Lawrence of South Carolina Holds On

You don’t become the World’s Greatest Bible Teacher without hearing just about everything there is a Bishop can say, but a kind, wise and God-fearing member of our internet community has alerted me to the startling latest pronouncement from Lawrence of South Carolina. Here it is in full, since I’ve got to admit that even a Teacher of my experience has problems understanding what the poor man is talking about:

Canterbury, England

I am glad I came here for this Lambeth and worshipped one last time in the Cathedral home of Augustine and Dunstan, Anselm and Becket, Cranmer and Laud, Temple and Ramsay. I had come to speak a word of hope and perhaps to intervene on behalf of our beloved, but in the last resolve the family refused the long needed measures. So he just slipped away, our noble prince, one dreary morning in Canterbury with hardly even a death rattle.

The new prince was born last month in Jerusalem. I was there—arriving late, departing early. I was never quite sure what I was witnessing. It was an awkward and messy birth. He hardly struck me as I gazed upon him there in the bassinet as quite ready to be heir to the throne. I even wondered at times if there might be some illegitimacy to his bloodlines. But that I fear was my over wedded ness to a white and European world. May he live long, and may his tribe increase—and may he remember with mercy all those who merely mildly neglected his birth.

As for me my role for now is clear, to hold together as much as I can for as long as I can that when he comes to his rightful place on St. Augustine’s throne in Canterbury Cathedral he will have a faithful and richly textured kingdom.

So bewildering is this that I even took the rare step of asking my staff for help. Brother Richthofen thought it had something to do with using too much lube (whatever that means), as he says he can relate to noble princes slipping away from him, while Bishop Quinine believes the Rt. Revd. Lawrence might have found some interesting mushrooms growing in the fields around Lambeth. This upset Evangelical Eric, who prefers to deny Bishop Quinine’s vast knowledge of psychotropic substances, but as I keep telling the lad - nobody can come up with the kind of delusions afflicting GAFCON bishops without some kind of inspiration.

Whatever the explanation, in my opinion there’s nothing serious to worry about. His Grace’s vow to “hold together as much as I can for as long as I can” is a normal sentiment for most Bishops, and shows he’s still able to comprehend the most important feature of his office; namely that having managed to land a position of relative authority contrary to all expectations of anyone who’s ever known him, the most important thing is to now hang on with everything he’s got.

My only concern is his talk of “wedded ness”. The man hasn’t taken time out to visit any Lochs in Scotland, has he? And if he did, please tell me he has entered into some sort of inter-special marriage with any cryptozoic life forms he found there. The last thing anyone needs is another Bishop married to a monster.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.