Monday, June 1, 2009

Guest Blogger: Tomás de Torquemada

”I wish that I knew what I know now when I was younger”: here in Hell the only Rod Stewart permitted is from his later years, but because this features the Corrs it was allowed, and believe me I’m not the only one around here who just can’t get the tune out of their head.

Granted, since internet access here is limited to 14kb dial-up (it is Hell, after all), not everyone has the patience to download everything they’d like: if MadPriest were to ever see how frustrated Joseph Smith gets waiting for the OCICBW Deviant-Disco numbers to play he’d be posting 70’s funk three times a day! And there shouldn’t be anyone surprised to learn that both Cromwell and Matthew Hopkins work themselves into fits of rage over everything Leonardo Ricardo and Cany write.

Still, there’s one blog everyone here always thinks is worth the wait: GAFCON. Partly that’s because we all love seeing the tradition of using Christ’s name to persecute those whom He came to liberate is alive and well, but also because it’s always so exciting to see today’s Inquisitors building upon the foundations we laid down so long ago.

Back in the day we tried to convince people that things we didn’t like or understand outraged God. Conservative leaders could enjoy the power-rush that comes with a good auto-da-fé because they’d convinced the masses that the minority-de-jour infuriated our loving heavenly Father. Modern Conservative leaders, however, have managed to leave this middle step out altogether, or at least to reduce the notion of God’s involvement in the process to a mere afterthought. Unlike us, they rarely try and claim the sinner is offending God – in the principal of “keeping it simple” they just say the sinner is offensive.

It’s a subtle shift, but you’ve only got to see how miserable it makes countless people’s lives to know how effective it is. This way it doesn’t matter if potential allies share one’s own theology – or even if they don’t believe in God at all. Just as long as they aren’t prepared to stand up for your chosen victims one is free to enlist any supporter one can find: Mormon, Dominican, or Baptist, God can be pushed into second position behind whatever your common bigotry might be.

While we tried to fabricate some kind of intellectual and theological justification for the terror we caused, today’s Inquisition looks as though it’s going to be founded on nothing more than prejudice and hot air – who knows what I and the Brothers could have achieved if we’d realised all you need to do is, like Father Christian and his imitators (speaking of whom: has everyone heard that David Virtue’s name is down for the cell next to Messalina’s? Which means it’s not only you lot up there who sometimes wonder…), talk about how you talk about the Bible. “Ooh la la”, as Rod Stewart warbles: the hours of work we could have spared ourselves…

But that’s enough for now: Jerry Falwell is about to present a new “family” musical he’s been working on since joining us, and attendance is compulsory. It is Hell, after all.


Fred Schwartz said...

Well, there can be only one response to this most unusual post:
"Aha, no one ever expects the Spanish Inquisition!"

Leonardo Ricardo said...

¿What Spanish Inquistion?

Reality, it just takes a little getting used to...tell Archbishop Orombi and Akinola (throw in Venables too)!

Cany said...

Well, poor Cromwell and Matthew Hopkins. Really they missed the delights in life, didn't they?

When I think of Cromwell, I think of a cookie made of flour with no sweet. Poor guy. Would have had a hell of a time trying to market that in today's economy. Just an uptight sort of self-serving corporate type that today would sell church property to buy an RV and marry the daughter of Mobil just to pay the gas.

Just not my type, really. Plus, he had very poor political instincts.

As for Matthew Hopkins, well this guy really was special.

His appreciation for canines and felines was well known, but not in a good way. Likewise, he had an appreciation of skin-perfect women. Of course, having the mark of the devil, I would have been bumping along in one of those nifty carts along dirt paths and cobblestone streets with other animals lovers, but probably chained. I think he was into S and M which, oddly, are my initials.

Given his corporate paycheck, interest in torture, bugger-off attitude about who he was, who employed him, and his ability to slither through the weeds with a quiet nod of consent, I am convinced that he is Dick Cheney, reincarnate.

Ah, these makers of Anglican history!

Fred Schwartz said...

I was so much older then I'm younger than that now.