Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Bishop Quinine & the Siren Song of Mommy Blogs.

To be perfectly honest I’m getting a little worried about Bishop Quinine. The story of little April Rose and Beccah Beushausen seems to have affected him more than might be considered normal.

Last night he began ranting obsessively about “Mommy blogs”, and how they were the key to internet fame, wealth, and gratuitous casual sex. Normally as avid a reader of the Anglican/Episcopalian blogosphere as can be found, he instead began insisting that the real voices of new journalism can only be found in those sites dealing with the minutiae of such issues as breast feeding, infant regurgitation, and the challenges of home-schooling children with names like Jeremiah, Keziah, and Rake. Warming to this theme, my poor Prelate then starting dreaming of a day when GAFCON offers homespun remedies for infantile gastroenteritis (“Tie three feathers and a fermenting jackfruit around your little one’s neck, then read Galatians together every evening until the problem clears”) instead of hard-hitting Biblical exposition.

Not that Mommy blogs don’t have their place. Take Hostillium, for example: the smoldering sensuality beneath her passive-aggressive veneer not infrequently touches me in ways I haven’t experienced since accidentally setting fire to my dromedary costume. Yet I dare say the signs were there a few weeks ago, when Bishop Quinine began insisting she was sending us secret messages, which could only be deciphered by writing each word of her posts onto small pieces of paper, then drawing them randomly from a hat to reassemble them into new sentences. Clearly the seeds of his Mommy Blog delusion were already taking root, although to be fair there was an uncanny poetry in the results, and it did accurately describe the obvious yearnings for me that I know the little Calvinist Cutie keeps hidden deep inside – a yearning which must forever remain unrequited, but which will nevertheless always burn beneath the surface of her writing. Not to mention the way she calls it “Homescholing” in her blogspot labels (perhaps putting two “o”s in the one word violates some secret orthodox moral precept?).

Still, on a more prosaic level, the local Police have just phoned to say dear old +Quinine’s been caught attempting to join a Titus 2 Birthing Class, insisting that the pillow stuffed down the front of his shirt is really “a precious little miracle-baby” that the Spirit has told him is to be christened “Venalballs”. Since he doesn’t appear to have profited from this delusion (other than having persuaded some kind-hearted old lady to start knitting him a pair of size 10 pink woollen booties), they’ll be bringing home without pressing charges – but I’ve got a feeling we haven’t seen the end of this…

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

11 comments :

Leonardo Ricardo said...

Kathy Rateliff+ is a inspiration to many, many, many, including Bishop Quinine no doubt...there is enough of Kathy to please any group of multitudes it seems...Bishop Quinine out rightly be considered a multitude all on his own but beware of all those false others. I hope, and dearly so, that Bishop Quinine wasn´t ¨taken in¨ by the overly obvious plunging of Kathy´s neckline and welcoming grin...he´s such a sweet, innocent and vulnerable saintly chap...it pays to be cautious even amongst our very own.

Doorman-Priest said...

I can get gratuitous casual sex from the INTERNET? Why didn't you tell me sooner?

Father David Heron said...

Dear Dr Troll
Unlike yourself, most of us don't wear shades all day to protect our vision from the worst excesses of the Internet. The woman to whom you refer - Mrs Hostillium - calls her husband 'Gladys'. She writes: "Gladys drug me out of bed...screaming for milk and kicking me".
Is it necessary for a GAFCON leader to draw to the attention of sensitive Anglicans something containing gratuitous violence and pornography?

Father David Heron said...

Sorry to bother you once again, Dr Troll.
Every day without fail, my humble blog is read by people from a place called "Binghampton". I don't know where it is, but I am beginning to feel a spiritual affinity with the place. Have you ever preached there? Do you know a Vicar with whom I might do a pulpit-swap? I envisage forming a close bond so that my parishioners may even visit and Binghampton folks can come here. Do you think we will all get on in loving fellowship? It sounds lovely.

Lynn said...

Ah, does this mean that Bishop Quinine has decided to keep the baby? PTL.

Grandmère Mimi said...

...although to be fair there was an uncanny poetry in the results, and it did accurately describe the obvious yearnings for me that I know the little Calvinist Cutie keeps hidden deep inside – a yearning which must forever remain unrequited, but which will nevertheless always burn beneath the surface of her writing.

A tour de force explication of the Calvinist Cutie's writings that surely deserves an award of some sort for you, Fr Christian - and a permanent placement on the CC's sidebar.

gerry said...

My Dear Father David,

"Binghampton" is the most common misspelling of Binghamton, a small city in upstate NY.

Most recently it made the news as the site of the American Civic Association Massacre when 14 people died at the hands of a tormented soul.

Binghamton is also home to the Anglican (Kenyan) Church of the Good Shepherd, and its Rector, the Rev. Mr. Matt Kennedy of SFIF, and his wife the Rev. Mrs. Anne Kennedy.

We at Trinity Memorial Episcopal are in discernment and search for our 10th Rector. Please visit trinitymemorial.org

Christ Episcopal Church will be celebrating it's Bicentennial in 2010 under the leadership of it's Rector, the Very Rev. Mr. John Martinicchio.

gerry said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Father David Heron said...

Thank you, Gerry. I always think it a bit odd that a priest should marry a priest. So I may come to Trinity Memorial instead. Not that I have anything against people from Kenya.

The Rev. Dr. Christian Troll said...

Yes Lyn - he has indeed chosen to keep the baby. Since the Police were unable to charge with him anything (being a nut-case hanging around fundamentalist birthing classes is not only perfectly legal, but actually obligatory), his pillow "baby" was returned to him.

We've tried explaining it's nothing but a bag of air, foam stuffing and duck feathers - but he just replies by pointing out that's a disability which hasn't impeded a certain Primate of the Southern Cone, and that we've no right to make presumptions about his baby's future quality of life...

The Rev. Dr. Christian Troll said...

PS Lynn - my apologies for leaving off your second "n" - I've just been speaking to a conference of homescholers and my speeling is a bit out of wakk.