Since it’s Holy Week I suppose I read had better take a moment to generously deliver you all an appropriately edificational biblical homily. Although, to be perfectly honest, this is a time of year in which I can never help feeling annoyed with Our almighty lord on account of all the extra work his undeniably poor scheduling creates for christian Leaders like Myself.
After all; as if things weren’t busy enough with all that’s been associated with My Courageous stance for the Sacred Right of Bible-believers to purchase Firearms unimpeded by any form of check or qualification whatsoever other than, of course, an assurance that the purchaser does indeed know Jesus as their Personal lord and savior, and is prepared to categorically deny having ever felt anything unwholesome stirring in his loins while watching a John Wayne movie. Especially when thinking about the fact that the Duke’s real name was “Marion”.
And then on top of that little Benny Ratsfinger had to go and quit, forcing me to drop everything and fly to the Vatican post-haste in order to profit from the biggest market for man-lace since Bobby Duncan invented ACNA and the Prelacy of All Believers. The last time everyone attended a papal resignation was in 1415, and while I know the cardinals you all saw on TV looked pretty old, you can trust me when I say that not even they had appropriate vestments left over from then hanging around in the back of their closets. Although something tells me that for most of them that’s about all not in there…
All of which just goes to show that if our omniscient and gracious father had shown just the merest skerrick of foresight he’d have had had the courtesy to give us all a bit of a breather between Maundy Thursday, Good Friday, and Easter Sunday. Granted, I can well understand that after lovingly making his son to die in agony for something he didn’t do god was eager to patch things up as quickly as possible before some atheist feminist at the Child Protection Services got wind of the whole affair, but unless government agencies in 1st century Palestine were a whole lot better funded than they are nowadays waiting a couple of weeks before moving on to the resurrection stage of things would have hardly been enough time for matters to progress to the stage where a caseworker has time to start investigating.
That way none of us would have to get up early on Good Friday morning after conducting late night services on Maundy Thursday, and our good-for-nothing Curates wouldn’t be so useless on account of having been made to stay up all night for the Vigil. Then by scheduling the resurrection on a Tuesday two weeks later (but definitely not on a Monday, on account of that being the Vicar’s day off) we’d all be refreshed and ready for another day of serious liturgical festivities. Plus, since things would be business as usual on what is now taken up by Easter Sunday, we would gain an extra offertory on Easter-fortnight Tuesday.
Then again, this kind of disorganization is exactly what we can expect to find when the Bible isn’t taken seriously. I’ve no doubt god is continuously grateful for Teachers like Me who are dedicated to correcting the liberal heresies of the past: you’d better believe that if as disciples had been as suitably prepared as men like Myself and the fine, well balanced, individuals commenting on this matter at Viagraville always are, and carrying concealed firearms under their apostolic robey-things, none of this whole crucifixion thing would have happened. As if any servant of the Sanhedrin could have dragged away my saviour after we’d pumped them full of three dozen rounds purchased in Walmart’s Easter Spring sales.
And now lastly: today marks 400 years since the date John Donne commemorated in Good-Friday, 1613, Riding Westward - a piece which a number of notorious characters to whom I faithfully minister find quite influential. Personally it’s a work I consider vastly overrated (I always say that if Donne and T. S. Elliot were that good they’d have been working for Hallmark instead of churning out all that meaningless egg-headed stuff), and I’m always pleased to find most young evangelicals I meet have never heard of it, while the next generation of Anglo-Catholics are more interested in gazing at their navels while pondering a possible call to the Ordinariate than they are embracing that to which their heritage points towards. Still, as way of seeing just how far we’ve come I’d urge those of you unfamiliar with the poem to read it today. At very least it’ll give you an appreciation of why I’m so confident that in another 400 years the Liberal Immorality of the past will be well and truly forgotten, while the words of Conservative Leaders like Myself and My Imitators shall stand firm for a thousand years.
I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.