The Very Rev. James M. Jensen

“And what will we find? We'll find that any questions and doubts will fade away, as we meet God face to face. Which is simply to say that when things fall apart and time runs out, God's love remains and God's eternity breaks in. The word to us is wake up and live; watch and pray! Jesus Christ is truly the Living End -- the One in whom there is a new Heaven and a new Earth, a City of God, where we will at last be home, safe and sound, forever."

Fr. Jim

Let our thoughts, prayers, and love be with Klady and all who today are mourning. Together we weep, but only for a time; for we have been well taught that one day even grief shall be no more.

Arise, Dirty George Conger.

Well it took little George Conger less than 24 hours to crumble before the tide of liberal pressure brought on by his courageous move to illustrate the truth concerning lesbianism as every creepy old man, every sweaty-palmed post-adolescent fundamentalist, and every GAFCON-believing homophobe knows it to be. Or at least likes to imagine it to be in those special moments they pray very hard to be delivered from, and even harder that nobody will ever find out about.

That’s right, the hot ‘n’ sweaty picture he posted yesterday at Religious Intelligence has already been replaced by an image of a rainbow flag flying strong in the breeze, which Brother Richthofen and his friends from seminary say is more symbolic than folks at the incongruently named Religious Intelligence will ever understand.

Still, Canon Conger (say that out aloud: does it sound more like a 1940’s dance or a 1960’s brand of cheap bubble-gum?) should rest assured that his innovative masterpiece has been preserved, both as the jpeg here yesterday, and in entirety as a high resolution pdf stored under high-security on the St. Onuphrius’ servers. So there’s absolutely no need for concern that anyone might forget the original; rest assured my dear pseudo-journalist (I know you visit here from time to time, so there’s no need to be shy), we’ll keep the memory of your work alive.

What’s more, to mark this significant new milestone in Conservative Blogging I’ve decided, by the powers vested in me as the self-appointed arbiter of all that is Doctrinally Sound, to bestow upon Canon Conger a new honorific. This shall henceforth be used by all Dearly Beloved Sinners whenever referring to our favorite Orthodox Pornographer, who is to be afforded all the respect a man of his acumen deserves. Truly, truly I say unto you all: no longer shall he be “little” – from this day on the man will be known as Dirty George Conger.

I’m Father Christian, and I teach the Bible.

George Conger's Gift to Masturbaters.

Thanks to little George Conger and his publicists at “Religious Intelligence” Christians all around the world with Covenant Eyes installed on their computers are enthusiastically whacking away. Students at fine institutions like Patrick Henry College and Sydney’s Moore Theological College won’t be coming out of their rooms for days, and “Accountability Partners” will all be mystified as to why their charges have spent hours studying what appears to be a straightforward story about a judicial bureaucrat ruling children are better off being raised in cold and heartless institutions than in warm and loving family homes overseen by caring couples who happen to have similarly shaped smelly bits.

Little will the “Accountability Partners” realize George’s article has been thoughtfully illustrated with the kind of picture that heterosexual-but-dysfunctional Bible-believing men all know accurately depicts the depravity into which young women immediately plummet if left unattended after being in any way exposed to the lesbian lifestyle and/or its practitioners. You can see the original for yourselves here, but you'd better click quickly, since I doubt the Religious Intelligence will be able to cope with the increased bandwidth. Consequently I have for posterity's sake reproduced the relevant portion of Rev. Conger’s article:


After all, I’m sure it’ll only be a matter of time before some apostate liberal tries to suppress this article (which I swear I have not photoshopped!) on account of it revealing the truth about what happens when instead of marrying off their daughters to much older and wiser Biblical Christians, who then compel their legitimately purchased young brides to produce hordes of home-schooled progeny, parents permit girls to receive an education.

Mark my words: when you start with little things, like teaching a young woman to read, it’s only a matter of time before she’ll doubt the veracity of such Biblical truths as the fact that all the world’s linguistic differences resulted from God getting annoyed by few hubristic Babylonian property developers (Nobody likes having their view built out). Then the next thing you know she and her friends are leaning against pastel-colored walls in micro-skirts and feeling each other’s breast implants. Or at least that’s what most of George Conger’s followers hope will happen.

This all raises some serious questions. Like where did George steal this picture from, and is it part of a series? Can he give his assurance he was only viewing that site for research purposes? Or the most important question of all: what sort of Google traffic was he hoping to attract with the headline “Court blow for homosexuals”? And how can Bishop Quinine be prevented from taking this literally next time he’s ordered to make an appearance?

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

Have I told you lately that I love you?

As everyone knows, ANiC is an rare Inuit dialect word meaning “unpatriotic cowards to afraid to start a schism of their own”, and northern members of little Bobby Duncan’s new sect have just concluded their 2009 synod.

Naturally Faux-Cardinal Don Harvey begged me to attend and present an inspirational message of Doctrinal Orthodoxy to the cheerful throng, but unfortunately the event coincided with the three days I had to stay home and wash my hair. After much prayerful consideration, and a vision from the Holy Spirit involving Mounties, lumberjacks, and a hot tub full of hockey jocks, Brother Richthofen and his friends from seminary felt called to go on my behalf.

Here’s a photo they took of a particularly sensitive moment between Canada’s most important Christian and his United States suzerain: as soon as the boys stop making whoo-hoo noises I expect they’ll have more to report…

Anglican Mainstream get Biblical.

A little Anglican Mainstream scriptural exposition:

“But we clearly do not have an account of Jesus going to places specially designated as formal places of obvious sin.”

Bill Muehlenberg, Anglican Mainstream

Which is absolutely correct. Everyone knows Levi the Tax Collector’s house was really the local headquarters of the Galilean Christians for Public Decency League. That's why the Pharisees were so pleased to see Jesus inside, and how they immediately recognized him as one of their own.

I'm Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

Earth calling David Virtue... Come in Mr. Virtue...

Some unkind commentators have used words like “failed property thief” to describe little Don Armstrong. Elsewhere he’s known as Colorado Spring’s most multi-faced progeny since Lon Chaney, while to others he’s simply “the defendant” or “the accused”. However on little David Virtue’s planet Don Armstrong enjoys a rather more salubrious reputation: there he’s “a faithful godly, gospel-preaching pastor”.

Since he was capable of saying that with a straight face I suppose I really shouldn’t have been startled to see Virtue publish the following, but I was...

“I can't imagine his (Bishop Robert O’Neill, Dio. of Colorado) use of trust funds meant for ministry isn't a legal problem itself.”

Donald Armstrong – alleged trust funder user extraordinaire

Who do you all think more epitomizes the spirit of GAFCON – Virtue for posting this, or Armstrong for saying it? And what's the point of trying to make humorous stuff up when folks are coming out with material like this for real?

I’m Father Christian, and not even I can believe these guys…

A bold witness to lift our faith..

I must confess, Dearly Beloved Sinners, that the news of Obama’s health reforms being passed by the House has hurt me deeply. Sure there’s still the very real hope of things not getting through the Senate, but it’s the principle of universal health care that troubles me so. It’s the idea of the great and proud nation that was once America becoming a place where less affluent citizens are not made to suffer needlessly as a result of their inability to afford the kind of health care people in most other countries take for granted which keeps causing my righteous old eyes to brim with tears.

Don’t people realise how important it is to preserve god-given barbaric inequalities? Don’t they even care about the compassionate medical insurance companies’ right to squeeze huge profits out of others’ suffering – albeit with the help of hefty tax subsidies? Don’t they see that making people incapable of paying a decent tithe endure sub-standard treatment and needless agony needs to be at the heart of a Christian nation’s values?

At times of grief such as these I often find comfort in meditating upon the inspirational words and actions of other Bible Believers, and in this instance my mind has been cast back to last May, when, like me, a sweet and honest beauty queen dared to bear witness before a false and deceitful world.

That’s right, who better to contemplate when it seems like there is no truth left in the world than Carrie Prejean; and there’s no shortage of fine Conservative bloggers who help brighten the darkness by recalling her example. Take “PastorBlaster” at ”I Smiteth Thee With the Holy Rock of Truth” (how could I ever have overlooked a blog name that catchy in favor of “GAFCON”???), who reminds us of the “fine outstanding young person who willingly stood tall in a situation where she knew she would be vilified by a liberal media”, who “grew up in an evangelical Christian home in Vista, California and is currently a senior at San Diego Christian College, a small, evangelical liberal arts college located in El Cajon, California”, and who “attends The Rock Church, where she volunteers with their outreach ministries such as Luv-em-Up Ministries in El Cajon, where she volunteers with members with developmental disabilities.”

Or the wonderful show of strength from the gang at Jesus is Lord: A Worshipping Christian’s Blog (another great name!) who so clearly spoke in the Spirit when they said “After the initial fire is past, she will be hugely rewarded by our almighty God! I have a feeling she will be a huge spokesperson in the name of Jesus! Hallelujah!!” – a prophesy confirmed by Christian Girl Advice WeUsed2BU (I swear I’m not making any of these up), who quite correctly say “Carrie and her testimony are like the kingdom she represents—a priceless pearl.”

Honestly, nothing lifts a saddened spirit as thoroughly as being reminded of this woman’s sincere faith. There’s certainly no doubt regarding how blessed the developmentally delayed clients of Luv-em-up Ministries are, and just thinking about her example should make us all feel almost as blessed ourselves. But now you’ll have to excuse me: Bishop Quinine is calling me to go over to his desk and see some pictures and a video he’s just downloaded...

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.