Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Blame Bush, not Prayer

When it comes to praying, Bible-believers should understand that if you get what you asked for it’s always proof of God’s omnipotent power, as well as of your own unquestionable faith and righteousness - no matter how trivial your request.

If, on the other hand, nothing happens, the normal course of action is to piously mumble something about “obedience to our Father’s will” and never again breathe a word about the matter. Which is how many of my fellow-but-weaker Bible-believers have responded to last November’s election result.

Yet I believe it’s time for Faithful Christians to seize the upper hand in these matters. After all, why should the Liberals be the only ones enjoying the thrill of gloating? Sure we didn’t get what we hoped for – a vice-president who could have single-handedly saved the economy by selling nude pictures of themselves to Southern Baptists – but that’s still no reason to keep silent when opportunities to flaunt the superiority of our beliefs come begging.

Take for example George W. Bush’s latest pronouncement that “the Bible is probably not literally true”. Clearly the self-described “simple president” has given up trying to woo the Bible-belt. (which is perfectly understandable to anyone who’s ever tried to invite some of them around to the Rectory for a friendly evening of cards and porno movies), but I can’t for the life of me understand why everyone whose prayers for a Republican victory weren’t answered sn’t gleefully jumping up and down and pointing their fingers in blame at the cause of their requests having been denied.

Surely it’s obvious? The faithful were deceived by a party which had allowed the seed of unbelief to take root. Nothing was our fault, and there was certainly nothing wrong with Miss. Moose Maiden. God simply wouldn’t bless our grits because there were weevils in the cornflower. It was all their fault. Queers and Liberals are to blame once again. But together we’ve cleaned up and made a whole new start for Jesus with God’s mighty help. So please everyone, get behind us on this and….

See how simple it is to spin things one’s own way even if God didn’t exactly make it start raining cookies like you asked him to? Even more wonderful is how many people fall for this old routine no matter how many times they’ve heard it. Mark my words, you’ll be hearing it a lot more in about three-and-a-half years time.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

2 comments :

Fred Schwartz said...

I have prayed for the last 8 years that George W. Bush is not literally true. Oh well.

Cany said...

He isn't, Fred. So see, God was with you.

And if he isn't, it's all the lib's fault. And you know who you are.