Monday, June 6, 2011

Stand Firm Gets Hard On Excorcism

It has, I am sorry to say, been a long time since little Melanie, Matt, Dobby, and Whats-her-name at Viagraville lived up to their priapic reputation. So long, in fact, that I was just about to send them the name of a good urologist when (undoubtedly in answer to the prayers I never quite got around to offering on their behalf) they appear to have discovered where Matron had hidden the Kool-Aid, and once again managed to get Deacon Wobbly pointing in a roughly vertical direction.

No, I’m not talking about Dobby Ould’s thoughtful presentation of Islamic evangelism. Although given the spectacular inability of his beloved House of Jensen when it comes to winning converts, Dobby’s enthusiasm is really quite understandable: compared with the miserable package he and his fellow serfs of Mordor have to peddle, a religion which merely encourages taping explosives around one’s nether-regions and then self-detonating is an easy sell by anyone’s standards.

Rather it’s little Matt Kennedy’s breathless announcement – “A New Diocese in Formation in the Southwest” – that proves the self-injection kit somebody ordered from an unregistered medical institute in Tijuana is working. Certainly the announcement itself is rather prosaic once the link to the details is followed: eighteen congregations in the dynamic metropolis of West Texas and New Mexico have voted to apply to form their own subset of Bobby Duncan’s sect (as opposed to joining one of the existing subsets – which would of course be unthinkable, on account of there already being at least three Clergy in ACNA not yet appointed as Bishops) , but the dialogue that follows is priceless. Let’s follow the thread:

“Fr. Dale” (obviously one of the aforementioned three) serves:

Why does it appear that there seems to be a lack of transformed lives for those newcomers in our churches?
And “timmysdaman” returns:
I would venture (very related to your post)that at least part of the reason is the lack of exorcisms performed on new members. That used to be a normative part of the discipleship/catechesis process
The subsequent volley is of the standard we once expected from Viagraville; a brilliant exchange with far too many gems to quote them all. Highlights include “I waited 7 years in AMiA to be confirmed… it never happened, nor was it even mentioned once. I would venture a guess that we might find several AMiA clergy that have never been confirmed.” (timmysdaman) and “ I already have an idea for a book that will deal with the failure of the current mental health models to deal with problems the church has outsourced.” (Fr. Dale), but by the time you read this I’ve no doubt many more will have been added (although quite possibly also “moderated” on account of the argument transcending even little Matt Kennedy’s not insignificant threshold of silliness).

But you’ll have to excuse me: a couple have arrived with their baby for a pre-baptism interview, and I can feel My Spirit bearing witness that the very attractive young mother has a Jezebel demon in need of my ministry. While the father, who looks like he may be wearing after-shave, is clearly held captive to ancestral spirits of homosexuality. Undoubtedly his mother had an uncle who was a Freemason. Now has anyone seen my recording of Tubular Bells?

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

24 comments:

Fr Orsen Carte said...

Dobby's exegesis on his terrorist brethren in Sydney is most inspiring. However, his co-religionists at Viagraville have excelled in their recommendation to repent of "blood-guilt". If all Anglicans were exorcised after the many murders, child sacrifices and mass killings they have committed in Kenya, Binghamton and Nigeria it would strengthen GAFCON's liberal, revisionist theology. It is also good to see that Dobby's friends admit they all need a psychiatrist.

MadPriest said...

Exorcism is far less effective nowadays. I blame this on the fact that new demons are not bothering to learn Latin. It used to be a compulsory subject at the Beelzebub Academy. I understand that now most of the students opt for Media Studies.

Mona Lott said...

The Roman Catholic church has problem with "unrepentant pansexuality"? Do you suppose that Mr Ed has been warned about this?

MadPriest said...

Quite honestly, Mona, I think the Catholics may be right on this one. Pan pipes are unpleasant enough to listen to. To use them for sexual gratification is both perverse and dangerous. The possibility of getting splinters in your sphincters is very real and their removal is both painful and embarrassing. Or so I have been told.

Mona Lott said...

Splintering schismatics. Who'd a thought?

Grandmère Mimi said...

Fr Christian, you may need to change the name of your blog to Naughtyville.

Moving on, it's already difficult to enough to keep the sub-sets, the sub-sub-sets, and the sub-sub-sub sets of Bobby Duncan's sect straight. Why more? One is tempted to ask why can't they all just get along.

Matt himself seemed somewhat surprised at the introduction of the subject of exorcism to his comment thread. I think he don't want to go there.

By the way, Fr Christian, do you have a Psychiatrist in your congregation?

MadPriest said...

It's a bit late now, Mimi. I doubt if there is anything they can do. You should have seen one years ago when I first suggested it.

Grandmère Mimi said...

MadPriest, actually I wasn't thinking of myself as in need of the professional's services. I had a friend in mind.

Mona Lott said...

Several friends, perhaps?

MadPriest said...

Well, she is from Louisiana.

Grandmère Mimi said...

The whole truth is that I have several friends in need.

Mona Lott said...

A friend who was a psychiatric health care worker in Durham quit from the strain of overwork and because, she said, "you couldn't teach them a damned thing".

Grandmère Mimi said...

I'm sooo pleased than my grandson switched his major from psychology to computer science engineering.

The Rev. Dr. Christian Troll said...

We do indeed have a most eminent psychiatrist in our congregation, My Beloved Sinners - Dr. Harrisburg, the world's leading (and only) pioneer of neo-Freudian nuclear psychiatry.

Not only is he extremely useful when the electricity fails (on account of the soft green glow he emits), but you'd better believe, Grandmère, that if your grandson heard just a few of Dr. Harrisburg's many case-studies of treating survivors of alien abduction he'd be regretting the change in majors. And that's without even seeing any of the pictures, which we haven't been able to get back from Bishop Quinine.

On the other hand, however, the change will ensure the lad is spared the good Doctor's endless struggle to evade officers from the FDA and State Medical Board.

Grandmère Mimi said...

Fr Christian, as I said, I'm inquiring about the Psychiatrist for my friends, not for myself. And I'd hoped you had a Psychiatrist with a capital 'P', like the folks at Stand Firm, but I'll settle for a psychiatrist with a small 'p' if that's all you have. If you send me his email address, I will ask his advice - for my friends, not for myself. I read somewhere that internet therapy is now the cutting edge.

If you ever get the pictures back from Bishop Quinine, please send them, and I will show them to my grandson. Who knows? He might switch back to psychology, although, IMHO, psychologists fall rather short of Psychiatrists with a capital 'Ps'.

MadPriest said...

Psychiatrists, with a capital "P," have easier access to prescription drugs and therefore it's a very popular career choice for Christians of a charismatic bent.

The Rev. Dr. Christian Troll said...

Dr. Harrisburg's business card does indeed list him with a capital "P", but personally I believe that for Scriptural reasons this honor should be restricted to Priests. Regrettably he doesn't have an email on account of his being sought by Interpol due to allegations that his warming nostrums can be used to manufacture weapons of mass destruction. Drop me a line & for a percentage of his fee I'll pass it on when nobody's watching.

The prescription of pharmaceuticals is undoubtedly one of the areas the Stand Firmers quite rightly bewail as having been outsourced by Apostate Liberal Churches. Fortunately the vast numbers of emails emanating from Nigeria offering such products show Orthodox and True Anglicans are reclaiming the business which is rightfully theirs.

Fred Schwartz said...

It seems to me that exorcism not withstanding, most of the Sit Limp crowd have been using some form of mind altering drug since about 1979. Mr. Schofield talks of his time in outer slabovia fondly.

Anonymous said...

Too loopily fundamentalist for Stand Firm?

So primitive that it embarrasses Matt Kennedy?

These are frightening thoughts.

Grandmère Mimi said...

Fr Christian, thank you for being here for us. If we didn't have you, we'd have to invent you.

Brother David said...

Abuela Mimi, I assure you that knowledge of computers and psychology are not mutually exclusive.

Grandmère Mimi said...

Brother David, you're a living, breathing example that knowledge of computers and psychology are not mutually exclusive.

Leonardo Ricardo said...

¨But you’ll have to excuse me: a couple have arrived with their baby for a pre-baptism interview, and I can feel My Spirit bearing witness that the very attractive young mother has a Jezebel demon in need of my ministry. While the father, who looks like he may be wearing after-shave, is clearly held captive to ancestral spirits of homosexuality. Undoubtedly his mother had an uncle who was a Freemason. Now has anyone seen my recording of Tubular Bells?¨

This may be my all-time favorite--I think I´m going to devote a whole new post, with linkies, to you/this ¨Excorcism¨ handle to enhance my current series: ¨Slaying the Boogeyman¨ which is currently appearing at my blog...love it, mil gracias padre

Brother David said...

Padre C, I am surprised that you have allowed the entire Weiner to get away.