Wednesday, October 13, 2010

The Lord giveth... and Lord Jensen loseth.

Beloved Sinners everywhere have undoubtedly been wondering when my new curate is finally due to arrive. The truth is that his Lord and Master, Archbishop Volder-Jensen, has needed the foolish boy’s services for longer than anticipated. First Dobby was needed to serve as spinmeister for his country’s national synod - a challenging role given that most other attendees wisely decided that attempting dialogue with the Jensenites is as productive as attempting to discuss the mathematics of unified field theory with the crazy panhandler down on the corner near the drugstore.

In addition to telling lies about his cult’s popularity with Australian Anglicans not terrified of girl/homo cooties, Dobby - whom has now been a Deacon for almost three years’ and consequently knows everything about ministry, theology, and Anglicanism - also had the important task of teaching Clergy with more than tenfold his experience about their ignorance and failure to grasp the essence of Anglicanism. Which, of course, involves lay presidency and believing everything a member of the Jensen family says.

This completed just one final task remains before my Dobby is bound for Ichabod Springs, but I fear it’s one of positively Herculean proportions: with Mordor now enjoying its own diocesan synod the truth-challenged lad has to convince the rest of the world that his master’s master-plan is succeeding.

At the time of my writing this he’s managed to get a whole three people to comment on his strategically edited version of the GAFCON faux-primate’s address - one of whom is himself – so he hasn't yet quite managed to convince the world that the future of Anglicanism involves men with dubious investment skills in polyester business suits showing power-point presentations explaining why the Trinity is proof women must be seen and not heard. Still, give Dobby time: people laughed when they first heard that Kim Jong-il is the best golfer in the world...

Sure wicked Australian journalists are publishing articles in which little Pete admits things are in an even bigger mess than we'd already suspected, but thankfully those of us in the rest of world who have the honor of being told we’re “sub-christian” by the Jensenistas can keep hearing how wonderfully the Family at the heart of the Global Schism’s Reformed Puritan Division are managing their own affairs. Although given the Achbishop of Mordor’s economic restraints readers will have supply their own Kool-Aid.

For me, I’ve been particularly inspired by Archbishop Jensen’s vision to re-energize “lazy and unproductive assets” (those of you with insomnia can listen to his talk here). Has the history of English literature ever witnessed a more musical way of describing the act of taking whatever you can grab to a pawn-broker and then sticking the lot on legs-eleven at the nearest roulette wheel? Pure poetry.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

38 comments :

Andrew said...

Is Jesus be honored by your blog post? It is witty and funny but does it think of others more highly than yourself? Love your enemy and pray for them. this is challenge to me also. Do I love those who hate me? Would i be happy presenting what I have written to our Lord himself?

Father Andy

Tobias Stanislas Haller said...

I am sure that the Family rejoices in the knowledge that Calvin felt the old rules on usury were to be held in abeyance.

Dobby Ould said...

Dear Rev Troll
My apologies for my late arrival as new Word Minister at Ichabod Springs. Sadly, my deacon's stpiend hasn't arrived because Pete has lost all the Church's money. Could you send me my fare and a few sandwiches for the journey? I was wondering if you would like two curates for the price of one. I have a delighful twin brother who was ordained a "minister" in the Church of England. I hope you have no objections to post-heterosexualists, since my twin has fully recovered from his horrible affliction. He promises not to touch your prostate.

The Rev. Dr. Christian Troll said...

Father Andy: If my writing really is "witty and funny" then yes, I've no problems presenting this to the One who called the pharisees "sons of vipers" and "white-washed tombs".

The Jensen family and their sycophants aren't just a group of bumbling puritans on the other side of the world: they have actively encouraged terrible divisions and pain in the Body of Christ throughout the Anglican Communion. They have done this with lies, half-truths, and tremendous amounts of money. By the Grace of God the last (and most powerful) weapon in their arsenal has been taken from them - but not before they have caused untold suffering - and yes, even death - to those whom they would deny God's love.

Does loving those who hate you involve remaining silent while they wreak evil upon the defenseless? Is it more important to honor those who persecute than it is to fight for those whom they discard and trample underfoot? I'd like to think you know the answer to that question, Fr. Andrew - but if you don't I recommend you read Bonhoeffer.

Anonymous said...

Brilliant Fr Troll! I have never witnessed a group who lack so much credibility as the Sydney Diocese's senior clergy... and they are employed to deliver God's word! They are shameless! Phillip Jensen once wrote an article called Shamelessness. He was criticising homosexuals (Gene Robinson). I think the Jensens are the most shameless group that I have seen because they live in a developed society and directly contribute to the evils of persecution of GLBT people in third world countries with their out of touch insular approach to Christianity. When all goes wrong they are conspicuous with their silence.

Leonardo Ricardo said...

He promises not to touch your prostate.¨ Dirtyminded Dimster

Dear DD,

That is a relief...perhaps you could convince the rest of your shabby little tribe to keep the f*** away from our spiritual life...all that you and the goofy lookalike do is profoundly harms others...you have blood on your giddyzealot hands.

Anonymous said...

An interesting piece on Peter Jensen's Presidential address.

Anonymous said...

Fr Troll
I finally watched Peter Jensen's Synod speech. Are Sydney Anglicans so gullible as to swallow this stuff? I suppose when Synod is as choreographed and as rehearsed as the Sydney Synod,then a man can stand up there and behave like a TV presenter, painting a biased picture and never being challenged.
This was the most important act of Peter Jensen's life and it showed!How hard did he try? There was nothing comfortable about his manner and nothing Godly about his address to the Synod. Sydney Anglicans are being short changed spiritually, as well as economically. The aim of the speech was to talk his way out of a big hole, and the appointment of the next archbishop to an unlimited timeframe is to hide the mess that exists and prevent answers being demanded,should new broom sweep clean. The spin doctors spent a lot of time on this speech. They are terrified. The attack on the city of Sydney was an affront to Christianity, implying that the general population only care about wealth, position, celebrity status and pleasure. That's the pot calling the kettle black! And then he introduced the bit about Sydney Anglicans loving strangers. These people are scared of strangers! The bottom line is the diocese is in a real mess financially and that's why they want to sell bishop's court. They don't want anyone who is not in the loop, coming in to check out the mess when Peter Jensen goes. These people who have hijacked the church are lobbying for a permanent archbishop of their choice. All this would have been planned well and truly before synod. The 5% growth in chuch numbers was purely a guesstimate. The lines "Sin has become virtuous .Evil is applauded" was directed at the homosexuality issue.It should have been a self reflective quote considering the far reaching damage done by this group.
All Sydney Anglicans can't be bad but they are too trusting.
They just don't realise that you can't believe this man. He once told someone who was interested in attending church that you didn't need to attend church to be a Christian.(I think that was his way of saying you are not suitable to be a Christian because you don't fit my mindset)and now the spin is for Churches to look outward and Connect with your parishes! Is that because they don't have the funds to meddle overseas?
Is the whole lay deacon stuff to keep the numbers rolling through Moore College? Who publishes the textbooks... Matthias Media and the Goodbook Co?
These people are contributing to the rise in atheists.

Anonymous said...

Sorry father, I thought I'd lost what I wrote. In my attempt to salvage it, I have published it twice. Can you remove one please

The Rev. Dr. Christian Troll said...

Edited as per your request - but in my opinion what you say is so worth hearing that I'd be quite happy to see it said twice here ;-)

It truly is a spectacularly dishonest address (the text is here) - even by GAFCON standards. My favorite part is the way he can speak about the importance of justice and that "the danger is that if you repair hastily
without analysing the problems, you will expose your structures to further damage in years to come
" and then a few paragraphs later protect those responsible for the incompetence and corruption by dismissing the need for accountability as a "game".

...and this is the man who claims to be a role model for Anglicans everywhere else in the world...

Anonymous said...

"DISCUSS unified field theory with the panhandler on the corner"? I LEARNED most of what I know from the panhandler down the corner.
It's no stupider than reading a 2,300-1800 year old book and hoping it has something relevant to say.

Anonymous said...

Don't you have an Inquisition to burn people like this?
Seriously, these people are way past their sell-by dates, even by atheist standards.

The Rev. Dr. Christian Troll said...

"I LEARNED most of what I know from the panhandler down the corner."

Nobody here ever doubted for a moment doubted that's where you received your education little Brad. And might I say it helps explain a great deal about you...

Anonymous said...

Seeing that the Sydney Diocese is strapped for cash and the majority don't want to sell the diocese's assets to gamble on the stock market, then why doesn't it just use the profits from Matthias Media to help it keep afloat? Matthias Media is listed as a ministry partner on the Sydney Anglican Network Portal. It's a non profit organisation owned by the Jensens and they work for the Sydney Anglican Church and the church provides most of MM's profit through direct purchases and MM's link to the Anglican Church. Other options could be for MM to borrow a large sum of money and play the stock market and all profits could go to the Sydney Diocese or sell MM to (the Baptists or the Africans)and the profit gained could prop up the endowment fund. Of course they'd need better financial advisors than the ones they used before. And then there is always the Good Book Co as well!

Anonymous said...

Is there such a thing as intellectual property rights and a conflict of interest? If authors employed by an organisation used that organisation's time and resources (eg computers and software etc) to produce a saleable item for another company,then who actually owns the intellectual property rights?

The Rev. Dr. Christian Troll said...

I believe that in Mordor the Jensens own everything. No matter what - or whom - as far as they're concerned it's theirs.

smithj1 said...

Isn't it interesting (and so revealing!) how the Jensens of this world seem obsessed with what women and, of late, gays should and shouldn't do?!

Why wasn't this man stopped? He's a member of a hierarchy, after all.

I actually don't understand how and why he was allowed to wreck such havoc!

Jane

Anonymous said...

Fr Troll
Can you point me to the part in the bible that says gambling (for power) is Godly. I have a racehorse and I want to name him. He needs all the help he can get. At present I'm limited to the name Jay Cee but if you can clarify, then I can name him either Jean Calvin or Jesus Christ.

Anonymous said...

Jane, the Jensen administration is/was the church equivalent to the Bush administration. The only thing they know is win at all costs. They have no morality. Money enabled them to weild power and hang out with financial powerbrokers. They were listed at one stage as one of the world's leading investors. For the life of me I have no idea how they have been allowed to form a company (Matthias Media) which began as Matthias Press, which evolved out of a church newspaper. This company's success was dependent upon the direction that the Sydney Diocese took ie extreme evangelical conservatism. Anyway with diocese's money came power and prestige and the buying off of some African clergy. Africa is where the market is for sales of evangelical resources because the greatest growth is in Africa. Sept 11 saw a growth in conservative evangelicals and the Australian Prime Minister at the time was one with George Bush in ideology, so pro Christian anti muslim sentiment grew and profits were to be made.
Then have unlimited funds to train evangelical apprentices in ministry to gain might in numbers within the Diocese and the wider Australian church enables the vision to take control. Rationalise your stance as an evangelical and not an anglican enables bonding with extreme right wing evangelists and justifies disobeying and publicly ridiculing the Archbishop of Canterbury (who at the time thought Iraq was a bad idea). This enables destabilisation and destablisation leads to mutiny which is what we all have witnessed when conservatives broke away and sued for church property.
It was a Sydney vision to create a new right wing anglican church.One that would be able to purge itself of all liberal thinking. That's why they borrowed so much to gamble. They needed a lot of money because the worldwide vision was to take control of the anglican church by putting in structures through powerful and prestigious alligences, whereby the moderates would follow suit. An imperialistic approach. They invested huge sums of money in enticing journalists, radio personalities and businessmen to join up with their vision. This gave them greater access to infiltrating the wider community and gaining political clout. They even had a church at a banking institution. They employed a man who was on a salary of 1.2 million a year with St George to come and work for them. It was indeed a vision that Adolf Hitler would have been proud of and because the Archbishop is wheeled out on special occasions and presents as a passive (although passive aggressive) individual parishoners in general never saw what was really behind that cheshire cat grin. He was/is like George Bush... a face for more ruthless individuals like Dick Cheney. Cheney had a company which sort to benefit from the Iraq invasion...
and get in the road of the Sydney mission and you became dispensible or at least your character did.
Nearly everyone played ball except Jesus!

Anonymous said...

Sorry father I have sinned again. Can you delete the extra copies. I'll have to get someone to look at my computer.

The Rev. Dr. Christian Troll said...

No problem, and there's nothing wrong with your computer at all, My Child. Like the rest of us, it just wants to hear the truth proclaimed as often as possible ;-)

smithj1 said...

Dear Anonymous

Thank you for going to so much trouble to explain all this to me; I live in South Africa, so your comments about African Christianity are particularly interesting.

I am appalled by what you tell me/us regarding the Jensen administration: the Borgia papacy is alive and well, it would seem, and living in the Anglican Church!

But there is a funny side to all this: it was, ostensibly, the stockmarket of all things that put an end to their shenanigans!

I knew Jesus wasn't a socialist and now, it appears, He's even got into your computer :)

Jane

Anonymous said...

What is Sydney coming to... not only do they want to sell the Archbishop's house but also the grave site of one of Australia's explorers. They'll sell their grandmothers next! http://www.smh.com.au/nsw/historic-church-fight-heads-for-court-20101021-16w50.html

Brian said...

This is all very interesting, Anonymous - and plausible. Thanks for elaborating. If Matthias Media is making a bomb in Africa can it be seen where that money is being used? Is there obvious money sloshing around that can't've come from other legit sources. I guess MM's books aren't available for inspection.

Anonymous said...

This link gives an update on the debate regarding the sale of bishopscourt...a resolution to sell that failed: http://www.sydneyanglicans.net/news/stories/bishopscourt
The discussion was clearly not pleasant and not without recriminations. For example, this statement quoted in the article above: "Bishop Robert Forsyth moved the motion proposing the sale of the 150-year-old neo-gothic property on behalf of Standing Committee.

He argued that it costs 'us about $1 million in forgone cash per year to keep housing our Archbishop' in Bishopscourt and that 'despite the many good features of the residence, in our present and future circumstances, this price is unjustified and unjustifiable. There are more important calls on our resources'”.

The bottom line of the discussion seems to be a real lack of trust exhibited in the Sydney's financial advisers and structures. Althoguh the use of bishopscourt as an "inn" for important notables who visit and who simply would not refuse an invitation to this opulent residence, its use and cost of its use for this purpose simply seems to have been questioned. ParisPike

Anonymous said...

So Matthias Media doesn't sell in the UK?
Could that be left to The Good Book Co?
The Good Book Co now has a new Australian site.
I wonder if this is a non profit organisation too?

Anonymous said...

It seems much of the literature published by Matthias Media directly relates to Phillip Jensen's writings on the Two Ways to Live. This has also driven the direction of the theological stance at Moore College and the diocese itself. Now that the diocese is at war with Parents for Ethics who want an alternative for their children, when they elect to abstain from scripture classes, is their now a need for a new publication called The Two Ways to Live...Ethically or Non ethically?

Anonymous said...

As a follow-up... +Jensen has noted the "wisdom" of synod in rejecting the resolution to sell bishopscourt. http://www.sydneyanglicans.net/images/uploads/Synod_Address_Oct_19.pdf. So my lord Jensen shall be able to continue entertaining in the manner in which he has become accustomed, or at least his residence shall still be available.

Anonymous said...

Since the major proponent of the plan to sell Bishopscourt has been +Forsyth - who was the most senior clergy member of the the board responsible for the idiotic and irresponsible "strategy" which lost most of the diocese's assets, and whose "management" of his own parish's finances during the 90's brought St. Barnabas Broadway to the brink of insolvency - perhaps Dobby's rector (sorry - "senior minister") isn't so wide of the mark in strongly opposing the plan to sell.

It doesn't take much cynicism to wonder if +Forsyth's enthusiasm for the sale arose after sharing an expensive port with a few real estate agent/property developer mates.

Anonymous said...

It is my personal opinion that the Jensens were just as much in agreement about the sale of Bishopscourt as Robert Forsyth. They are an instrumental part of the Standing Committe (if not the Standing Committee itself).
The GAFCON decision was a Jensen decision which was rubber stamped by the committee. It appears that all decisions are made well and truly before they are presented to the Standing Committee. When you are employed by a group like this who does not appreciate debate then your job is of the utmost importance. It seems that Robert Forsyth gets trundled out everytime there is any negative press. Jensens know that mud can stick.

Anonymous said...

Oh Father Troll, I have found a sermon that would do you proud! It's entitled Returning to Vomit.
It has all the spittle, hell, fire and brimstone that is required to scare the living daylights out of a Liberal Anglican. Yes Phillip Jensen claims that the greatest threat to Christianity is false teaching within Christianity. He states that in 1970 there was an attack on Christianity by leading churchman ie Bishop John Robinson and Professor John Hick, and clergy who have been trained by these men are bringing about the demise of Christianity in Britan, as they launch from one heresy, corruption and decadence to another.
He claims that we need to know the character of false teachers and recognise and safeguard against them. These false teachers destroy, and preach blasphemy and falsehoods that divide. He goes on to say these false teachers use their sensuality, embrace immorality and that their immorality is shameless. He claims that there has been a correlation study between heretics and sinfulness and that heretics feast with the Christians and try to entice others away from the truth. He explains to his congregation that the world wide Anglican communion is now full of these people who advocate all manner of sensual sinfullness. He explains that the church has accepted adulterous bishops and consecrated 2 bishops who are active homosexuals. One a man and one a woman (obviously can't say lesbian!). He explains that those who oppose these immoral sensual practices have been kicked out of the church! He states that "the right, the faithful, the honest orthodox Christians believers have been kicked out of the church and those who are immoral and heretics have taken the keys of the properties away from the believers." He outlines a moral campaign to remove all who will not share in the wickedness. He aligns the wicked sensuality with greed.
He speaks of clergy who exploit the congregation for money by promising wealth from God. After the big downer on exploitive clergy he then asks for more money for the cathedral!He qualifies his request by saying God is generous and likens giving more money as growing in God's grace, but he'd rather the cathedral close down than have people not give graciously!
He then rounds up the sermon by saying these liberal Anglican heretics are bold, willful and despise authority, and have loud boasts of folly. They reject the great truths and teachings of previous years, and when the Bible is quoted to them they laugh at us and call us narrow minded!
But Fr Troll...there is an upside because Phillip states that false teachers will be destroyed for their sensual greed and despising authority, and God knows how to punish and uses Noah's story as an example. He then pushes childrens' books about Noah and explains that they can be bought in the St Andrew's bookshop for Christmas! (How many bookshops do these guys own?)

The Rev. Dr. Christian Troll said...

Sounds like little Pete's little brother is even crazier than I'd thought - and that life for those of you held captive in Mordor is even worse than we'd imagined.

The link to that sermon isn't working - please can you post it again or contact me at revchristiantroll@gmail.com - this sounds worthy of more of my attention - much more (bwhaaaahhaaa).......

Anonymous said...

Father the sermon.

Fr Hugh Jass said...

I tried to listen to Mr Jensen's Sermon but after two minutes I vomited.

Anonymous said...

Fr Jazz, I think you are supposed to vomit. Phillip is exorcising all the demons within you, through sick to the stomach preaching! If that doesn't work then he'll control them by giving you Post Traumatic Stress Disorder so you are free from your own sinful desires of the flesh and you no longer buck authority (his authority)!

Anonymous said...

Fr Jazz, if you vomited green bile then your demons were released but if it was plain ordinary vomit then it was an appropriate reaction to a sick sermon!
Actually my head spun around as I heaved and now I suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, so I am no longer a wilful sinful sensual human being but an obedient sexually repressed Calvinist, who fornicates on command. Humour and laughter...what's that?

Anonymous said...

Things have got to be rally bad in Sydney! Is there something these Anglican Church League Calvinists are not telling the rest of us? But I do agree with Mark about one thing... nothing has dislodged Jesus from the throne. He just left the St Andrew's House building in disgust!

Fred Schwartz said...

Where have you been? Don't make me come down there and find you!