++Jefferts Schori Follows My Lead

Once again my bold and unflinching ministry has inspired other less distinguished leaders to also speak out. In this case my courageous previous homily concerning the Archbishop of Canterbury’s Pentecost letter has clearly inspired Presiding Bishop Jefferts Schori to write a response of her own.

Naturally I’ve been far too busy to read it myself, and in any case as a Conservative I don’t believe it’s ever scripturally appropriate for a woman to teach a man anything: even as a child I was adamant about importance of interpreting 1 Timothy 2:12 literally, which probably explains why I wasn’t toilet trained until my late teens. Still, Consuella insists I commend the Primate’s response (or, she says, you should at least read this summary of it) to those of you with fewer scruples concerning listening to plain common sense from the mouths of those not blessed with the fleshy appendage so necessary for Biblical Christian ministry. What I do know, however, is that ++Jefferts Schori has failed to recognize one of the most obvious aspects of ++Cantaur’s epistle: that he was clearly writing it with church growth in mind.

You see, My Beloved Sinners, that not only is my ministry Doctrinally Pure, it’s also pastorally relevant on account of the countless hours I spend out and about in my local community ensuring my finger is on the pulse (in addition to other anatomical features) of men and women in the street. As a result I can state with absolute authority that reducing Episcopalian Church’s status on the Inter-Anglican Standing Commission on Unity, Faith and Order to that of “consultant” is a move which will have unbelievers flocking to fill unwarmed pews.

That’s because even though most people I stop and question are initially too busy to offer more than a friendly “Beat it, you corrupt old weirdo”, after showing them counterfeit law-enforcement id and a silenced magnum .44 they are invariably only too happy to assist in my research. Indeed, with interrogation increasing numbers have recently been explaining that the reason they’ve failed to attend Church with the same diligence as their forebears is that they’ve until now been appalled at ++Cantaur’s refusal to take decisive action over those Provinces refusing to abide by the ancient god-given tradition of lying about Bishops’ sexuality. Further careful leading generally inspires them to continue by disclosing that the thing which has made them particularly disgusted is that in spite of these apostate Churched being quite blatant in their determination to place the compassion and love of Christ ahead of the noble legalism of the Pharisees, the Anglican Communion has continued to permit these churches to enjoy full membership and voting privileges in Inter-Anglican Standing Commission on Unity, Faith and Order.

Yet when then informed of ++Rowan’s recent epistle the same unbelievers (or at least those not rendered mute and incontinent with fear) continue by insisting they will return to the arms of the Church they have forsaken, after which they hand me their credit cards and valuables as sign of the changes worked in their spirit.

No, there can be no denying the truth: people can say what they like about Archbishop Rowan Williams, but his response to the apostate Episcopalian Church is unquestionably one which will draw the great unwashed back in hitherto unimaginable multitudes. Right after the “formal ecumenical dialogues such as those with Orthodox Churches or the Roman Catholic Church” cause everyone in Rome, Moscow, and all those other places that are either broke or on the brink of civil war to repent and become Anglicans.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.