There’s no secret about the fact that I’ve never liked golf. Certainly those spiky shoes with the strangely arousing tassels are very nice, and I won’t deny I happen to have quite a collection which I very much enjoy wearing (particularly when visiting people with shag-pile carpets), but the game’s fundamental premise of publically placing things in little holes while in the company of Rotarians has always struck me as vaguely immoral.
Certainly 2 Samuel 23:21 makes it quite clear that the Lord intended clubs to be used for the purpose of striking Egyptians, not small white balls (although Jeremiah 51:19-21 does seem to suggest it’s acceptable to use them on other types of foreigners, as well as upon any drivers and their vehicles whom one should happen to find irritating - see verse 21). Consequently Bible-believing Christians should hardly be surprised to learn of all the trouble that Tiger Woods has found himself in: if someone’s going to disregard Scripture and misuse clubs made by firms with names like Titleist for purposes that God never intended clubs to be used they’ve only got themselves to blame when things turn nasty. After all, if people were meant to play golf God would have created Adam and tee, not Adam and Eve.
Of course what is most appalling about this whole sordid business is that since when have professional golfers had any right to impinge upon a territory once exclusively that of Conservative Clergyman and politicians? Their god-given vocation is to fly around the world winning tournaments and making squillions of dollars, and ours is to become embroiled in sex scandals. Their field produces famous sportsman like Jack Nicklaus, Paul Runyan and Arnold Palmer, while we have Jimmy Swaggart, Mark Sanford and Ken Calvert. They get holes in one, and we get one in holes – it’s the natural order of things. When did anyone give Mr. Woods the right to change it all? At this rate it's only a matter of time before he's imagining he's a Calvinist and blogging at Viagraville.
And now you’ll have to excuse me, My Dearly Beloved Sinners, because through my office window I can see someone parking in MY SPACE, and the Spirit’s calling me to find my five iron in a hurry…
I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.