Unlike forsaken apostate churches and their so-called “ministries”, my internet ministry is proving so successful that I’m planning to extend it with a parish web site, music ministry (naturally performed and sung by myself), and perhaps even some liturgical dancing. As a starter, however, Brother Richthofen recommended I sign up for Facebook, and since doing so yesterday some of you have already met me there. Those of you who have not yet been so blessed need not worry; there’s still time to make friends with the wisest and most righteous Bible-teacher in Christendom. Just click the splendid little Facebook badge in the right side-bar and we’ll be on our way to a degree of virtual intimacy you’d previously only dreamed of.
One of the first by-products of my brave step into social-networking was to encounter none other than the Esoteric Enchantress of the Sultry South herself - Grandmère Mimi. You can read our correspondence for yourself here: as you’ll see I was so bewitched by a heady brew of voodoo and Web 2.0 media that I quite forgot to behave with appropriate distain when reminded that I had indeed forgotten to answer a question she asked some time ago. So with no further ado, and because I am at heart an extremely humble Christian leader of greatness, I shall now belatedly address her dilemma.
It is a distinctly female concern, since it revolves around her feeling torn between two apparently opposing interests. On the one hand our Penitent Pagan Princess wishes to join the Facebook group I want to be banned by Gafcon, too! while at the same time wishing to attend the next GAFCON blunder-fest as an observer for some women’s organization of which she is doubtless a key activist and troublemaker.
Yet in reality there is no problem at all: Global orthodoxy is full of contradictions. Indeed, one might well say these are the foundation stones of our movement. For example: we follow Christ, but we embrace the Pharisees. We believe in love, but we preach hatred. We speak of unity, but spend every waking moment plotting schism.
And the contradictions aren't limited to general principles. Jut look at Big Pete Akinola: he speaks of democracy but rules over his clergy as a tyrant. Ex-Bishop Duncan (my past mistake noted, +Clumber) is doing everything he can to take TEC property, but then accuses the Church of moral bankruptcy. Little Pete Jensen likes to fantasise he’s Cromwell, but then speaks and acts like the Pope. Compared with this lot, dear Grandmère, I’m afraid you don’t even register as a blip on the radar.
What’s more, I’m afraid that given the degree of incompetency shown in Jerusalem the chance of anyone getting the banning thing right next time around is zero. Last time the “not welcome” list was spontaneous: next time they’ll have had years to mess things up. I expect it’ll include Wil E. Coyote and half the cast of Sesame Street, although it’s just as possible someone will decide everyone poses too much of a security risk, and demand sessions are conducted in empty auditoriums.
Besides, any reporter worth their tabloid salt would love to be banned. Just think of the credibility it brings. You’d be remiss if you didn’t try and seek the publicity. Yet wanting to be banned and actually getting banned are two different things, and the reality is few can attain this degree of notoriety – but there’s certainly no harm in trying. That’s why I’m also a member of the group wanting to be banned – and I am the spirit of GAFCON.
I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.