Sunday, June 7, 2009

Greetings from the Peri-Antarctic!

My Dear Wicked Sinners – The clouds have broken long enough to get a signal through on the satellite phone, and I know you will all be inspired by news of the great works being accomplished here on God’s behalf.

Firstly we flew down to Ushuaia, Tierra Del Fuego, where we met the support ship chartered to take us out to what will soon become Christendom’s most southerly cone. The flight was wonderful, since by affecting terrible hacking coughs, and claiming we were all swine-herds (technically not that far from the truth given we are a GAFCON ministry team) all the other passengers cancelled, giving us the plane to ourselves.

Bishop Quinine is simply terrified of flying, and he spent the entire trip with his head between his knees, braced for a crash which of course never occurred. I’ve often wondered about the “emergency position” flight attendants demonstrate, since I’ve never actually heard of anyone saying “thankfully I survived our collision with a mountain because I was bent over double and attempting to sniff my genitals”. Then again, as I watched Bishop Quinine it became clear how comforting it must be for men to spend their final moments gazing at their favourite possession. As a GAFCON Priest, however, I would be called to serve others to the very end; I’d be collecting the offertory and ranting about homosexuality.

On boarding our ship I was delighted to see our new helicopter mounted on the aft deck as per my instructions. Purchased from the estate of a recently deposed dictator and only used to take outspoken persons of integrity on short one-way flights over crocodile-infested rivers, it really is a marvellous machine. Flying it looks far easier than the manual makes it appear: obviously it’s just a matter of pulling a few levers and turning a switch or two. However during the course of my morning devotions I felt the Spirit calling me to forgo the opportunity to acquire this new skill as an act of devotional humility. Instead it became clear I should give the manual to Evangelical Eric and order him to fly around on my behalf. While I’m certainly no Charismatic, it’s always useful to remain open to the Spirit’s voice, as it can from time to time be quite convenient. In accordance with the Scriptures this Word was subsequently confirmed by my Ministry Team (with the exception of Eric, but Curates never count), although Brother Richthofen rightly pointed out if anything were to happen to Eric there’d be nobody to pedal the generator at night.

In which case we I can think of a few Bishops who’d be delighted to receive the helicopter as a gift, and who’re also arrogant enough to believe they can fly the thing. After all, if they think a secret committee can solve the mystery that is sexuality…

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

6 comments :

MadPriest said...

" I was delighted to see our new helicopter mounted on the aft deck..."

I hope, Sir, that, at the very least, it was by another helicopter!

Robert said...

and I hope even more that it was indeed a helicopter of the opposite sex!

Leonardo Ricardo said...

¨...only used to take outspoken persons of integrity on short one-way flights over crocodile-infested rivers, it really is a marvellous machine.¨ DCT

...and, they come back so much more spiritually healthy after the cleansing...or not. Orombi does the same thing but doesn´t use a helicopter (now that´s a good excuse for another cash/fundraiser).

MadPriest said...

Hear, hear, Robert.

It's bad enough that people have taken to bonking elephants and camels and stuff because of same sex marriage -as we were warned by our pastors. To find out that sailors and other low sorts are now taking up with any bit of machinery that's lying around the place, would be too much for this orthodox believer. It could end up forcing me to write a letter of complaint.

Canon Itchy said...

Superb prose, Fr Christian! Indeed!

I’ve often wondered about the “emergency position” flight attendants demonstrate, since I’ve never actually heard of anyone saying “thankfully I survived our collision with a mountain because I was bent over double and attempting to sniff my genitals”. Then again, as I watched Bishop Quinine it became clear how comforting it must be for men to spend their final moments gazing at their favourite possession.

Jim said...

I always wondered what sailors did on long voyages, or rather whom. To learn the flying machines are at risk from GAFCON lay sailing staff is hardly surprising.

Happily, none of the various verses regarding Sodom prohibit man - helicopter relationships. And as the helicopter has undoubtedly consented under Ugandan canon -- no problem! Besides I am not related to any flying machines.

If you do donate the machine to one of several deserving bishops; we can all live in some hope. After all the other name for a helicopter is "chopper!"

FWIW
jimB