Consequently when I saw the Jensen family house-elf Dobby Ould starting a new puff-piece at Viagraville about how the Sydney ‘Anglican’ diocese isn’t really like the Third Reich (of course it isn’t – Hitler never gave all the top jobs to his close relatives!) and that the Jensenistas actually have a very positive view of women’s ministry (providing, of course, that this ministry is unpaid and involves producing plenty of babies in a life of utter servitude), I knew something was afoot.
A few days later, when Lord Volderjensen permitted Dobby to make another post regarding the liberatingingly inferior position bestowed upon women in the Diocese of Mordor, despite the house-elf’s first effort having been torn to shreds by the more liberal Viagravillains (i.e. any who believe it acceptable for female children to learn how to read), it became clear +Sydney is serious about distracting folks away from more interesting matters. Sure enough, thanks to a truly disgraceful Beloved Sinner currently trapped in the land that theology forgot, I’ve discovered why: Little Peter Jensen never lost $100 million after all!!!!.
That’s right: the whole thing was just a disgraceful falsehood designed to besmirch our favorite pseudo-primate: Archbishop Jensen and the Sydney Anglican Diocese actually lost $160 million!!!! - a full 55.4 million greenbacks more than all the apostate liberal doubting-Thomases originally thought him capable of irresponsibly wasting. Forget the paltry figures earlier bandied around: the real figures in in the local media shows how well Anglicanism’s funniest fundamentalists run their own affairs – never mind everyone else’s.
The best quote of the whole affair, however comes from dear little Bishop Falstaff: the man who would have won the race to wear the Sydney Archbishop’s business suit if only his closest friends hadn’t spilled the beans when it came to the pre-election character analysis (my contacts among the Beloved Sinners of Sydney tell me everything!). This fine Calvinist hate-monger by day and bon vivant slumlord by night (who must never be allowed out on the town with Bishop Quinine), can always be relied to bring a smile (or at very least a grimace) to everyone’s face, and on this occasion he summed things up wonderfully:
''We can't work harder but we have to work wiser, more disciplined and more prayerfully.''Coming from someone whose idea of “hard work” involves attending a wine-tasting I can’t imagine what he's threatening by announcing life in Jensenland is going to be “more disciplined”, but you’d better believe Dobby and the other house-elfs are worried it’s going to leave scars.
I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.