Monday, October 17, 2011

Yesterday’s Poo-poo (Remember Martin Ssempa?)

“Today’s news, tomorrow’s fish wrap.” That’s what my dear old mother always said, although she generally concluded the old truism with an additional line less common in these apostate and wicked times: “the day-after’s basis of a tasty seafood bouillabaisse for which your father’s Curate should be deeply grateful.”

Naturally I’d like to believe My Beloved Sinners faithfully strive to emulate my obsession with the most righteous men in Christendom. Yet the reality is that most of you are no less fickle in your admirations than the average evildoer, and when I make a hissing snake-like “Ssssss” sound all too few you respond by heartily cheering “Ssempa!” Indeed, the name that was a mere sixteen months ago synonymous with the inspiring cry of Eat Da Poo-Poo appears now forgotten as a host of my imitators from Rick Warren down try their hardest to avoid making any mention of their former best friend.

Granted, one can still occasionally find news of the most modest man in Kampala since Idi Amin proclaimed himself “Lord of All the Beasts of the Earth and Fishes of the Sea” – if you only click on one link in my entire homily make it this one - but not even the happy nepotists and house-elves of Mordor, who have gleefully proclaimed Uganda ”the future of evangelicalism” (and you thought the past was miserable?!), seem eager to keep Pastor Poo-poo’s name on everyone’s lips.

Which is why I’m so deeply grateful to the young man who took the trouble to register the Blogspot name Quidra in order to leave a comment on a homily I posted back in June 2010. At the time of his missive’s reception the boy’s profile had been viewed a massive two times: now over a month later I see the count has now already reached five, so he’s clearly on his way to becoming a living global meme for all that Pastor Ssempa represents, and it’s with this in mind that I reproduce his marvelous effort verbatim:

all u people are wrong about this. but if you think you can tarnish pr. Martin's reputation, you have got it wrong. and watch out because our Lord is watching. you may cover your self with titles as fathers but stop taking your flock astray. do not mess with Pr. Martin for trouble awaits you. so watch out.
What more can be said? Although I must add that I doubt it’s possible for anyone to do as much for "Pr." (Prior?) Martin’s reputation as he has himself. As the author’s fine grasp of punctuation, grammar, and capitalization illustrates, Martin Ssempa’s congregation is largely comprised of students at Uganda’s oldest university, which last month was closed indefinitely following industrial disputes by both students and faculty. The parish mission statement (“TO PREVENT AIDS AND MENTOR LEADERS THROUGH CHURCH PLANTING ON AFRICAN COLLEGE CAMPUSES”) summarizes the Great Commission with an eloquence Jesus so obviously lacked. But it’s the fact that little Martin Ssempa’s flock at Makerere Community Church refer to their spiritual gulag as “MCC” that really has our sidesman Professor Sigmund jumping up and down…

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

UPDATE: For a fascinating report on the whole mess of poo-poo that's currently little Martin's life visit GayUganda here.

13 comments:

Leonardo Ricardo said...

Pastor Martin Ssempra, has a Prior engagement at the Uganda High Court these days/daze...seems he must defend his wreckless accusations of extensive ¨buggery¨ and police protected ¨sodomy¨ leveled against, none other than the Archbishop of Yorks BROTHER...Ugandan ´Mega Church´Pastor Robert Kayanja, Brother of John Sentamu, Archbishop of York ¨Pastor Kayanja is very, very strong. His is 'Rubaga Miracle Cathedral'...Ugandan ´Mega Church´Pastor Robert Kayanja, Brother of John Sentamu, Archbishop of York ¨Pastor Kayanja is very, very strong. His is 'Rubaga Miracle Cathedral'...http://leonardoricardosanto.blogspot.com/2009/11/archbishops-williamssentamu-we-are.html Ssempa is such a busy bigot but the only Poo-poo these days/daze is probably found in his own underpants in front of HERE COMES THE JUDGE!

Leonardo Ricardo said...

TELEPHONE RECORDING CAN BE USED AS EVIDENCE IN UGANDA HOMOPHOBIC SMEAR CASE

¨The three preachers- Martin Sempa, Solomon Male and Bob Kyazze are charged with claiming that their fellow preacher, Robert Kayanja sodomised young men in his church.¨

http://www.mask.org.za/telephone-recording-can-be-used-as-evidence-in-uganda-homophobic-smear-case/

P.S. ¨Sempa, Kyazze and Male are the accused in this landmark case in which they and their lawyers, Henry Ddungu and David Kaggwa, together with David Mukalazi and Deborah Kyomuhendo (agents of the accused) face charges of conspiring to injure Pastor Kayanja’s reputation with a homophobic smear campaign. The two lawyers were included for allegedly commissioning false affidavits.¨

Brother David said...

The two lawyers were included for allegedly commissioning false affidavits.

Corruption in Uganda Leo? Say it isn't so.

The Rev. Dr. Christian Troll said...

Couldn't happen to a nicer person.

(Thanks for the links, Leonardo!)

Anonymous said...

A good post, thank you

Anonymous said...

Sodomites-in church? And Anglican church? Next thing you'll be telling me there are Sicilians in labor shakedowns and construction scams!

Lapinbizarre said...

Unless I am much mistook, Dobbie, or some other Imp of Satan, has put yet another spoke in Fr Horace Cope's wheel. FWIW, a significant preponderance of visits to Unthinking Anglicans in the period immediately preceding Fr Cope's latest disappearance, was from a couple of NSW locations.

Anonymous said...

Fr Horoscope must have upset a Cliff Richards fan!

Fr Horace Cope said...

Following in the footsteps of our beloved Fr Troll and St Paul, I have been sent to prison. The Governor has threatened to transfer me to Neutral Bay NSW to endure a life sentence of torment, suffering and Dobby's sermons. My lawyer is on the case and I hope to be back soon.

Lapinbizarre said...

"But as it is! . . . My language fails!
Go out and govern New South Wales!"

Lapinbizarre said...

Peter Ould on Huffington Post, yet.

The Rev. Dr. Christian Troll said...

Although it is only the UK edition... *insert snort of unbridled conservative envy here*

BTW: doesn't "non-stipendary" sound so much better than "unemployed on account of my obsession with matters pertaining to the rectum".

Lapinbizarre said...

Had a quiet giggle about "non stipendiary" myself, Father.

Hadn't realized HP, like any good multi-national, has local subsidiaries.