Monday, December 8, 2008

Season's Greetings (Happy Holidays!)

The more times I read Big Pete’s Sunday Tribune interview, the more I appreciate his deep understanding of what really matters in this world. I’m particularly impressed with his tirade against inappropriate Christmas cards:
“As a matter of fact, I saw a card with the inscription, season greetings, and I said what season? Winter season or rainy season? If we are celebrating Christmas, then we are celebrating Christmas season, not any other season but the birth of the Christ.”
He’s absolutely correct of course: Christmas is the season of Christ: a time to mouth platitudes like “peace on earth and goodwill to all” which are, of course, completely irrelevant at any other time of the year. It’s a time to deck the halls with boughs of Holly (although this year both our parishioners named Holly fled town in late November, and so we’ve been forced to decorate the halls with Terri-Lea, LaFawnda, and a very handsome body-builder called “Blade”); to kiss strangers under the mistletoe (as well as to convince them that we really do have a part of our bodies called the mistletoe “down there”); and to purchase large and expensive presents for our Rector (are you paying attention Evangelical Eric????!!!).

It’s also a season for Holidays, since only pagans, Liberals, and Evangelical Curates work over Christmas. That’s why, as Archbishop and Esteemed Saviour of Christians Everywhere Akinola is so correct in being angry at people sending cards which say only “Seasons Greetings”. These fail to mention the whole point of the season, which is for virtuous men like myself and him to have a holiday. This Christmas I hope all of you will heed his message closely, and like me only send cards bearing the salutation “Happy Holidays”. In fact why not send Big Pete a card like that yourself: his address is: Archbishop's Palace , PO Box 212 ADCP , Abuja , NIGERIA. I am, and I know he’d love to hear from you also: I can already feel a warm glow from knowing how much he’ll appreciate receiving this greeting from all around the world, and anyone wanting to especially bless him can do much worse than follow the splendid suggestion from Nom de Plume on Thinking Anglicans and “include a request for bank information so he can receive the $150,000,000 left him by his long-lost gay uncle in America”. I’ve no doubt Akinola will be delighted to see how the decadent west has already learned so much from his province’s example.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

5 comments :

Two Cents said...

My Lord - I shall be sure to add Pete to the list of recipients of my photocopied buttocks this joyous season, and on it I shall wish him a, "Merry Crack-Mass".

Anonymous said...

Oh please, +Petey doesn´t actually read anything ever/anymore, surely you´ve noticed...afterall, the burden of carrying in the mailbags filled with solicitations for Bishophood are HUGE! The now bishop Tunde´s, former staff of 3,013 volunteer proof readers, are handling the daily stuffing of form reply letters, waxing +Petes ring seal and are depositing the ¨Intiate Your Holy Process¨ checks that come in from some of the most remote parts of the world and are written by people with names like Billy Jack and Spencer Jerry Dean...sure, anybody can be a mailorder priest, that´s easy, and a different department, but the all new HOLIDAY SEASON BISHOP PACKAGE includes a round trip to Nigeria by Sleigh, The Yelwa Worshop and Jos Tour and Mitre covering white Hood fittings with optional eye cut outs.

Fa La La La La, La La, La La!

Martha Jubee Sarah Jones
Sweetwater Junction
Frognasty County
Rural Route IX

WadeMcClay said...

What a marvelous idea! I'll send a special "Season's Greetings" card to Archbishop Alka-Seltzer today!

Fred Schwartz said...

Fr. Christian,

I am now incredibly dismayed and depressed. My entire Christmas has now been ruined. Big Pete says that Season's Greeting means Fall or Winter? I have for years, been sending my cards wit ha little salt or sugar or All spice or pepper or Chile Powder. My card list is about 60 and each year my friends have received from me a small token of my love, usually I would sprinkle some nutmeg, or onion powder (not salt in these modern days) or galic powder in the card. Just enough for the next recipe they were about to unfold on their family. This has simply wrecked my holidays. Is Mr. Akinola sure about this? Could there be some mistake? Should I write to the New York Times and ask them if there is a Seasons Greetings?

David |Dah • veed| said...

Fred, you must set off all kinds of alarms in the US postal system with the powders you enclose.

Shades of anthrax or the unibomber!