While it’s no secret that I am admired by millions of Sinners around the world (and especially so by Jensen-addled young men – click here and read the comments to feel the love expressed by a pair of undergraduates who serve as splendid examples of the GAFCON vision for the Church you call home), few people can comprehend the pressures involved in being Orthodox Christianity’s Most Doctrinally Sound Leader. Of course I realize that this come a surprise to those sufficiently godly to believe recognize My Unique Gifts as a Teacher, but there are quite literally thousands of persons who, believing themselves equipped with the appropriate genitalia for leadership, aspire to assume the mantle which the spirit and a whole lot of back-stabbing have quite rightfully declared is mine.
Still, as the incumbent of St. Catamite’s, the local Roman franchise, is forever saying about Forward in Faith, imitation is the greatest form of flattery. So when I hear some veritable schoolboy in the Faith such as little David Virtue, or the Primates of peaceful Christian nations like Uganda and Nigeria, stealing what Consuella in a fascinating example of cultural syncretism calls my “shtick”, I just smile and remember that these pathetic-but-cute reflections of myself are but a testimony to the power of skills as an evangelist - Matthew 23:15 not withstanding.
Nor is this role as Icon-Mentor limited to a purely religious sphere. Many of those with a vocation towards a lesser branch of politics, that of the secular sphere, also carefully strive to emulate my example: in evidence I need offer but one word: Rick Santorum. (Yes, I am well aware that’s actually two words, but I’d hate for any junior clergy seeking enlightenment upon the Parish office computer to Google the latter on its own.)
Or, for those inclined towards a missionary position and interested in the politics of nonChristian lands: do you really think that without a Conservative Biblical Christian role-model we’d have seen Tony Blair embrace Rupert Murdoch in a realization of how Murdoch’s ethics and integrity should epitomize what a party representing workers stands for? Especially given it was through efforts of people like those whose lives were destroyed by Mr. Murdoch that little Tony Blair achieved power.
Nevertheless, when news reached me this week that Republican Senate candidate Richard Mourdock (I. Will. Not. Play. With. The. Spelling. Of. His. Name.) had made a statement to the effect that women conceiving as a result of unwanted and illegal intercourse should carry such fetuses to full term on account of their existence being a gift from God I couldn’t help but feeling peeved. And not just because some jumped-up treasurer from Indiana let my beloved GOP’s cat out of the bag before a week come Tuesday, after which it’ll be too late for anyone to do anything about the carpetbaggers they’ve been fooled into electing. No: to be perfectly honest (Are Conservative Bible-believing Leaders ever anything else? (Please don’t think of Mark Lawrence when you answer that.) – it’s because Mitt Romney’s latest spokesperson for women gave me no credit for the logic behind his new brilliant strategy for winning the votes of those without the private bits needed to lead others in proclaiming Jesus’ message of salvation, justice, and equality.
After all, I have for years been telling the manager of our local mall that shoplifting is actually a gift from god on account of the way it helps rotate stock. It was me who first started teaching those missing a leg as a result of an intoxicated driver crashing into them that their “disability” is really a blessing on account of the insight they’ve gained into hopping. And it is moir who is always telling parents to stop complaining about kiddie-fiddlers, and to start giving appreciating god’s gift of unlimited free child minding.
Sure little Candidate Mourdock might have taken things further than I (or any other senior Republican adviser) would normally do when not surrounded by people who say “yes” all the time, but his logic was mine, and mine alone. And giving me a little credit would have been the courteous thing to do. Not to mention what it would have done for my Google ranking.
I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.