Sunday, December 18, 2011

How dare anyone find this funny.

The revisionists are mocking us. And rightly so.

As any of My Beloved Sinners will know, I have always been little Matt Kennedy’s most vigorous supporter. Even in his darkest hour, when rumors were circulating that attempting to redirect assets belonging to others in contravention to court orders is a crime which could unjustly land the perpetrator in prison, it was I who sought to console the boy by encouraging him to contemplate the endless ministry possibilities to be explored while sharing one’s cell with a 300lb mildly-psychotic weightlifter named “Bubba”. So let me now categorically state that I, The World’s Most Orthodox Christian Leader, Bible Teacher, and Doctrinal Warrior, am utterly APPALLED to learn of him being mocked by godless apostate unbiblical liberal revisionists.

That’s right; I’m COMPLETELY DISGUSTED!!! And I demand to know the identities of these reprobates daring to scoff at my weaker fellow Conservatives. Where do they blog? If I search long enough will I be able to find naked pictures of them on the internet? What routes do their loved ones travel when commuting? And is it still legal to anonymously send one’s opponents packets of anthrax powder through the U.S. Mail? Or has the Satanic Socialist Cabal in Washington put an end to that simple democratic constitutional right as well?

Yet – as fecund as young Matt’s prognostications concerning Layman Chucky may be – it would be remiss of me to not sound a caution in regard to the dangerous relativism of his ill considered remark “And rightly so.” There is NEVER any justification for mirth at the expense of those like little Chucky Murphy. After all, it’s not as if turning Christ’s foolish message of welcome to the poor, outcast, or socially disreputable into a more sensible package of misogyny, homophobia, and shameless pomposity is easy.

No My Sinners: it takes a lifetime of relentlessly thirsting for power (not to mention a deep insecurity about the size and proclivities of one’s you-know-what) to come up with the scenarios currently being wrought across the Anglican Communion (both the real Communion, as well as imaginary ones like those of Bobby Duncan and Chuck Murphy), and I’ll have each and every one of you know that laughing at these immeasurably important figures, or their young, gullible, and histrionic acolytes, is as unacceptable as taking joy in the wisdom and company of animals. Or smiling. Because if this sort of thing is allowed to continue you can mark my words it's only a matter of time before some small child is permitted to call out something about the emperor not having any clothes. Which is undoubtedly why Jesus was so careful to warn us against letting our theology be in any way influenced by children.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.


Reformation said...

Grand and funny (in one sense). Thanks for the laugh.

Anonymous said...

I would NEVER laugh at an Afro-American Church for white people in Binghamton. As it's caucasion Lay Leader bears a remarkable resemblance to Bubba, it is difficult not to find him hysterically funny. It is sad that, to be "orthodox", one has to pretend to be a negro.

+clumber said...

Oh my, it's like striking gold here!

7. The best response from those of us belonging to the ACNA is repentance for our own pride, vanity, and divisive petulance.

10. What does this say, if anything, about the character of North American Anglicanism? I don’t know. But it could be that, like David, our generation has too much blood on its hands to build the Temple. The jurisdictions formed by those of us leaving the Episcopal Church have been shaped by ecclesial war. I don’t, personally speaking, know how to really trust a bishop. Perhaps the best we can do is struggle and fight not to splinter into a thousand sharp little thorns until our children come of age?

14. Breaking ecclesial bonds because of a dispute over money, pride, power, and autonomy is schism.

I think the only appropriate response that should be made in ACNA is to immediately make the lad a bishop! What's one more, after all?

The Rev. Dr. Christian Troll said...

Yes indeed, my Lord Clumber.

I am, however, bothered by one nagging fear which, no matter how hard I try to convince myself otherwise, I know in my heart to be indubitably true: 2,000 years from now a significant proportion of academics studying such matters will insist Matt Kennedy never existed, and that pronouncements such as the gems you cite were simply put into the mouth of a fictitious character by comics like ourselves in the course of our quest for genuinely funny material.