My apologies for the past few days’ silence, Dearly Beloved Sinners, but I’ve been away on a crucial diplomatic mission to the peaceful and prosperous nation of Uganda. Mind you, however, it’s not half the place it was when I last visited as a guest of dear old President Amin, but I suppose that’s to be expected, since he did have the other half executed.
Indeed, you’ve probably all read about how I persuaded the Ugandan government to to abandon the just principle of sentencing a tenth of their population to death, and I’ve no doubt you’ve been wondering why a Doctrinal Warrior of my standing has been seeking to subvert such a fine initiative, especially since there’s no denying that if ever a country hasn’t enjoyed its fair share of mindless bloodshed it’s Uganda. So I’ll let you all into a secret which explains why I was compelled to become involved: the proposed legislation was actually a liberal conspiracy!!!!
Now I’ve got to admit that I was also initially skeptical when Brother Richthofen and his friends from seminary told me this, but upon objective Biblically-guided reflection it became clear that they were right. So right, in fact, that I had to heed the call of my young Ministry Team member and his friends to prevent this apostate Trojan-horse from being enshrined in Ugandan jurisprudence.
As they explained, this law would have given legitimate grounds under international law for any Ugandan man with refined taste in cologne and the ability to dance, or any Ugandan woman with sensible shoes, a Subaru and dogs, to obtain refugee status in the western nation of their choice. Whereupon, as everyone knows, the very next thing they would do is head straight to the local Anglican/Episcopalian church and become valued members of the congregation. Thereby further reducing the voting power of congregants prepared to discriminate against potential Bishops and Parish Appointments purely on the grounds of the candidate’s God-given sexuality.
Can you see the implications of this, my Dearly Beloved Sinners? As Bishop Quinine pointed out, a massive influx of handsome Ugandans into our churches would naturally attract newcomers, particularly those seeking something just a little more funky than his own pasty visage. Liberal Western churches would flourish at the expense of Ugandan congregations perishing for want of musicians, choristers, and people capable of arranging the flowers in such a manner as to not invoke unpleasant memories of your great-aunt’s curtains.
No, Brother Richthofen and his friends were right: it was a conspiracy too evil for me to ignore. Not that achieving the eventual outcome was easy: a people raised in the Christian tradition of wanting to exterminate anyone not of their own ethic group aren’t easily shifted when it comes to persuading them to pass up an opportunity to whack someone so clearly different to themselves. And after all, who could be more different to a fundamentalist than someone who just wants to live and love as the person God made them to be?
I'm Father Christian and I teach the Bible.