We weren’t going to celebrate Thanksgiving this year: for some time now I’ve been growing increasingly concerned at the appropriateness of participating in something so fundamentally unchristian . After, the Puritans didn’t have so much as one iota of respect for Pectoral Crosses, and I very much doubt if any of them ever swung a thurifer like they’re meant to be swung. Nor do I recall any of them staying at a five-star hotel while attending an important conference.
Besides, I’ve always felt there’s something intrinsically contradictory about the notion of a Puritan celebration: it’s sort of like a Baptist dance party, or a Walsingham Bible study (“This month we’ll be conducting an in-depth exploration of the references to Our Lady in St. Paul’s Epistle to the Galatians…”).
What’s more, as a Successful Conservative Biblical Christian I believe trivialities like family, friends, health and home should be seen as entitlements, not blessings. If God had wanted us to go around feeling pathetically grateful for things that don’t really matter He wouldn’t have placed deep within every person’s heart a righteous yearning for real treasure, like a house with a swimming pool, an enormous SUV, and clothes, hair and make-up as expensive as Sarah Palin’s.
Not, I must add, that Consuella approved of my decision to cancel Thanksgiving. Lately I’ve been trying to get her to share my interest in Complementarian Theology, and while initially quite supportive on account of her feeling I never say anything nice to anyone, she actually became quite critical when she realized that those wild and crazy guys at The Council on Biblical Manhood and Womanhood spell the word with an “e”, not an “i”, and all look like last time they cheerfully gave a compliment was when an admirer in the Department of Correctional Services slipped them tickets to witness an execution. In fact she was so dismissive of my clearly Scriptural boycott that she refused to listen to a word I said, and even ignored the fascinating message I tried sharing with her while I peeled potatoes and shelled peas.
Which was a pity, since it came from a young man who calls himself “The Blogging Parson” (despite not serving as a Parson at all, but rather in a choice position obviously obtained with absolutely no nepotistic assistance whatsoever), and I’m sure Consuella would agree with him if she could only bring herself to stop thinking like someone inspired by the Risen Christ. Although I must admit that his division of Complementarianism into two categories, “thick” and “thin”, is dreadfully simplistic: without even trying I can from the top of my head come up with at least three more: “misogynist”, “stupid”, and “phallically-challenged”.
In fact I was so inspired by his example that I was about to put my foot down and call an immediate halt to all the pagan preparations, when suddenly a strange voice appeared dues ex machina and ordered me to shut up and give thanks for all the wonderful things in my life – much as is about to happen now…
… and so as the mysterious voice behind the dreadful Reverend Troll I’m going to take this opportunity to say thank-you: for everyone who’s been angered by something they saw here I give thanks that one day the God of Love and Justice will release you from your prison of pomposity, fear, bigotry and hatred; and for everyone else whom has ever felt this blog bringing a smile to their face, I give thanks for your laughter and hope, for your strength and your survival.
I’m Father Christian, and God Bless you all!