As everyone knows, Conservative Biblical Bible-believers are not obsessed with sex. Just because we talk about it at every opportunity, write about it incessantly, and recognize that a day in which a Christian hasn’t discussed sex is a day wasted, is in no way to be understood as evidence of any kind of obsession. Whatsoever. Sex is simply something we feel Jesus forgot to treat as seriously as He should have, and we’re just faithfully seeking to make up for His error.
Which is undoubtedly why the famous post-gay advocate Peter Ould has just given the world a post devoted entirely to bottom play titled “Conversation” (since the Ould lads often block links from Biblical blogs you may have to copy and paste http://www.peter-ould.net/2011/01/31/a-conversation/ into your browser to share in his idea of NSFW titillation). After all, what else does a young Curate who professes to no longer having any interest in playing at Liberace’s end of the piano have to think about? And who better qualified to discuss the medical aspects of what everyone knows all homosexualists (including the female ones) do all the time (except, perhaps, when they’re being bashed, murdered, or vilified) than a Curate with no medical training?
In fact so profoundly impressive is Peter Ould’s rectal recitation that a leading Conservative British blog is urging grateful readers to contact Prostate Pete’s Bishop and tell His Grace how much they appreciate the Curate of Ware’s commitment to colonic conversation. This is a marvellous idea, and I urge all My Beloved Sinners to do likewise. I have personally emailed the Rt. Revd. Alan Gregory Clayton Smith to congratulate him on becoming Britain’s First Bishop of Bum-Fun, and there can be no doubt he’ll be almost as delighted to receive similar encouragement from all of you.
Not, of course, that there is anything particularly new about engaging in theological conversation regarding one’s favourite position. Here at St. Onuphrius’ my Wednesday evening class in Foundational Theology has featured fortnightly seminars on the “Reverse Cowgirl” for years. Still, I have it on good authority that Peter Ould - whom, as I may have mentioned, really isn’t obsessed with sex - will be very soon moving away from his customary anal fixation, and into the hitherto un-evangelically-explored territory of the “Angry Dragon” and “Dirty Sanchez”. (Google them if you really must, but don’t say you haven’t been warned. And whatever you do, please don’t do so at your place of employment. Unless you work for fundamentalists, in which case in 5 years time when all the fuss has died down and you’ve managed to build a new life you’ll thank me for getting you out of there.)
I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.