Evangelical Eric Hears the Call.

After several years at St. Onuphrius’ Evangelical Eric, my utterly useless and shamefully foolish Curate, has announced his intention to leave us to serve as a Missionary. Naturally I’ll be sorry to see him go, since replacing a Curate is never easy when one’s parish has a history of spontaneous diaconal combustion, and I really have much more important things to do with my time than interviewing young men at that stage of their career when they still believe Ministry has something to do with making the world a better place.

Certainly there’s been times when I’ve had to speak harshly to the imbecile, but there can be no denying he has proven a useful Ministry asset: as an Evangelical he was ideally equipped to develop a positive rapport with our Patriots for Palin Fellowship (formerly known as the “Happy Tuesday Mornings Intellectually Disabled Kraft Klub”), and by participating in a number of experiments deemed too cruel and dangerous for laboratory animals he assisted in establishing an extremely profitable relationship between the Parish and our Community’s leading business group: the Ichabod Springs Pesticide Manufacturers Association.

Consequently should he wish to return before we’ve managed to replace him with someone equally stupid (no easy task) his hammock in the chicken shed at the bottom of the garden will always be available. Still, it would be remiss of me not to encourage him in this exciting new phase of his Ministry, and so I have personally undertaken to offer him guidance and assistance in his courageous move to the mission field.

Initially the lad was dreaming about preaching to dusky bare-breasted maidens and handsome smiling warriors on a tropical Pacific Island, but after prayerfully considering his future both Bishop Quinine and myself realized the Lord is actually calling him to boldly deliver the Gospel to a Taliban training camp in the mountains of Northern Pakistan. We have therefore faithfully arranged his transport, including the hire of a donkey to carry his possessions on the nine day trek from the nearest airfield, and believe me, those tribesmen know how to drive a hard bargain. Being deeply spiritual men they foreswear all contact with western currency, and this final stage of the journey has alone cost me three autographed pictures of Consuella’s Pole-Dancers and an old Madonna video.

Still, it’s not as if one can ever put a price on telling heathens they’re going to hell. Even if, as I have already said, his departure will be an awful inconvenience - I’m just proud to have been called to do my bit to help. Of course that doesn’t mean there’s any justification to waste important ministry assets on frivolities like language classes for the boy. Despite Eric’s naïve eagerness to learn the local language, I’ve successfully convinced him there’s no need, since like all foreigners Muslim terrorists are happy to speak English, and can invariably understand if one just speaks loudly enough. We will, however, be packing his bags with some helpful Danish bible tracts which are sure to excite everyone he meets, and to help him fit in better I’ve also arranged for a passport in a more Arabic sounding name: Allah bin B’ush. Well it was that or Salman Rushdie...

I'm Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

Eat Da Email (Martin Ssempa & me)

From the the moment I first heard the delightful little Martin Ssempa demonstrating the peaceful and rational expository for which Ugandan Biblical Conservatives are now famous I knew we needed to invite him to head the lineup at this years St. Onuphrius’ Conference. Indeed, when I suggested Ssempa’s name to my Ministry Team, Bishop Quinine became positively incontinent with excitement, begging me to do everything within my power to get the man now known around the world as “Mr. Eat Da Poo Poo” to appear as our star speaker. Or to at least send his famous audio-visual presentation for closer study.

After emailing an invitation to ssempam@gmail.com I was disappointed to hear nothing for several weeks, and sent the following courteous reminder:

Dear Pastor Ssempa

It has been over a week since I contacted you, and still we have not as yet received any response. Should you be for whatever reason unable to accept our offer it would be appreciated if you or one of your staff could at least have the courtesy to let us know.

Yours in Christ,
Father Christian

Another week passed, and then this arrived - reproduced here verbatim:

Dear Father Christian,

Salutations to all those at Ichabod springs who are thirsty for a word from Pr. Ssempa.

We note your invitation which came with promises of money and much publicity. This is exactly how the devil tempted Jesus with offers of money and much publicity in Matt 4.9 .It is self evident there is a lot of carnality in your way of thinking.

We ask that you ask you parishioners to read 1 Samuel 1-3. Please Father Christian order all the your parishioners to go into a time of prayer and fasting (see book of Ester) for 40 days then please write back to us. Also read Rev 2 and 3 for a message on your condition.

Repent and be saved.

Pr. Dr. Martin Ssempa

Now mingling in the upper-echelons of Christian Conservativism has given me vast experience in dealing with the jumpy and paranoid, but even so I am at a complete loss to explain how he arrived at Matthew 4:9 in response to my original assurance that St. Onuphrius’ would pay for his flight. After all, it’s not as if we offered to fly him in Akinola-class, nor to foot the bill for a cute young luggage-lifter to join him.

My initial reaction was to respond with a gentle caution that the foolish little copraphage should start taking Leviticus 19:32 as literally as he takes other parts of Scripture lest he discover there are worse leaders to annoy than Rick Warren, but Consuella persuaded me to put my machete away and calm down. “After all”, she said, “perhaps there’s just a little cultural misunderstanding going on here.”

So heeding her advice, I wrote another polite letter reassuring Twitchy Martin that we had absolutely no intention of offering all the riches in the world in return for him bowing down before us in worship (an image which, I’m sorry to say, my Curate obviously found arousing). Indeed, I was so courteous that I didn’t even mention that in leaving the “h” out of Esther he had clearly omitted something from the text of Scripture, and as such Revelation 22:19 makes it quite clear he has been dammed in perpetuity. No, I was gracious and friendly – something his response several days later shows he most certainly didn’t deserve:

Dear Mr. Troll and the Ichabodites

I regret to inform you again that your invitation has been rejected with the scorn it truly deserves. I ask that you dont write to me again as it will constitute an unwanted harrassment.

Yours Sincerely,

Martin Ssempa PhD

What could I say?

Layman Ssempa

The St. Onuphrius' Ministry Team, Wardens, and Congregation, are bewildered by your rudeness. Have you recently eaten something unpleasant?

Fr. Rev. Dr. Christian Troll PhD

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

A Biblical Perspective on Mitregate.

Forgive my absence, Beloved Sinners, but the past few days have seen our parish internet account suspended as the result of an entirely unfounded accusation that somebody here had been sending threatening emails to the local Baptist congregation concerning their intention to hold a week-long sheep-stealing outreach.

Naturally I strongly disputed the entirely base and scurrilous complaints, and to prove I bore absolutely no ill-will to his blatant attempt at theft evangelistic zeal I offered my utmost support. Indeed: entirely unasked (but guided by the spirit, of course) we assisted by parking a van outside the crusade, and offered those attending all the beer they could drink and a free vuvuzela.

It would be a gross understatement to say my brilliant initiative proved overwhelmingly popular with young people, who in arrived in such numbers that the Baptists have been forced to shut down their mission after only two days. What’s more, out of gratitude their Senior Minister personally undertook to see all complaints regarding our emails were withdrawn in return for my promise that Brother Richthofen’s Friends from Seminary will release his Youth Pastor relatively unharmed. Which I’m sure they will do just as soon as the dear boy stops speaking in what sounds like Hungarian, and regains his ability to blink.

All of which shows just how well believers of different persuasions can co-operate when a Biblical Conservative of my stature is in charge, even if one of the parties isn’t actually Christian. With all the fuss over Mitregate I’m expecting at least one of the parties will be calling for my assistance any moment now. Not, of course, that this latest tiff in the Communion is anywhere near as serious as the challenges I’ve recently faced.

That’s because as far as I can see the whole problem revolves around the Presiding Bishop having been discriminated against - in this instance because she is differently-genitalled to ++Cantaur’s personal predilection when it comes to Prelates. To which a one can only respond “What’s the problem?” Discrimination occurs all the time, and as long as it doesn’t affect me people should simply get over it.

Were Tiger Woods, for example, be prevented from playing at a British course, but instead only permitted to participate as a caddie, I very much doubt anyone would make the slightest fuss. Or if instead of competing at Wimbeldon, the Williams sisters were only allowed to fetch Caucasian players’ drinks, does anyone honestly believe there’d be any outcry? And I’m sure big Pete Akinola doesn’t give so much as a second thought when told that on account of his ethnicity he must refrain from travelling anywhere near the front of the bus. So what’s so different about a democratically-elected woman called to leadership by God being treated like a second-class servant?

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

Bobby's compromise (and Matt's new job).

As everyone knows, when it comes to little Bobby Duncan’s sect there can be no question about Matt Kennedy and I having always been in complete agreement. Consequently it should come as no surprise to anyone that I heartily endorse the firm stand our boy from Binghamton has been taking over Bobby’s shameful compromise of the Nicene Creed.

Now please don’t get me wrong; when it comes to worshipping with bearded foreigners wearing funny hats I’m the last person to ever cause anyone offense, but last time I looked Article VII of the blessed 39 stated “The Nicene Creed… …ought thoroughly to be received and believed”. Which, as even those among you who were home-schooled by evangelicals should be able to see, makes no reference to “editing and leaving out the prickly bits when meeting with dubious former communists”.

Indeed, one of the reasons I have always been so strong in my support for ACNA was that aside from legalising property theft I’d dearly hoped the new church would continue in obedience to a literal understanding of the Scriptures by campaigning for the reintroduction of slavery, as well as forcing rabbits to once again chew cud in accordance with Leviticus 11:6. Now I am instead shocked to see all the most important canon of the Third Council of Toledo (I’ll bet you had no idea Ohio featured so prominently in Church History) thrown out the window. At this rate it can only be a matter of time, as I’m sure little Matt will agree, that we see Canon 23 from that same decisive council also thrown in the dust – at which point people will once again be blind to the terrible sin of wailing at funerals.

Mind you, none of this is as shocking as young Matt Kennedy’s new side-line. I knew that having to give back the money he tried to steal has left him short for a dollar, but he was the last person I expected to find while researching the Chippendales male strippers web site. See for yourself…

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible..

The oily bird catches the firm.

With the Gulf of Mexico currently greasier than an ACNA “bishop” wooing potential schismatics, it’s been disappointing to see my fellow Biblical Christians to miss this marvelous opportunity to blame something else on liberals and homosexualists. As my Facebook friends will know, I’ve been far too preoccupied with putting together a consortium to buy Blackwater (little Phil Ashey might enjoy blowing things up behind people’s backs, but if we can pull this one off I’ll be firing bazookas in their faces) to waste time on peripheral tasks like teaching and caring for the flock with whom I have graciously permitted Our Lord to entrust me.

At least a certain Alaskan animal lover has sought to maintain Conservative standards of logic by holding environmentalists responsible for a little petroleum industry incompetence, but her theological counterparts have remained relatively silent. Consequently I am left with no alternative than to tear myself away from the important task of purchasing my own private military company (the Durham Cathedral staff will regret ignoring my emails when the helicopters full of mercenaries land – wont they?!) to address this alleged ecological disaster.

In so doing I must first make clear that I don’t believe I’ve ever actually met a homosexualist in person. Brother Richthofen’s Friends from Seminary always laugh when I tell them this, and sometimes even try to see if they can trick me into thinking they’re partial to punting from the Cambridge end, but of course I’m much too wise to be fooled by their gay little pranks. Bishop Quinine, on the other hand, might well be correct when he insists that while taking the parish hounds out for their evening walk he’s met one or two behind the sports field change rooms, but whenever I’ve been down there at that time I’ve only ever met charming young men wishing to offer their telephone numbers and meet later for personal Scriptural instruction. Or at least that’s what I assume they’re seeking, though one did offer to help lift my luggage next time I travel.

Therefore I’ve got to admit that like little Martin Ssempa (perhaps this clip is better) I’ve not much first-hand experience of what such people do when not becoming Bishops in New Hampshire and Los Angeles, or perhaps presiding over Mass at Walsingham Shrine, but thanks to my extensive research in the academic literature produced by Larry Flynt Publications and the descriptively named Specialty Publications I can with absolute certainty state that oil plays a key role in homosexualist practices.

Indeed, I have over the years accumulated countless images of young men and women with their writhing nubile bodies coated in the stuff as a prelude to sin, and there can be no doubt that the same people are now attempting to seduce the American public into sharing these perversions by coating seashores with viscous lubricants clearly intended to inflame passions better left dormant until the privacy of a confidential pastoral session with their Senior Minister.

Just see how the liberal media keep making a fuss about a few creatures with beaks marinating themselves (after all, if oily things with feathers really posed a problem KFC would have been shut down years ago), while ignoring the obvious temptation this new ease of access to lubrication presents to young people. No, My Beloved Sinners, this is not so much an ecological crisis as it is a moral one. Thankfully there exists at least one executive who appreciates the Gulf Oil Spill is fundamentally a crisis of morality and ethics: a Mr. Stewart Broom who is Director of Business Ethics at a delightful little firm by the name of “BP”. I’ve no doubt you’ll all be edified by the following excerpt from a paper he delivered a few years ago entitled Raising the bar: business ethics in practice:

“ Well at BP we have chosen to put ethics high on our agenda. It's not because we have more ethical problems than most large companies. It's not because we're unusually high-minded.......

Rather it's because we think it's the right place to be -for our employees around the world, for our partners, for our industry, for the communities in which we do business, for our reputation and performance today, and for our future tomorrow.

Why it matters: What does a company like BP mean by "being ethical"? Well, our definition has a practical focus but it's underpinned by a belief in honesty, respect for others, integrity and transparency - moral values in other words.”

Isn’t it comforting to know that if BP can’t afford to keep paying this fine gentleman he’ll have a wonderful future in Bobby Duncan’s sect?

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

++Jefferts Schori Follows My Lead

Once again my bold and unflinching ministry has inspired other less distinguished leaders to also speak out. In this case my courageous previous homily concerning the Archbishop of Canterbury’s Pentecost letter has clearly inspired Presiding Bishop Jefferts Schori to write a response of her own.

Naturally I’ve been far too busy to read it myself, and in any case as a Conservative I don’t believe it’s ever scripturally appropriate for a woman to teach a man anything: even as a child I was adamant about importance of interpreting 1 Timothy 2:12 literally, which probably explains why I wasn’t toilet trained until my late teens. Still, Consuella insists I commend the Primate’s response (or, she says, you should at least read this summary of it) to those of you with fewer scruples concerning listening to plain common sense from the mouths of those not blessed with the fleshy appendage so necessary for Biblical Christian ministry. What I do know, however, is that ++Jefferts Schori has failed to recognize one of the most obvious aspects of ++Cantaur’s epistle: that he was clearly writing it with church growth in mind.

You see, My Beloved Sinners, that not only is my ministry Doctrinally Pure, it’s also pastorally relevant on account of the countless hours I spend out and about in my local community ensuring my finger is on the pulse (in addition to other anatomical features) of men and women in the street. As a result I can state with absolute authority that reducing Episcopalian Church’s status on the Inter-Anglican Standing Commission on Unity, Faith and Order to that of “consultant” is a move which will have unbelievers flocking to fill unwarmed pews.

That’s because even though most people I stop and question are initially too busy to offer more than a friendly “Beat it, you corrupt old weirdo”, after showing them counterfeit law-enforcement id and a silenced magnum .44 they are invariably only too happy to assist in my research. Indeed, with interrogation increasing numbers have recently been explaining that the reason they’ve failed to attend Church with the same diligence as their forebears is that they’ve until now been appalled at ++Cantaur’s refusal to take decisive action over those Provinces refusing to abide by the ancient god-given tradition of lying about Bishops’ sexuality. Further careful leading generally inspires them to continue by disclosing that the thing which has made them particularly disgusted is that in spite of these apostate Churched being quite blatant in their determination to place the compassion and love of Christ ahead of the noble legalism of the Pharisees, the Anglican Communion has continued to permit these churches to enjoy full membership and voting privileges in Inter-Anglican Standing Commission on Unity, Faith and Order.

Yet when then informed of ++Rowan’s recent epistle the same unbelievers (or at least those not rendered mute and incontinent with fear) continue by insisting they will return to the arms of the Church they have forsaken, after which they hand me their credit cards and valuables as sign of the changes worked in their spirit.

No, there can be no denying the truth: people can say what they like about Archbishop Rowan Williams, but his response to the apostate Episcopalian Church is unquestionably one which will draw the great unwashed back in hitherto unimaginable multitudes. Right after the “formal ecumenical dialogues such as those with Orthodox Churches or the Roman Catholic Church” cause everyone in Rome, Moscow, and all those other places that are either broke or on the brink of civil war to repent and become Anglicans.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

My Baby Wrote Me a Letter.

As regular readers like Dobby Ould and little Matt Kennedy will testify, if I can’t say something nice about someone I don’t say anything at all. That, combined with the fact that there’s no way I’m going to risk offending the man with the funniest eyebrows in the Church of England until I know for certain that he’s signed off on my appointment as Bishop of Durham, means until now I’ve refrained from commenting upon his recent epistle to the Anglican Communion.

Still, My Beloved Sinners, you must never think that I’m deaf to your desperate pleas for enlightenment. Consequently it is with a heart for ministry ahead of a head for occupational advancement that I find myself called to comment – and let me tell you, as the World’s Most Conservative Christian I cannot in any way support to Archbishop Rowan’s sanctions against those provinces so apostate they’re prepared to appoint as Bishops men and women who refuse to lie about their sexuality, or to marry couples called by God to live as one. That’s because the core of his response to those Churches holding the outrageous notion that God doesn’t want us to hate and persecute those people seeking to live faithfully as they were created is to change their status to that of consultant.

Now as anyone who’s ever been involved in business or politics knows, it’s the consultants who make the real money. Look at all the great moments in history: when the White Star Line built a ship capable of sailing full steam ahead through an ice field, when the space shuttle engineers decided cheap seals would be good enough, or when President Bush invaded Iraq – in every case you can guarantee consultants were paid top dollar for their advice. Then later, when things didn’t turn out quite as expected – say for example with Senator McCain’s brilliant choice of running mate - who was it who made a fortune sorting out the mess afterwards? That’s right – consultants again!

So why on earth the Archbishop of Canterbury wants to reward TEC by appointing them as consultants completely escapes me. I thought the idea was to punish them, not reward them. This way when things don’t work out so well (and let’s face it, not even ++Rowan honestly believes his ecumenical councils are going to convince Benny Ratzfinger to start incorporating the XXXIX Articles into his weekly Vatican homily) the Epsicopal representatives will be able to say in all honesty that the failure had nothing to do with them. Before then, like all good consultants, submitting another hefty invoice for burying the failed plan and talking up a new one. It's almost enough to make this Doctrinal Warrior start pretending to be a liberal in order to score a cushy appointment getting thrown off the Standing Commission on Unity, Faith and Order.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.