Dear sinners – let me tell you all that we had a simply wonderful time in church at St. Onuphrius’ this morning. Firstly we learned a new hymn written by none other that than the Christian blogosphere’s very own Episcatoid, and then, as if this wasn’t enough to get us all in a good mood, we were fortunate enough to witness Martin, our Thurifer with Tourette’s, accidentally swing his thurible right across the forehead of an unsuspecting visitor!
Now I know I’ve told everyone countless times to not let newcomers sit near the aisle when Martin’s rostered on for High Mass, but enjoying an occasional laugh at some outsider’s expense has always been integral to Conservative worship, so there's no point making too much of a fuss. Unlike previous occasions the gentleman wasn’t seriously injured: just a minor cranial fracture and the subsequent inability to speak in anything other than what we’re calling a tribal Ugandan dialect for the purposes of obtaining a little purpose-driven missionary funding from Risk Warren (although if you ask me the gurgles sound a lot more like Kilngon).
I don’t think I’ve mentioned Martin before, but he's a truly promising lad who came our way in a terrible state after being unjustly expelled from his studies in dental surgery on account of his condition. Given a little encouragement from us he’s really bloomed, and is currently in the process of testing the vocation that I’ve unquestionably discerned.
Which is why I’m telling you all this: it’s just about time for him to commence studies with a view to ordination, and I’ve begun assessing seminaries around in the world in order to ensure our beloved Thurifer-with-Tourette’s receives the very best training available. If anyone has any suggestions or recommendations I would indeed be most grateful – please don’t hesitate to leave the names of places you think might be suitable in the comments below.
In the meantime we’re now going to offer a service to other parishes, whereby we lease them Martin until any pesky parish wardens (or other superfluous laypersons) have been properly censed of their senses. His timing might be erratic, but his aim is impeccable, and providing he keeps still there’s no denying his heart is certainly in the right place.
I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.