Friday, September 3, 2010

Prayers for My Beloved New Zealand Sinners

News has just reached me of the earth moving in a strictly non-reproductive sense for my Beloved Sinners in Christchurch New Zealand. In the face of this emergency you may all be assured of my prayers for you, your loved ones, and, most important of all, your parish property and assets.

Still, it would be remiss of me in my duties as the World’s Leading Biblical Expositor to not remind you all that the Archbishop of Mordor (as well as his brother, and probably his wife, son, daughter, son-in-law, and innumerable house-elves) did warn you that no good would come from appointing a woman as your Bishop. That some of the most severe damage appears to have occurred in areas where Mordor has established “white-ant” congregations should be considered absolutely irrelevant.

And now, since for reasons I can only ascribe to some oversight on our infallible Lord’s part, you have been spared widespread death and injury, I now expect you to all get busy. Undoubtedly there are unsecured liquor stores and electronic retailers throughout your trembling town, and you’ll have to move quickly if you’re going to be able to send me that container of blessings which the Spirit has clearly told me you are to prepare.

Just remember, anyone caught looting is to insist they’re Baptist (or at very least Australian, which I’m told at your end of the world is viewed even more disparagingly), although I’ll be happy to provide a fictitious character reference at your trial in return for 1st class air tickets and 5-star accommodation. Let’s face it: you’ll get be getting more for your outlay than Bobby Duncan’s backers did for his recent African soirĂ©e.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

7 comments :

Fr Hugh Jass said...

According to Herr Ratsfinger, earthquakes and the destruction of the rain forests is due to homosexualism. Women's ordination is only akin to child abuse. I fear the earthquake may be due to the recent visit by Mr Duncan to Africa. People in Tanzania are fearful that, following the visit of this apostate to the Dark Continent, there is to be a huge eruption from Mount Kilimanjaro. God is not mocked.

Anonymous said...

That's strange: the ancient Egyptians and the Emperor Justinian both claimed that gays caused earthquakes.
"An apostate" would refer to Julian, not to Duncan.

The Rev. Dr. Christian Troll said...

That's right: I believe little Bobby wishes to be referred to as "the apostate", not just "an".

Anonymous said...

There would have been deaths along with the destruction, if the Bishop had have been gay!!! God was just trying to rattle the New Zealanders. All Calvinists know that there is nothing mysterious about the way God works!

Anonymous said...

Your new post 11.11.10 ...Aint it the truth FR Trol?I couln't agree with you more about the cowardly older clergy who use the vulnerability and sexual insecurity of younger men to push their bigotry. They use others to protect their reputation within their own and the broader community.

Doorman-Priest said...

Also sorry not to be able to comment on that prophetic post.

Anonymous said...

Don Armstrong pleads no contest: http://www.episcopalcafe.com/lead/episcopal_church/armstrong_pleads_no_contest.html