Sunday, June 13, 2010

The oily bird catches the firm.

With the Gulf of Mexico currently greasier than an ACNA “bishop” wooing potential schismatics, it’s been disappointing to see my fellow Biblical Christians to miss this marvelous opportunity to blame something else on liberals and homosexualists. As my Facebook friends will know, I’ve been far too preoccupied with putting together a consortium to buy Blackwater (little Phil Ashey might enjoy blowing things up behind people’s backs, but if we can pull this one off I’ll be firing bazookas in their faces) to waste time on peripheral tasks like teaching and caring for the flock with whom I have graciously permitted Our Lord to entrust me.

At least a certain Alaskan animal lover has sought to maintain Conservative standards of logic by holding environmentalists responsible for a little petroleum industry incompetence, but her theological counterparts have remained relatively silent. Consequently I am left with no alternative than to tear myself away from the important task of purchasing my own private military company (the Durham Cathedral staff will regret ignoring my emails when the helicopters full of mercenaries land – wont they?!) to address this alleged ecological disaster.

In so doing I must first make clear that I don’t believe I’ve ever actually met a homosexualist in person. Brother Richthofen’s Friends from Seminary always laugh when I tell them this, and sometimes even try to see if they can trick me into thinking they’re partial to punting from the Cambridge end, but of course I’m much too wise to be fooled by their gay little pranks. Bishop Quinine, on the other hand, might well be correct when he insists that while taking the parish hounds out for their evening walk he’s met one or two behind the sports field change rooms, but whenever I’ve been down there at that time I’ve only ever met charming young men wishing to offer their telephone numbers and meet later for personal Scriptural instruction. Or at least that’s what I assume they’re seeking, though one did offer to help lift my luggage next time I travel.

Therefore I’ve got to admit that like little Martin Ssempa (perhaps this clip is better) I’ve not much first-hand experience of what such people do when not becoming Bishops in New Hampshire and Los Angeles, or perhaps presiding over Mass at Walsingham Shrine, but thanks to my extensive research in the academic literature produced by Larry Flynt Publications and the descriptively named Specialty Publications I can with absolute certainty state that oil plays a key role in homosexualist practices.

Indeed, I have over the years accumulated countless images of young men and women with their writhing nubile bodies coated in the stuff as a prelude to sin, and there can be no doubt that the same people are now attempting to seduce the American public into sharing these perversions by coating seashores with viscous lubricants clearly intended to inflame passions better left dormant until the privacy of a confidential pastoral session with their Senior Minister.

Just see how the liberal media keep making a fuss about a few creatures with beaks marinating themselves (after all, if oily things with feathers really posed a problem KFC would have been shut down years ago), while ignoring the obvious temptation this new ease of access to lubrication presents to young people. No, My Beloved Sinners, this is not so much an ecological crisis as it is a moral one. Thankfully there exists at least one executive who appreciates the Gulf Oil Spill is fundamentally a crisis of morality and ethics: a Mr. Stewart Broom who is Director of Business Ethics at a delightful little firm by the name of “BP”. I’ve no doubt you’ll all be edified by the following excerpt from a paper he delivered a few years ago entitled Raising the bar: business ethics in practice:
Well at BP we have chosen to put ethics high on our agenda. It's not because we have more ethical problems than most large companies. It's not because we're unusually high-minded.......

Rather it's because we think it's the right place to be -for our employees around the world, for our partners, for our industry, for the communities in which we do business, for our reputation and performance today, and for our future tomorrow.

Why it matters: What does a company like BP mean by "being ethical"? Well, our definition has a practical focus but it's underpinned by a belief in honesty, respect for others, integrity and transparency - moral values in other words.
Isn’t it comforting to know that if BP can’t afford to keep paying this fine gentleman he’ll have a wonderful future in Bobby Duncan’s sect?

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.


Fr Hugh Jass said...

I have never undersood, until now, why Ministers Pete Akinola and Pete Jensen owned a Petroleum Company. "Bishops Pete" Petroleum is NOT a British Company, but is a Nigerian/Sydney Consortuim designed to drown Episcopalian homosexualists. Although BP has managed to exterminate only a few sea-birds, they will not be content until Mary Glasspool is smothered in oil.

Anonymous said...

I am delighted that the PB has violated the "Moratorium" against cross provincial bishop's visitations. I know this was officially approved, but some thought it inappropriate. God bless them, for their many violations of the other provisions.

BTW: what do these folk have to do with the pharisee and the notorious sinner and her forgiveness by Jesus?

Fr. Maxwell Smart+

David |Dah • veed| said...

BP = Billionaire Polluters

Ms A Solemnis said...

"I know this was officially approved, but some thought it inappropriate." Tough titty, Maxwell Smart! "Officially approved" is officially approved. No violation except in the minds of you and your like. Those who think this "inappropriate" are welcome to chew their rugs bald and choke on what they are chewing.

Anonymous said...

Ms A Solemnis

I suspect you don't understand irony and humor, a la Fr. Troll.

Fr. Maxwell Smart+

Ms A Solemnis said...

Bad morning. So many real idiots on the rampage right now, one fails to recognize the faux. Sorry.

Anonymous said...

Apology accepted. I am really delighted that the PB went to Southwark Cathedral.

Fr. Maxwell Smart+

Anonymous said...

Is Ms A Solemnis attending this concert in November?

Anonymous said...

I shall not touch the last posting regarding NOVEMBER. What a hoot!

Fr. Troll, what are you considering regarding your hat when you go to Durham? Do you have a liturgical designer helping you out? Almey's? This seems to be an issue for the +++ABC. Will you be able to place it on your head or just carry it?

Fr. Maxwell Smart +

The Rev. Dr. Christian Troll said...

Since it appears this concert will feature groups led by women (in clear contravention of the Trinitarian/complematarian command against women assuming headship of anything other than the British Empire) I'm surprised the Jensen family and their house-elves are permitting it to take place.

Fr. Smart: I've already arranged for my hat and vestments to be designed by this young man (Bishop Quinine thinks this NSFW picture offers a better view). Brother Richthofen's Friends from Seminary tell me he is very talented when it comes to such matters.

Anonymous said...

When you alienate someone from the truth; is it as bad as laying (not to be confused with lying beside)a member of the same sex? I wonder what Jesus thinks? Does the Bible give a literal interpretation?

Anonymous said...

I agree with Bp. Quinine, but the outfit isn't very practical for oil spill cleanup duties.

Fr. Maxwell Smart+

BillyD said...

I would think that that cassock would be uncomfortably warm - especially with the accompanying rubber surplice thrown over it.

Anonymous said...

+++Caroline Divine
Why bother accusing them of being schismatics? Aren't you schismatic to the catholics? Aren't both of you schismatic to the orthodox? Aren't all christians a kind of schism from the jews?
Goodness, where will it end? It's like there are not actual criteria that are both objective and independently verifiable-almost as if religion were some fantasy!