Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Those innovative Romans.

If one thing about being the unquestionable leader of the GAFCON movement is hardest of all, it’s this: not letting women teach in accordance with our notoriously spurious exegesis of 1 Timothy 2:12.

Now I can’t deny that some leading scions of schism are able to spend their entire lives without letting a woman teach them anything: just look at little Layman John-David Schofield (although the stories I’ve heard about young men teaching him things could fill a book – one it’s a pity he’ll never have the courage to write), but the truth is that over the years I’ve learnt just as much from women as I have from men.

I know this a strange occurrence, particularly given women only comprise more than half of the earth’s population, but I didn’t rise to where I am today by telling lies except when speaking under oath, or addressing gatherings of gullible clergy. Consequently I have no qualms about telling you, my dearly beloved sinners, that a faithful reader of inordinate intelligence, who also happens to be of the female gender, recently alerted me to a most intriguing development, for which I am profoundly grateful:

The Roman Catholics have recommenced the practice of issuing indulgences..

While there’s no denying Roman Catholics preach a perverted false Gospel, and as a result will spend all eternity in the agonizing fires of hell, I’ve always found them extremely likeable. God might hate Father McCracken from St.Catamite’s, our local Roman franchise, but in my book he’s a charming fellow who’s shared many a fine evening here at the Rectory. After all, it’s not his fault his church broke away from ours a few centuries ago under Henry VIII. Nor can anyone really blame them for having pinched all that flamboyant liturgical stuff Newman and his Oxford pals dreamed up, with no women around the altar they’ve got to do something to a bit of glamour to the show.

That’s why I’m delighted to see them going back to one of the greatest innovations since Simon Magus gave someone the idea of inventing televangelism almost 2,000 years before the TV came along. After all, since money can make Episcopalian Anglo-Catholics take a little puritan like Peter Jensen seriously, why can’t it also influence God into releasing evil-doers from purgatory a few millennia before their bell rings? My only question is this: can it work both ways? If we siphon off a few grand from parish expenses and donate it the appropriate agency could we please have a few centuries added to Martyn Minns’ time of suffering? And how much would it cost to have Rick Warren tortured where the sun don’t shine for a few weeks? If we all chip in I'm sure we could afford it: heaven knows we'd probably get a discount rate in his instance.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible

25 comments :

+clumber said...

My dear Father C,

Many tail wags and congratulations on your Standfirmest web site and your new Tick-i-licious suit of spiritual armor! It as a certain presence to your persona that I find quite stunning! I can almost picture the ABC in a similar suit... in fact, I may picture him in a similar suit!

Fr Craig said...

I immediately ran this whole indulgence thing past my Vestry. They didn't get it! In these tough times, when the poor endowment is down a third, you'd think that this surefire way to raise dough, um, offerings would be obvious. Sigh...

MadPriest said...

Father Christian
I am miffed
I simply cannot believe that after all those years of not indulging anybody, Benny has just coincidentally reintroduced the practice so soon after I started offering indulgences as competition prizes on my blog. You would think that somebody with everything that he's got could mention the humble priest from whom he blatantly stole the idea.
Mind you, I only have myself to blame, as I foolishly ignored the excellent advice in chapter one of your book, "How to make more out of God" - COPYRIGHT, COPYRIGHT, COPYRIGHT!

Pierre R. Wheaton said...

How about we refine this idea a bit. How's about we add the concept of charging for the right to remove years from purgatory and pass them on to someone whom we feel needs the extra time to reflect on their sinfulness, stew in their juices, etc. I would not mind paying a chunk of change to pass 50 years from myself to say...The Chief Duncaneer, he of the alien eyebrows. I smell money, er,uh...ministry opportunity. LOL ;-p

MadPriest said...

Wow!
I am completely bowled over by Pierre's brilliant idea. I notice he's a treasurer so he's obviously thought through the mechanics of this very thoroughly. I can see it being very popular and, more important, another way of fleecing the... whoops, I mean an important, new source of income to go towards the upkeep of the clergy (and church treasurers, of course).

Pile them high sell them higher!

Anonymous said...

It's about time that the church took on this process of trading credits. Polluting industries get to trade and buy carbon credits. So, why shouldn't the church do the same with indulgences. Think about the possibilities of taking a 10% processing charge! We could fund all of our ministries this way

Марко Фризия said...

Father Christian, In terms of appendages, could one say that Big Pete Akinola is the "strap-on" of the entire conservative Anglican movement? This title really suits him. He is turgid, artificial, penetrative, always thrusting, laughably over-sized, imparts a prick of plastic, feels most at home in a rectum, requires lubrication to function, and is always screwing someone over. And I highly doubt he would give a reach-around. Father, You are wise and always kind. And you are the epitome of chastity. Please tell me, could one describe Big Pete Akinola as a "strap-on"?

The Rev. Dr. Christian Troll said...

Yes my dear Marko, the two objects do indeed have much in common. There is, however, one significant difference between the two: given the right circumstances a strap-on can be a source of pleasure and joy - or at least useful.

Grandmère Mimi said...

Fr Christian, over the course of my childhood and youth in the Roman Catholic Church, I earned several complete indulgences (none of the plenary stuff for me), which allow me to skip purgatory altogether. I did not purchase the indulgences. I earned them by good works, such as visiting nine churches on Good Friday and making novenas.

I hope that your plan does not include plundering the treasures of those of us who have earned our complete indulgences in a proper manner through our own hard work. My understanding is that the indulgences are honored, although I am no longer a member of the RCC, and I could not support your plan if it would put my indulgences at risk.

MadPriest said...

Complete indulgences only work backwards, madam. You don't stockpile them for future wickednesses. Your disrespect for those in authority over you, especially at the OCICBW... blog, will have wiped out a thousand novenas by now.

Grandmère Mimi said...

OCICBW... blog?

I don't believe I know that one.

Lee M. Davenport said...

God bless you, Father.

Your friend of inordinate intelligence happens to be a great friend of mine. She's a great fan and turned me on to your blog. It's become a source of great enlightenment.

God bless you for your work. You're a powerful force against the proponents of whacked-minded orthodoxy.

God bless you indeed.

Lee M. Davenport said...

Марко Фризия, that was a very titillating comment. I felt a stirring in my loins as I read it. Until I got to Akinola. Then I completely lost all interest.

;-)

Lee M. Davenport said...

I love you, Grandmère Mimi. Is that wrong?

Lee M. Davenport said...

Grandmère Mimi, go here for OCICBW.

Enjoy!

Lee M. Davenport said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
MadPriest said...

Oi, Davenport!
I see your own blog is for friends only.
I can't believe you have any.
So how about opening it up for general consumption so I can link to it?
Your profile indicates that you are the right sort of ne'erdowell for the neighbourhood.

Lee M. Davenport said...

Oh, I have plenty of friends. But the parental units threatened to sue me over my last blog. They didn't like the content, to say the least.

So I hope you understand my reluctance to allow this one to be available for mass consumption.

My scribblings are rather mundane and meant primarily to keep my friends abreast of the goings on in my boring existence, but if you truly want a glimpse, you now have access. You've been warned.

Grandmère Mimi said...

Lee, it's great that you love me. How could that be wrong? I'll take all the love that I can get.

I checked your link to OCICBW. It's a wicked place. If I were you, I'd stay away from there.

Two Cents said...

My Lord Father of Wisdom. Your grace and insight lives without parallel beyond the garden walls. I follow and obey your every command (as you may recall). Yet I wonder on one thing - The advertisements that glamour your side-bars. Are these sanctioned and verified by you. May I trust them as implicitly as I trust you?

susan s. said...

Dear Father Christian, I am missing your wisdom. Are you taking Lent off from blogging or have you just been so busy dispensing your wiseness in other places?

David |Dah • veed| said...

Where in the world is the Revd Dr Troll?!?!?

I fear we must dispatch the hounds for he has neither been seen nor heard from low these many weeks!

MadPriest said...

Father Christian, attended by the ever faithful, Consuella, are taking a much needed sabbatical at the moment. Father is furthering his, already immense, knowledge of the word at the Las Vegas Four Queens Hotel & Casino Bible Convention (a little publicised event so you won't have heard of it). He will return to be among us again just as soon as the Serious Fraud Squad find something better to spend tax-payers money on.

David |Dah • veed| said...

So he is on the lam!

Señor, ten misericordia de nosotros.
Cristo, ten misericordia de nosotros.
Señor, ten misericordia de nosotros.

Lee M. Davenport said...

I was beginning to wonder why he hadn't accepted my Facebook friend request.

I thought maybe I wasn't a big enough heretic to deem worthy of his association.