Thursday, December 3, 2009

Tiger Woods: The Bible could have told him there'd be trouble

There’s no secret about the fact that I’ve never liked golf. Certainly those spiky shoes with the strangely arousing tassels are very nice, and I won’t deny I happen to have quite a collection which I very much enjoy wearing (particularly when visiting people with shag-pile carpets), but the game’s fundamental premise of publically placing things in little holes while in the company of Rotarians has always struck me as vaguely immoral.

Certainly 2 Samuel 23:21 makes it quite clear that the Lord intended clubs to be used for the purpose of striking Egyptians, not small white balls (although Jeremiah 51:19-21 does seem to suggest it’s acceptable to use them on other types of foreigners, as well as upon any drivers and their vehicles whom one should happen to find irritating - see verse 21). Consequently Bible-believing Christians should hardly be surprised to learn of all the trouble that Tiger Woods has found himself in: if someone’s going to disregard Scripture and misuse clubs made by firms with names like Titleist for purposes that God never intended clubs to be used they’ve only got themselves to blame when things turn nasty. After all, if people were meant to play golf God would have created Adam and tee, not Adam and Eve.

Of course what is most appalling about this whole sordid business is that since when have professional golfers had any right to impinge upon a territory once exclusively that of Conservative Clergyman and politicians? Their god-given vocation is to fly around the world winning tournaments and making squillions of dollars, and ours is to become embroiled in sex scandals. Their field produces famous sportsman like Jack Nicklaus, Paul Runyan and Arnold Palmer, while we have Jimmy Swaggart, Mark Sanford and Ken Calvert. They get holes in one, and we get one in holes – it’s the natural order of things. When did anyone give Mr. Woods the right to change it all? At this rate it's only a matter of time before he's imagining he's a Calvinist and blogging at Viagraville.

And now you’ll have to excuse me, My Dearly Beloved Sinners, because through my office window I can see someone parking in MY SPACE, and the Spirit’s calling me to find my five iron in a hurry…

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

7 comments :

Revd Ivan Ackeroff said...

For Mr Woods to get THREE holes in one is reminiscent of the unbiblical Doctrine of the Trinity. I have often thought of knocking some balls in holes myself. In Binghampton, I notice I am spoilt for choice in the number of golf courses where I can knock my balls. I was wondering if, after a round of golf, there was a Church I could attend which bans promiscuous, homosexualist golfers, preferably run by an African-American like Mr Tiger Woods.
http://www.worldgolf.com/courses/usa/newyork/binghamton/

Anonymous said...

Brilliant as usual!

Fred Schwartz said...

Dr. Christian,

You have, in an unlikely twist of events, missed the obviuos. Mr. Woods had his automobile accident ONLY because his usual driver was working for Tiger's wife.

Lapinbizarre said...

You know people with shag carpet? Oh dear!

Leonardo Ricardo said...

Oh for heaven sake, ¨shag carpets¨ (especially area ones) are chic! I would prefer them in high shades or neons (not like we had them in the not-so-off-white 60´s)...my those carpets took a lot of wear and tear and flair...who do I imagine Reverend Troll running through the shags with nothing but his shoes and puttzer?

Leonardo Ricardo said...

why not who...what a stud, you made me nervous...afterall, I am a sexual divot.

Anonymous said...

Did the swing surgeon teacher Tiger's wife how to use the golf club too? He claims it's a God given swing.