Saturday, August 9, 2008

Lawrence of South Carolina Holds On

You don’t become the World’s Greatest Bible Teacher without hearing just about everything there is a Bishop can say, but a kind, wise and God-fearing member of our internet community has alerted me to the startling latest pronouncement from Lawrence of South Carolina. Here it is in full, since I’ve got to admit that even a Teacher of my experience has problems understanding what the poor man is talking about:

Canterbury, England

I am glad I came here for this Lambeth and worshipped one last time in the Cathedral home of Augustine and Dunstan, Anselm and Becket, Cranmer and Laud, Temple and Ramsay. I had come to speak a word of hope and perhaps to intervene on behalf of our beloved, but in the last resolve the family refused the long needed measures. So he just slipped away, our noble prince, one dreary morning in Canterbury with hardly even a death rattle.

The new prince was born last month in Jerusalem. I was there—arriving late, departing early. I was never quite sure what I was witnessing. It was an awkward and messy birth. He hardly struck me as I gazed upon him there in the bassinet as quite ready to be heir to the throne. I even wondered at times if there might be some illegitimacy to his bloodlines. But that I fear was my over wedded ness to a white and European world. May he live long, and may his tribe increase—and may he remember with mercy all those who merely mildly neglected his birth.

As for me my role for now is clear, to hold together as much as I can for as long as I can that when he comes to his rightful place on St. Augustine’s throne in Canterbury Cathedral he will have a faithful and richly textured kingdom.


So bewildering is this that I even took the rare step of asking my staff for help. Brother Richthofen thought it had something to do with using too much lube (whatever that means), as he says he can relate to noble princes slipping away from him, while Bishop Quinine believes the Rt. Revd. Lawrence might have found some interesting mushrooms growing in the fields around Lambeth. This upset Evangelical Eric, who prefers to deny Bishop Quinine’s vast knowledge of psychotropic substances, but as I keep telling the lad - nobody can come up with the kind of delusions afflicting GAFCON bishops without some kind of inspiration.

Whatever the explanation, in my opinion there’s nothing serious to worry about. His Grace’s vow to “hold together as much as I can for as long as I can” is a normal sentiment for most Bishops, and shows he’s still able to comprehend the most important feature of his office; namely that having managed to land a position of relative authority contrary to all expectations of anyone who’s ever known him, the most important thing is to now hang on with everything he’s got.

My only concern is his talk of “wedded ness”. The man hasn’t taken time out to visit any Lochs in Scotland, has he? And if he did, please tell me he has entered into some sort of inter-special marriage with any cryptozoic life forms he found there. The last thing anyone needs is another Bishop married to a monster.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

7 comments :

Father David Heron said...

His Lordship has obviously taken a leaf out of +Rowan's book. The purpose is to be heard saying SOMETHING; to impress by one's superior intellelect; and to leave ignorant mortals no wiser.
After long textual analysis, we can eventually conclude that it means Jack Shit.

Fred Schwartz said...

Father david heron and the Good Father and high priest Dr. Troll:

I beg to differ with both of you on this issue of Bishop Lawrence:
Father heron, I served with Jack Sh*t. I know Jack Sh*t. Jack Sh*t is a friend of mine. Bishop Lawrence, does not know Jack Sh*t!

(A prayer ascending for Lloyd Bentsen.)

Anonymous said...

I'm certain (we'll as certain as I know they have cheeseburgers/greasy fries at the El Rancho Truck Stop in Bakersfield that clog up blood vessels) that Bishop Lawrence didn't keep far enough away from that BLAZING idiot of a sun/son-of-gun during all them years he was overly exposed at The Episcopal Church diocese of San Joaquin...if he had ONLY listened more carefully to the underlying "context" of them destructive preach'n words...by ebracing the orthodox ideals of the "Blue Bird of Happiness" and other such rot, the soon to be +Lawrence flew way over the edge!

I tell you, stray away from sun stricken crazies...trot away as fast as your little uncloven feet will carry ye...it's spiritually dangerous hanging out with the REAL lunatics on The Canterbury Fringe.

Trust me.

Beward of those who FAIL to use Sun Block number 13!

The Very Reverend Rudyard Weiseldorg-Goodlegs-Tunde

susan s. said...

If you think this one is Jack Shit you should read the other 3 or 4 that he wrote to his flock whilst he was at Lambeth. They can be found at the DioSC website. Google is your friend.

Grandmère Mimi said...

I'm out of character now, so to speak, to leave the word that this is one hilarious post with comments to match. I nearly choked to death. You should have a care for old ladies who visit here. But, I'm sure that you'll admit that you had good material to work with. What a gift! I couldn't hope to make any contribution to the hilarity, so I will only ask, "Who is this Jack Shit whom everyone else seems to know so well?"

Father David Heron said...

Dear Fr Troll
I took Susan's advice and read further epistles from His Grace.
Apparently he went jogging in Canterbury when it was a FULL MOON.
That surely is an explanation for his mental state.

Alan Rogers said...

I don't know what all the fuss is about. Episcopalians are supposed to like "poetry."