Eat Da Email (Martin Ssempa & me)

From the the moment I first heard the delightful little Martin Ssempa demonstrating the peaceful and rational expository for which Ugandan Biblical Conservatives are now famous I knew we needed to invite him to head the lineup at this years St. Onuphrius’ Conference. Indeed, when I suggested Ssempa’s name to my Ministry Team, Bishop Quinine became positively incontinent with excitement, begging me to do everything within my power to get the man now known around the world as “Mr. Eat Da Poo Poo” to appear as our star speaker. Or to at least send his famous audio-visual presentation for closer study.

After emailing an invitation to ssempam@gmail.com I was disappointed to hear nothing for several weeks, and sent the following courteous reminder:

Dear Pastor Ssempa

It has been over a week since I contacted you, and still we have not as yet received any response. Should you be for whatever reason unable to accept our offer it would be appreciated if you or one of your staff could at least have the courtesy to let us know.

Yours in Christ,
Father Christian

Another week passed, and then this arrived - reproduced here verbatim:

Dear Father Christian,

Salutations to all those at Ichabod springs who are thirsty for a word from Pr. Ssempa.

We note your invitation which came with promises of money and much publicity. This is exactly how the devil tempted Jesus with offers of money and much publicity in Matt 4.9 .It is self evident there is a lot of carnality in your way of thinking.

We ask that you ask you parishioners to read 1 Samuel 1-3. Please Father Christian order all the your parishioners to go into a time of prayer and fasting (see book of Ester) for 40 days then please write back to us. Also read Rev 2 and 3 for a message on your condition.

Repent and be saved.

Pr. Dr. Martin Ssempa

Now mingling in the upper-echelons of Christian Conservativism has given me vast experience in dealing with the jumpy and paranoid, but even so I am at a complete loss to explain how he arrived at Matthew 4:9 in response to my original assurance that St. Onuphrius’ would pay for his flight. After all, it’s not as if we offered to fly him in Akinola-class, nor to foot the bill for a cute young luggage-lifter to join him.

My initial reaction was to respond with a gentle caution that the foolish little copraphage should start taking Leviticus 19:32 as literally as he takes other parts of Scripture lest he discover there are worse leaders to annoy than Rick Warren, but Consuella persuaded me to put my machete away and calm down. “After all”, she said, “perhaps there’s just a little cultural misunderstanding going on here.”

So heeding her advice, I wrote another polite letter reassuring Twitchy Martin that we had absolutely no intention of offering all the riches in the world in return for him bowing down before us in worship (an image which, I’m sorry to say, my Curate obviously found arousing). Indeed, I was so courteous that I didn’t even mention that in leaving the “h” out of Esther he had clearly omitted something from the text of Scripture, and as such Revelation 22:19 makes it quite clear he has been dammed in perpetuity. No, I was gracious and friendly – something his response several days later shows he most certainly didn’t deserve:

Dear Mr. Troll and the Ichabodites

I regret to inform you again that your invitation has been rejected with the scorn it truly deserves. I ask that you dont write to me again as it will constitute an unwanted harrassment.

Yours Sincerely,

Martin Ssempa PhD

What could I say?

Layman Ssempa

The St. Onuphrius' Ministry Team, Wardens, and Congregation, are bewildered by your rudeness. Have you recently eaten something unpleasant?

Fr. Rev. Dr. Christian Troll PhD

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.