary: just which African teaching is it that I am supposed to follow?

I say this because, as many of you have undoubtedly already been horror-struck to learn, the Diocese of Accra, in the Province of West Africa has decided to permit the ordination of women to the Priesthood. This means they are now firmly upon the same slippery slope as Rwanda, Uganda and Kenya, and directly at odds with Nigeria and Tanzania.Yet since all of these churches are directly guided by god, which one is correct?

Obviously they can’t all be right: it’s a central tenet of orthodoxy that whenever two parties have conflicting opinions one of them must be walking in perfect truth and light, while the other must be spawned in sin and dammed for all eternity. Yet unlike the forsaken west, these are all conservative Gafcon churches; their Primates are members of the Gafcon Primates Council, and consequently they are by infallible when it comes to matters of doctrine. So how can we determine who is the heretic and who represents the Communion’s sole last hope?

Bishop Quinine says he contacted little Martyn Minns for an answer, who reportedly responded by saying that at times like this one should always just ask “What would big Pete Akinola do?” (WWBPAD?) Yet I’ve seen what Rwandans and Ugandans are capable of doing when they get angry, and to perfectly honest I don’t think the parishioners of either province would be happy learning that they should be considered inferior to the Nigerians, or that someone else’s big-man is bigger than theirs.

No, perhaps the strategy most Bible-believing Anglican leaders are taking really is the best: under this approach the African churches are always right, providing their position is the same as that of white conservative upper-middle class western males. The moment any African bishop deviates from this guideline they can be ignored in favour of another prelate more supportive of one’s own prejudices. After all, one African church is pretty much the same as the next, isn’t it?

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

Martyn Minns Speaks Up (Beware of Penis Thieves)

Eagle-eyed observers of these strange-but-amusing days have noticed big Pete Akinola’s uncharacteristic silence on the inauguration of little Bobby’s sect. Perhaps in response to this astonishing turnaround from “the mouth of the south”, little Martyn Minns has come out from under the covers and posted a ‘Q & A’ on the CANA web site.

Now the problem with these sort things is they never address the questions one would really like to hear asked, such as “How do keep a straight face while saying this nonsense?”, or “Has becoming a pretend-bishop finally satisfied the strange psycho-sexual craving for power you’ve obviously had for years, or are you sometimes woken up in the middle of the night by a niggling itch for something more substantial?”. Even so little Martyn’s piece is still most revealing.

Firstly, he makes it quite clear that border-crossing is here to stay: “CANA… will continue to maintain our own identity”. Only now the borders will be those of a deluded sect, as well as those defined Canterbury. When asked if CANA congregations will have two Archbishops - ++Akinola and Layman Duncan – little Martyn explains the reality (in so far as the noun “reality” can be applied to any of this) will be a third option – himself: “CANA congregations will continue to be under my leadership as Missionary Bishop” So - according to Minns, at any rate – if things ever come down to a choice between Bobby’s way and his way, faux-Nigerians should be in no doubt where their loyalties will have to lie. Pointy hat or no pointy hat, little Martyn’s the boss – at least when Big Pete isn’t around.

Even more interestingly, we’re told “CANA congregations will have a ‘dual citizenship’. They will be members of the Church in Nigeria and as a result of that relationship, full members of the global Anglican Communion. CANA congregations are also members of the Anglican Church in North America.” in other words Minns is saying that those members of ACNA not under his control aren’t members of the Anglican Communion. And if that doesn’t get Pittsburgh’s angriest eyebrows twitching nothing will.

Granted, this scenario isn’t claimed to be a permanent one, but will only be in place “for a time” However long that is. “In time” we also told, some of the faux-Nigerian “districts” will come out from under Minns’ brooding thighs and “apply for recognition” as dioceses in their own right. “In the coming months” he threatens, he “will be working with groups across CANA who are wanting to explore this process.” - a process which sounds awfully like it may involve taking down names and addresses and forwarding them to some of Big Pete’s enforcers. Because there’s certainly nothing he says which implies they’ve any chance of getting their application approved.

Then again, Bishop Quinine and the Ministry Team think Big Pete might be just laying low so as to not fall victim to the latest outbreak out of Nigerian penis theft. In which case getting little Martyn to stick his head above the parapet makes a lot of sense. What’s he got to lose?

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

Shameless Michael Jackson Google post.

Since the intertubes are melting down with excitement at Michael Jackson's sadly predictable passing I'm feeling forced to say something about the matter lest my Google ranking slide. After all, this wouldn't be the world's leading conservative blog if I didn't seize every opportunity that comes along to get down in the gutter and promote myself.

Now I've got to admit I've always much preferred Jackson's early material to all that stuff he did after his nose started falling off and he began sharing his bed with children in a way that the academic literature generally describes as "creepy", but in my opinion history will show his greatest legacy was having paved the way for the most talented group of all, The Osmonds. To see what I mean just spend a moment watching and listening to Michael and his brothers here on Soul Train before grooving on down with this classic footage of The Osmonds at the 1972 Ohio State Fair:

Just look how well theses fine young Mormon boys in Elvis jump-suits were able to build upon the Jackson's choreographic foundations: don't miss the moment at 0:28 when Donny and his brother collide or, as it was colloquially known back in those wild and crazy days, "bump". Oh! Be still my beating heart!

I'm Father Christian and I teach the Bible.