Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Your Prophet Returns!

Well, well, well: nobody can ever say that life isn’t full of surprises when you’re the World’s Leading Doctrinal Warrior. One moment I’m enjoying a balmy 80 knot sub-zero gale in the Peri-Antarctic, and the next the satellite phone is ringing with little Peter Akinola on the line in a terrible state, utterly distraught at learning the manna that’s been falling on his expense accounts courtesy of little Pete Jensen’s Diocese of Sydney is about to be no more.

Naturally I reminded him that that this was something I’d warned everyone about last December - but you know kids today: do you think any senior Gafconeers paid me attention? No, I'm afraid it was just a case of Business Class as usual while little Peter Jensen tried to bluff his way out of trouble. the problem is that while you can hide cash, bullion, and Blood Diamonds for as long as you want providing one's bodily cavities can stand the strain, bills and creditors always refuse to remain invisible. Even concrete boots offer only a temporary solution: eventually tell-tale body parts invariably break off and float to the surface. Unless a problem wants to stay hidden, (like Jimmy Hoffa, our head of Parish Security and Construction, or Lord Lucan, the St. Onuphrius’ HR coordinator), you’d better believe some nosey blogger will start making a noise about it.

Since poor big Pete was incoherent with grief, it was thanks to a link from Father David Heron that I was able to make sense of the latest fuss: a little further research dished up this article which a Sydney prisoner-of-conscience has emailed, saying it was actually on the front page of their leading newspaper. Just as I'd warned everyone, little Pete Jensen has managed to misplace an awful of lot his parishioners money in the course of trying to prove he’s the smartest guy in the room.

Despite my trying to calm big Pete by explaining the loss wasn’t as bad as it might have been: in reality it only amounted to the paltry sum of 100 million Australian dollars, which at current exchange rates is a mere US$81,662,200.00, he didn’t seem able to stop screaming hysterically. When, in an effort to make things clearer, I said that’s about 12 Billion Nigerian Naira he fainted. One of his assistants then grabbed the phone, demanding to know if Little Pete Jensen had been caught in some kind of internet scam, but I fear the lad couldn’t believe that there are far more efficient ways of separating the foolish and their money than simple-but-good old-fashioned 419 frauds.

Since then you wouldn't believe how many calls I've received from terrified Gafconeers pleading for my help, and so as an indication of my immeasurable pastoral compassion, I am – even as I write these words – on my way back to dear old Ichabod Springs, where I’ve no doubt I’ll be able to concoct a way for the Lord to sort out all this mess.

After all, while this might seem to you like a simple case of a few evangelicals getting carried away after finding a way to enjoy all the thrills of the roulette wheel with none of the risk of being caught inside a sinful casino, the reality is it’s going to have serious implications for the global schism. Sure little Bobby Duncan’s show isn’t going to be too troubled: indeed, anything that curbs continued African incursion into what he’s already seeing as “his” territory will bring a smile to his face when he thinks no one’s watching, but you’d better believe little David Short’s hope of funding an appeal should Vancouver courts take the same view of theft as those in New York and Colorado have just vanished. And it’s more likely than not that naughty little Archbishop Mokiwa of Tanzania is going to “have other obligations” next time there’s a Primate’s Council junket; given the choice between ensuring the extensive network of Sydney missionaries in that country can continue eating, and whizzing the Dude of Dodoma to some ritzty conference I rather suspect little Pete will announce that he’ll be speaking on ++Tanzania’s behalf.

Oh it’s great to be back! I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible!

5 comments :

Fred Schwartz said...

Unless you are very special Father Christian (and you may be) I do not think anyone's profit has returned -- at least not yet.

Rick+ said...

Thank God, you're back! I was unconsolable in your absence!

David |Dah • veed| said...

But Fred, there are US banks demanding to repay US$64 billion is stimulus funds. They must have returned to profit. No?

Anonymous said...

Mr Dear Fr. Christian.

I am appalled at your comments! I detect among them the possibility, the hint of an inference that you could be questioning the talented, bountiful and always beneficent fiscal ministrations of the preeminent Anglican diocese of the GAFCON community, more properly, the Anglican Communion, and more properly still, the universe.

Fr., I must speak to you in Christian witness as I am called by Scripture. It is not yours to criticize, nay, even proffer a hint of criticism of your betters. And the Jensens, true witnesses to GAFCON faith are your betters! Even if proved true that they were fiscally ill-advised by those unworthy of the trust they placed in them, the implication that these scions of Sydney virtue bear some blame is outrageous! Let me remind you that, without the Jensens, we would lack the GAFCON prophetic witness of evangelical divines like David Ould, master theologian and guardian at the gate of our most beloved web voice, (second only to that of the most virtuous, David Virtue), Stand Firm. No one, even its founders have been so willing and quick to remove the voice of dissident heretics and insure its purity. Again, without the Jensens, the whole of Australia would be writhing in the pit of evil. Sydney, great lion of God, alone stands bearing the torch of true reformed religion in that cesspool of revisionist iniquity. Because of the Jensens, Moore College, cradle of GAFCON”s future, beams forth its light of GAFCON truth and certainty,

I recently reviewed your horrid column on the subject of our most beloved and respected Donald Armstrong. Again I detected a hint of your clear deviation from the truth set before you. The manner in which your comments were made was truly offensive. You referenced that horrid little imp Emily H, ---finally, and most rightfully, now banned from Stand Firm by, again by that most earnest steward of truth David Ould,--- and, by so doing, drew attention to a matter of which no GAFCON leader should ever take note let alone leave open the possibility of discussion.

I would hope that, in the future, you will address yourself solely to matters that should be of your concern, St. Onufrius' coffers and their increase, not the coffers of your brothers in GAFCON ministry. If concerns are to be raised, they are to be raised by those far higher in GAFCON monetary splendor and radiance. On that note, please be advised that I have forwarded a copy of your most recent words of transgression to my lords Akinola and Orombi.

Sincerely,
A friend, in counsel and concern only for your well being

Father David Heron said...

http://www.triumphnewspapers.com/mark1162009.html

Dear Prophet
I notice that a Nigerian Government Senator has accused Anglican "religious leaders in Nigeria of not living by the tenets of their teachings, lamenting that many of their actions fuel corruption and other social vices". This includes blackmailing politicians for the clergy's own financial gain.
I fear, Fr Christian, that your whole GAFCON movement may be in danger of imminent collapse through financial impropriety, greed and wreckless gambling.
Could you not send Lord Lucan to have a stern word with Big Pete?