Monday, April 30, 2012

Ahhh - That's Better!!

To be perfectly honest with you, My Beloved Sinners, the past few weeks have seen me feeling rather flat. No, it’s not that Dr. Harrisburg’s ground-breaking Nuclear Psychiatry (literally so – a team of Russian speleologists have yet to reach the bottom of the crevice which opened up beneath his consulting rooms after the last minor incident with the reactor) has ceased to deliver it’s old familiar warming glow: the cause of my despondency was something much greater than mere radioactive molecular realignment can soothe.

That’s right: I’m talking about the Republicans’ cruel, heartless, and utterly apostate decision to dump Rick Santorum from the Presidential Race. If I hadn’t sold my dear old grandmother’s grave to developers seeking land on which to develop cheap condominiums she’d be rolling in her grave if she could see how her once-grand Old Party turned its back upon the chance to teach those liberal Democrats a thing or two with a Santorum-Bachmann ticket. Although since she – my grandmother, that is, not Michelle Bachmann - probably caused the subsidence responsible for killing several residents and a pair of Mormon missionaries when the entranceway collapsed, as well as for the cracks causing the cheap Chinese cladding to shed asbestos fiber across the childrens’ playground, it’s not as if she’s no longer doing her part to uphold Conservative Republican traditions.

Indeed, things became so glum around these parts that not even a delightful missive from little Matt Kennedy, in which our faux-Kenyan (or was he Ugandan? I can no longer keep up with the neoAfricans' latest canonical nationality-du-jour.) most creatively used little Chuck Murphy’s new Congolese best friends forever as an excuse to gossip about the private affairs of former parishioners, was able to lift my spirits. Although it did serve as refreshing reminder that few things are as effective when it comes to enforcing congregational obedience as threatening to blog about matters shared with one in confidence. And having already broken his Ordination Vows, it’s not as little Matt – or any other faux-clergy – remain bound by archaic notions of clerical confidentiality, do they?

So bad, in fact, did things become - and I’m not proud to confess this to you, My Beloved Sinners, but my repentance would be incomplete were I not to be transparent with you all – that I - yes I – the World’s Leading Doctrinal Warrior – fell into the most pernicious and shameful sin which can ever ensnare any Clergyman. That’s right - I begun spending more time ministering to the people of my parish than sitting in front of my computer screen meandering across the intertubes!

All of which just shows how any of us - even a Righteous Man of God such as myself – can in an instant be taken captive by the Prince of Darkness and seduced into sinning in ways they would normally find repugnant. Evil ways, as it brings me great embarrassment to admit, such as visiting those whom one has been called to serve; even caring for them and - please don’t let any children read this, I implore you - showing an interest in their lives. Or - it would probably be best if any ladies present left the room - helping them experience the love of Christ in every area of their lives!!!

No, My Sinners, the depravity into which I fell was beyond description. Yet - and here I urge you to join with me in rejoicing – all has not been lost, and I now stand before you even more richly cloaked in the gown of Conservative Biblical Righteousness than ever before. For my mojo is back once more, my fingers are flying across the keyboard faster than money-lenders at an evangelical prosperity seminar, and my heart is beating faster than a GAFCON primate with a business-class plane ticket.

And the reason for my deliverance, you ask? Well – aside of course, from own inherent superiority and strength when it comes to overcoming that which would destroy a lesser man's Ministry – the cause of this miracle is nothing more than a humble Jensen house-elf. Although in this case one who is not so much Dobby as Kreacher - albeit less handsome and pleasant of personality, but blessed with a breathtaking sense of his own importance, as well as a total inability to refrain from misrepresenting anyone disagreeing with him (if not just simply attributing to them phrases of his own creation). In other words, a young man who epitomizes every value today’s Conservative Christian Schismatics hold dear! But let me explain…

Listlessly trawling through my once familiar Blogospheric haunts I chanced upon a post at the gentle home of Calamity Jane; a Dreadfully Beloved Sinner who writes from beneath the very shadow of Mordor itself. Wherein I discovered the inspiration for my redemption; a young man slavishly in service of the Lords of Mordor - no, not that young man, but one almost just as dishonest, and quite possibly even more self-opinionated. He was demanding Calamity apologize for a post made some weeks previously in which she suggested an undoubtedly intelligent young woman who serves as an advocate for a delightful variant of Our Lord’s Gospel in which women are eternally consigned to a life of subservience and subjection to the obviously superior goals of men might in reality be - albeit just a little stupid. Or at least profoundly and utterly deceived.

Clicking through to Calamity’s original post brought it all back to my weary memory - I had at the time this was first published left a comment of my own. Not of course, because I will ever admit to seeing anything wrong with Jesus’ message of freedom being twisted into something which controls and subjugates others on account of their gender (or any other God-given trait), but because something in the tragedy that was unwittingly apparent in this woman’s attempt at justifying the consequences of her involvement in the cult of Jensenism touched a part of me which I regret to say has yet - much like our favorite ex-gay campaigner’s sexuality - to fully match my public rhetoric.

In short, I found the Jensenette’s cri de cœur indescribably sad, and I left a comment saying as much. Which, as I ought to have expected, incurred the wrath of some hitherto unknown young fundamentalist man. (Like others, I’ve said this before, but how can I resist noting it yet again – isn’t remarkable how the wrathful internet ejaculations of Biblical Orthodoxy nearly always come from young men??!! No Professor Freud, put your hand down please. We don’t need to hear your explanation again.)

And my goodness, what a special item has this young man – who so delights in the name of George Athas that one of his favorite rhetorical devices involves repeatedly introducing himself – proven to be. Follow our edifying exchange for yourself at Liberal Anglicanism in Sydney… Pie in the Sky if you’re so inclined, and share my wonder at the boy’s total disregard for anything not from his own unique perception of reality. It’s like engaging in dialogue with a painting by Dali. Although absolute self-certainty isn't normally associated with surrealism, and his interpersonal skills incline more towards cubism.

No, little George (who was Ordained Deacon in 2006, so naturally knows everything there is to know about parish ministry, despite never appearing to have actually served in a parish of his own, nor legally ministered his church’s Eucharistic Sacraments, is the kind of person who inspired me to establish the vital internet ministry which is GAFCON, and we are all – even me – eternally indebted for reminding me to leap once more into the mighty fray which is virtual Anglicanism. It’s lads like him who make me proud of my role as the World’s Most Biblical Doctrinal Warrior, and as long as we have them you know there’ll always be a need for me.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

P.S. My muse runs a blog of his own: http://withmeagrepowers.wordpress.com. The title, I believe, is intended to be ironic, so it's probably not a good idea to suggest the reference to "Meagre Powers" might in some way refer to his cult's paucity of any of the qualities normally associated with Our Lord. And should any of you get it into your heads to try and interact with him in any way more meaningful than laying prostrate at his feet in meek and complete agreement... well... just don't say your wise old Father Christian didn't warn you...

18 comments :

David Ould said...

I demand an apology, Troll. Mr Athas is from a long line of sacked OT lecturers who taught me how God wrote the Jewish Bible. Although I have just been sacked myself, you are being ungodly about George who may be dismissed shortly for heresy. I agree he is ugly. My mother says I am as handsome as a Dali painting. You have 24 hours to remove this post. George is one of my best mates. Like me, he is destined for the dole queue after he meets the Jensens' disapproval. You have been warned.

Calamity Jane said...

Fr Troll
Have you read all that Complementarian stuff written by Mark Baddeley at The Briefing because my hubby Norm loves this stuff...especially the bit that says ..."And then some complementarians don’t want women to have no authority... but...be the primary wage earner"...but Norm changed it to the only wage earner!Do I get a say in what Complementarianism looks like oh great doctrinal warrior ?

Ozzie Clumber said...

Father Troll! How good to see you back in print again! I'm sorry that I have yet to get through the whole message of your latest epistle to us. To start with, I'm a slow reader. Adding to that disability, I followed your pointer to the "Faith Among the Ruins" message, and due to a bout of hysterical laughter have been unable to return to your wonderful message to us.

I was amused to read this:

News reached me two years ago last year that the man died suddenly of a heart-attack, unreconciled with his family. I don’t know where he is now.

WHAT? Of course you know where the man is now! He's burning in the fires of hell, putting on sulfur scented after-shave and screaming in eternal torture. Good heavens, if Matt± can't answer the easy questions, then how is he ever going to wrestle with the tougher ones?

Then we get down to this:

These bishops betrayed their commitment to the Rwandan House of Bishops, insulted them publicly, and lied about their purposes twice, bearing false witness against George Conger and Kevin Kallsen who broke the story in the process. And, just like the Episcopal Church, they’ve blamed it all on the Holy Spirit—attributing their sin to God’s direction.

In a healthy Communion these bishops would have no hope of finding another province to receive them, absent full repentance. In the Anglican Communion it took about six months.


Is Alanis Morissette working on a sequel? Surely the Wikipedia entry for "ironic" has a picture of Matt± next to it, doesn't it?

I'm afraid that I've sprayed a combination of kibble and bits all over my screen and keyboard seeing the absurd arguments advanced in the "Faith In Ruins" website. I also get a sense that they are putting far too much energy into trying to outdo each other with their nom de plumes

+clumber

P.S. It just occurred to me that the first fellow in Matt±'s story could perhaps be sitting near me in church now and again, tainting my purity with his evil and sinful ways! Why oh why could Matt± et al not have stoned him to death to prevent the spreading of this travesty? Wouldn't that have been the Christian thing to do?

Anonymous said...

You need to celebrate your diversity.
I personally went to the last service (sorry-"Mass")at the RI Episcopal Cathedral of St. John. There are about 120 members but a lot of them are from Liberia and the other, and often quite well-off churches (sorry-"parishes") of RI didn't feel like celebrating their diversity to the point of actually sharing any of your church's 4 Billion dollars to help them keep their church, their own cathedral, open.

Anonymous said...

Plenty of santorum, if not the man, will always be abundantly present in both the Republican party and in Mainline Protestant precints.

Earl E. Byrd said...

Little Matt's discourse contains, among the attached comments, one pearl of great price:

"'I have no idea what led the Congolese to accept Murphy and his gang of bishops'

A substantial gift of American dollars from an extremely wealthy lady in Pawleys Island, SC — one of Chuck Murphy’s most loyal and generous donors over the years."


"Reasserters" falling out, turning upon one another, and telling the truth can be an inspiring sight.

David Ould said...

Please be aware that the person commenting as "David Ould" is not me. He is an imposter. I'd be grateful if you would remove all comments from David Ould, or I may sue you in the Courts of California and North Korea. The charlatan pretending to be me is a retired priest, whereas I am an unemployed deacon.

smithj1@unisa.ac.za said...

I'm not crazy about men who dump their wives either (I've worked with the wives), but if Matt Kennedy is looking for a church with no rotters in it, he's going to look long and hard. In fact, I have a nasty feeling that churches are for rotters. Like all of us.

Jane (Pretoria, South Africa)

David Ould said...

We allow only godly men to lead our Church and we ban rotters like pushy women and those who practice homosexualism. Sydney Puritans are as pious as layman Mr Matt Kennedy and his lowly wife and 17 children.

withmeagrepowers said...

Hi Troll! Hope you're well, my friend. ;) Hey, don't listen to Dobby. He's just jealous that he's no longer as good looking as me.

The Rev. Dr. Christian Troll said...

And what, pray tell dear little Athass, has brought you into the delusion that I am in any way your friend?

withmeagrepowers said...

Forgive my presumption, Troll. I was just trying to be nice. You are, after all, my neighbour. That's all.

The Rev. Dr. Christian Troll said...

"Trying to be nice... eh? Must be a new and painful experience for you. And since when has the Diocese of Mordor tolerated that sort of liberalism in their house-elves?

withmeagrepowers said...

Just offering a verbal handshake, Troll.

Anonymous said...

"noms de plume', Clumber.

The Rev. Dr. Christian Troll said...

While no doubt a munificent gesture in your part of the world, I'll decline your offer. Apologists for the Diocese of Mordor invariably have too much blood on their hands to make shaking hands a safe practice.

Besides, we've all seen how Jensenists treat their neighbors.

withmeagrepowers said...

The offer is still open...

The Rev. Dr. Christian Troll said...

I've no doubt it is, my dear little house-elf. Your inability to hear what others are saying to you has long beyond dispute.