Friday, May 21, 2010

Ready, Aim, FIRE! - Canon History.

Since there wasn’t much demand for chimney sweeps on the Serengeti wilderness where my parents served as gun runners missionaries, and as responsible Christians they understood the importance of teaching their young son the value of hard work, I was instead at the age of three apprenticed to a local circus, where I quickly became famous as the world’s youngest human cannonball. It was a marvellous introduction to life’s ups and downs, and one I can heartily recommend to any mother or father eager to give their offspring a solid grounding in Conservative Biblical ethics: any collateral forebrain damage which may occur to your little one is more than offset by the subsequent inability to comprehend reality in anything other than a purely binary capacity.

What’s more I have as a result been left with an abiding interest in cannons, and consequently when the more lucid members of the St. Onuphrius’ Ministry Team urged me to share this article on the history of our New Testament canon with My Beloved Sinners I could hardly refuse. Naturally I haven’t read it myself, since I’ve been far too busy finding out who I need to bribe/blackmail with regard to obtaining little Bishop Wright’s position, but those of you not blessed by God with lives as important as mine are sure to benefit from taking a few minutes to study this essay - my apologies to those of you who are evangelicals or who were home-schooled, but there’s no pictures.

As a leading Conservative, of course, my own knowledge of history is exemplary, and I’m committed to ensuring more Sinners learn of St. James’ (brother of Our Lord, who was martyred in Acts 12:2 and later became king of England) inspiring work translating the Bible back into the original English. Indeed, the journey through which the original canon - given to God’s people by St. Paul in a process which two fascinating young visitors on bicycles recently explained to me involved an angel, gold tablets, and a pair of peep stones – passed down through the centuries unchanged is positively thrilling. Despite efforts of Romans like St. Jerome who sought to obscure God’s perspicuous word by rendering it into a Latin edition called the ‘Vulgate’ (with a name like that any real Christian should immediately sense something immoral), St. James ensured Christian booksellers would never be deprived of their most stable item.

Indeed, by entering the field of publishing St. James also inspired Martin Luther, who despite being foreign was so excited he nailed 95 copies of James’ own epistle to the Wittenberg church door, which in turn so upset the Pope that he left England in act of schism. As a result Henry VIII’s marriage failed on account of him getting divorced and chopping his ex-wives heads off (some fellows will do anything to avoid paying alimony), and the Communion we know, love, and are constantly threatening to leave, was born. But I’m too busy to tell you any more: read the story for yourself...

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

13 comments :

Ms Dea Vine said...

Did Roy W Hoover teach this guy about Canon History at Whitman College?

The Rev. Dr. Christian Troll said...

From his vestments I'd say he was a colleague of Royal U. Grote, but the fact that he's wearing his underpants on the outside makes he think he might instead have been a fellow student of a certain curate in Ware who appears to have proved so irritating that his proud Rector has resigned to get away from him.

Fr Hugh Jass said...

With respect, Father, I hardly think it necessary to read a boring article about a Canon who was supposed to have compiled God's Word. I suspect the un-named Canon works for the Episcopal Church and is determined to undermine our faith in God's Book by spreading heresy.
(I would remind you that God said that "pride" is a sin. For a minister to be proud to leave a parish is shocking! Pity the poor parishioners. They will now be subjected to long sermons on the biblical significance of prostate tickling by a former gay who is obsessed with men's bottoms).

Anonymous said...

Does this canon business have anything to do with The Reverend Canon Doctor Mister Reverend Doctor Doctor Canon Mister Canon Reverend Doctor Chris Sudsoap?

The Rev. Dr. Christian Troll said...

Despite his claims to the contrary, I don't believe he's really a cannon at all, but just a popgun.

Leonardo Ricardo said...

Pop goes the weasel...

Ít´s true, no matter how hard it tries to cross it legs!

Animal, veggie or mineral?

Anonymous said...

Binary thought, like
"Either 1+1=2 or it doesn't"?
How about "Why are you wasting your lives with an imaginary being? Do you know that doctors treat people who are over 10 for having imaginary friends? Seriously.
And atheists are the ones with a warped sense of reality?

The Rev. Dr. Christian Troll said...

Little Brad is currently working incognito on account of him not wanting another another spanking from Matron, but we all know who Anon 3:36 is, don't we my Beloved Sinners?

And doesn't he serve here as a marvelous example of what I said about a little fore-brain damage assisting one's ability to think in purely binary terms? Although he still hasn't been able to grasp that in Base 2 1+1=10 .

Anonymous said...

Another interesting article on the violation of human rights by the Australian government. All this is a John Howard legacy. He got into bed with George Bush and Australia stopped thinking about the long term consequences of reactionary politics. It's of particular interest here as one of the leading activists is a Sydney Anglican Priest priest.

I noticed that Antony Loewenstein has written a book about bloggers blogging under repressive regimes. Perhaps GAFCON got mention?

Doorman-Priest said...

Your grasp of history is, indeed, awesome.

Anonymous said...

Church is so boring.
You can be as "progressive" as you want, but if your church in Canada is any indication, you're on your way out.
About as much relevance as Kiwanis.

The Rev. Dr. Christian Troll said...

Boring!!!!!

My son, how can you think of saying such a thing when if it wasn't for the Church you wouldn't have your fascinating hobby of trawling the internet in search of religious blogs on which to leave idiotic comments?

Anonymous said...

And where would he find photos of the gorgeous vestments that so fascinate him?