Monday, June 15, 2009

Introducing GAFCON Explained.

Lately I’ve noticed an increasing number of visitors here who aren’t Christians. Some of them appear to be Southern Baptists, or from the Sydney Anglican Diocese (which is the same thing, except Baptists are generally better dancers), while others come from more orthodox and peaceful cults, like Scientology or Aum Shinrikyo. Either way, much of what appears here is beyond the capability of an unredeemed and sinful mind to comprehend.

Normally when encountering such people I simply brush them aside. Unless of course they're wealthy, in which case I toady up to them in the hope of extracting an impressive Surplice fee for officiating at a society wedding or funeral. Yet given the global financial crisis, and increasing reluctance of rich suckers affluent unbelievers to be separated from their money, wise clergymen like my good self (is there any other type of wise clergyman?) are growing reluctant to discard potential converts, irrespective of how unimpressive their social standing may be.

Consequently I’ve decided to commence an occasional series which will eventually comprise a practical tool for evangelizing those whom might in less austere times be legitimately dismissed as worthless. It will not only explain Orthodox Christianity and the Glorious GAFCON movement to those destined for eternal torment, but it will even do it in such a way as to render those drawn by the spirit to read it as absolutely without excuse for not agreeing with everything I’ve ever said – or ever will say.

Over the coming month I intend covering the following topics:

  1. Who are GAFCON Christians?

  2. The Bible

  3. The Gospel

  4. The Sacrament of Homophobia

  5. Bigotry

  6. Ordination & the Penis

  7. Acronyms: Religious Shortcuts Explained

  8. Church Realignment And Planting

When we’ve finished I’m sure you’ll all agree I’ll have blessed you with something that may even come to outrank the Alpha Course - although if it does you’d better believe I won’t be sharing any royalties with Charles Marnham. Not that I believe dear little Nicky Gumbel has either, but it’s always best to be clear about these matters from the outset.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

1 comment :

Father David Heron said...

Dear Fr
I was wondering if, like Mr Gumboil, you might publish your forth-coming teachings in easy-to-read pamphlet form for your more simple readers. My parishioners might benefit from using "Ordination & the Penis" as a study-aid next Lent.May I humbly suggest that you, being a man of immense generosity,donate 10% of the royalties to thousands of your destitute Baptist readers in the Third World, who have lost EVERYTHING on the Stock Market.
PS Have you noticed how members of extremist sects always abbreviate their first names:
e.g. NICKY Gumboil, TOM Cruise, MATT Kennedy?