Wednesday, January 1, 2014

Happy New Year

Let Me start My first important homily of 2014 by wishing Beloved Sinners ever where a Happy New Year! Wherever you are, whether like Me glorifying god in a Christian nation in which socio-economically challenged families have better access to firearms than medical care, or living in abject socialist depravity under one of those godless regimes which can’t boast of having the industrial world’s highest first-day infant mortality rate, My heart-felt prayer is that the coming year will for you be one of abundant joy, health, and prosperity.

Indeed, you should all be assured this will be a good year, for 2014 has already begun in one of the most propitious of ways: this morning saw the arrival of an email which was not so much spittle-flecked as positively marinated in drool. Trust Me, Beloved Sinners, it was covered in more slobber than a St. Bernard’s favorite squeaky-toy, and epitomized the firm-yet-psychotic style of communication used only by Conservative Evangelicals and the criminally insane.

Driving My correspondent’s impressive spray were recent comments he (why is this kind of nut never female?) perceived Me as making concerning little Stanley Ntagali and the far-sighted nation of Uganda’s recent passing of the Anti-Homosexuality Bill. Impudently and obviously ignorantly claiming I have no knowledge such matters (in reality I was an expert on all matters missionary when this kid’s father was still striving to pray away the “impure thoughts” which ultimately led to his unfortunate conception), the boy suggested I should instead first read a piece by the Rev. Chris Howles, a young Englishman teaching aspiring Clergy at the Uganda Martyr's Seminary, Kampala.

Naturally My first reaction was heed the spirit’s plainly discernable call to track down the boy via his email’s headers, and thence lovingly administer the appropriate correction called for by such rudeness with clear Biblical exegesis, a commercial quantity of wasabi, and a pair of very sharp pinking shears. Further consideration, however, reminded me that this wasn’t the first young man to confuse an excess of testosterone with Christian zeal, and there can be no denying that something about his impotent rage was strangely exciting in a purely Biblical way. So instead I clicked over to see what someone with a whole two years experience with everyday Ugandan life had to say. After all, who could possibly have a better understanding of African society than a white tertiary-educated westerner peering through the windows of a seminary?

Like any True Conservative, before reading something I always first want to see who likes it. That way I can know whether what I’m about to read is good or bad, and whether it will be in My best interest to be seen as either praising or condemning it. So you can quite naturally appreciate my delight at seeing the second-from-the top comment came from none other than a euphoric little David Ould. As even the most Wicked of you understand, anything receiving accolades from a man so trustworthy worked as an accountant and can still find nothing reprehensible about the Jensens’ financial shenanigans has got to be good.

Sadly though, I’m afraid to say Rev. Howles’ essay failed to live up to the high expectations engendered by such irresistible titillation. In fact the young and evangelicaly toothy pedagogue’s thesis can be reduced into just one delightfully racist premise: that western Christians aren’t responsible for the natives’ hatred of homos – this act of the Ugandan parliament is actually just a hang-over from the dark days before missionaries came, when the people of Uganda were merely ignorant heathens.

That Howlers fails to mention that the three major proponents of the bill - “Family” member and western-educated politician, David Bahati; Californian writer and certifiable whack-job Scott Lively; and my dear old friend and correspondent Martin “Eat da Poo-poo” Ssempa – all enjoyed extensive western educations and are about as deeply immersed in traditional African culture as the Klan surely should in no way be seen as detracting from his argument.

Or at least not detracting too much.

Maybe.

Besides, he does get around to touching on these three wise monkeys way down in comment #59, although going on to say that his argument stands because “only one of them is a westerner” (while ignoring their educational backgrounds and financial supporters) probably doesn’t really add the air of probity to his work that he’s clearly convinced it enjoys.

Still, there’s always a bright side. Knowing that the next wave of Ugandan religious leaders are being trained in reasoning just as corrupt and morally bankrupt as the current regime, under the guidance of teachers just as specious as those who delivered us Orombi et al, shows spouting homophobia will remain a fast track to a Bishop’s hat (albeit one of dubious authenticity) for many years to come. And in the meantime anyone in Uganda who’s ever felt so much as the slightest yearning to dance on the other side of the hall would be wise think about taking an extended international trip.

Now.

Please.

Call me old-fashioned, but when Amnesty International starts getting worried about your safety it’s always a good time to move on. Or else the coming year might not be so great after all. No matter how many idiots send you an email on January 1.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

16 comments:

An Ignorant Ugandan said...

Whatever virtues toothy Mr Howles' views may have, they receive the kiss of death when endorsed by grinning evangelical David Ould. Like a slobbering St Bernard, Ould drowns Howles in the spittle of absurdity and pomposity. Rev Howles will regret having Dobby as a bedfellow.

Chris Howles said...

Excellent! I'm the author of the blog you speak about here, Chris. I shan't bother reacting to most of this, because defending myself against random accusations of homophobia and racism against anonymous bloggers are not worth the time, but let's get down to the real issue here...

I'm not toothy! Not on the Joel Osteen levels anyway... I'd like to think that, in that photo, I was simply 'happy' rather than 'toothy'.

Thanks for giving me and my friends a good laugh. What you say is absurd, but I must admire your writing style and good humour. It is a fun read, seriously.

Priscilla said...

Chris, I look forward to your reporting at the first public executions of homosexuals. Your crack, concise style should help those of us Christians who are a bit squeamish about state-sponsored murder overcome our distaste and see the conservative justification of torture, imprisonment, and death as godly remonstrations borne out of love, eh? You and your friends will have great laughs as the homes scream in agony, I'm sure. . . . All for God, all for orthodoxy, all for love of the "sinner", eh?

The Rev. Dr. Christian Troll said...

Reverend Howler! It is a rare thing indeed for one as important as Me to feel honored by anyone's presence, but your patronizing recognition of My many and obvious talents has given us all a wonderful insight into what your students must experience on a daily basis.

And no, from an oral perspective (is it still legal to use the word "oral" where you are?) obviously you aren't in Joel Osteen's league. But don't take it personally: you're doing very well for an Englishman, and god didn't love you enough for you to be born an American.

A Witch (Teeth) Doctor said...

As a dental surgeon, I think I'm qualified to comment on Rev Howler's evangelical smile. In Uganda, most homophobic bible-believers have enormous white gnashers. Mr Howler wouldn't look out of place grinning at a homosexual's execution

Susan Marriott said...

I am somewhat confused by Priscilla's comments - I must conclude she hasn't read the blog post Chris Howels wrote. I would encourage any serious reader of this blog/comment thread to read the original blog - it doesn't at all read as the comments would suggest!

The Rev. Dr. Christian Troll said...

No, No, No Mrs. Marriott!
You are attempting to teach the Beloved Sinners who come here thirsting wisdom. This is a Biblical blog, and what you are doing is in blatant contravention to how I and My Conservative imitators choose to profitably interpret Scripture.

If there is anything of an instructional nature you wish to offer here you should first submissively present it to your husband, who has then been appointed by virtue of his genitalia to decide whether it is worthy of further publication. If he decides it is he must post your words as his own so as not to lead anyone reading into Apostasy and Liberalism.

Priscilla said...

Susan, I read the blog post. I don't accept Mr. Howler's claims as being honest or even sensible. I was mocking him. I know that humor is very challenging for those on the conservative side of the aisle so I apologize for any confusion.

And I do look forward to hearing Mr. Howler explain how the torture, imprisonment, and execution of homosexuals in Uganda is really all about him and making HIS religion look bad and those nasty Westerners better stop feeling sorry for the gays and start feeling sorry for the Christians!

In other words, Mr. Howler's column is a classic exemplar of a privileged person claiming the pain and suffering of those they oppress in order to steal back the spotlight to their privilege. It doesn't get any more obvious, does it?

Chris Howles said...

Rev Christian, you are to be congratulated! You have recruited (created?) a little group of disciples every bit as charming and rational as your good self! What a merry band of trolls you all must be.

I wish you and Priscilla well for the future and hey, if I ever want to have sensible, fruitful, and intelligent on-line conversations again in the future, then I know where to look!

Yours warmly, Mr (not Rev, I'm afraid) Chris 'Toothy' Howles

Mr Colgate said...

It is important to note that Mr & Mrs Howler BOTH have perfect evangelical teeth. This will ensure their offspring have biblical smiles once their milk teeth have dropped out. There is nothing finer than a beaming grin to conceal a lurking suspicion of wicked liberals, homos and pushy women.

The Rev. Dr. Christian Troll said...

My dear little Howler - you cheeky layman - I just knew you'd be back to leave another comment. For reasons most of us here find extremely funny your type invariably find leaving comments on this little corner of the internet like eating pretzels: you can simply never stop at one.

Alan Rogers said...

Why hasn't anyone thought of this?:

http://britishfood.about.com/od/eorecipes/r/faggots.htm

A perfect segue to the executions, and a remedy for a poor local economy and world hunger!

The Rev. Dr. Christian Troll said...

"And as a special treat everyone is invited to the rectory forf dinner next Tuesday night, where we will be serving faggots." Your find has given me the all-time best and unbeatable line to try slipping into the parish announcements one day ;-)

Honestly, Howler might insinuate that all those daring to question him here are sock-puppets, but no one person could ever come up with finds as diverse and brilliant as all of you do so consistently here!

A Post-Faggot Twin said...

I used to enjoy the occasional faggot until I realised they lead to an obese life-style. As a bible-believer. I now suck only on frankfurter sausages.

Alan Rogers said...

Hannibal Lecter is my hero!!!!

Alan Rogers said...

p.s. Thank You, Father Christian for your approbation of my fledgling literary hobby. Soothes my aching heart after repeated deletions of my posts over at Viagraville...
One wonders, however, if my recipe post would have gone viral over there. Some of Sarah's cronies suggested at one point, that she would like to eat my liver on a stick: a prophecy that would have surely come true, had we sat together at the premiere of Silence Of The Lambs.
In all seriousness, this could turn into a new financial venture. A cookbook for the Stand Firm viewers! It could surpass Larousse Gastronomique in sales!!!!
TaTa! A