Monday, February 14, 2011

Divorce & Adultery - A Valentine's Homily.

On Valentine's Day, a time when those less righteous than myself are traditionally tempted to dream of matters of the flesh, it's always worth remembering the words God dictated to the prophet Malachi, who then told King James: “I hate divorce” words which Biblical Scholars traditionally see as proof of The Almighty having had experience dealing with the typical family law attorney – an encounter which undoubtedly preceded His invention of “smiting”.

Jesus, like many offspring of those who’ve had the privilege of paying a divorce lawyer’s mortgage, was no more enthusiastic. He explained permission for couples to divorce was only given “For the hardness of your heart” - a statement which has always intrigued me, for in my experience it’s the hardness (or otherwise) of an entirely different organ that contributes most to divorce. Consequently, since many in Jesus’ audience had probably never received those helpful emails offering to sell discount Viagra, it’s probable He chose to use a metaphor they could understand. Or perhaps Mary Magdalen had a brother who’d recently started practicing as a cardiologist, and He was kindly drumming up patients – the truth of the matter is a mystery lost in time. But what we do have are Jesus’ Words, and Conservative Christians must do with these what we can.

Which is why we must always understand that when a person looks at a woman and finds her arousing that person is committing adultery – exactly as if they were themselves either divorced or in the act of Biblically Knowing a divorced person. And please read the text before claiming it’s acceptable if the object of desire is one’s spouse – the Bible says “a woman”. So all you men who like men here can breathe easy (or pant, as the case may be) for now, although I’m afraid the lesbians should understand they’re definitely included - anyone yearning for someone whom God designed to pee sitting down is an adulterer.

More so, when studying the Scriptures we must always examine them in context, and it’s important to note that the Bible’s uncompromising teaching on divorce in Matthew 5:31-32 follows immediately upon a passage advising sinners to pluck out their right eyes and chop off their right hands rather sin (Matthew 5:29-30) – a practice which I urge those less righteous than myself adopt if they wish to consider themselves as leading a Bible-centred lives.

Indeed: Apostate Liberals can squirm and deny this all they wish, but the text is plain for all to see, and there’s nothing to suggest any shift from figurative language to literal at the start of verse 29. No, My Beloved Sinners, the Plain Meaning of the Word is beyond dispute. So I urge you all this Valentine’s Day – an occasion which we all know is actually about looking at others - don’t give flowers, or some other bauble which will only turn to dust. Instead give those you fancy a meat-cleaver, and a sharp, pointy stick – that way you’ll soon know if the object of your desire really takes the Bible as seriously as they claim. Just don’t get any ideas about me being in any way liable should they decide to use it on you first.

I'm Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

31 comments :

Fr Orsen Carte said...

I received a Valentine's Day card with the verse: "God taketh not pleasure in the legs of a man" (Psalm 147 v.10).
Am I to deduce from this that Jehovah is not a homosexualist? I asked medical expert Peter Ould but he refused to answer my urgent question.

Stan Firm said...

I continue to be amazed that the "no poofs" bits made it past King James's convinced belief in Divine Right and the Royal Prerogative.

Nixon said...

I continue to be amazed that anybody reads the bible and doesn't burst out laughing that adult still take it seriously and that other people are stupid enough to pay them to take it seriously.
Same with the Q'u'o'r'a'n (is that enough apostrophes?).

The Rev. Dr. Christian Troll said...

Although you've got to admit, little Brad "Nixon" my son, it doesn't take much to amaze you. Who can forget the Christmas Bishop Quinine gave you two coconuts joined with a piece of string, and you ended up simultaneously rupturing both your eardrums?

As for apostrophes - I'm amazed that key still works on your computer - I thought you'd gummed up that side of the keyboard years ago.

Nixon said...

No but I try not to gum up my mind with nonsense nobody believes any more who isn't either paid for it or really into mincing around in satin.

The Rev. Dr. Christian Troll said...

Mmmmm… and then you put all the cerebral waste-land you’ve so proudly created in yourself to use by obsessively leaving comments demonstrating your ignorance and fascination with vestments and one facet of human sexuality. Guess it’s a lifestyle my son, but not one any sentient being would choose.

Fr Orsen Carte said...

I would like to thank Nixon for visiting my own humble blog and leaving such brilliant comments. Obviously, someone who models himself on a lying, impeached President is worthy of the utmost respect.

Nixon said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
The Rev. Dr. Christian Troll said...

Don't tell lies, little Brad my son: you chose the name 'Nixon' because you find pictures of his hairstyle strangely arousing, and because someone told you he's the only president to share his last name with a porn star.

Stan Firm said...

And the only one to be called Dick, if I'm not mistaken. Maybe that name is taken as well?

Anonymous said...

Fr. Troll,
We are waiting with bated breath for your new words of wisdom. It's been 11 days since we have heard from you. Do I need to send my trusted assistant to check up on you, to make sure you are not suffering from the flu?
Fr. Maxwell Smart+

Anonymous said...

It looks like Fr. Orsen has been shut down by the forces of Prostate Pete again.

Anonymous said...

Perhaps, I can dispatch Agent 99 to restore his Internet connection.
Fr. Maxwell Smart+

Anonymous said...

Prostste Pete is the typical religious conservative...flawed arguments that rely on censorship for protection. Everytime Prostate Pete writes about his post-gay non-medical cure, he himself defames GLBT people and incites hatred. Why are GLBT advocates censored when this bigot is allowed to write trash on his blog? Something is seriously wrong!

-frank said...

What happened to 'anglicanmainstreams' and Fr Orsen Carte? Is he in blogger blogspot purge-atory?

Anonymous said...

Frank, I fear that Fr. Orsen has been taken captive by the malign forces of his enemy, who is now torturing his prostate!

L F Antyne said...

Or he's being tortured to make a PayPal contribution, Anonymous. NSW is not the only place in which Fr Carte and others have been trailing their coats.

I posted this inspiring vignette of life Down Under to Fr Carte's blog shortly before it vanished into the ether. Good to know that some, at least, of our Australian brethren are keeping up standards. Shame if this did not have a decent circulation.

Maureen Beryl Lister said...

Fr Orsen, I believe your Valentine was pointing out that there is no pleasure to be had in the Isle of Man. (A sentiment with which we would all agree.)

I do hope Fr Carte is well and has not been buggered by Dobby, Jensen et al. Or perhaps Lisa Nolland's got her bit between his teeth?

Revd Dr Troll, if you hear from Fr Carte, will you please pass on my very best wishes as he is a Good Priest and we need more of them.

Anonymous said...

Someone said Fr Carte has taken on a new persona and is all at "sea" dealing with Peter Ould's post-gay successes.

Anonymous said...

There have been random sitings of Cher at cloistered Evangelical planery meetings! Is Fr Carte to supercede Lisa Nolland as the new expert in animal husbandry?

Bishop of Sugar Loaf Rocks said...

Fr Orsen Carte is tesing his vocation as a minister and seal clubber in the Diocese of Sugar Loaf Rocks. We are seeking new clergy to join him to bring the Good News of "Conservatism" to all who have been exiled by liberalism and homosexualists.

Anonymous said...

I see Phillip Jensen is talking about himself on Sunday 6.3.11.
I'm sure by the 27.3.1, he will be doing another expose on himself. Sounds like a very exciting month. I can't wait!

Just a giver said...

Schismatic Anglicans has disappeared. What's happening?

-frank said...

Crap. It appears that the Convocation of Anglicans Near Antartica (CANA) has been raptured!

Lapinbizarre said...

Seems that the Bishop's new blog is already missing in action. He's certainly getting someone's goat, but whose?

Lapinbizarre said...

I see that the Bishop is missing in action yet again. His site meter showed quite a bit of interest yesterday from parties "Down Under" and in Northern England. Be curious to know what transpired.

Comment moderation "refix".

Anonymous said...

The Prostatants have claimed another victim!

Anonymous said...

Actually March is a month to enjoy a rest and reap the benefits of such fruitful work. I'd say to Fr Carte that God thanks him very much for his efforts and this month should provide plenty to write about in the future, God Bless Fr Carte for his bravery.
Confusius says...A handful of holy men are woth much more than infinite amounts of Calvinists.

Anonymous said...

I understand someone from "down under" has made an official complaint to the Bishop's Bishop.

Anonymous said...

And I thought that Anglicans only silenced women! God help those down under and the bishop's bishop!

Anonymous said...

Does that mean that Fr Orson Carte's blog was so credible that he was a threat to bigots? i reckon Fr Orson Carte and his supporters should make a cup of coffee and put on a nice CD, preferably a compliation. I'm sure it will help with productivity. A lack of self expression can be crippling and we don't want Fr Carte strapped legless in a <a href='http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AuU0cJ_iW8w">buggy.</a>