Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Christian Government

As anyone who’s ever studied the Bible as thoroughly as I have will know, Democracy is the only form of government approved by Jesus. Although it mustn’t be overlooked that the Bible also shows that a society dominated by anarchic warlords offers certain unique opportunities for anyone who happens to be a psychopathic misogynist easily upset by people who don’t listen (Judges 19:25-29); and you’ve only got to look at look at the fun King Herod had at his birthday party (Mark 6:21-28) to see how much fun a monarchy can be. And please don’t anybody mention King Solomon lest Consuella grows suspicious about my forthcoming “Campaign to Restore Biblical Marriage”.

So with the Bible presenting these powerful arguments for alternatives to the only Christian system of government, sinners such as yourselves could almost be forgiven (please note I said almost - don’t start getting any ideas now) for wondering how it is that scholars such as myself can be so certain of Jesus’ support for the sacred democratic principal of rule by elected Republicans committed to ensuring unwanted pregnancies run full term and grow up into men and women who die young through the blessings of accessible prisons and unaffordable health care. The answer is clear if one takes the time to study the Scriptures:
  • Jesus is never once recorded as voting. Proof he obviously lived in a western democracy.

  • Jesus never encouraged those around him to get out and vote. He knew that power belongs to rich white men and whiney women with big hair.

  • Jesus never advocated Congress be controlled by anyone other than the Republicans.

  • Jesus acknowledged there’d always be poor people (Matthew 26:11), which shows he recognized the people who got the world into this current mess will back in charge asap.

  • Jesus not only loved children, but He was also such a strong supporter of the death penalty that He experienced it Himself. So naturally He only advocates pro-life candidates who are firmly pro-death – a combination particularly prevalent in Christian democracies.

  • Jesus never once said that the right of the big end of town to make as much money as possible is not more important than the right for little ones and their parents to medical care not based on blood-letting, cobwebs, and an occasional aspirin.
… and now you’ll have to excuse me. I’ve heard shares in health insurance providers and arms manufacturers are about to skyrocket, and must call my broker to get in before it’s too late. After all: what would Jesus do?

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.


Anonymous said...

Perhaps I may ask, Father, how you interpret the story of Abraham and Sarai (later Sarah) in Genesis Chapters 15-21. Is Abraham's spouse a prediction of the Presidency of Sarah Palin? She died at the age of 127, which indicates Mrs Palin could be in the White House for some time. The world needs a strong woman who will execute people and moose. Or perhaps Genesis refers to mad Viagran, Sarai Hey who advocates back-street abortionists, while poor people die from lack of health care. I think we should be told.

Jim said...

I love your investment advice!


Anonymous said...

We all know that Jesus is a corporate lawyer who works on a commission of 10%. His aim is to keep a few, filthy rich and idolised. With some work on personal presentation and adherence to a dress code,the profit margin could really and escalate.

Doorman-Priest said...

And I thought I understood politics.

Fred Schwartz said...

I know, as the wizen scholar that you are you already know this but in about 1900 the then Pope declared democracy to be a heresy.

And my magic word is dopa as in ropa dopa or just plain dopa?

Anonymous said...

After reading your earlier blog on the Jensens, I asked an Anglican woman (who I know and respect) if she was ashamed to call herself a Sydney Anglican? Her response was that she IS an ANGLICAN who just happens to LIVE in SYDNEY and does not have any affiliation with psuedo Baptist evangelicals like Don Carson nor does she subscribe to the music distributed by Don Carson and Phillip Jensen.
The conversation got even more POWERFUL, when she explained that someone had lodged a motion of no confidence in Archbishop Jensen at the 2009 synod, for financial incompetence. The Jensen allies howled down the speaker in a threatening manner. She concluded the conversation with...
People have been jailed for less and this man could not cope with a law degree. He should have known better. All he is, is a Theologian.

(And a bad one at that!)

Anonymous said...

Father Troll, I can't wait to hear this one!
10:30am Morning Church
It's Not About the Money (Philippians 4:9-23)
Speaker: Phillip Jensen, Dean of Sydney

I'm up for a laugh so I might mosey along.

Anonymous said...

The support surrounding the legislation of GLBT equal rights seem to be rocking the foundations of governments, which view themselves as based upon Christian principles. Sure is an interesting time in history. John Howard wrote a book called 'Lazarus Rising' and it looks like another Lazarus has arisen.
Can't find anything about Beyond Egypt but did find something on beyond gay.

Anonymous said...

Fr. Troll,
Wherefore art thou? Have missed your pithy observations these past weeks.
Fr. Maxwell Smart +