Monday, November 14, 2016

If you don't fight, you lose.

As all My Dearly Beloved Sinful Friends on Facebook know, the golden age of carpetbaggery is once more upon us. Only this time the greenback road leads north to Washington, and everywhere you look campaigners against taxation and government spending like Myself are rushing to ensure themselves a prime position at the trough when the milk of federal pork-barreling trumps forth.

But please don't ever for one moment think Our Righteous Privilege is something to be taken for granted. My less righteous brethren who have thoughtfully bared this breast upon which we are about to sup - and I'm thinking here especially of My Evangelical Admirers, of which there are too many to bother counting once the polls closed - need to be eternally vigilant lest the manna which has been rightfully showered upon their superiors be taken away.

Which is why instead of My planned homily I'm diverting to urge you all to take action immediately! That's right, instead of wasting your time doing something which brings you joy and comfort, like gazing adoringly at My picture, or beating your dachshund while dressing up like James Dobson, I need you all to act.

You see, as I'm sure those of you who can read  - even the women - are well aware Our Dear Leader President-Elect-For-Life Donny has just appointed little Stephen Bannon to a permanent White House play-date. Which means the whiskery round white-supremacist, anti-semitic, misogynist alt-right pinup pictured below shall soon not only be clogging the Oval Office plumbing if and when he ever decides to partake of a little facial debridement, but we'll all be paying him for the privilege.

"And why not?" I hear you as christians (albeit very immature and faithless ones) ask. To which I can in My wisdom only reply "Why not indeed!" But we have a problem. Liberals, Homosexualists, Womon who don't know their place, as well as those who foolishly thing Jesus and the Gospels have something to do with Christianity, are threatening to spoil thing for the Klan's Krazy Komrade.

In fact, I know for a fact that people haven't forgotten Zoe Baird and Kimba Wood; Bill Clinton's two AG appointments who were made to withdraw for failing to pay Social Security taxes. And thanks to this memory they're also impertinent enough to assume Banner's fist-class ticket to the racism's big rock candy mountain isn't a done deal.

That's right - they've been organising. (Forgive My using profanity, but when you come to Me you get Bible Teaching straighter than Liberace in a steam-bath.) Quite shamelessly, I've heard people who don't understand the importance of key roles being gratuitously given to bigoted Princes-of-Ugly are:
  •  Calling all their Representatives and Senators and telling them this is unacceptable.
  •  Preventing Paul Ryan from feigning ignorance by calling his office at (202) 225-3031 and letting him know that this is not ok. 
  • Same with Majority Leader McConnell, (202) 224-2541. 
  • Call out media when they report the Bannon appointment as a straight news story or refer to him as a "Breitbart executive" or a "provocateur," but don't call him what he is: a white supremacist, anti-semite, misogynist.
  • Where protests are ongoing, they make this the focus, with signs, chants, etc. Next week they'll focus attention on other things, but for now their focusing like lasers on this one fact. 
  •  Getting so-called religious groups on board along with mainstream business organisations like the Chamber of Commerce (202-659-6000). 
  • Contacting other people of influence - College presidents, high-profile coaches and anyone else who has a public megaphone.
So, My Beloved Sinners, I'm calling on you to all do the opposite. Call Paul Ryan and tell him your proud he's supporting a supremacist carpetbagger. Thank your representative for getting behind a money-sucking Nazi, and reassure them you'll be letting everyone know of their support. Print pictures of Bannon with Hitler, so nobody can confuse the two. Carry banners of him in a Klan Klown suit, so everyone can see how handsomely it suits him.

In every way possible, let's beat the godless at their own game. I've no doubt Representatives and Senators everywhere will be delighted know you support them - especially those who are female and/or Jewish and call themselves a Republican. (Don't worry - they'll soon be purged just as long as Bannon isn't stopped.)

Meanwhile please nobody try and tell me that Jesus wouldn't have built a wall or picked on people who don't speak American - the language the Bible was written in. Sure he was the Son of God and stuff, but we all know what happened to Him. And he didn't even have a LeerJet!

I'm Father Christian and I teach the Bible.


Rev Willie B. Hardigen said...

As a minister in the Diocese of Sydney, I am thrilled you unscriptural and godless Americans have someone like Mr Bannon to assist your Christian President-elect and his present wife in their God-given task of restoring biblical morality to your wicked nation.. As a racist, misogynist bigot, Mr Bannon conforms entirely to God's Word Written, as espoused by Sydney Anglicans and other anti-semites and homophobes. We in Sydney would like to build a wall around America to keep you people in.

The Rev. Dr. Christian Troll said...

My Dear Rev.,
When in witness protection we actually had the privilege of spending some time in Sydney, which proved to be a most enlightening time upon which I shall further expound at some point in the future. For now suffice it to say I must admit to being disappointed to learn nobody had heard of the Rev. Dobby, and they
were invariably amazed to learn he is actually the most important figure in all Christendom's Southern Hemisphere. Or at leas that's what I believe he claims, and we all know the little fellow never lies.
Bishop Quinine, on the other hand, is still reminiscing about the wonderful parties he held while enjoying the hospitality of Dobby's caravan.

Rev Willie B. Hardigen said...

I am sorry to hear you spent part of your witness protection exiled to Sydney, which has become far too liberal since Mr Jensen was sent to a care home for the insane. I am assuming some people have been trying to assassinate you because of your biblical righteousness. Unfortunately, we Australians don't enjoy the blessings of Capital Punishment in our Calvinist nation. Otherwise we could have executed anyone who threatened you, along with gays,Jews, women and Anglicans who deserve to be put to death.
P.S I'm a good friend of Dobby.

Rev Agatha McTrump (no relation) said...

As a devout British reader, I feel the need to get something off my chests. On a recent visit to his Scottish Golf Course, your President-elect fondled me as we reached the second hole. This traumatic experience leads me to ask you a question. Surely, according to God's Word, Mrs Ivana Trump is the chosen First Lady, the present wife the Third Lady, whilst I am the 56th.