Sunday, February 1, 2009

This is the day that the Lord has made!

Dear sinners – let me tell you all that we had a simply wonderful time in church at St. Onuphrius’ this morning. Firstly we learned a new hymn written by none other that than the Christian blogosphere’s very own Episcatoid, and then, as if this wasn’t enough to get us all in a good mood, we were fortunate enough to witness Martin, our Thurifer with Tourette’s, accidentally swing his thurible right across the forehead of an unsuspecting visitor!

Now I know I’ve told everyone countless times to not let newcomers sit near the aisle when Martin’s rostered on for High Mass, but enjoying an occasional laugh at some outsider’s expense has always been integral to Conservative worship, so there's no point making too much of a fuss. Unlike previous occasions the gentleman wasn’t seriously injured: just a minor cranial fracture and the subsequent inability to speak in anything other than what we’re calling a tribal Ugandan dialect for the purposes of obtaining a little purpose-driven missionary funding from Risk Warren (although if you ask me the gurgles sound a lot more like Kilngon).

I don’t think I’ve mentioned Martin before, but he's a truly promising lad who came our way in a terrible state after being unjustly expelled from his studies in dental surgery on account of his condition. Given a little encouragement from us he’s really bloomed, and is currently in the process of testing the vocation that I’ve unquestionably discerned.

Which is why I’m telling you all this: it’s just about time for him to commence studies with a view to ordination, and I’ve begun assessing seminaries around in the world in order to ensure our beloved Thurifer-with-Tourette’s receives the very best training available. If anyone has any suggestions or recommendations I would indeed be most grateful – please don’t hesitate to leave the names of places you think might be suitable in the comments below.

In the meantime we’re now going to offer a service to other parishes, whereby we lease them Martin until any pesky parish wardens (or other superfluous laypersons) have been properly censed of their senses. His timing might be erratic, but his aim is impeccable, and providing he keeps still there’s no denying his heart is certainly in the right place.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

18 comments :

Father David Heron said...

I feel sorry for people who suffer f***ing Tourettes. They speak a lot of sh*t most of the time. Martin will need a place where he will fit in, and where everyone else talks cr*p. Moore College Sydney is the place for the poor b**stard.

The Rev. Dr. Christian Troll said...

Excellent suggestion, my dear Father. I shall write to our dear new friend in those parts (the one who sadly seems to have had his sense of humour replaced with a secondary bile duct) and ask for a brochure immediately.

Kirkepiscatoid said...

Thanks for the free plug--it's not every day you get kudos from a great doctrinal warrior. What part of the church season do you forsee using the new hymn?

Leonardo Ricardo said...

Oh but can we get him safe passage to Egypt rapidly on time to land a few where they truly belong...we´ll provide a pictoral/pectoral slide show...it won´t be all that hard, the ones that look ugly ARE ugly and won´t sit with the nice pretty lady from TEC!

David |Dah • veed| said...

I would like to suggest one of my Alma Maters, Perkins School of Theology, Southern Methodist University. He would not only be well grounded in an Ecumenical approach to Christian theology, but being a United Methodist seminary he will also be sitting pretty in light of the Wesleyan Quadrilateral, otherwise known as the four-legged stool; scripture, tradition, reason & experience, which offers a more firm foundation for the fidgety.

PS - Pápi Xn, you might have hit the sacramental wine too hard this morn, for some of your spelling & grammar is not what one would expect from an expositor of your caliber. Or possibly Evangelical Eric did not properly edit your treatise prior to posting it!

david virtue's bountiful bosom said...

I'm with Leonardo--you need to get him to Alexandria immediately!

Fred Schwartz said...

Father Christian,

After much thought I recommend Fuller Theological Seminary. We once had a priest, Father Buzzard, who was well schooled in scripture. He was brought to us as the one and only candidate for our parish. x-JDS assured us that we only needed one pick. He was selected.
In hs short time on this earth, it turned out God had other plans for this man, he managed to take a nice Episcopal Chapel and turn it into a one ring show. Music no longer came from an organ but rather a boom box. Stations of the cross were not allowed in the church because the architect said it ruined the decor. The altar was shrunk to the size of a small card table while the pulpit grew to the size of an elephant. The Nicene Creed became the Nice Comments and baptism became a poolside event designed for everyone a couple of times a year. Funds that had been set aside for a rainy day were emptied in order to accomplish so much of the Lord's work, since as I was told, "Ya cain't take it wit ya." Cats became more important than people (a long and tedious story). Yes, Martin would fit in nicely at Fuller and would learn not only the 360 with the thurible but other really choice stuff as well.

Of course Leonardo's idea for the immediate future would be perfect. Martin would get to meet all the big boys and perhaps would have a gay time with all these Godly men. It would also give him a chance to learn where Africa is and perhaps open political doors as well.

Robert said...

I don't know about a seminary suggestion, but if Leonardo is going to give a pec show I want to see it, particularly if David is featured!

Robert said...

I don't know about a seminary suggestion, but if Leonardo is going to give a pec show I want to see it, particularly if David is featured!

Anonymous said...

Dear Fr. Christian

I would like to suggest the New Old School of Theology, Politics and Pastoral Economics under the auspices of Grace St. Stephen’s Colorado Springs for the following reasons:

1. Excellent Faculty and Communion Credentialing.
First, Grace St. Stephens is a member of the Anglican Communion in the Province of the Anglican Communion of North America under its Primate Elect The Rt. Rev. Robert Duncan. Although some may suggest that this is false, even preposterously suggest that no such province exists in the communion or such primate, we know that it is true because it says so right on Grace’s website: http://www.graceandststephens.org/directory_clergy.htm


2. Financial Aid Available
The Clarice C. Bowton Trust. US Bank Account #88417160. Although this trust was established to provide scholarships for single, unmarried seminarians from Colorado, under the able management of Grace’s senior pastor, Donald Armstrong, the trust’s income and possible its principle have been made available for a much wider group, first, apparently with permission of the then Bishop of Colorado, Jerry Winterrowd, to support the educational work of The Anglican Institute in its publication of books and sponsorship of conferences. Circa 2004, apparently, AI merged with two other groups, SNEAD and The Anglican Communion Institute with the laudable purpose of exposing the heresy and theological errors of The Episcopal Church, to the world community For Example:”Godless Morality and the Abandonment of Christian Identity by Trevor Hart True Union in the Body?” commissioned by Drexel Gomez for the Primates of the Anglican Communion Claiming our Anglican Identity: The Case against the Episcopal Church, USA Commissioned by Archbishops Drexel Gomez, Peter Akinola, and Gregory Venables Communion and Discipline A Submission to the Lambeth Commission by the Anglican Communion Institute Full references to their wonderful work can be found at: http://www.anglicancommunioninstitute.org/articles.htm Although there appears to be no paper trail validating the use of the Trust for purposes that did not provide educational opportunities for Coloradans, when AI and ACI/SNEAD merged and went global under Fr. Armstrong’s able leadership there can be no question that Ms. Bowton would have been thrilled that he had the good sense to divert her bequest to this purpose.

Due, however to the reprehensible behaviour of Colorado’s current bishop, Fr. Armstrong’s use of Bowton funds (principle and/or interest) has come under scrutiny by the civil authorities http://www3.gazette.com/documents/grace.pdf. This evil, prejudicial and clearly political affidavit of Detective Flynn implies that Fr. Armstrong’s use of Bowton funds, among others, were illegal and self-dealing reflecting an additional compensation to him of circa $40,000 per year over his disclosed salary in the form of alleged “scholarships” to his children. Of course Fr. Armstrong is being falsely persecuted in these trumped up charges because of his theological orthodoxy and authentic response to the biblical imperative of evangelization and we know this to be true because he has said so: http://www.graceandststephens.org/news/articles/0414-Armstrong%20denies%20stealing%20from%20Grace.pdf. He has also told David Virtue, on 1/9/2009 a man whose conservative integrity can not be questioned, (http://www.virtueonline.org/portal/modules/news/print.php?storyid=9723) that he will respond to these allegations shortly with documents challenging them on Grace’s website: http://www.graceandststephens.org/news/534254778372009/01082009ltr.pdf But, Bowton funds may be wrested from the control of this able man and be placed in the hands of others less competent and less focused on true GAFCON mission. In addition, ACI theologians Radner, Turner and Seitz, undoubtedly influenced by the cruel and unjustified allegations made by the Diocese made for the sole purpose of destroying this good man’s reputation, have removed their names and their Institute from Armstrong’s administration. In any event, more funds may be available for scholarships as Fr. Armstrong's children are no longer in school.

3. Opportunities for Outreach Ministry:
The John Jay Institute for Faith, Society and Law. John Jay is located right on Grace’s campus and its important work of educating young men and women in the fields of religion politics and law along the lines of biblical and moral orthodoxy grounded in GAFCON principles for roles in US government, law and politics. Founded by Alan Crippen II, who served for 10 years as founding rector and crafter of the original shape and content of the Witherspoon Fellowship, a Family Research Council (James Dobson family of ministries), Crippen has two decades of experience in non-profit executive management and college level teaching. Recently ordained to the priesthood in CANA, he now serves as ministerial associate with Grace thus providing one-stop shopping for Grace New School students wishing to extend their ministry into the fields of politics, court reform, legislation etc. Regrettably, due to lack of funding, Witherspoon Fellowships are no longer available. The Family Research Council’s website now notes the FRC’s appreciation to Crippen for all he has done in this important work as its rector and is referring candidates for Witherspoon internships to John Jay, thus insuring that the wonderful work begun by Crippen at the FRC will continue. http://www.witherspoonfellowship.org/. Happily, in the spirit of true evangelism and help to those less fortunate, Grace has been providing "state-on the art" modern classrooms to John Jay without rental fee.

Anonymous said...

Please excuse the above error SNEAD should be SEAD

Pierre R. Wheaton said...

Father Christian, I'm surprised that the best possible seminary education for Martin is right under your nose.

Why don't you open your own seminary. There must be many Truth-seeking suckers, er, uh... true believers out there willing to send you all sorts of hard earned lucre in exchange for a Theological credential from the Father Christian School of Gen-Yoo-Wine GAFCON Teaching.

Why subject Martin to some "other" seminary's curriculum where he may learn all sorts of bad habits and suspect teaching which you'll end up having to break the poor boy of, anyway, often using techniques involving pain,small barnyard animals, and/or electroshock, when you can open your own Bible College, teach him only the stuff you want him to know, which is the hallmark of true GAFCON teaching, and save yourself and the church treasury mucho bucks which can be put to better use. I can see the first years course of study now.

MIN101 "Pole Dancing as a Ministry Opportunity" with Asst Professor Consuela

MIN102 "Bishops: The Things They Do and the Messes They Make" Co-taught by yourself and Bishop Quinine

MIN 103 "The Care and Feeding of Evangelicals" with Evangelical Eric as a test subject.

There are also some most stimulating cross- registration opportunities with Brother Richthofen and his game young Seminary lads.

The financial windfall to be gained from this is enormous. The Duncaneers here in Pittsburgh would be clamoring for it!! And of course, there is also the benefits of bringing to the Kingdom of God true religion, which it so desperately needs.

If you do choose to take on my idea for the creation of a True GAFCON teaching institution, I request nothing more than an honorary Th.D. from your institution. I like academic hoods!!

David |Dah • veed| said...

I request nothing more than an honorary Th.D. from your institution. I like academic hoods!!

I have a foto of you in your academic hood - and nothing else!

Pierre R. Wheaton said...

Hmm...how THAT get on the Internet??? Some one hacked my Picasa account again!!!

Boaz said...

Dear Father Christian

Martin should take heart. He can turn his Tourette's Syndrome to his great advantage.

I believe there is a place in Africa (Uganda I think) where in the local language, "Fu*k-Sh*t-B*m" roughly translates to, "Praise-the-Lord"

Already two expatriates with Tourette's lead huge congregations there.

By a strange co-incidence an African Pastor is doing a great trade in the south of the USA leading a church while repeatedly blurting out, "Zee Looord izz Graaate" which in his home town means, "Fu*k-wa*k-sh*t-b*m".

He also repeats, "Gabbonga-zoot-farbinni" which is assumed by the faithful in the south to be but a a snippet of a heavenly language.

I won't translate it's meaning in his home tribe because it would make a drug dealer blush.

Don't like the Sydney Taliban said...

That hateful little freak in Sydney is at it again.

Fr. Christian, I believe he needs a firm spanking!

The Rev. Dr. Christian Troll said...

He's just trying to get you all worked up, since now we've all moved on and found a new squeaky toy to play with his stats have fallen back down to their usual tragic level.

Like his kind everywhere, they love to whine about us, but they all desperately want us when we can't be bothered with them.

Two Cents said...

My Lord and Master. I can name no Seminary, but perhaps some good learning may come from the video at this link:
http://www.funny-games.biz/cartoon/if-you-were-gay.html