On Valentine's Day, a time when those less righteous than myself are traditionally tempted to dream of matters of the flesh, it's always worth remembering the words God dictated to the prophet Malachi, who then told King James: “I hate divorce” words which Biblical Scholars traditionally see as proof of The Almighty having had experience dealing with the typical family law attorney – an encounter which undoubtedly preceded His invention of “smiting”.
Jesus, like many offspring of those who’ve had the privilege of paying a divorce lawyer’s mortgage, was no more enthusiastic. He explained permission for couples to divorce was only given “For the hardness of your heart” - a statement which has always intrigued me, for in my experience it’s the hardness (or otherwise) of an entirely different organ that contributes most to divorce. Consequently, since many in Jesus’ audience had probably never received those helpful emails offering to sell discount Viagra, it’s probable He chose to use a metaphor they could understand. Or perhaps Mary Magdalen had a brother who’d recently started practicing as a cardiologist, and He was kindly drumming up patients – the truth of the matter is a mystery lost in time. But what we do have are Jesus’ Words, and Conservative Christians must do with these what we can.
Which is why we must always understand that when a person looks at a woman and finds her arousing that person is committing adultery – exactly as if they were themselves either divorced or in the act of Biblically Knowing a divorced person. And please read the text before claiming it’s acceptable if the object of desire is one’s spouse – the Bible says “a woman”. So all you men who like men here can breathe easy (or pant, as the case may be) for now, although I’m afraid the lesbians should understand they’re definitely included - anyone yearning for someone whom God designed to pee sitting down is an adulterer.
More so, when studying the Scriptures we must always examine them in context, and it’s important to note that the Bible’s uncompromising teaching on divorce in Matthew 5:31-32 follows immediately upon a passage advising sinners to pluck out their right eyes and chop off their right hands rather sin (Matthew 5:29-30) – a practice which I urge those less righteous than myself adopt if they wish to consider themselves as leading a Bible-centred lives.
Indeed: Apostate Liberals can squirm and deny this all they wish, but the text is plain for all to see, and there’s nothing to suggest any shift from figurative language to literal at the start of verse 29. No, My Beloved Sinners, the Plain Meaning of the Word is beyond dispute. So I urge you all this Valentine’s Day – an occasion which we all know is actually about looking at others - don’t give flowers, or some other bauble which will only turn to dust. Instead give those you fancy a meat-cleaver, and a sharp, pointy stick – that way you’ll soon know if the object of your desire really takes the Bible as seriously as they claim. Just don’t get any ideas about me being in any way liable should they decide to use it on you first.
I'm Father Christian and I teach the Bible.