Few things push the bossa-nova button on my organ as satisfyingly as a parish picnic, and this Sunday afternoon St. Onuphrius’ will be holding our annual St. Francis’ Day dynamite fishing party. Originally scheduled last weekend, the merry festivities were postponed due to a combination of inclement weather and someone tipping off wildlife conservation officers, but having contacted the relevant authorities and reminded them I still have pictures of their last visit to our Pole-dancer’s Fellowship things can now be guaranteed to proceed smoothly.
Indeed, as true Christian Sportsmen everywhere know, there are few ways of spending an afternoon more pleasant than meditating upon Our Lord’s love for all creation as His little fishy friends float stunned to the surface; their newly glazed eyes reflecting the shock of suddenly finding themselves in His presence. Perhaps it just my Franciscan love of nature, but I simply can’t wait.
Until then, and as we’re speaking of dynamite, it would be remiss to not mention the Nobel Committee’s decision to award President Obama the 2009 Peace Prize. I’m aware that my fellow Conservative bloggers have - as a Dearly Beloved Sinner has already noted - been slow to comment on this award, but that’s obviously because my weaker brethren are clearly unaware of the history behind the Nobel prize.
You see, having developed the greatest gift to angling since S.U.V. bumper stickers saying “I Fish & I Vote” Alfred Nobel wasn’t content to take things easy, to maybe just hang with his buddies and occasionally blow up an old car, or a big pile of tires down the bottom of the yard, while faithfully attending a Bible-believing Anglican Church and giving his fortune to the Rector to fritter away on legal bills and attending seminars. Instead he sadly went on to found a prize which specifically fails to reward those whose expertise is in Orthodox Bible Study. He left nothing for Spurious Church Growth, or Inciting Schism, or wearing funny hats and complaining about educated Americans. No, the only fields honored are the useless secular areas of chemistry, medicine, physics, physiology, literature, or peace – none of which help anyone achieve something really worthwhile in life – like becoming an ACNA ‘bishop’. All this prize shows is that people who don’t respect vapid self-interest recognize Obama as intelligent, insightful, and sincerely dedicated to making the world a better place. And how’s any of that going to help Bobby Duncan's sect pay their legal bills?
Besides, if the award was really for peace it would have already been given to George W. Bush Jnr. What could possibly be more peaceful that a couple of dead Iraqis laying on a pile of rubble? Or 19yr old kid from Kansas whose gamble on dodging an IED in return for a college education didn’t quite pay off?
I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.