My Baby Wrote Me a Letter.

As regular readers like Dobby Ould and little Matt Kennedy will testify, if I can’t say something nice about someone I don’t say anything at all. That, combined with the fact that there’s no way I’m going to risk offending the man with the funniest eyebrows in the Church of England until I know for certain that he’s signed off on my appointment as Bishop of Durham, means until now I’ve refrained from commenting upon his recent epistle to the Anglican Communion.

Still, My Beloved Sinners, you must never think that I’m deaf to your desperate pleas for enlightenment. Consequently it is with a heart for ministry ahead of a head for occupational advancement that I find myself called to comment – and let me tell you, as the World’s Most Conservative Christian I cannot in any way support to Archbishop Rowan’s sanctions against those provinces so apostate they’re prepared to appoint as Bishops men and women who refuse to lie about their sexuality, or to marry couples called by God to live as one. That’s because the core of his response to those Churches holding the outrageous notion that God doesn’t want us to hate and persecute those people seeking to live faithfully as they were created is to change their status to that of consultant.

Now as anyone who’s ever been involved in business or politics knows, it’s the consultants who make the real money. Look at all the great moments in history: when the White Star Line built a ship capable of sailing full steam ahead through an ice field, when the space shuttle engineers decided cheap seals would be good enough, or when President Bush invaded Iraq – in every case you can guarantee consultants were paid top dollar for their advice. Then later, when things didn’t turn out quite as expected – say for example with Senator McCain’s brilliant choice of running mate - who was it who made a fortune sorting out the mess afterwards? That’s right – consultants again!

So why on earth the Archbishop of Canterbury wants to reward TEC by appointing them as consultants completely escapes me. I thought the idea was to punish them, not reward them. This way when things don’t work out so well (and let’s face it, not even ++Rowan honestly believes his ecumenical councils are going to convince Benny Ratzfinger to start incorporating the XXXIX Articles into his weekly Vatican homily) the Epsicopal representatives will be able to say in all honesty that the failure had nothing to do with them. Before then, like all good consultants, submitting another hefty invoice for burying the failed plan and talking up a new one. It's almost enough to make this Doctrinal Warrior start pretending to be a liberal in order to score a cushy appointment getting thrown off the Standing Commission on Unity, Faith and Order.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.