Thursday, August 23, 2012

Legitimate Stupidity

As every one of the millions of sinners blessed by My Ministry will testify, I am a patient man, and it takes a great deal to make me angry. Little things which could quite justifiably incite homicidal responses in Bible Believers less self-controlled than myself – such as a woman speaking aloud in Church, or an evolutionist being permitted to attend college –generally provoke in me a more measured reaction. Quite naturally I’ll still be the first to stand up for the truth that such blasphemies can only be atoned for by the shedding of blood (namely that of the perpetrator and their immediate family), but all these years as the World’s Leading Doctrinal Warrior have taught me the importance of timing. Sometimes it’s best to contain one’s anger, and faithfully wait upon the spirit for guidance as to the appropriate moment to vent one’s righteous rage. (And, by the way, it’s truly remarkable how often that moment coincides with a time when nobody’s looking…)

Even so, I’m not going to make any secret of my fury with the godless liberal media currently hounding Missouri congressman and would-be senator Todd Akin for simply stating what any Conservative Preacher knows is true: that the bodies of that half of the population without the kind of genitalia necessary for Church Leadership are capable of all sorts of mysterious things, including that “If it’s a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down.”. Although I’ve got to admit that’s one particular biological fact I’ve not before encountered during the course of my dilligent socio-scriptural internet research – I dare say that in Missouri young people’s fellowship talks on boy-girl relations must be a little more explicit than they are here in Ichabod Springs.

Indeed, so widespread has been the attack upon Congressman Akin that even Biblically Christian media like CNN and Fox “News” have been making mountains out of what scarcely qualifies as a molehill. As far as I’m concerned little Tod’s only mistake was that of letting the kind of thing quite commonly said within the corridors of Conservative ecclesiastic power be heard in a domain where people unafraid of thinking for themselves could grab it and run. Which is exactly what the Bible talks about when it cautions against casting one’s swine before pearls. Or something like that.

One humorous thing to come out of all this, however, (or at least it would be humorous were I as a Leading Conservative capable of laughing – as anyone who’s ever read little David Virtue’s “satire” pages will have realized, mirth isn’t an emotion greatly prized in my corner of Christendom) the jeers currently echoing from the mouths of apostates around the world actually reveal how little they truly know. Take, for example, the email I keep receiving which asks “Can the Tea Party really get any dumber than this?” As someone who’s been intimately associated (in a strictly Biblical sense, of course) with a great many Tea Party luminaries I can personally assure every siongle one of the mocking liberals that they really haven’t seen anything yet. After all: let’s not forget how many Tea Partygoers were home schooled – need I say any more?

Nevertheless, there is just one small correction I’d like to make to Congressman Akin’s quintessentially modern-Republican assertion: the poor man appears a little challenged with regard to his theo-linguistic accuracy. In Conservative Theological terms what he calls “legitimate rape” is more accurately termed ”a Deuteronomic Marriage Proposal”. As anyone who’s ever read the work of Bruce Ware and his cohorts at The Council on Biblical Manhood and Womanhood will know, “legitimate rape” is actually just another way referring to Complementarian Marriage.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

P.S. While we’re speaking of Complementarians I’d like to reassure the troubled individual who’s been sending delightfully misspelt warnings concerning my post on the lovely David Ould that he’s completely misunderstood me: I’ve always maintained the Church needs more serial liars in pulpits, and it grieves me deeply that the dishonest little Anglo-Austrian-Australian appears to have still not found a parish willing to subject itself to the unique perspectives on integrity and truth which Our Favorite Deacon has to offer.

Further to which, I’d like to thank the Beloved Sinner from Mordor who sent the very funny account of Dobby unwittingly making a life-long enemy of someone highly influential in that part of the world who just happens to be called “Jensen”. You’re quite right: it is too libellous to be posted here, but thank you for making the halls of St. Onuphrius’ echo with laughter. It does indeed explain a great deal concerning the boy’s current predicament.

Thank you also to the other Beloved Sinner who drew this post to my attention. Titled ”Lying Bastard”, I’ll admit it falls short of really outlining the qualities David Ould can offer a potential employer, but it nonetheless offers a good summary of why I have no qualms about paying so much attention to the testosteronically litigious Deacon from Down-Under. If he didn’t exist I’d have had to make him up.

8 comments :

Leonardo Ricardo said...

Why is it I never fail to feel safe here? Even Bishop Spong´s wisdom doesn´t make me feel this safe. Of course in both of your cases I´ve had to let go of preconceived lies and assorted other perplexing nonsense associated with popular Christmas carolling (and various other mumbling petitions). BTW, please advise who/what and when is the new ABC going to finally sit on the throne of Saint Augustine...it´s been vacant for decades (even though it´s only used for enthronements no one seemed to be in it).

The groovey candidate from Bishopthorpe Palace ought not keep applying by leaping out of any more moving airplanes. The Queen has upstaged all his nonsense by proving that she, and only HRM, is not only the most popular Anglican in the land but spirited and talented and the ONLY head of the Church who is allowed free flight for attention!

Anyone but York if you please.

Calamity Jane said...

Is this another example of legitimate stupidity

Anonymous said...

It is very confusing that you should preach about Todd Akin and David Ould in the same homily. One is a rabid fundamentalist who has become a world-wide laughing stock and is headed for the wilderness of the unemployed. The other is a rabid fundamentalist who has become a world-wide laughing stock and is headed for the wilderness of the unemployed.

Brother David said...

I think good Padre that you might preach on the sin of strip snooker. A very famous Anglican has recently been surreptitiously photographed in his birthday suit over such a game.

Leonardo Ricardo said...

David, you´re really funny ¨the sin of strip snooker¨...thanks, my birthday is tomorrow and I consider you and your mirthmaking a gift (btw, you look great)!

The Rev. Dr. Christian Troll said...

Strip snooker is a sin??????
Since when? A good game has always been one of our annual parish weekend away's highlights. No wonder my Minister's fraternal looked troubled when I suggested it during the course of a seminar on attracting young people to church. Funnily enough, however, after my presentation was over most of them came to me privately and requested a copy of the video we made of last year's competition.

@Leonardo:

[begin momentary break of character]

Few things make me feel as proud as hearing this little corner of the web is a place where those whom the pharisees would see crushed feel safe and welcome. Thank you - it's people like you that remind me in my own hours of darkness that the gospel of hatred shall never prove victorious.

[/end character break - resume general mischief]

I must disagree with your view regarding little Bishop Sentamu's predilection for leaping from aircraft. In fact I have been personally encouraging him to do a lot more of it: it's the act of doing it while wearing a parachute that that I want him to forswear.

As for him ascending to Lambeth, I'll repeat my earlier prediction: not outside of his dreams. There's a limit to how far arrogance, ambition, and tantrums can take anyone.

@ Calamity:
No - that's not "legitimate stupidity". that's just John Richardson. Although I'll admit even I have problems distinguishing the two. What I find particularly amusing about his piece is the way his whine against government intervention directly contradicts his argument against state sanction of gay marriage. Whatever it was the Ugly Vicar learned during his studies in Mordor, it's obviously wasn't logical consistency.
Then again - why doesn't that surprise me?

Brother David said...

¡Feliz cumpleaƱos Leo Rico!

Fred Schwartz said...

Having studied this post for a few days and using your definitions I have come to the conclusion that Akin, Romney, Ryan and most of the Republican party suffer from illegitimate stupidity. This is the kind of stupidity that one contracts whether you have sex or not.