Due to all the important work I’ve been doing in the course of minding everyone else’s business things here at St. Onuphrius’ have been a little neglected as of late, and so it’s taken a little longer than I’d anticipated to choose Evangelical Eric ‘s successor.
Needless to say competition for the position was fierce, although nowhere nearly as fierce as the most promising applicants. Indeed, my initial choice was the gentleman at left, whom by his appearance I naturally took to be a Nigerian Archdeacon. Unfortunately subsequent research revealed he's actually only a lifer in Illinois looking for penpals – unlike Conservative Clergy, whose ignorant bigotries are responsible for the deaths of thousands (if not millions), this elegantly coiffured gentleman has only killed one person, rendering him entirely unsuited for GAFCON ministry.
Consequently I’m delighted to announce little Peter Jensen has accepted my generous offer of shares in Enron and Lehman Brothers in return for his house-elf Deacon Dobby Ould (c’mon – it’s not the worst investment Archbishop Jensen has made during his tenure).
Pictured at right, Dobby has a documented history of lying about his fellow Christians (I’ve been sent hard-copy proof David, so don’t bother with any threats about contacting your attorney), as well as of pretending to be someone of a different theological persuasion and gender in order to make his ridiculous comments appear more credible (ditto, my boy) – in short the cheeky little house-elf has exactly the skills a Conservative parish needs.
I am expecting Dobby to arrive by post (the only mode of travel the Diocese of Sydney can now afford for anyone whose last name isn’t “Jensen”) any day now. In the meantime I’m now accepting offerings towards Evangelical Eric’s Going-Away Fund, the proceeds of which will be used to buy me a lovely new SUV in which I shall generously arrange to have my departing Curate’s pitiful sack of belongings conveyed to the airport.
I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.