Tuesday, December 16, 2008

"The manna stopped the day after..." (Joshua 5:12)

Carried ever so faintly upon the breeze this morning was a strange keening sound: the cry of a Mercedes dealer somewhere in Nigeria wailing. Turning my head in a slightly different direction brought a different lament: that of a Ugandan property developer heartbroken at learning plans for an impressive diocesan mansion and “ministry complex” had been cancelled.

In fact all through the rest of today I could hear songs of misery arising from the far-flung corners of the GAFCON empire: the kind of deep grief only heard when snouts are being wrenched from the trough, and I can’t deny than an uneasiness began developing in my wise and righteous spirit.

Finally now all has just now been revealed to me in a missive from an inmate of the charming concentration camp known as Sydney Anglicanism. It seems the world’s recent economic unpleasantries have not so much touched little Peter Jensen’s domain as beaten it about the head with a stick.

Naturally little Peter’s serfs and relatives are doing all they can to keep this a secret, but the world’s richest diocese is about to start auctioning off the silverware after losing a paltry $68 million (Yes, you read that amount correctly, and No, there’s not going to be any punch line involving somebody’s late husband and the need to confidentially transfer it out of an Ivory Coast bank) in the kind of transactions for which Lehman Brothers shall go down in history.

What’s more, the impeccably-bred evangelical investment advisor responsible for the Jensen family-firm's decision to invest heavily in such sure-things as the U.S. sub-prime market appears to have been summarily relocated to “other ministry areas”, which is normally a subtle code for work involving the mining of salt, or locating land-mines with a bicycle pump and a few lengths of elastic.

All of which means, of course, that the rain of Sydney-scented manna which has thus far fallen upon the global faithful is about to dry up for good. Little Pete’s bond-servants (or “clergy” as they’re known elsewhere) have been told to forget about any additional funding in the coming year, and to instead prepare themselves for a big increase in future franchise fees parish assessments. Meanwhile a certain former son of Sydney now causing much mischief in Canada reportedly found a recent trip to drum up funding for his forthcoming legal battle to retain parish property far less rewarding than he had hoped, and doubtless more than a few lawyers for ACNE (or whatever the new not-a-province is called) will also find the well a lot shallower than they’d been led to believe. And what’s the bet Big Pete Akinola starts spending a lot less time at the pointy end of a plane?

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

20 comments :

Raspberry Rabbit said...

Fr Christian

I am looking desperately for some hyperlink - those blue things, you know - which lead you somewhere else. My stepson is off at school and so he's not here to advise me. It's not that I don't trust you sir, it's just that we all have these dreams, both the sort that cause our wives to wonder what the smile is on our face and the sort that cause us to sit bolt upright in bed looking for the Scotch bottle. It takes a few moments to realize that this is a dream. Sydney, forced to look outside the immediate family for funds, Akinola unable to fly. David Short rattling a can on the corner of Robson and Cambie in Vancouver with a santa hat on his head. It's all too terrible! Have you woken yet, sir, is it still real once you're up and have had a drink?

Raspberry Rabbit
Languishing in the Pentland Hills

Fred Schwartz said...

Dear Father Christian:

Given the infallible words that all our orthodox brethren use to otherwise thump those of us to slow to really catch their drift "do unto others before they do unto you" is it possible that one or more of these great fellows may spend at least fortnight (is a fithnight too much to hope for?) in the graybar hotel?

Anonymous said...

Ah but what of the Dominionist Savings and Loan FORTUNES! The Banco de Pitts? Surely, the chief ¨Stoners and Chief Thugginski´s¨ are invested wisely enough to provide great offerings to the clusters of withchunters they´ve been paying off on the Everdarker Continent? Are there to be dried up dividends after generating all that fear and hate amongst the emotionally/spiritually challenged? Are there to be no Chickens in every Pot, or Wild Bore, or Pellican Wings at the great selectively invited weiner/whiners feast? No big boxes of cash for blowhards to line their robes with as they scurry off into the rosy, yet artificial, sunsets of their own self-deceiving?

Get it while you can, grab-it and run! The End is near/fear!

*Deck the Falls, Virginia
*Grace means Grace and St. Stevens, Colorado
*Illusions and Mirage Society of Death Valley, San Joaquin
*Newport, Long Beach, North Hollywood Creepers
*Pittsburgh Pirates
*Quincy Jellies
*Fort Worthington Dodgers
*Southern Conealoners

Fr Craig said...

Fr. C - I am fairly sure that Coors, Ahmendsen, Scaiffe et all will find a few extra dollars to contribute. Unless they had their funds invested with the 'massive Ponzie scheme' guy, heaven forfend.

David |Dah • veed| said...

Is that A$68M or US$68M?

The Rev. Dr. Christian Troll said...

My dear Dah|veed - given the nature of plumage upon the little bird whispering in my sweet ear, I'd suspect it's Australian dollars, which according to the calculator the kind folks at Google brought me to is about $44.25 million - still more than enough for Bishop Quinine and myself to enjoy at least several good nights out.

As for links, my languishing Rabbit, I haven't been able to find any either, but in that end of the world it usually takes at least a few days for loose lips to start working their magic. The sweetly rotund Mr. Short (wasn't he a character in Reservoir Dogs?Or one of a series of books for small children?) mightn't be quite yet ready to start scraping windscreens on a Vancouver intersection for spare change, but he may find his lawyers much less eager to notch up another billable unit marked "Consult client - telephone, general".

Nor would this be enough to cause Sydney to start shaking down outsiders for funds, but nothing hinders territorial ambitions like a few spoiled-but-hungry young men at home wondering why the teat has suddenly grown less forthcoming.

Of course there's no shortage of other rich-but-gullible billionaires able to top up the North American war chest, but whether their munificence extends to dear old England and Lagos is quite another question.

We shall see...

Wormwood's Doxy said...

Oooooooh....Santa arrived early!

Cheers (and I mean that!),
Doxy

Anonymous said...

Oh no, the African/Conealone Bishopmill fashion business will take a overlybrocaded, overly inventoried with bobbles, flashy trims and bangles turn downward, downward toward, can you believe it, the ¨everything is going to HELL in a handwoven Ugandan handbasket¨ (again/still)! YIKES, more blame preaching, shame casting and self-deceit building!

The World famous, sorta, Matching Mitre, churn-em-out, extra tall/wide department, making pointed toppies for the biggest of bloated bodies is headed toward slippery silk-stained strained ruin...and all those grandiose thinking Anglican liverlipped heads are in for a mumble and tumble on the Akinolian stock-em-up, grab what you can, open them foreign accounts, imprison the rest, damnation once delivered, put-em-in-the-stocks exchange!

Oh sweet princes, may you soon war dance to a different tune in a different saloon...there simply isn´t a solid business in fear and hate-mongering no matter what the whiteboy bigots initiate.

You´ve overspent! REPENT!

The Reverend Gretchen Longgrabber-Peron

Grandmère Mimi said...

Fr Christian, this is quite a scoop of a story. Bravo!

Keening from all directions? Your poor ears.

Doorman-Priest said...

So, no new world order then?

Doorman-Priest said...

Dear Father Christian

I Scalextric
1 Mountain bike
Lots of money
Those C.Ds I fancy - you know the ones
A leather jacket
A long weekend in Budapest for two

No socks, ties, aftershave (unless it is really expensive this year) hankies or books on religion thank you very much.

I have been very good this year so I deserve them.

Cany said...

Lions and tigers and bears oh my?

Well, maybe the tigers are left.

Anonymous said...

Fr. Christian. I am deeply concerned. What will be the likely impact of these horrendous losses on Sydney's evangelical nursery Moore College? For here is the womb of true Christian faith ,GAFCON theology, and most important, unambiguous and certain articulation of Christ's priorities for all Christian brothers and sisters. ... Taste and See its wisdom...from the mouth of its leader. Viz.:http://markdthompson.blogspot.com/2008/12/leadership-vs-control.html"It [leadership] involves exciting people with the gospel mission all over again, clearing away the hindrances to that mission, and exemplifying its concerns in public and in private. His [+Cantuar's] refusal to provide an unambiguous call to repentance on the part of those practicing and endorsing behaviour that the Bible labels as sin (and here I am thinking of homosexual behaviour) raises a host of questions"

Sydney, harbor of clear vision, evangelical and pure leadership, a beacon to all nations and a joy to those who live in darkness (especially those who live in a Conradian "heart of darkness") Please tell me its bastion of righteousness, Moore College, will not be affected by this economic disaster, an ecomic disaster clearly perpetrated by North America's theological revisionists?

Leonardo Ricardo said...

So, no new world order then? DP

That, is hysterically funny!

I guess the Network Nutsbags will be moving to Latin America just like the Nazi´s did...just when the Hitleresque third generation has been pasturized, defanged, defrothed, degoosestepped and assimilated into a notch or two lower than High Society...now we´ve got another wave of sh*t to hit the culture fantan?

The Rev. Dr. Christian Troll said...

Dear Anonymous:

Worry not - I've always been of the understanding that since the young and impressionable inmates of Moore College must pay handsome fees for the privilege of their indoctrination it is what conservative theologians know as a "revenue-positive ministry". As such there's not much likelihood of little Pete making any cuts in that direction - although being the close relative of a corrupt-&-Jensen-friendly bishop might soon no longer be the only academic qualification neccesary to receive an all epenses paid scholarship.

Of more concern is, as you quite correctly suggest, the impact this maight have on little Ducky Thompson's ambition to be the world's first evango-fundie travel writer. All that effort simply won't seem worthwhile if he's forced to travel economy class, and how edifying can us mere readers possibly find his work if it hasn't been produced while he was enjoying a sensual foot-massage from a clearly heterosexual Qantas steward who used to be a fireman and still enjoys working out regularly?

Anonymous said...

Rev. Dr. Troll. What is this thing "economy class" and why would any GAFCON primate or devine fly it? I believe in your comment above you have overlooked the true pillar of GAFCON theology, The Rev. Dr. Stephen Noll. Vice Chancellor of Uganda Christian University. He is the true and unblemmished vessel of a pure African GAFCON spirituality free from any taint of western colonialism. Have you not read the "Road to Lambeth" that he co-authored? Are you unaware of the role he plays on GAFCON's tgeological committee or the number of frequent flyer miles he has racked up in the cause? His detractors might mention his US birth, canonical residency in Pittsburgh, his faculty position at Trinity or even his stint at Truro as evidence to imply that his southern hemishere roots are not deep or that his position at Uganda Christian is traditionally that of chief fundraiser not theologian, but for true and faithful GAFCON servants, are not these roles but of one salvific whole? I am aghast that your above comments have seemingly ignored his seminal contribution to GAFCON's African origin and African spirit in favor of that little islander from Moore.

susan s. said...

Dear Fr. Troll,

Have you been in another country and away from your computer? It has been almost a week, and we hunger for more of your wisdom! I hope you are not under the weather or that your flock who are usually so obedient to your word are not giving you any flack.

Boaz said...

Batman: It's a poem Robin.

"The uncle of Molly
put his brolly on a Trolly
and in so doing
brought an end to the folly?"

Robin: Holy kidnapping Batman! "The uncle of Molly with the brolly" must be the Penguin, and "the Trolly" must be the missing Father Christian Troll!

Batman: Well done Robin. Our bird-brained fiend is holding Father Troll as we speak.

To the Batcave, and Robin, put on your spandex rubber suit old chum, you never know where we may end up.

Grandmère Mimi said...

Boaz, that's a work of genius.

Boaz said...

We do what we can to serve, Grandmere Mimi. The forces of evil never rest but good will prevail and remember, anyone can be rehabilitated.