Saturday, October 20, 2012

Nothing could be finer than to be in Carolina ...

... somehow I don't think Fred & Ethel Mertz had poor, poor +Mark Lawrence in mind when they performed this adenoidal classic at the Washington Mayflower Hotel: mind you the mayo really has curdled down in Charleston since those halcyon days, hasn’t it My Beloved Sinners? For those of you unaware of the latest development in the sorry, sorry tale of what happens when a Bishop proves to have taken his vows with his fingers crossed I recommend getting up to speed by going here immediately. Mind you, I’ve always said +-Lawrence and I have more in common than might first meet the eye, and not just because no one’s ever seen the two of us in the same photograph. There’s a curious similarity between the mess in which he’s currently managed to land himself and an incident in my own inspiring journey with god. Let me explain:

As a younger man, prior to the spirit’s recognition of my undeniable and inherent gifts as a Bible Teacher and Doctrinal Leader, I enjoyed – as you’d expect – a highly distinguished military career. Many is the sermon in which I’ve covered over a lack of preparation with thrilling anecdotes of the bravery I displayed in defence of My Country, although in +-Mark’s case the uncanny parallel between us relates to a different aspect of my courageous service; namely the small matter of my dishonourable discharge.

In order to understand you’ll first have to pay attention while I explain what things were like in Korea during early ’52. God-forsaken Commies were poised to destroy everything Christians held sacred, and field hospitals like the 4077th were utterly bereft of the Exegetical Expository Bible Teaching so crucial for the preservation of life. Everywhere you looked young Korean girls were dying from thermo-mammarial myocardial infarction simply for want of enough twinky Australian ex-gay pseudo-therapists to warm them, and with spineless red liberals like Senator Joe McCarthy pulling all the strings in the White House my call for a moderate response involving uncontained nuclear warfare went unheeded.

It was then that, in the way that will now be so familiar to all of you Sinners sitting faithfully at my feet, inspiration placed her hand on my wise and fearless shoulders, and I realized the solution lay not in bloodshed, but in Conversion. Rather than kill all the Commies (as entertaining as that might sound) what we needed to do was introduce them to the joys and freedom of Llissez-faire capitalism. That way rather than wasting all their energy doing the evil things Commies call fun, like organizing gymnastic displays in praise of the Beloved Leader, they could start engaging in righteousness-nurturing Christian activities, like inventing junk bonds, or selling Florida swamp-land to trusting retirees.

Yet my senior officers saw things differently. Rather than heed my brilliant advice, they told me to “follow orders”. That’s right, My Beloved Sinners, they actually believed that being part of a hierarchical organization involved something called a “chain of command”, and that having sworn to serve and obey with loyalty and respect I was in someway bound to take my vow seriously! Exactly like the apostate TEC have unjustly been expecting +-Lawrence to respect those to whom he promised obedience!!!!

What follows in my inspiring journey of faith is something of which only those laboring under the delusion that a man of Doctrinal Inerrancy is answerable to anything other than himself and his own preconceptions could fail to respect. Like Bishop Mark, when faced with the choice between keeping my word and doing what I really wanted to, I took the only option available to a Conservative Leader: I did what I felt like. Which in this instance involved teaching the North Koreans an important lesson about Capitalism and the Free Market by selling them armaments and military secrets –a lesson which a few legalist apostate liberals in the Pentagon had the temerity to label “high treason”, but which Orthodox South Carolinians and their fan base will instantly recognize as my having fearlessly followed a higher authority of my own inspired invention.

What I find most charming, however, about +-Lawrence’s move is the insistence his departure from the Episcopal Church automatically means everyone else in South Carolina – both clergy and laity – have also left. Even though it’s patently obvious not all of them agree with him. It reminds me of something I once taught a much more enlightened commanding officer of mine to say during a much earlier stage of my service: “L'État, c'est moi”. Although in Bishop Lawrence’s case I’m more than a little worried that he actually believes it.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

10 comments:

Grandmère Mimi said...

Well Fr Christian, had I known about your post, I could have saved myself a world of time and effort in putting together my own inferior offering. All right, so you were more than a half hour ahead of me, but I was busy and I did not take note. That's what I get for letting my attention stray from your blog for that one brief period. One never knows when you will post a brilliant must-read, and I will watch more closely in the future. Mea culpa.

Leonard Clark said...

I could have told you both the guy was a two-timing desert ratóncito headed for desertion years ago...I mean, anyone, yes ANYONE that was birthed in Bakersfield is vulnerable to wandering sunsickness and illusion/delusion...obviously +Lawerence, who wasn't a bishop fella in Bakersfield, didn't have a mitre in them daze and musta had a part-two-time pumping Gas at the El Rancho open air truckstop (make anybody a homophobe just sniff´n them fumes and watching the traffic in and out of them cabs 24/7).

Bakersfield, that's where things get a little crispy when left out a teense long and even the blacktop burns right through high top, fast mov'n, tennis shoes...so, clearly, both he and his Granddestness prodigal son mentor, D.J. Scavenger, got their not-so-deep-fried-brain *condition* from the desert son and probably a buncha other stuff got out of wack too from the intense HEAT.

Wackoexposure, common as Valley Feaver, is what happened to the man and it's a progressive affliction and do'n a geographic to Dixieland won't cure it, not now and not no how cause they got the Son there too!

Paranoia and plotting in secret is a nasty side-winding mix of troubles. Won't be long now until until Lawerence needs to get a fix'n...he needs a complete overhaul (and maybe a lik'n too).

The Rev. Dr. Christian Troll said...

Grandmère my child - consider yourself forgiven. But please remember that when referring to a post of yours which Conseualla (incorrectly) insists is even wiser than my own you MUST ALWAYS give yourself a link.

That's a rule which I'm certain is somewhere in the 39 Articles (or perhaps one of the other books of the Bible), and if you don't let my multitude of Beloved Sinners know that they can find your observations on my new doppelgänger Bishop Lawrence here they risk forever remaining in ignorance.

Grandmère Mimi said...

Thank you for the link Fr Christian. I'll try to do better next time. One shrinks from calling attention to oneself in the face of your brilliance.

Anonymous said...

I demand that Ethel Mertz be made Bishop of South Carolina immediately!

PseudoPiskie said...

I think +Clumber would be at least as popular. After all, Ethel is a, horrors, woman.

Turnip Ghost said...

You and the Fundies both change the rules to suit yourselves; you're both hypocrites; both have nonsensical and pointless beliefs.
You deserve each other. Enjoy spending yourselves into oblivion trying to get the properties!

The Rev. Dr. Christian Troll said...

Sometimes little Brad, I do indeed find myself entertaining the masochistic idea that in some way both sides of the equation really do deserve each other.

Of one thing, however, I am certain: neither of us deserve you.

Turnip Ghost said...

At least I don't charge people for the "privilege" of listening to me talk about things no human being could possibly know.

The Rev. Dr. Christian Troll said...

Ah yes little Brad, but that's just because nobody would be so foolish with their money as to pay you.